


Destiny

by StormyBear30



Series: The Destiny Series [1]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF, Kris Allen (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-05
Updated: 2011-08-10
Packaged: 2017-10-20 03:50:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 63
Words: 137,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/208444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s all about their destiny</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It wasn’t love the first time I laid eyes on Adam Lambert, if fact at the beginning it was anything but as I stood in the doorway of my new home, my new roommate going over a list a mile long of things he felt I needed to know. I actually wondered if I had made the wrong choice in my search of a new life in California, but thought better of it, my heart breaking as to the real reason I was there. I didn’t hear half of what he said as I made my way inside, took one look around the small apartment that was the beginning of my new life and proceeded to break down into tears. He didn’t seem to know what to do and I couldn’t stop myself as we stood across the room from each other. “I’m sorry” I blubbered, wiping at my wet cheeks, but before I could say another word I found myself wrapped within his arms as he held me close and despite the fact that I didn’t really know him, I held on for dear life. Once I had been able to get myself under control he led me to my bedroom, giving me a quick nod before leaving me alone with my thoughts, my memories and my pain.

The room was small and practically empty, aside from a dingy looking mattress on the floor and an even smaller closet with only two hangers hanging inside. I didn’t care though because I didn’t have much in terms of possessions as I placed my most important one on the floor next to the bed before unpacking the small backpack containing everything I owned. I was unpacked in a matter of five minutes as I sat down on the ratty looking mattress, running my hand along the beat up guitar case the contained my most precious belonging as tears graced my eyes yet again. I wondered once again for a moment if I had made the right decision, but as I recalled what I had waiting for me back home, I knew that I couldn’t ever go back and not only was it the right choice but the only one. .

I grew up in a small town in Arkansas. I loved growing up in Conway because it was small and wholesome and everybody knew your name. I had a normal childhood growing up, surrounded by love and supported by my parents and my brother Daniel who meant the world to me. We were a close knit family, who went to church on Sundays, were there for each other without fail and didn’t hesitate to help those who were less fortunate then ourselves. I loved my family very much and couldn’t have been prouder of them when one summer at the beginning of my high school career they decided that as a family we should do missionary work with our church. I was excited beyond belief to get the opportunity to help other people in a foreign country, but the idea of traveling and exploring another country was even more exciting for me. That excitement quickly turned to dread and depression as not four weeks after we began our missionary work, my parents and my brother were dead and I was hanging on by a mere thread. We had contracted typhoid and even though we had been vaccinated for just about every disease known to man before we arrived at our camp, this strain was unstoppable and deadly. It wasn’t until after my recovery that I learned that my entire family was gone, the missionary people sending me back to Arkansas and a Uncle and Aunt that made it quit known that I wasn’t wanted in any way, shape or form.

After that my life became nothing but a nightmare. I was treated more as a hired hand then as a family member and forced to do whatever it was that they told me to do. I was miserable and lonely and often wished that I had died right along with my family, but I knew that god must have had a reason for my survival, but at the time I didn’t have any clue as to what that might be. I was forced to live in a city where no one knew me, or cared to get to know me because I was the extra burden of their neighbor and friends and for the two years that I lived there that was all I ever was. I had pretty much accepted the fact that my life was never going to be the same again, but as I neared my eighteenth birthday I was determined to do something about it changing it for the better. After my parents died I learned that they had set up a small trust fund for my brother and me and since his passing his was to come to me as well. I didn’t know how much was there and I didn’t care because all that mattered was that it was hopefully enough to get me out of that small town and away from the family that I had learned to hate with a passion. My Aunt and Uncle spoke of this trust often, telling me time and time again that no matter what happened that money was going to them because it was owed to them for being such a burden, but I was determined they weren’t going to see a cent.

Several weeks before my birthday I started checking into plane tickets, bus tickets, anything that would get me as far away from them as possible. I really didn’t have any set plan, nor did I know where I wanted to go as I searched for information about several different cities in several different states. I knew I wanted to play music and had narrowed my search down to New York or California rather quickly. I knew it was going to be hard in either place, but I convinced myself that nothing could be as hard as living in a city where everyone hated me and with a family that looked at me as nothing but a burden. In the long run I ended up choosing California and it turned out to be the best decision and the worst decision of my lifetime. Using the computers at the library, I scoured the papers trying to find a job and an apartment that I felt I could afford. I couldn’t believe how much even the smallest shit holes cost and yet it didn’t matter because I was determined to take control of my life and make something of myself. I happened on Adam’s ad by mistake and without even knowing what I was getting myself into I replied to the email address and give him some information about myself and why I wanted to live in his apartment with him. He responded right away and that began my interaction with Adam Lambert.

The day of my eighteenth birthday I raced from the house bright and early, waiting in front of the lawyer’s office with a spring in my step because it was the beginning of my new life of freedom. He seemed a bit shocked to see me there so early, but said nothing as he led me into his office and asked me to sit in a chair in front of his desk. I watched as he left the room for a moment, hoping and praying that he hadn’t gone and called my family, relieved beyond belief when he returned a few moments later with a guitar case in one hand and an envelope in his other. It turned out that my father had left me an extremely rare vintage guitar that the lawyer assured was worth a lot of money. I didn’t care about that though because it was beautiful and the only real thing I had left of the father that meant everything to me and made me into the person I had become. I remembered my father playing it from time to time, but my brother and I were never allowed to touch it. I hadn’t even realized he had put an envelope in front of me as I stroked the beautiful instrument, tears glistening in my eyes at how happy I was to inherit it. Clearing his throat he drew my attention from the guitar, sliding the envelope even closer to me. My breath caught in my throat as I took the envelope, opening it slowly as I hoped and prayed that there was at least enough money in it to get me to California and enough left to pay Adam the first months rent I had promised him. It wasn’t a whole lot, just a couple of thousand dollars, but to me it was a king’s ransom because it was my ticket out of the hell I had been living in. I thanked the lawyer for his help, shaking his hand repeatedly before I ran for the bus station. Three hours later I had boarded the bus and was well on my way towards California and my new life.


	2. Chapter 2

That first week there I pretty much did nothing but sleep. I was mentally and physically exhausted and I just couldn’t seem to sleep enough to catch up. I would see Adam occasionally on my bathroom breaks and trips to the kitchen, but no words were ever exchanged as I stumbled my way back to bed. I probably would have pretty much done the same thing the second week, but Adam had other ideas as I stumbled back from the bathroom we shared late one evening “Are you ever going to stop sleeping and get a fucking job?” He asked arms across his chest as he leaned against the wall of our tiny kitchen. I couldn’t speak at first because no one, not even my horrible Aunt and Uncle had ever spoken to me like that. They treated me like shit, mentally abused me in making me think that I was not worth loving, but they always did it with an edge of kindness to their voice that made it seem like they cared. Adam was just angry, you could read the frustration on his face and he didn’t even think about holding back any of that anger towards his new roommate. “You’ve been here for a week and you’ve done nothing but sleep, eat and shit. If you think for one moment that you’re going to be freeloading off of me then you better think again asshole”

“Jesus Christ Adam, calm down” I heard a voice cry out from the living area, a beautiful looking man walking into the hallway where I stood. He was tall, with dark features and he seemed to have a glow about him that I felt drawn to immediately. “Hey…I’m Cassidy, but all my friends just call me Cass” He held out his hand to me, a real smile on his face that caused me to smile for the first time since entering California.

“Kris…” I replied, shaking his hand quickly because I felt dowdy and ugly compared to the fashionable dressed beauty.

“And I’m Adam, now can we finish our conversation” Adam mocked, causing the two of us to look up at him as he continued to lean against the wall.

“You’ll have to excuse Adam” Cassidy said with a wink, ignoring Adam as he took my hand and led me into the sparsely decorated living room. “He and the new boyfriend had another falling out and he’s a bit testy. I was expecting this night to be nothing but Adam bitching and moaning about Brad and his evil ways, but you were unexpected and I’m actually glad that I came now” His words made me blush as he sat down on the couch, tugging the hand he still held until I sat down beside him. “You didn’t tell me your new roommate was so cute” He glanced over at Adam before turning his smiling face back to me. “Are all the gay boys this cute in Arkansas?”

“I don’t know. I never knew any gay boys in Arkansas” I replied truthfully, not understanding the look that both he and Adam shot me before bursting into laughter. I hadn’t ever told anyone back home that I was gay, unsure of how they would react. Truth be told I had hardly admitted it to myself after being taught that homosexuality was wrong and that I would burn in hell if I was gay. Deep within my heart though I knew that I was and had made a vow to myself that once I got settled into my new life that I was going to explore that side of myself as well. I longed to find love and happiness and hoped and prayed that somewhere in my new journey that it would come along and I would find a man to love and accept me just for being me.

“Oh my god you are too precious” Cassidy laughed even louder before leaning over and hugging me quickly. I didn’t know what they found so funny, so I just laughed along with them at least glad that Adam seemed to not want to ream me a new one any longer. “He’s really cute. Can we keep him?” He asked Adam, winking at me with a smile.

“Not unless he gets a job” Adam returned, but there was still laughter in his voice.

“I’ll look for a job tomorrow” I promised and I meant it because I really liked Cassidy and found myself wanting to get to know him better.

It turned out that finding a job was harder then I expected it to be. The truth was that I didn’t have any experience for most of the jobs out there, and for the ones that required almost no experience there were dozens of other trying to find work as well. I searched every day for weeks with no luck and with each day that passed, Adam grew nastier until we were hardly talking to each other again and when we did it wasn’t pretty. What was left of my money was dwindling down and my nerves were shot. I had no idea how I was going to come up with the money that was needed for the rent or what I was going to do if Adam kept good on his threats and kicked my ass out on the curb. My only highlight was Cassidy who would stop by and see Adam a couple of times a week. He always put a smile on my face and made me forget about my troubles while he was there, but the moment he left I found myself falling back into what could only be called a depression.

Another week passed and I had twenty dollars left from my inheritance. I had pretty much accepted the fact that I was about to be homeless since rent was due in two more weeks and I still hadn’t found a job. I was lying on the couch feeling sorry for myself as I tried to figure out what I had done to make god hate me so much, when Cassidy rushed into the apartment screaming my name. “Kris…where the fuck are you?” He screamed louder when he didn’t find me in my room or the kitchen.

“Right behind you” I said from my place on the couch, having to giggle a bit at the overdramatic scream I heard coming from him when he turned around and found me there.

“Jesus…are you trying to give me a heart attack?” He cried out, not giving me a chance to reply as he rushed over towards me, jerking me off of the couch and shoving me towards my bedroom. “Get dressed” He ordered, pushing me into the small room, grabbing onto me when he pushed too hard and I almost tripped over the mattress on the floor. “Come on get dressed” He yelled, waving his hands in the air as I continued to stand in front of him, unmoving, unspeaking because I had no idea what I was getting dressed for. “I found you a job” His voice grew louder as he reached forward and plucked my threadbare t-shirt from my body.

“Wait….what?” I finally spoke, pushing his hands away when he started working on my pajama bottoms. “You found me a job? Where?” I really didn’t care where it was as I ran to my closet and pulled out the only good pair of pants that I had. “Um…privacy” I blushed when he continued to stand off to the side of the room, looking me up and down.

“I found you a job, the least you can do is let me have a little show” He winked at me and I couldn’t tell if he was serious or not and quickly found that I didn’t care as I stepped out of my bottoms and pulled on the other pair of pants. “Jesus…if I knew you had a body like that I would have made sure that it was something that didn’t require clothing” Again I couldn’t tell if he was kidding or not as I pulled a white button up shirt from off of another hanger and put it on.

“Will this work?” I asked, holding my arms out so he could take a good look at me. “It’s actually all I have” I blushed hating that I was so poor that I couldn’t even afford any really nice clothing to wear.

“It’s perfect” He replied with a smile, but I knew he was lying. “Come on, Jack’s waiting for us” Grabbing my hand he literally jerked me ten blocks until we were standing in front of a shabby looking building. “It’s not the best job in the world, but the pay is pretty good and Jack is really desperate” He explained to me as he continued to hold my hand as we walked into the building. “Jack” He cried out as I eyed what appeared to be a bar, or club or maybe both. I had never been in either so I wasn’t sure. “Hey…” He cried out as a balding man in what appeared to be a leisure suit stepped out from behind the bar. “Kris Allen…Jack Hanson” He introduced us, finally letting go of my hand so I could reach out and shake the other mans hand.

“Nice to meet you” I smiled at him, looking at Cassidy when all I got in reply was a lustful leer as he looked me up and down.

“It’s ok” Cassidy mouthed with a smile, one that I was sure was supposed to set me at ease, but really didn’t as I looked back at Jack and found him still ogling me. I had no idea what Jack had in mind for me in terms of a job, but at the way he was looking at me I was pretty sure that I wasn’t going to like it.

I was just about to leave when he snapped out of his staring at me, finally looking me in the eyes. “What a shame. You sure he doesn’t want to dance?” He asked Cassidy, ignoring me as if I didn’t have the function to speak, and the truth was he wouldn’t have been far off from the truth.

“I already told you no” Cassidy glared at him, placing his arm around my shoulder before pulling me closer into the side of his body. “You said you needed a handyman and part time waiter and that is what he is here for”

“But he can make double the money if he dances” Jack spoke up, eying me up and down once again in a way that made me want to vomit.

“I said NO” Cassidy growled, his body tense as he shoved me back some as if trying to protect me. I knew he was only looking out for me and yet for some reason it totally pissed me off.

“Why don’t you look in my eyes and talk to me” I snapped in front of Jack’s face, not caring in the least if I got the job as I stepped away from Cassidy, crossing my arms over my chest. “You have a job for a handy man or waiter…fine because I can do both” I continued to speak loudly, shooting Cassidy a look that dared him to speak a word. “I’m a hard worker and I’m never late. I have good work ethic, but don’t think for a second that I’m going to let anyone walk all over me and as for dancing, if that is what you dragged me down here for then you wasted everyone’s time” They both just stared at me for several moments before he told me I was hired and would start tomorrow before dismissing me with a wave of his hand. I was so stunned that I finally had a job that I hadn’t even noticed Cassidy had dragged me out into the warm sunlight once again. “I have a job” I said slowly as it started to sink in. “I have a job” I said a bit louder, jumping up and down in excitement.

“You have a job baby” Cassidy starting jumping up and down with me, grinning like a fool until we were both too winded to do so anymore.

“I don’t have any idea how I can repay you” I rushed out, leaning against the side of the building for support.

“Well I could go for another strip show once we get back to your place” He said with a playful smile, but I could see that he actually meant those words as he placed his hands flat against the wall, over my shoulders as he stared down at me. “Or maybe just a little kiss” He smiled again, mischief in his eyes as he leaned forward and brushed his lips against mine before I had a chance to speak. “Oh shit…you’ve never kissed a man before” He spoke softly as I looked up at him with eyes that felt as huge as saucers.

“I’ve never kissed anyone before” I found myself saying before I could stop myself and yet I knew that Cassidy wouldn’t judge me.

“You really are too precious” He smiled at me before cupping the side of my face with his hand and kissing me once again. It didn’t last long, but it was enough to make me feel loopy and unbalanced as he once again took my hand and dragged me back to my apartment. I still don’t know how it happened, but before I knew what was going on, I found myself sprawled out under him on my bed, getting kissed in a way that I had only dreamed about. Cassidy was an amazing kisser and quickly helped me get over my shyness as I learned how to be an amazing kisser too. We were too wrapped up in our lesson to hear my bedroom door open, but the gasp of shock echoed loudly around the tiny room as we both pulled back enough to look over and find Adam standing there.

“He found a job, he starts tomorrow and now we get to keep him” Cassidy winked at Adam before pushing me back under him when I tried to get up, kissing me wild and dirtily without consideration that Adam was still in the room. I tried to push him away, but I couldn’t help but fall back into the scent and taste of Cassidy that surrounded me. I found myself starting to fall for him right then, images of romance and love clouding my kiss induced brain. Cassidy quickly popped those bubbles much later when he prepared to leave, straightening out his ragged and wrinkled clothes. “Look Kris…tonight was fun and I’m happy you got the job, but were just friends ok. I can’t be anything more” I nodded yes quickly, hoping and praying that he couldn’t see the hurt that was invading my heart as he headed towards the door. “Fuck…you’re a good kisser though” He beamed at me, coming back over towards the bed before leaning down to kiss me once again. “Good luck tomorrow” He winked at me before exiting the room and leaving me alone to try and figure out what the hell had just happened.

“He doesn’t do boyfriends you know” I heard Adam say an hour later as I left my room and went in search for something to eat.

“I know” I replied, trying to hide the hurt still worming a hole in my heart.

“Well don’t come crying to me when your little heart gets broken” His words were snooty and cold and only served to piss me off in a way that I hadn’t ever felt before. I didn’t know what it was about me that only seemed to piss and rile him up and at that time I didn’t care as I turned to face him.

“I wouldn’t come to you if my entire body was on fire and you were the only one holding a fire extinguisher” I yelled at him, forgetting all about my hunger as I stormed back into my room, slamming the door loudly behind me.


	3. Chapter 3

Working at the club was long and tiring work, but it was work and the pay was ok so I didn’t complain much. There was always something to fix or clean and by the time I got home I was too exhausted to care about anything but my bed and sleep. Adam still wasn’t really speaking to me and on a daily basis I questioned myself as to why I was still living there. Cassidy stopped by every now and again acting as if everything was great between us. I’d speak to him from time to time, but stopped going out of my way to spend time with him because my feelings were still hurt and I was too fucking exhausted to care most times. I could see by the look on his face that he could tell I was kind of avoiding him, but he never said a word and continued to pretend that all was right with the world. Several weeks after I began working at the club, he, Adam and their friends started hanging out there. I didn’t know why because honestly it was a pretty skanky joint, but it paid that bills and that was all that mattered. Thankfully, I didn’t have time to hang out or talk to them as I rushed about doing the long list of duties that Jack had for me each time I worked and yet I always felt as if Cassidy was watching me. However, I didn’t harp on it because he had hurt my feelings once and I was not going to give him the chance to do it again.

 

I started making friends with some of the other staff members, in particular an extremely good looking guy named Corey who made it very clear that he was interested in me. We hung out every now and then, but I always kept his advances at bay. I wasn’t sure why because honestly he was pretty hot, but I kept telling myself I wasn’t ready for anything more at that time, although I know within my heart it was because I was still caught up on Cassidy. Adam and Cassidy hated him from the first time they met him, letting me know in no uncertain terms that he was bad for me, that he was going to hurt me and it only served to piss me off because what the hell did they care. It confused me beyond belief because Cassidy had made it clear that he wanted nothing more then friendship and Adam for some strange reason just plain fucking hated me. I ignored their advice, more out of spite then anything and allowed Corey to take me out one night. We went to dinner, watched a really horrible movie and somehow ended back at the club we worked at. We started drinking and before I knew it I was completely trashed and bumping and grinding all over him on the dance floor. I was drunk and I was horny and I didn’t care what my reasons for holding him back before had been because I was ready to get laid, and as far as I was concerned nothing was getting in my way of that.

 

Adam and his friends were there and once again I could literally feel Cassidy’s eyes on me as I continued to hump Corey on the dance floor. His hands were everywhere, but mine weren’t idle either as I touched him wherever I could as we continued to dance. “I want to fuck you” I heard him growl loudly against my ear as one of his hands cupped my ragingly hard cock through my jeans. I’d never had sex before, but I was more then ready to lose my virginity even if it was with someone that I truly didn’t have any feelings for. I was drunk and my inhibitions were non existent as I gave him a playful smile before leaning up to kiss him. That kiss never came as I felt a rush of air surround me, my feet moving so quickly without my consent that I found myself almost hitting the floor before being jerked up and dragged onward. I had no idea what was going on until I found myself outside in the cooling night air, my back pushed up against the brick wall and a fuming Cassidy standing before me.

 

“What the hell are you doing?” He yelled at me, his face red and eyes huge as he continued to tower over me. I felt ashamed for a moment, but then my own anger kicked in as I pushed him away and attempted to go back into the club, shocked that Corey hadn’t come out after me. “I don’t think so” He snided as he once again grabbed me and pushed me against the wall. I tried to push him away once again, but I didn’t try very hard when I felt his lips on mine and his tongue shoved roughly into my mouth. I gave into the kiss fully, enjoying the way that he seemed to be dominating me. “Fuck…you’re such a good kisser” He moaned against my lips after we were forced to pull away in order to breath. I wanted to return the compliment, but at that very moment my stomach decided to speak for me as I leaned off to the side and proceeded to vomit all over the side of the wall. I was horrified beyond belief, but too shaky and ill feeling to care as I wrapped my arms around my stomach and just looked up at him with sad eyes. “You really are too precious” He smiled down at me, kissing my forehead before taking my hand and leading me away from the club and the mess I had made.

 

I puked two more times on the way to his apartment, ready to cry at just how stupid I felt and knowing that Cassidy was only taking care of me out of pity. No words were spoken as he led me into his place, walking me straight into the bathroom where he quickly removed my clothes, helping me into the shower. I wanted to curl into a ball and die as he washed me quickly from outside the stall, before assisting me out and wrapping me in a towel. “I’m sorry” I murmured, not caring that I was a naked and wet mess as I stumbled forward into his arms, closing my eyes as they wrapped tightly around me.

 

“I’ve seen worse. You forget that I’m friends with Adam” He chuckled against my wet hair, kissing the side of my head as he maneuvered us towards the sink. “Lets get those teeth brushed and then get some water in you and then you can sleep it off” I tried to fight him, but the words wouldn’t come as I took the toothbrush he handed me, brushing my teeth with as much energy as I could. “Come on baby” I heard him say as I rinsed my mouth, following him into his bedroom when he took my hand. “Put these on” He held out a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt towards me as I did what he said, not caring that he was watching me the entire time. “Lie down and sleep. We can talk when you wake up” He went on once I as dressed. I wanted to argue and beg him to lie down with me, but again the words wouldn’t come as I fumbled my way under the covers, closing my eyes and shutting out the world and the stupidity that had ended up being my night. I didn’t know how long I was out, but when I woke up I had the headache from hell as I found Cassidy sitting at the edge of the bed just looking at me. “You really are lost aren’t you?” He asked and as much as I wanted to agree whole heartedly, I found myself unnerved and upset at the words.

 

“I’m not lost” I croaked, closing my eyes and wishing that someone would stop the hundred pound bowling ball from rolling back and forth in my head.

 

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of” He said, still sitting there watching me. “I guess that were all lost in a way” I didn’t know what he meant and I didn’t care as I rolled over, closed my eyes and fell back to sleep. When I woke up I found him sitting in the same position, just staring at me with a look on his face that I couldn’t quite make out. I was starting to get very uncomfortable at the way he continued to gaze at me as I sat up and began to look around the room.

 

“You live in a loft?” I asked, knowing it was a stupid question, but trying to get him to do anything but sit there and stare at me.

 

“I know you’re feeling lost Kris and…” He started up again his eyes boring into my own.

 

“I’m not fucking lost” I cried out, closing my eyes for a moment and willing away the monster headache still pounding within my brain. “I’m not lost” I repeated a bit softer, pulling my knees up until I was sitting Indian style. “I have a plan, a path” I began to explain, my breath hitching a bit as the image of my lost family wafted across my mind. “I came to California to pursue something that at one time used to mean everything to me. I lost it for a while and I know that it won’t be easy, but I know that one day I will make it in the music industry and I will do whatever it takes to make that happen”

 

“That’s the dream for all of us” Cassidy sighed still watching me closely. “We all want the fame and the glory”

 

“I don’t want fame and glory. I only want to make enough money to live my life and to be able to play for anyone that is willing to listen to me” I replied, staring back at him as if to prove my words true because I could tell that he didn’t believe me.

 

“Wanting fame and glory isn’t a bad thing Kris” He said, breaking eyes contact with me for a moment as he got on his knees and crawled over towards me. I didn’t say anything when he laid down on his side next to me, tugging me backwards until I was facing him, lying on my side as well.

 

“I know” I smiled softly at him, curling my hands under my chin as we just looked at each other. “But I’m a realist and I’ll take what I can get. I just want to play my music, find someone to share my life with and just be happy”

 

“I don’t do boyfriends” He said next, his brown eyes locked on mine once again.

 

“I know” I replied, recalling Adam’s words after that first night Cassidy and I had made out in my room.

 

“I don’t do boyfriends” He repeated, something that looked like fear flashing across his face as he said it. “But then you came along and fucked everything up” I didn’t know how to respond to that and so I said nothing and waited to see if he was going to speak again. “I kept telling myself that I just wanted to be your friend, but then I kissed you that night against that wall and then in your room and then shit…everything that I ever held close to me in terms of love and dating flew out the window. I didn’t want to leave you that night. You have no idea how much I wanted to stay there with you on that mattress kissing you, making love to you”

 

“Then why didn’t you because you had to know I wanted that too” I asked, wondering what or who it was that had hurt Cassidy so badly that he didn’t want to pursue love when it was something that I hoped and prayed for daily.

 

“You’re young and naive and so fucking cute” He smiled reaching out and tracing my lips with the tip of his finger “I wanted you from the moment I saw you that night with Adam. I’ve never been drawn to anyone like this before and it scared me and as much as I wanted to push you away, I found that I would do just about anything to keep you close, yet far enough that I wouldn’t fall for you and get hurt in the process. It didn’t work though” He shrugged with a fearfully sad smile on his handsome face.

 

“Cassidy…I like you and I know that I’m naïve when it comes to being with a man or even a relationship for that matter, but I’m not afraid” I assured, wrapping my hand gently around his wrist as I kissed his fingertips. “It’s something that I’ve wanted since as long as I can remember”

 

“I’m petrified” He rushed out, pulling his hand away before rolling onto his back and staring at the ceiling. “You fucking terrify me Kris” And I could hear the terror in his voice but I didn’t say anything as I laid on my back as well, staring up at the ceiling just waiting for him to tell me why. “I’ve only ever been in love once and he hurt me so fucking bad that I didn’t think I would ever recover from it. Adam was the one that was there for me and forced me to pull myself back together when I had finally hit rock bottom” I found it hard to believe that asshole Adam was that giving and understanding, but I didn’t voice my opinion and just continued to listen. “Adam really is a great guy” He said as if reading my thoughts as he looked over at me briefly before turning his attention back towards the ceiling. “There’s just something about you Kris that sucks me in and makes me want to take a chance again and then…” He didn’t finish, a few tears sliding backwards down his cheek. “I just can’t get hurt like that again. I don’t think that I would recover another time”

 

“I can’t guarantee that I won’t ever hurt you Cassidy, but you can best bet that I will do everything in my power to try not to. I’m human. I make mistakes and trust me when I tell you that I know what it’s like to be devastated by the loss of love and the betrayal of people who are supposed to love and care for you” I knew he had no idea what I was talking about but I was beyond talking at the lump in my throat.

 

“Who hurt you baby?” He asked, the concern in his watery eyes causing me to tear up on my own as he forgot about his own heartbreak and focused on mine instead.

 

“I can’t talk about it…not now” I sobbed, reaching out and locking my arms around his neck because I just needed to feel him close to me. We just held each other for the longest time, the silence somewhat uncomfortable, but not enough that either of us wanted to let go.

 

“Just don’t hurt me Kris” I heard him whisper against my ear sometime later as he pulled back to look into my eyes. “Just promise me that you will do everything in your power not to hurt me and I promise to do that same to you”

 

“You have my promise” I whispered back, leaning forward and covering his lips with my own. He was hesitant at first, but within a few moments he returned the kiss with a little more passion. We shared kisses most of the morning, breaking apart several hours later to eat something before rushing back to his bedroom for more making out. I lost my virginity to Cassidy later that night, clinging to him afterwards as if my life depended on it when the emotions of the night got to be too much for me to handle. He didn’t say anything, just held me tight until I fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning he was talking on the phone with someone, but I didn’t pay much attention as I got up and headed towards the bathroom.

 

“How are you feeling?” He asked with a chuckled as I came back into the room, wincing slightly as I sat on the bed.

 

“Well let’s just say that as much as I enjoyed last night. I don’t think that my ass could handle having your dick in it today” I smiled back, not liking the gleam I saw in his eyes as he pounced on top of me. “No…no…seriously I won’t be sitting for days” I cried out overdramatically, not meaning a word of it because the truth was that there was nothing more that I wanted then to have Cassidy make love to me again.

 

“I’ll make you feel real good precious” He growled playfully against my ear and all my defenses, real or not fell at the wayside as I spread my legs open wide and willed him to do anything he wanted to do to me.

 

“How is it that you met Adam?” I asked several hours later, lying on my stomach on the bed because my rear end was just too painful to lie or sit on.

 

“We met at a club” He replied, lying in front of me across the bed. “He was drunk and slammed into me on the dance floor. The guy I was dancing with was ready to beat his ass, but as I looked at him I could tell by his eyes that there was a reason he was so drunk. I left the guy on the dance floor, taking Adam outside for some fresh air and a chance to talk if he wanted that. Turns out he had just come out to his family and friends and although some of them accepted his lifestyle, some of them didn’t and it hurt him deeply. You should have seen him then” He chuckled, deep in thought as he continued with his story. “He had red hair, freckles and was a bit on the heavy side. I knew that we were going to be great friends that first night and I was right. Jesus, it’s been almost ten years now” He smiled looking over at me. “I know you think he’s a jerk and there is no denying that he can be a bit of an ass, but he really is a great guy once you get to know him”

 

“I don’t have a problem getting to know him…it’s him that doesn’t want to get to know me” I responded, willing away the unhappy feelings I had towards Adam because I only wanted to bask in the happy ones with Cassidy.

 

“He has his reasons for acting the way that he does, but believe me when I tell you that Adam likes you” He assured me, but I still didn’t believe him. “You want to make friends with him then buy him something gooey and chocolaty, trust me he’ll love you forever. That kid has a sweet tooth unlike anything I have ever seen before” A strange look crossed his face as he said those words, but I didn’t have a chance to ask him about it as he leaned forward and kissed me until I could hardly remember my name.

 

Hours later, after leaving Cassidy’s loft, I found myself standing in front of a bakery on my way home. I didn’t have much money, but I thought that maybe Cassidy was right and a peace offering of sorts might come in handy. I was tired of arguing with Adam and really did find myself wanting to get to know more about him, but he always was so mean and held me at arms length. Everything looked delicious and smelled amazing as I looked at all the tasty treats in front of me. I couldn’t believe the prices for even just the smallest cupcake, already giving in on the idea until I spied a table covered with a few items. The sign read day old items, half price and right there in front of me sat a half of some sort of chocolate cake. I hated that it was old and on sale, but hoped that Adam had such a sweet tooth that he truly wouldn’t care.  



	4. Chapter 4

“Hey…” I said to him as I entered our apartment, holding my ware out towards his confused face.

 

“What’s that?” He asked, staring at the bag as if he expected it to explode or something.

 

“A peace offering or something like that” I replied, pulling the bag back and removing what was inside. “Look” I continued, sitting down beside him, noticing that his eyes were locked on the half a cake sitting in my lap. “I don’t know why we started off on the wrong foot, but it seems we have. I don’t want to argue and fight anymore and I thought that we could maybe start over”

 

“Is that chocolate cake from the bakery down the street?” He asked, looking up at me briefly before turning his attention back towards the cake.

 

“Well, it’s a day old, but it’s all that I could afford” I dropped my head in shame.

 

“Adam Lambert…nice to meet you” I heard him say, shoving his hand into mine before he took the cake from me and ran into the kitchen. I was kind of at a loss for words as I heard him fumbling around behind me, a smile lighting up my face when he came back in with two huge chunks of cake on mismatched plates. I didn’t know why, but I knew things between Adam and I were going to be alright after that. We talked long into the night until we both had to go to bed or we’d be late for our day jobs the next morning.

 

My life took such a dramatic turn after that. Adam and I became great friends and I learned that he did have a soft side, one that I loved dearly. Cassidy was the perfect boyfriend, falling into the roll rather easily despite the way that he fought me before hand. I still had my job at the club, working as many hours as I could in order to pay the rent and keep food in my stomach. The truth was that the three of us were struggling constantly day to day, but none of that mattered to me because I hadn’t ever been so happy in my life. I had decided to put off working on my music for a bit in order to support Adam and Cassidy who were also working on theirs. Once a week they sang at this shitty dive in a bad part of town, but they were sharing their music and it was a start. Their music was different as night and day and yet I loved listening to both of them when they were on stage, often helping both with their arrangements when they weren’t.

 

Several months into our relationship, Cassidy was invited to play at a gay pride rally in Florida. He had several friends who lived down there and had pulled enough stings to get him booked. I was overjoyed and saddened because as much as he begged and pleaded for me to go with him, with work I couldn’t and yet I knew the exposure in another state was exactly what his career needed. I had tried ask for the time off, but my boss had told me in no uncertain terms that if I left then my job wouldn’t be there when I got back. It was a shit job and I seriously thought about quitting, but the fear of starting all over again and looking for a new one stopped me. Cassidy said that he understood, but I could tell that it really bothered him as we made love before he left for his flight for a whole week of singing and fun in the sun. Before he left Adam had assured him that he would take care of me, not that I needed taking care of, but the look on Cassidy’s face looked haunted, almost scared before he nodded and took my hand. “I’m going to miss you so much” I sighed sadly against his neck as we stood outside my apartment building saying our goodbyes.

 

“I love you Kris” Was his reply, my eyes almost popping out of my head as I pulled back and looked at him. “I just wanted you to know that before I left”

 

I couldn’t stop smiling as I leaned up and kissed him passionately. “I love you too” I returned the sentiment against his lips before kissing him all over again. We made out for a few minutes on the stoop, eventually being forced apart by a honking cab behind us.

 

“I love you” He cried out as he walked backwards towards the cab, smiling at me before rushing back over and kissing me good and hard once again. “I really fucking love you” He stated again his beautiful smile even larger, tripping over his own feet as he started walking backwards once again.

 

“I love you too, now get going before you break your neck” I beamed at him, watching him get smaller and smaller the farther the cab drove away.

 

That week was the longest week of my life, but thankfully I had Adam to keep me company and during the course of that week we got to know each other a little bit more. I missed Cassidy so much and longed to talk to him constantly, but he was always busy and since neither of us could afford cell phones it just wasn’t possible. I felt sad and lonely as I sat on the couch one night on one of my few days off, Adam off on a date with his boyfriend Brad. I couldn’t stop feeling sorry for myself as I missed Cassidy alone in my dark apartment; but that all changed the moment Adam stumbled through the door. I could tell that he was drunk the moment that he came in by the way he tripped and fumbled over his own feet, the strong smell of alcohol wafting across the room towards me. He didn’t say anything as he slumped against the wall behind him, locking red and tearful eyes on mine from across the room. “He cheated on me” He finally spoke four words that caused my heart to freeze as he slide to the floor, curling over his long legs before falling completely apart.

 

I was over the back of the couch and holding Adam in my arms without evening thinking about it, my heart breaking at the broken sobs I heard coming from him. “I’m so sorry Adam” I murmured against his ear, holding him even tighter when he wrapped his arms around my waist and crushed his head into my stomach.

 

“Why?” He asked. “Why would he do that to me?” He asked again and I had no answer for him because the truth was I didn’t really know Brad but from what I had heard from Cassidy and some of their others friends it had been coming for a while. In my own personal opinion, one that I would never share with Adam was that Brad was never good enough for him. The few times that I did see them together they always seemed to be surrounded by drama and I couldn’t recall Adam ever truly looking happy when they were together. I found myself comparing their relationship to the one between Cassidy and I and it made me sad because I knew how much Adam loved Brad and yet it wasn’t enough to make it work. Love takes two and with Cassidy I had that, the relationship between Brad and Adam always seemed once sided and that only made me hurt more for the man I still held in my arms.

 

“I don’t know, but I’m here now and I’m going to take care of you” I promised, struggling to get him off of the floor since he weighed more then I did, but finally managing. “Lets get you to bed and then I will bring you something for that raging hangover you’re going to have tomorrow”

 

“Why Kristopher, what will Cassidy have to say” I heard him slur against my ear, arm around my shoulder, hanging on as if for dear life. “Don’t care anyway because he broke the rule” He continued to mutter, not making any sense to me as he fell onto his bed in a heap of mangled arms and legs.

 

“What rule?” I asked, turning him onto his stomach in case he decided to vomit later in the night, but I didn’t get an answer as he hide his face in the pillow and began to snore loudly.

 

I didn’t see Adam the next morning as I got up and prepared for work, but I found him huddled up under a blanket on the couch later that night when I got home. “How are you feeling?” I asked as I walked into the kitchen, preparing another chocolate day old goodie from what was quickly becoming my favorite bakery. He still hadn’t answered me when I walked back into the living area with two chocolate cupcakes in my hands. He didn’t say anything as he first looked at the cupcakes, then my face before bursting into tears once again. I found myself in the same stance as the previous night as I fell onto the couch next to him and held him while he cried out the contents of his broken heart.

 

“You keep buying me chocolate and you’re going to make me fat” He sniffled against my arm sometime later as we laid side by side on the couch, our feet sitting on the crappy piece of wood we called a coffee table.

 

“You’ll only dance it off later” I smiled at him, watching as he shoved half the cupcake in his mouth before eyeing mine. “No…” I said, holding the tasty treat away from him, fully intending to let him have it regardless but tying to make him smile at least a little bit. “Ok…fine” I laughed at the puppy dog stare with full pout I got in return. “Saved by the bell” I laughed again, handing him my cake as I raced for the phone. “Hello…” I giggled as I watched Adam pretty much shove the entire thing in his mouth that time.

 

“Collect call from Cassidy Haley. Will you accept the charges” I heard an operator speak through the phone, my heart beating a mile a minute as a smile spread across my face.

 

“Yes, of course” I cried out without thinking, not sure where I was going to get the extra money to pay for the charges. I didn’t care though because I was willing to work a few extra hours at the club if it meant that I got to talk to the man that I loved. “Cassidy…hey are you there?” I cried out happily, watching as a heart wrenching look crossed Adam’s face before he left the room altogether.

 

“Hey Precious” I heard my boyfriend say causing me to forget about Adam for a moment as I closed my eyes and relished the sound of his voice. “Man, I miss you so much baby”

 

“I miss you too” I grinned into the phone. “I can’t wait to see you day after tomorrow”

 

“That’s actually why I’m calling you” He replied slowly, my heart diving into my stomach at the tone used. “My friends were actually able to book me at another gay pride rally. So I won’t actually be home for another week”

 

“That’s great Cass” I tried to sound happy for him, but I knew I was far from the mark as I sat down on the floor, cradling the phone against my ear.

 

“I won’t do it if you don’t want me to” He said and I knew he meant it, which made me feel like a complete ass because he was doing what he loved to do and getting the word out there about his music. “I still have my plane ticket and I can…”

 

“No…really…it’s ok” I assured, patting myself mentally on the back for sounding a bit more excited for him. “I think that it’s great that you’re able to get your music out there. I just miss you” My voice lowered as I spoke those words, willing away the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks.

 

“Jesus Kris…I love and miss you so much” I could tell he meant those words and it caused me to smile for real because I could never get tired of hearing the sentiment.

 

“I love you too” I watched as Adam walked towards the kitchen, looking at me with a look of shock on his face before turning around and heading into his bedroom.

 

“I won’t keep you on the phone long, but I just wanted to hear your voice and let you know about the change in plans. Everything ok over there. Adam’s not giving you anymore shit is he?” I could hear the laughter in his voice and yet it sounded sort of fake to me.

 

“Brad cheated on him and they broke up” I told him the sad news, getting concerned when the line seemed to go dead. “Cass…you still there?” I asked, hoping that I hadn’t lost the call because our phone was a piece of shit that didn’t have a caller id on it.

 

“I’m here baby. Is he ok?” That same fake tone was back, causing me to wonder what it meant, but I brushed it aside because I didn’t want to harp on it or Adam’s problems at that moment in time.

 

“He’s hurt, but I’m here to help him through it”

 

“That’s my precious…heart of gold and all” He sounded sad then, confusing me even more.

 

“Cassidy is everything ok?” I asked in concern.

 

“I just miss you so much” He repeated his earlier words, causing those damn tears to burn my eyes once again. “Maybe I should just come home. I miss you and Adam needs me”

 

“You’ll do no such thing” I scolded him, once again patting myself on the back for being a great boyfriend. “You go to that pride rally and you kick some ass. You show those Florida boys what you are made of onstage and then you come back home and show me what you’re made of in bed” I couldn’t help but chuckle at the sharp intake of breath I heard across the line, my own breath growing ragged as I thought back to some of the times the two of us had made love before he left. “I love you Cass and I can’t wait for you to come home. Talk to you soon” I hated to end the call, but I knew I was pushing well past working just a couple of hours to pay for that phone call.

 

Hanging up the phone, I walked into Adam’s room, sitting on the side of the bed as he laid across the middle of it. “You’re in love?” He asked, tears ghosting slowly down his face and yet something told me that it wasn’t because of his break up with Brad.

 

“Yeah…” I smiled, unable to stop myself despite the pain I saw right in front of me.

 

“Night Kris” He said slowly as he rolled onto his side, dismissing me without even saying a word.

 

“Night Adam” I responded, watching him for a few seconds from the doorway before I trudged off to me own room.


	5. Chapter 5

I had asked for extra hours at work and Jack was more then happy to give them to me and before I knew it the week was over with just one more day until Cassidy came home. I found myself humming a tune that had lodged itself within my head on my way home, planning to put lyrics to it later that night as I counted the hours before I would see him again. I knew something was wrong the moment I entered the apartment, Adam holding a piece of paper out to me as I entered. “Cassidy just called. I was going to leave you a note” He said slowly, avoiding my eyes as I took the paper and looked at it.

 

“Cass called. Booked another gig. Having a blast, but misses you. Will be home soon” I read, crumpling it up and tossing it across the room as anger bubbled up inside of me. “And let me guess he called collect again because lord knows I haven’t been putting in enough extra hours to pay for the last set of fucking charges” Adam didn’t say anything, just stared at me as if he didn’t even know who I was and yet I didn’t care. “I’m sorry” I rushed out, the anger deflating as quickly as it came as I fell onto our ratty couch and tried to control the lonely tears that pricked my eyes. “I’m just being a jerk and such a shitty boyfriend by not being supportive”

 

 

“You just miss him…I understand that” Adam sat down next to me, taking my hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.

 

 

“How long is he gone for?” I asked, biting my lip in order to hide the quiver there.

 

 

“Two weeks” He replied, squeezing my hand once again as I stared straight ahead in an attempt to hide my tears. “You know what. I’ve got some extra money in my paycheck this week. Why don’t I go down to the bakery and get us something extra chocolaty and then we can just hang out and talk about how crappy boys are” I could hear the laughter and playfulness in his voice and it caused me to smile just a little.

 

 

“I’m ok…save your money” I finally looked at him, turning my hand around in his hand and giving it a squeeze that time. “Don’t waste it one me”

 

 

“When it comes to you its anything but wasted” He said, his eyes looking deeply into my own before he jumped up off of the couch and rushed for the door. “Be back in a flash” He smiled at me before he disappeared into the hallway. I couldn’t stop thinking about that look as I continued to sit on the couch, because if I didn’t know any better I would have sworn that it was the same look of love that I always saw when Cassidy looked at me. I knew I had to be wrong as I brushed it away, curling up into a ball and falling asleep almost as soon as I closed my eyes. When I woke up the living room was dark, but I knew Adam was back because I could hear him moving around in the kitchen. “I went to the store instead and got us something better” He smiled as he walked into the room, holding up two large glasses. “I remembered we had some left over alcohol from a party I threw a while back and instead of cake I bought margarita mix” He seemed so excited as he handed me one of the glasses, downing his before I could even raise mine to my lips. “I have more” He said to me with a grin, getting up and rushing into the kitchen, coming back with a pitcher full of the colorful beverage.

 

 

“How many of these did you have while I was asleep?” I asked with a laugh as he placed it on the coffee table, falling dramatically onto the couch beside me.

 

 

“Only a few sips” He grinned up at me.

 

 

“I think maybe more then a few sips” I giggled at the carefree look on his face.

 

“Probably” He burst out laughing, sitting up and filling his glass before leaning back. “So now you need to catch up” And I did just that until the pitcher was empty and the two of us for some strange reason were lying side by side on the floor. We talked about everything, from his childhood and his coming out, to my Aunt and Uncle and the horrible way they treated me before I high tailed it to California. “What happened to your mom and dad?” He asked, lying so close to me that I could feel the heat from his body against my own. “Kris…you don’t have to tell me” He seemed to panic and I knew it was because of the look of pain on my face and in my eyes. I fought with myself as if I should tell him or not, realizing rather quickly that I wanted him to know despite the fact that my own boyfriend didn’t know yet. “Holy shit…” He cried out once I had told him everything, feeling more sober then I should have been after so many drinks. “That’s why you broke down in tears the minute you entered our apartment”

 

 

“Yeah…” I replied, tears trickling down my cheeks. “I felt like I was home for the first time since my family had died” I explained, closing my eyes when Adam reached out and traced one of my tears with the tip of his finger. I had warning bells flaring in my head and yet it didn’t stop me from leaning into the touch, my eyes locked on blue ones staring back at me.

 

 

“I hope that you always feel like this is home” Adam said moving that same hand to cup the side of my face, his eyes moving from my eyes to my lips. The warning bells grew louder and yet once again I could stop myself as I licked my lips while still staring at the man in front of me. He took it as an invitation and leaned forward while tugging me towards him with the hand still on the side of my face. I wanted to stop myself, really I did, but all I did was follow his lead until his lips were covering mine and we were kissing as if our lives depended on it. The fact that I totally had a boyfriend fled from my mind as I wound my hands through his dark hair, allowing him to take the lead as he laid me on my back, his body all over mine as he pressed me into the hard floor. “Kris…” He moaned against my lips, his erection hard and pressing against my hip as he rocked his body in rhythm with mine. His kisses were amazing and hot and I wanted so much more because there was a spark, something different, something that I hadn’t ever felt with Cassidy in all the times we had been intimate.

 

 

“We can’t” I pushed him away, the fact that I had a loving and sweet boyfriend in my life slapping me right in the face finally. “I can’t” My breathing was ragged and uneven as I wiggled my way from underneath him, walking across the room to put much needed space between us. “Shit…Adam…I’m sorry” I decided to take the full blame, not even wanting to deal with the idea that I wanted nothing more to then follow Adam into his bedroom and have him do all sorts of new and wicked things to my body.

 

 

He didn’t say anything for a long time, but his eyes never left mine. I felt as if he was searching my soul with those blue orbs of deepness and so I finally had to close them because it actually hurt my heart to read the confusion and love I found looking back at me. “You felt it too” He finally spoke, my eyes shooting open and finding his once again. “I know you felt it Kris, you eyes tell me everything”

 

 

I wanted to lie, but how could I when I knew he would know anyway. “I’m with Cassidy” I pointed out, knowing it was a low blow and hitting the directed mark as Adam finally looked way from me. I actually felt my heart stop beating for a moment at the conflicted and sad look on his face before he looked at me again.

 

 

“He broke the rules, but I won’t come between the two of you because I know that he loves you” He said, not even bothering to look at me again as he got up off of the floor and walked into his bedroom, closing the door behind him.


	6. Chapter 6

We avoided each other as much as possible for the next two weeks, which was hard considering the tiny apartment that we lived it. He rarely spoke to me when we were in the same room together and yet all I could think about were his lips, that amazing kiss and the way that his body felt against mine. I was torn and frightened about the feelings that I had developed for Adam and heartbroken and ashamed about the fact that I had cheated on the man that I claimed to love. I didn’t know what to think or what to do and after two weeks I felt my resolve start to slip as my feelings for Adam continued to grow. Thankfully Cassidy came home a few days before schedule and I was distracted enough to forget about what was going on between Adam and I at least for the moment.

 

“Move in with me” Cassidy said to me a month after his return as we laid in his bed one night after making love.

 

“What…” I rushed out, shifting away from him in almost a panic at the idea of moving out of the apartment I shared with Adam. Guilt washed over me as I sat off of the side of the bed, closing my eyes when Cassidy began kissing my neck and shoulders sweetly.

 

“I want you to move in with me” He repeated, lying his chin on my shoulder, his hands wrapping around my waist. “I love you Kris and I think that it’s time to take this relationship in the next direction” I could tell he meant those words, tears burning my closed eyes as the guilt continued to consume me. I was so conflicted and confused because I really did love Cassidy and I also felt that it was time to move our relationship into the next level, but at the same time I held such strange and confusing feelings for Adam. The idea of leaving Adam frightened me and caused a small pang in my chest each time that I thought about it. “If you don’t want to its ok” I heard him say softly, pulling away from me at my reluctance to respond to him and it made my guilt grow even more.

 

“No…I want too” I heard myself say, not even sure that I meant those words, but knowing that it was the right thing to say at least for Cassidy’s sake at the bright smile he shot my way when I finally turned to face him.

 

“Really?” He asked, a little bit of uncertainty reflecting back at me from his eyes.

 

“Yeah really” I smiled at him, closing my eyes and holding onto him tightly when he pulled me into his arms.

 

“I love you so much precious” He murmured against my ear and it caused me to cry because I had finally found someone that loved and adored me whole heartedly, the problem however was that as much as I loved him in return, I didn’t think it even held a candle to the love that was growing for Adam.

 

Adam still wasn’t speaking to me the next day as Cassidy and I entered my apartment so I could change before I headed off to work. I could hear him and Cassidy talking as I changed clothes in my room, but I couldn’t make anything out. “Hey babe…I have to get going” I heard Cassidy’s voice as I looked up and found him standing in the doorway. “I’m going to miss you” He grinned at me, stepping into the room and pulling me into his arms.

 

“Me too” I smiled in return, closing my eyes when he leaned down and kissed me soundly.

 

“We can start moving your stuff out of here this weekend. I’ve already told Adam about our plans and that he’s going to have to find a new roommate” I panicked at those words, my body stiffening as the breath literally left my body. “You ok?” He asked, concern staring back at me as he looked down at me.

 

“Yeah…fine” I lied, putting on the fakest smile ever. “What did he say?” I asked, my heart beating so hard in my chest that I just knew that he could hear it.

 

“Nothing much” He shrugged his shoulders, still staring into my eyes in a way that was making me feel uncomfortable. “I mean you guys can’t live together forever right?” He looked a little sad as he said those words and I knew that I was hurting him with my lack of excitement over moving in with him and sharing our lives together.

 

“Right and I can’t wait to move in with you, to start a life with you” I smiled for real that time because no matter what my confusion over Adam was, I truly did love Cassidy and he did make me happy. I leaned up to kiss him, giggling when he swooped down, picked me up and began to spin me around. “Put me down you big ape” I giggled even harder when he did finally put me down, the two of us falling onto the bed as he held me tightly within his arms.

 

“Love you” He giggled back, holding me close before leaning down to kiss me as once again the guilt began to ebb its way into my heart.

 

“You can’t do this” Adam yelled at me the minute I walked into our apartment many later that night after working an exhausting shift at the club.

 

“Oh so you do know how to speak” I replied tiredly, ignoring the look of anger he was directing my way as I walked into the kitchen and looked for something to drink.

 

“Moving in with Cassidy is wrong Kris and you know it” He wasn’t detoured as he followed me into the kitchen, leaning against the doorframe while I downed the last bit of my water.

 

“Adam, can we please not do this” I sighed just too tired to talk about that line of conversation.

 

“Tell me you didn’t feel anything that night and I’ll just let it go” He said instead, letting me know that he had no intentions of letting it drop.

 

“Adam…please” I begged, closing me eyes and leaning my head against the door of the freezer.

 

“You can’t do it because you felt it too” I heard him walking towards me.

 

I didn’t know what to do as he closed the distance between us in the tiny room, standing in front of me with wide eyes, mouth open as harsh breaths wafted over his plump lips. “Cassidy…we’re…together” I mumbled words that made no sense because I was so tired and so confused and I had no idea what the hell I was trying to say or what I should have been feeling. I closed my eyes again when I felt his arms wrap around me, holding me close, the weariness of my body growing deeper as his heart beat steadily beneath my ear as I laid my head on his chest. “I’m so confused” I finally admitted so tired that I couldn’t fight it anymore and what frightened me the most was that I didn’t know if I wanted to.

 

“I know you are, but you have to admit that there is something there Kris” I heard him say, but I didn’t open my eyes, just held onto him even tighter.

 

“I don’t want to hurt him” I finally found the strength to pull back. “I love him”

 

“I know” He replied sadly, just looking into my eyes for a moment before stepping back. “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have…” He turned to walk away and I panicked for a moment because I had a feeling that if I didn’t say something that I might lose Adam for good.

 

“I’m so confused” I cried out again towards his retreating back, watching as he turned back to face me with such hope in his blue eyes. “I felt it Adam…I did” I went on deciding that the truth needed to be said, even if one or all three of us ended up hurt in the end. “I just…I just don’t know what to feel about it or how to handle it” I stammered, more confused and hurt then I’d ever felt in my lifetime. “I don’t want to hurt him because I meant it when I said that I love him…” I repeated my earlier words. “But, I feel something for you Adam. Something that I don’t feel with Cassidy and its scaring the shit out of me” I exclaimed, rushing forward and falling against his chest once again because it’s where I needed to be.

 

“I know I said that I wouldn’t come between the two of you Kris, but he broke the rules and if I need to fight to have you in my life then that’s what I’m going to do” I heard him say, more confused then ever as I pushed him away, rushing out of the kitchen to put some much needed space between us.

 

“You keep saying that he broke the rules…what rules?” I asked irritated because I had heard both Cassidy and Adam say that phrase numerous times in reference to my relationship with Cassidy and yet I had no idea what it meant.

 

“Why do you think that I picked you to live me with Kris?” I heard him ask wondering what the hell that had to do with anything.

 

“You needed someone to live with you to help pay the rent” I rushed out, having a feeling that that was not the correct answer by the look on Adam’s face.

 

“Not even close” He responded quickly. “I got hundreds of responses to that ad and I had already narrowed it down to a select few before I even got your email response” I didn’t like where the conversation was going as I turned heel and started to walk away, stopping when he continued. “You sent that picture of yourself and I took one look at your sad face and I was gone. I didn’t know what it was about you, but I knew I had to pick you. I knew you were probably a huge risk and that I was going to end up being your sugar daddy if you will, but I didn’t care because there was just something about the look on your face that made none of that matter”

 

“You felt sorry for me” I ground out, recalling the crappy picture that he required I send before he would even consider me as his new roommate.

 

“I fell in love with you” He corrected, staring directly into my eyes as I tried to control the way the room began to spin around me. “You’re my soul mate”

 

“You didn’t know me…love doesn’t work that way” I stammered, leaning against the wall before I fell to the floor because I didn’t know what to do with that new information or how to feel about it. “You treated me like shit from the first day I got here and…” I was at a lose for words as Adam strode across the room, grabbing me by the shoulders and forcing me to look up at him.

 

“I played over and over in my head how our first meeting would go and the moment that you walked into the door I freaked out. I could hear myself talking to you and yet I couldn’t stop myself. It just all went downhill from there and then you started dating Cassidy and…”

 

“You were dating Brad” I cut him off, breathing so hard that I felt as if I was going to pass out.

 

“I know” He sighed, letting me go as I slumped against the wall once again, trying to process everything. “I was going to break up with him once I figured out how to make you love me, but then you and Cassidy started dating and I just gave up”

 

“His dating me broke the rules” I said, everything becoming somewhat clear to me then.

 

“I saw you first. I wanted you first. You were supposed to be mine and he knew that. I don’t keep secrets from Cassidy…well until now” He sighed again, looking so miserable that it hurt my heart. “He knew what I felt for you and yet he still pursued you and made you fall in love with him before I even had the chance to prove to you that you should love me”

 

I had no words for him or what he had said to me as I walked slowly into the bathroom, closing the door behind me because I needed some space to process everything. Sitting on the toilet I hide my face in my hands and cried. I cried over the confusion I felt, over the fact that Adam had been in love with me the entire time I had been in California and that eventually Cassidy was going to be hurting in the end. I sat in that tiny shit box for a long time, everything running through my mind and coming back to one single conclusion each time, that somewhere along the way I had fallen head over heels in love with Adam. When I finally came out of the bathroom I found him sitting in the hallway with his head in his hands. Kneeling down in front of him I pulled his hands away from his face noticing the tears in his eyes, ones that matched my own as I leaned forward and hugged him. “I know what I have to do” I whispered wetly against his neck. “I just don’t know if I can do it”

 

“I know baby and I’m sorry” He replied, pulling me closer until I was in his lap with my head lying on his shoulder. I could tell that he was sorry and yet I knew that it really didn’t matter because I had finally admitted to myself that I was in love with Adam and in the end I was going to have to hurt the one person that I swore I would never hurt. “We can talk to him together if you want” I heard him say, nodding my head no because I knew that Cassidy didn’t deserve that. He deserved to hear the truth from me and then he would have to decide if he loved me enough to forgive me. I hoped that we could be friends and deep down inside, I had a really good feeling that we could because Cassidy was an amazing man with a huge and forgiving heart. “When will you tell him?” It was a fair question, my heart nearly pounding out of my chest as I snuggled deeper into Adam’s arms.

 

“He’s coming over here after work tomorrow. I’ll tell him then” I couldn’t stop myself after that curling as much as I could into Adam’s body sobbing so loud and so hard that with the mixture of physical and emotional exhaustion from my day fell asleep within his arms. I woke up the next morning in my room, lying across Adam’s chest to the sound of my alarm clock. I didn’t have to ask how we got there as I tilted my head forward and found Adam staring down at me.

 

“You fell asleep and when I tried to put you to bed you started crying out” He explained without me having to ask. “How are you feeling?” I could see the concern in his eyes and it caused me to smile for a moment, my eyes misting with unshed tears as I thought of what I had to do later when I saw Cassidy. “Kris…I want to tell you to forget it and stay with Cassidy, but I can’t” He sat up, forcing me to sit up as well. “But if you tell me that you don’t want to go through with this, that you want to stay with Cassidy then I won’t stop you” I could tell he meant it as I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tight.

 

“I know what I have to do” I smile sadly at him as I pulled back, getting up off of the bed because I didn’t want to be late for work. He didn’t say anything else as I dressed silently in front of him, our eyes locked on each other because neither of us truly knew what to say. I hugged him once again before I left for work, still not speaking as we just held each other tight.


	7. Chapter 7

I was a outright mess my entire shift at the club, screwing up everything that I touched so much that I just knew Jack was going to fire me on the spot. He just yelled at me and threatened a time or two, but he never followed up on the threat and before I knew it my shift was over and I was heading home. Adam wasn’t home when I got there and I was thankful that he had to work at his own job, leaving me alone with my thoughts as I waited for Cassidy to come over so I could give him the bad new.

I started crying the moment that he walked into the door, feeling like an even bigger jerk when he just held me and whispered soothing words in my ear. My mind kept telling me to keep the words I needed to say to myself, to not hurt the heart of the man who I knew loved me so much and yet my heart overruled my mind as I blurted out the words I needed to say. “It’s over” I cried out, pushing away from him, hands covering my mouth because I couldn’t believe I had been so callus and mean to just blurt it out that way. He stepped back his eyes practically boring into my soul as I continued to stand there with tears racing down my face and unable to do anything but stare back.

“You promised” He whispered brokenly as tears glistened within his eyes before slipping down his cheeks because without me having to even say a word he knew what was happening and why.

“I know” My throat was rough and heavy due to the lump of pain stuck there.

“Did you sleep with him?” I could hear the anger and accusation heavy and thick in those words and it caused me to cry even harder, the words that needed to be said not coming because he already knew who it as I was leaving him for. I could only shake my head frantically back and forth as he continued to cry openly before me. “Did you kiss him?” I still couldn’t answer as I closed my eyes, wiping at the huge tears falling from them. “You promised” He whispered again, holding his stomach and staggering backwards as if I had kicked him in the gut and I guess in a sense I had. “No…don’t touch me” He cried out when I reached out for him because I just wanted to pull him into my arms and take away the pain that I knew I had caused him. “Don’t you ever fucking touch me again” I still said nothing as he jerked open the front door, rushing out into the hallway. I was amazed at just how quickly it had ended as I fell onto the floor feeling numb and lost.

I was still there an hour later when Adam came home. He tried to comfort me, but I wanted no part of it as I pushed him away and ran into my room. At that point in time I was just to numb, my heart frozen to do more then any thing but sit on my bed and stare at the wall across from me. I wanted to cry, wanted to scream, do anything to make my mind stop replaying the absolute look of shock and betrayal that screamed out from Cassidy’s eyes once I had told him it was over. I wanted to run to Adam and fall into his arms and fall apart, but I knew I had hurt him too when I pushed him away. I felt like the lowest piece of scum on the planet, yet still unable to do anything more then sit there.

I still felt nothing as several hours later I forced myself to get up and use the bathroom when the pain in my side became more then I could bear. Afterwards I just hesitated outside Adam’s closed door, wanting to go in so desperately and yet a little bit of fear holding me back from doing so. I wept in relief and pain when as if reading my mind, Adam opened the door and held out his arms to me. I fell into them immediately, sobbing so hard that I lost my breath. I didn’t say anything when I felt him scoop me up from off of the floor and carry me to the bed. “Sleep” I heard him murmur against my ear once he had situated the two of us on the bed together. “Sleep” He whispered again, when I tried to speak, kissing my forehead before molding his body against my own. I fought it for as long as I could, but I was mentally and physically exhausted and before I knew it I had fallen under, not waking up until much later the next morning. I was in a full blown panic as I looked at the clock on his nightstand realizing I was several hours later for work, Adam tugging me back down onto the bed and holding me tight once he explained that he had called my boss and told him I wasn’t coming in that day. I panicked for a moment because I couldn’t really afford to lose any hours with the rent coming up due, but he assured me that everything was going to be ok and I truly believed him.

“Do you think that he’s ok?” I finally found my voice many hours later after dozing off and on throughout the morning.

“I don’t know” He replied, pain and regret so easily heard in his voice. “I tried to call him but it went straight to voicemail”

“I hurt him so bad Adam” I cried out, the words seeming to echo loudly around us as I hide my face in his chest and just cried my heart out.

“I know, we both did, but this is Cassidy we are talking about and he’s going to forgive us one day and everything will be ok” He pulled back to look down at me, a smile on his face, but his eyes stormy and unsure. “Do you regret it?”

“I regret hurting him, but I don’t regret wanting to be with you” I assured because I knew he needed to hear it. I meant those words as I reached out and cupped the side of his face. “Somewhere along the line, despite the fact that you treated me like your worst enemy…” I grinned, tracing the contours of his cheek as I went on. “I fell in love with you Adam. I can’t ever regret that”

“I love you too” He replied back with a dazzling smile, closing his eyes for a moment before looking back at me. “I hate hurting him too, but there’s something about you Kris that just calls out to me and there isn’t anything in the world that is going to get in the way of us being together” I could see the determination in his eyes and as much as it made me happy to hear that, it pained me so much to know that a wonderful friendship had possibly been destroyed forever. He kissed me then, a soft one that was full of promises of what was to come and I couldn’t wait to find out. We didn’t make love that night because we were both so raw and emotional, but the next morning I couldn’t control myself as my need for Adam consumed me. Our first time was amazing and awe inspiring and nothing like I had ever experienced before with Cassidy. Don’t get me wrong I enjoyed making love to Cassidy, but with Adam it was deeper, more emotional, as if we were put on the planet only for each other.

Adam and Cassidy’s friends didn’t seen shocked in the least when we told them about the break up and that we were now together. They weren’t shocked, but they sure as hell were mad and I seemed to be the one that got the brunt of it. I never really fit in with their friends from the first time I had met them and I knew without a doubt that there wasn’t a snowballs chance in hell of it happening after that. I didn’t care because I had Adam and our love was enough for me to deal with snotty remarks and dirty looks the few times that we all hung out together. Cassidy still hadn’t talked to me or Adam since that horrible night despite repeated attempts from each of us to call him. I still felt awful for what I had done and I missed him so much that it broke my heart each time that I thought of him. I still held out hope that we would one day be able to move past the pain, but with each day that passed I found that hope dying a little more.

It was nearly two months before I saw him again and that first time I just wanted to fall onto my knees and beg for his forgiveness, but he pretended like I wasn’t there despite the fact he was hanging out at the club that I worked at. I watched as he hung out with his friends while I continued to work, tears pricking my eyes when he pulled Adam aside and spoke to him. I was hopeful once again that forgiveness could be found as I watched them hug before Cassidy left the club. Ignoring my duties for a few minutes, I rushed over towards Adam with a smile of my face and asked him what Cassidy said but by the look in his eyes I knew that it wasn’t anything that I wanted to hear. He told me later that night as we lie in bed that he was willing to forgive Adam for his part in the breakup, but that he couldn’t forgive me for breaking his heart. I cried like a baby that night feeling like a monster at how baldy I had fucked things up between Cassidy and I. The next morning I got angry though, the hurt of his avoidance over riding my ability to care. I told Adam that I didn’t want to ever talk about Cassidy again, ignoring his protests as we had our first argument as a full fledged couple. It was over just as quickly as it started as I came to my sense and apologized for taking my anger out on him, but standing by the words I had said just the same. It turned out that it didn’t matter much anyway because just a few weeks later Cassidy announced to his friends that he had had enough of California and was moving to New York to start a new life. I knew his grand departure was because of me and as much as I denied it, it still pained me to know that my betrayal to him was making him run away from his friends and his family.

The night before he was scheduled to leave Adam and his friends held a going away party at the club for him. I was off that night and flat out refused to go as Adam got ready but somehow he talked me into it and I found myself there anyway. They all ignored me, except for Adam who tried to pull me into the conversation from time to time, but it was a lost cause. I didn’t want to be there and none of them wanted me to be there, especially Cassidy who never once again acted as if I wasn’t sitting right across the table from him. I was miserable and hurt as I slunk back into the booth trying not to let my raging emotions get the best of me. After an hour I finally had had enough as I excused myself to the bathroom, assuring Adam that I was fine when he started to follow me. I just needed to be alone for a moment in order to pull myself together. I glanced at the door briefly as I walked by it, actually thinking about just walking out and leaving them all there. I doubted that anyone would even notice that I was gone, but then I turned and looked at the table and saw Adam watching me with worried eyes and I knew I had to suck it up and deal with the emotions for the man that I loved.

I didn’t know how long I hid in the stall totally dreading going back as I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. Again the urge to flee was great, but I took a final breath and forced myself to leave my temporary sanctuary, my mouth falling open and my eyes getting huge when I found Cassidy leaning against a sink staring at me. “I was wondering if you were ever going to come out of there” He finally broke his vow of silence as I stood before him bawling like a baby because I had forgotten how much I loved the sound of his voice. “Don’t do that. Don’t make this harder then it already is” He cried out, looking down at his feet before he looked up at me again.

“I’m so sorry Cassidy” I sniffled, swallowing hard a few times in order to get myself somewhat under control.

“I don’t want to hear that either” He spoke in a flat tone acting as if he wasn’t bothered in the least, but his eyes told me everything.

“What do you want to hear?” I asked, wiping at my cheeks.

“I don’t know” He replied quickly, turning and bracing his hands on the sides of the sink as he looked at me through the mirror. “I have no idea why I came in here”

“Please don’t do this Cass…please don’t run off to New York” I begged even though I knew I had no right to do so.

“I have no reason to stay here anymore” He continued to look at me through the mirror, his words causing me to tear up once again.

“You have your friends and family and you still have me” I stepped forward, jerking back as he whipped around, his eyes blazing with anger and hurt.

“I don’t fucking have you. I never fucking had you” He spat out, tears glistening at the edges of his eyelids as he reached forward and grabbed painfully onto my shoulders. “You fucking lied to me. I told you how fragile my heart was and you fucking stomped all over it and broke it anyway” I had never seen him so angry in all the time I had known him and I had to admit that it scared me a little bit as he continued to grip onto my shoulder so hard that I knew there would be bruises once he let up. “This was so stupid. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking” He murmured to himself finally letting go of my shoulder as he began to run his hand through his hair roughly. “I just…I want to forgive you Kris but I can’t. I just can’t” He continued to speak more to himself as I continued to stand there with my own heart breaking as tears blazed down my face. “I still love you Kris. No matter how much I want to hate you and get over it…I will always fucking love you” I wanted to say something, anything to take away the hurt and the pain, but I didn’t have a chance to as I felt his fingers grab onto my shoulders again, his mouth covering mine in a painful and bruising kiss. Before I could even get my bearings about me he pushed me away roughly before he rushed out of the bathroom, leaving me alone and so fucking confused. I cried in Adam’s arms again later that night after telling him everything, once again taking my vow of moving past Cassidy the next morning when we woke up.


	8. Chapter 8

My life with Adam at the beginning was wonder and amazing all rolled into one. We were both able to move past the pain and hurt we had caused Cassidy and focus that energy on the love we shared between us. I loved everything about my life with Adam. I loved our shitty apartment that was slowly but surely falling apart around us no matter how much we constantly mended things. I loved the shitty jobs that we both held because it gave us the money needed to continue to live in our shitty apartment where we made love and memories every single day. Don’t get me wrong things weren’t all rosy and happiness because we did live in a shit box apartment and we both had crappy jobs, but it was tolerable because we had each other. Money was constantly tight and there were some months we didn’t know if we were going to have enough to eat after our rent was paid, but we muddled through and I felt that it brought us closer together. I was happy and content in our relationship and I thought that Adam was as well, but three years into our relationship I began to notice that maybe he wasn’t as happy as I thought.

It seemed like it started over night, but as I think back on it now I think that the signs were there well before I ever really wanted to notice them. I can still remember the first time we fought about money and how shocked I was at the mean and hurtful things Adam had said to me. Our rent had been raised another couple of hundred dollars and when Adam found the notice in our mail box I saw a side of him that I had never seen before. His face turned bright red, a slew of curse words echoing through the hallway of our apartment stairwell as he punched the metal mailbox with his fist. I was shocked at first and then concerned as I watched the pale skin start to swell immediately. “What the fuck Adam” I cried out, gently taking his hand into my own in order to survey the damage, only to have him jerk it back as he glared down at me.

“Our rents going up two hundred fucking dollars Kris” He yelled, glaring at me as if I had something to do with it.

“So, we’ll work it out. I can work extra hours at the club or maybe one of us can find a part time job somewhere” I said, stepping forward so I could hug him, but he jerked backwards, his eyes still angry and storming.

“You’re already working shit loads of overtime at the club and if I get a part time job in addition to my full time job then when am I supposed to have time for my music Kris?” The way he spit my name out was hateful and mean and it caused my eyes to tear before my own anger started to kick in because he seemed to forget that my music was still completely on hold so he could pursue his dream.

“Well maybe we can start looking for another place then” I tried again, taking a deep breath because I know adding my own anger to the mix was only going to piss him off even more.

“Do you really think that we are going to find anything cheaper then what we have now?” His voice got louder. “Because if you do then you are really living in a fucking dream world”

“I don’t know what you want me to say Adam” I ground out, my feelings hurt again at just how hateful he was being to me. “I’m trying to help”

“Well try fucking harder” He screamed before he turned from me and ran up the stairs to our apartment. I nearly jumped out of my skin at the slamming of the door, slumping against the wall as I tried to come to terms with what had just happened and how it was I was going to be able to fix it. He apologized the moment that I entered our apartment, begging for forgiveness before asking to make love to me. I gave in without question because I loved Adam and I didn’t want to fight with him, but as much as I tried to deny it there was still some lingering hurt there.

The next day I spoke to Jack and asked him if he knew anyone that had part time work available, explaining to him about the rent and the need for the extra cash. I don’t know why because I never thought that he thought much of me, but he gave me a raise that day, deciding to make me a manager as well. I still didn’t know why he did it but I wasn’t about to turn it down because it meant that we now had enough money for rent and even a little bit extra for food and maybe even some fun. My hours spent working at the club increased as well, but I felt it was worth it so Adam could continue to work on his music. I called Adam from the bar that night and told him the good news as well as letting him know that I would be home much later then I had planned. He and his friends decided to come down to the club later that night and hang out and I found it a bit unsettling that he was celebrating the fact that we finally had enough money to make the rent with his friends, while I worked my ass off making that money. I didn’t say anything that night because I figured it would be a one time thing.

Jack had me working just about every day while I continued to do my regular duties, while also being trained for some new ones as manager. I was off one day a week and as much as I wanted to do things and spend time with Adam, most times I was just too exhausted to do much of anything. He seemed to understand at the beginning, but rather quickly I began to read the irritation on his face and soon thereafter he began to spout his verbal frustration. I tried to be understanding because the main reason he was upset was because we didn’t get to spend much time together, but with each week that passed it was getting harder and harder to be understanding. Then one night he decided to go out with his friends, leaving me alone, hurt and confused as to why on the only day we got to spend together he felt it was more important to hang with them then with me. I tried to ask him about it later that morning when he staggered in waking me up when he tripped over his drunken feet and fell on the bed, but all he did was yell and scream at me before passing out. It became a pattern after that and slowly but surely I felt a divide start to grow within us and it scared me to my very core, because deep down I knew it was just the beginning of the end.

After the second week of this happening I had finally had enough and threatened to leave Adam. I was mentally and physically exhausted and so hurt by the way Adam was acting that I felt I couldn’t stand it any longer. I was working my ass off to insure that he didn’t have to work any extra hours or get another job in order to continue with his music and he acted as if he didn’t care, as if it was expected of me. We fought so hard that night, both of us saying things that were mean and hurtful until I had had enough and stormed out of the apartment. I was halfway down the stairs before I realized that I didn’t have any place to go, but that didn’t stop me from leaving anyway. I walked for hours all over the city, trying not to cry as the scenario from earlier that night played over and over in my mind. I had no idea how our perfect life together had turned into something that I hardly even recognized anymore. I wanted to place all the blame on Adam, but I took most of it upon myself because of the fact that I was working all the time and he was often left alone. I started to feel bad after that as I turned back around and headed back home because I knew that Adam and I had to talk, really talk and that nothing was going to change if that didn’t happen.

When I finally got back home I found Adam pacing the living room and when he stopped to look at me my heart broke even more at the tears and outright heartbreak screaming from his eyes. “I’m so sorry” He cried out as he rushed across the small expanse of space, crushing me into his chest as he held onto me tightly. “I’m so sorry. I’m such a loser for treating you the way that I have. Forgive me…please forgive me” He repeated over and over again until I reached up and pulled his head down towards mine. He wasn’t able to say anything else as I kissed him hungrily. I’m not sure how we made it to the bedroom, but there we were tripping and stumbling in out haste to get out of our clothes. The sex that night was raw and hungry and unlike any other time I had been with Adam and as much as I got off on it, it also scared me a little bit. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something had changed between us that night and it was only a short time before I would find out what that something was. Life went back to normal after that night. I was still working an insane amount of hours, but I made sure that the time that I did have away from the club was fully focused on Adam. He stopped hanging out with his friends on the day that I was off and we found things to do as a couple. I was so bone crushingly tired most of the time, but I refused to let him see it because nothing was more important to me at the time then his happiness. I once again let my guard down, thinking that everything was going to be fine and then six months later my life was thrown in udder turmoil and everything became a fucked up mess.


	9. Chapter 9

Throughout our relationship Adam had been prone to colds every once and a while and we would get him some over the counter medicine and it always seemed to do the trick. That particular time nothing we tried was working and with each day that passed he just seemed to be getting sicker and sicker. Everything was so fucked up and I was constantly worried about him because I still had to work and try and take care of him at the same time. Adam was horrible when he was sick, saying mean and hurtful things to me as I tried to do everything in my power to make him feel better. Finally after a week I took a day off from work and literally dragged him downtown to the free clinic. It was a miserable day on all levels because we didn’t have a car and had to take the public transit. Adam was complaining and uncooperative on the way down there and it only got worse as we waited for six hours before we were seen by a doctor. The doctor hardly looked at him before he threw a prescription at us for medication and then we were forced out of the room before I could ever get Adam’s coat on. I was aggravated beyond belief that the medication seemed to be similar to what he had already purchased over the counter, but neither the doctor or the person working the reception desk seemed to care and then we were escorted out like pieces of trash. Adam was even more uncooperative and hateful as we made our way back home and it only seemed to get worse once we had reached it. I was exhausted, worried and near tears as I propped him up on the couch in order to rest because lying down wasn’t an option with how congested he was. I spent the rest of the night doing what I could to relieve his suffering, but with everything that I did he just made me feel as if it was all my fault and that I was more of a nuisance then a help.

 

The next morning he was no better despite the meds that the doctor had sent home with us, in fact the congestion had gotten so much worse that he began to struggle to breathe. He could hardly make it to the bathroom without almost passing out from lack of air and after the third trip that day I couldn’t take it any longer. I knew that Adam needed to go to a hospital and as much as I hated the idea of them because my family had died in one, I knew I had to get over my stupidity and think of Adam and his health. He fought me as much as he could in his condition and then passed out. I was in a full out panic as I raced for the phone and called 911 while keeping an eye on the man that I loved. He was still breathing, but barely when they showed and rolled him into the back of the ambulance, sitting off to the side while worked on him. I could hear everything they said as they placed a catheter in his arm and then shot him up with so many different things I lost count, but none of it made any sense to me as I tried to keep it together and not freak out.

 

I wasn’t told where they were taking him as he was wheeled into the hospital, someone grabbing me and stopping me from running along side the gurney as they took him behind a large wooden door. “I need to go with him” I cried out at the faceless person, tears blurring my vision as I was led to a large desk, a stack of papers thrown at me in lew of a response.

 

“Insurance provider?” I heard someone ask from behind the large glass partition that separated us, but I was still focused on what seemed to be a mound of paperwork in front of me. “Who is your insurance provider?” She asked again, the irritation in her voice evident.

 

“I…we don’t have any insurance” I stammered, a fearful lump gathering in my throat at the idea of them kicking Adam out despite the fact that he needed treatment. Benefits were not offered at the club that I worked at and private insurances we quickly found out were totally out of our price range.

 

“Of course you don’t” She replied in that same nasty tone as she pulled the stack of papers back behind the glass, only to throw an even bigger stack at me the second time around. “There is a free clinic downtown you know” She sneered at me as the fear of losing Adam got sidetracked for a moment at the amount of disdain and disgust I saw staring back at me.

 

“I work sixty hours a week and so does Adam” I lied just a bit because she didn’t need to know the full details of our life, but I wanted her to know that I wasn’t some slacker who didn’t have a job and was living off the good graces of the state. “Neither of our jobs offer insurance and we did go to the fucking free clinic and the meds they gave us were the same shit that we bought over the counter…so don’t you fucking judge us because we don’t have insurance you…” I was cut off by a hand on my arm and a gentle voice in my ear.

 

“Come with me sir” I heard a lady speak in my ear as she led me away from the desk. I just knew that I was going to be kicked out, but I was upset and angry that someone who didn’t even know us was judging us so harshly.

 

“Please don’t kick me out” I pleaded, stopping and shaking out from under her hand. “I didn’t mean to curse at her, but my boyfriends in there and he was having trouble breathing and…”

 

“What’s your name sir?” She asked, looking at me with warmness.

 

“Kris…Kris Allen” I stammered, starting to feel somewhat better and yet I didn’t know why.

 

“I’m not kicking you our Mr. Allen and I apologize for the way you were spoken to back there. I’m just going to take you over here and help you fill out the paperwork needed since you don’t have any insurance. Don’t worry…your boyfriend will still be seen” She assured me when she must have seen the panic in my eyes. It seemed to take forever to finish the stack of paperwork I had to fill out, much of it the same questions over and over again, but I did what I had to do because it was for Adam. The lady whose name turned out to be Mrs. Jackson stayed with me the entire time it took to finish, even bringing me a cup of coffee and a muffin in between. “Just so you know, Adam will be seen and treated here tonight, but more then likely he will be sent to county hospital tomorrow. I knew all about county hospital by the numerous stories I had heard on the news and it caused me to freak out just a little bit more. County hospital was run by the state and as much as it was needed for those of us who didn’t have insurance and couldn’t afford to pay the exorbitant fees of the larger hospitals, it was often referred to as a roach motel because many checked in but never checked out.

 

“How much will it cost to keep him here?” I asked because I was willing to sell every internal organ I had if it meant keeping Adam out of that place.

 

“I’m not sure Mr. Allen, but it could be thousands of dollars if he ends up staying a couple of days”

 

“I can’t let him go to the roach motel” I mumbled, lying my head on the table we were sitting at as I began to weep softly to myself. “What if…what if I can come up with the money?” I asked, raising my head and looking her dead in the eye.

 

“Mr. Allen…please don’t think about doing anything crazy” I could see the concern in her eyes and it made me smile a little bit that she seemed to care about me even though she didn’t know me.

 

“I’m not going to do anything crazy. When my father died he left me an old guitar. When I was a kid he never let me or my brother touch it because he said it was very old and very valuable. I don’t know if he was just saying that so we wouldn’t break it or if it really is valuable. It’s the only thing that I have of him, but if it means that Adam can stay here and get the treatment that he needs then I’m willing to sell it”

 

“You love him very much don’t you?” She asked and I could have sworn that I saw a tiny glisten of tears in her eyes.

 

“He’s my world. I’d do anything for him” I supplied without hesitation. “Do you think that he could stay here if I could come up with the money?” I asked again, reaching out and clutching her hand.

 

“I’ll see what I can do” She replied with a warm smile, reaching into her suit jacket pocket and pulling out a business card. “This is my card; call me when you get back”

 

“Thank you” I yelled, leaning forward and pulling her into a quick hug. “Do you…do you think that you could see how he is doing?” I stammered, needing to see the man that I loved in the worst way.

 

“Stay here and I’ll see what I can find out” She patted my arm before leaving. It felt like forever before she came back and with each minute that I waited it grew harder and harder for me to breathe. When she finally emerged from behind the door they had taken Adam, the look on her face caused my heart to stop beating altogether.

 

“How is he?” I asked, not even recognizing my own voice and I stood up to face her.

 

“He’s in a coma” Words that caused my knees to go weak as I fell back into the seat I had been sitting in earlier. “Its full blown pneumonia and its pretty serious Kris” She reached out for my hand, but I couldn’t feel it because my entire body had gone numb. “I’ve already talked to the doctor and the director of the hospital and if you can come up with a good amount of money they are willing to bill you for the rest. It’s not standard procedure, but we’re willing to make an exception this time”

 

“Why?” I asked, tears once again blazing down my face as I tried t make sense of what she had just told me.

 

“My son is gay” She replied, slipping her hand away from mine as she stood me up and led me towards the hospital entrance. “Go and do what you have to do and then call me” I nodded mutely as she walked away, feeling so lost and alone as I walked out into the sunlight and prayed that what my father had told me as a child had been true.

 

Looking back on it now I should have known the man at the pawn shop was lying to me when he said that the guitar was worth only five thousand dollars. I had seen the way that his eyes lit up the moment I opened the case, but my worry over Adam had my mind working at only half capacity. Five thousand dollars seemed like a huge amount at the time as I eagerly signed the papers and snatched the cash from his hand. I ran like crazy back towards the hospital calling Mrs. Jackson from the lobby hospital phone. I practically threw the money at her when I saw her, but she put it back in my hands and took me to another part of the lobby where we could be alone. I was in a full out panic, my mind conjuring up the most horrific things before she took my hand into her own and smiled down at me. “He’s out of his coma and seems to be responding well to the medications. He’s not out of the woods yet, but this is a good sign” She hugged me close, the money still gripped within my hands. “Do you have a checking account?” She asked as she pulled back. I nodded yes, my brain still not functioning full throttle. “You need to put that in your account and then take a check to the billing department”

 

“Can I please see him first?” I asked, because if felt as if I hadn’t seen Adam in years then only the twelve hours it had actually been.

 

“Of course you can” She smiled at me, tucking the wad of cash still in my hand into the front pocket of my jeans. “Don’t lose any of that” She continued to smile nodding towards the elevator with her head. I followed her in silence, closing my eyes and leaning against the coolness of the wall as we headed up toward the twelfth floor. “He can only have visitors for a few minutes at a time. I’ll come and get you when your times up” She smiled at me once again when the elevator doors opened and we entered into the ICU unit. “Go on…” she pushed me towards a room where I saw Adam lying with an oxygen tube in his nose and an IV line in his arm.

 

He seemed to be sleeping as I entered the room, everything seeming surreal and scary as I looked around the room and took in everything. My feet felt as if they were heavy as cinder blocks as I fought the urge to run, images from a similar hospital from long ago clouding my brain. I was almost set for a full blown panic when I heard my name whispered softly from across the room. I put my panic aside for the moment as I rushed to Adam’s bedside as I looked down at his frail body. “I love you so much” I blurted out because I just felt the need to say it as I reached out and took his hand into mine.

 

“Love you too” He rasped, pulling in a deep breath and I could tell that it was taking a lot out of him to speak just those few words.

 

“Don’t speak” I smiled down at him, blinking back the tears threatening to flow because I was sick and tired of crying. “They’re going to take good care of you here and then when you are well enough you can come back home to me” I smiled even wider at the idea of taking Adam home once he was well enough. I was so happy and relived that I had been able to get the money needed in order for him to stay, not even trying to think about the fact that I had sold the only thing of sentimental value from my past.

 

“Cant afford” He spoke again in true stubborn Adam spirit.

 

“We’re ok” I assured, bringing his hand to my lip and kissing it tenderly. I could tell that he was fighting to stay awake and as much as I hated to leave him Mrs. Jackson appeared at the door and I knew my time with him was over that day. “I have to go now baby” I smiled softly down at him, still holding his hand lightly within my own. “I’ll be back tomorrow though. Get some rest. I love you” He didn’t say anything but I could read the love staring back at me from his eyes as I leaned down and left a soft lingering kiss on his lips. “Love you” I repeated again, lying his hand down on the bed as I turned to leave. He was asleep before I even reached the door as I turned to look at him one last time before I was led out into the hallway. I thanked Mrs. Jackson for her kindness, kissing her on the cheek and promising to check in with her the next day as I ran off towards the bank to deposit the money. It was getting late as I exited the bank, trying to decide if I should go home and sleep, or go to the club and try and make up some of the hours I had missed with Adam’s illness. I opted to go to the club knowing that despite how tired I was we were going to need all the money that we could get now that Adam wasn’t going to be working for god knew how long.

 

Adam was in the hospital for over a week and with each day that passed he started to look more and more like the healthy and vibrant man that I loved. Visiting hours had been extended to me since he was getting better, but sadly as much as I wanted to spend the entire day with the man that I loved, I still had to work to ensure we had money coming in. He said that he understood, but I could tell that he didn’t completely when I finally did drag myself into his room when I could. I was so exhausted that I could hardly keep my eyes open each time that I visited him because between working my crazy schedule of hours and time spent rushing across town to spend with Adam, I was always on the go. Twice in the middle of conversation I had fallen asleep, only to have a nurse wake me and let me know that visiting hours were over. Again he never said anything, but I could read the upset and disappointment in his eyes each time that it happened.


	10. Chapter 10

I was excited beyond belief the morning that Adam was discharged, taking the day off from work so I could pick him up and spend the rest of it with him. I hadn’t told him, but I had invited all of his friends over to our apartment later that evening because I knew he had missed them while he had been in the hospital. He seemed extra cranky that morning, not really saying much to me as he signed the discharge papers, but it was written all over his face just the same. We were forced to take a cab home because the hospital for one reason or another wouldn’t allow him to take the public bus and despite the fact that it was a more comfortable ride, he complained about it the entire way home. It was an added expense that we really couldn’t afford, but I paid it gladly because I was just so excited to get him back home where he belonged. “Do you want to lie down on the couch or the bed?” I asked him as we entered our apartment, trying not to take it personally when he just ignored me and went and sat on the couch. He made it clear that he didn’t want to talk to me either as he picked up the remote and turned the television on. “The cable got cut off last week because I didn’t have enough to pay the bill” I explained, shrugging my shoulders because I figured cable was something that we could live without until we got back on our feet a little bit.

 

“How did you not have enough to pay the bill?” He asked me angrily, throwing the remote across the room where it landed on a chair. “I mean Jesus Christ how hard is it to pay a fucking bill”

 

I felt as if he had slapped me across the face as I took in a deep breath and tried to will away the pain that his words had caused. “Do you want something to eat or drink?” I asked, ignoring the pain in my heart as I went into the kitchen and opened up the refrigerator. “The doctor said that you still need to drink lots of fluids and get plenty of rest”

 

“What I want is some fucking television” He grumbled, lying back on the couch and closing his eyes as he once again ignored me.

 

That was the final straw for me as I sat down on the floor in out tiny kitchen and cried. I cried over everything that I had been holding within me since Adam’s sickness and even before that. I cried over the loss of my precious guitar and that fact that it made me miss my family so much at the time that I could hardly breathe. I cried over the relationship with Adam that seemed to be falling apart right before my eyes no matter how much I tried to stop it. I cried over my exhaustion and the fact that I felt as if I was losing everything that I held dear in the world. I even cried over Cassidy because despite the fact that I had hurt him terribly, I still missed him more then ever made sense to me. I cried and cried until the last bit of energy expelled from my body and then my entire world went blank. Sadly reality came back into view much later as I found myself wrapped within Adam’s arms on the bed that we shared. I wanted to say something as I looked over and found Adam staring at me with tears in his eyes, but my throat was too raw, to heavy and the fact was that I didn’t have anything to say anyway as I closed my eyes and snuggled deeper into his arms. It felt like it had been a lifetime since I had felt the warmth of his body around me and I started to cry all over again as I realized just how much I had missed it, missed him. He made love to me, slow and softly that night and as I came crying out his name, I already knew that it was just a matter of time before Adam left me. He hated everything about our life and as much as I knew that he truly did love me, I was part of that life and because of it he resented me for it.

 

The rest of the night was spent hanging out with his friends and as happy as it made me to see Adam smile and look excited again, it pained me because it was them and not me that was able to give that back to him. He played the loving boyfriend the first part of the night holding me close and stealing kisses from time to time, but it felt as if he were putting on a show and it made me hurt just a little bit more. Several hours into his welcome home party there was a knock at the door, my heart nearly exploding as someone opened it and there stood Cassidy. He looked amazing and happy as Adam jumped off of the couch and ran into his outstretched arms. He nodded at me with a small smile as I continued to gawk at him because I couldn’t believe that he was really there. After he arrived I felt like even more of an outsider as they all, including Adam flocked around him and listened to his stories of life in New York. I felt cold and alone as I sat on the couch, feeling like an outside in my own home. “I’m going to bed” I whispered in Adam’s ear as he sat on the floor in front of the chair Cassidy was sitting in, but I could tell that he really wasn’t paying attention as he kissed me chastely on the cheek before turning his attention back towards his friend. I caught Cassidy’s eyes for several seconds as I stood behind the group of friends hanging on his every word, and something told me that he was there for more then just a simple visit with his friends.

 

“How much money do you have left from selling your guitar?” I heard Adam ask the next morning as I got dressed for work.

 

“Huh?” I asked, trying to figure out how he knew I had sold my guitar because I had never told him where I got the money for the hospital and he had never asked.

 

“How much money do you have left from selling your guitar?” He asked again the same look of irritation I was getting used to seeing on his face there again. “I know you sold it because it’s the only way that you could have come up with the money for my hospital stay”

 

“There’s nothing left” I rushed out, pulling my shirt over my head and taking a deep breath because I was getting angry but I didn’t want to provoke another fight.

 

“What do you mean there’s nothing left?” He yelled, staring at me with evil eyes.

 

“I mean there is nothing left” I yelled back, sitting on the bed as I tugged my thread bare converse onto my feet.

 

“That guitar was worth about ten grand Kris. There is no way that my hospital stay cost that much” He continued to yell as I jumped up off the bed, feeling as if he had slapped me across the face yet again.

 

“How would you know how much it was worth?” I blurted out, hoping against hope that he hadn’t done what I thought he had.

 

“I had it appraised one day while you were at work” He replied like it was nothing as I took a step back, grabbing onto the dresser behind me in order to keep my balance. “The man told me it could easily be sold for ten thousand dollars, so where’s the rest of it?” He was looking at me in a way that made it quite clear that he didn’t believe anything I had just said to him.

 

“I can’t believe you did that. It was my guitar…you had no right” I stammered, shocked to my very core that he had even thought to do it, much less actually do it.

 

“What does it matter now because you sold it anyway” His voice was cold and it made my heart turn cold because he sounded as if he could have cared less about the way I was feeling.

 

“I sold it because you were in a fucking coma and I wanted to make sure that the man that I loved wouldn’t be transferred to the roach motel” I screamed, my breathing so heavy that I was beginning to feel lightheaded.

 

“You got less then what it was worth didn’t you?” He went on and the accusation in his voice was more then I could take as I raced from the room and out of the apartment altogether. I cried the entire way to the club, ignoring the pitying and strange looks I was receiving from the people walking on the street around me. I was a near fall down mess that entire day, Jack eventually taking me into the back room and forcing me to sit down and tell him what was going on. Jack had never taken an interest in my life before, but he was the closest thing to a friend that I had at that time and I spilled my guts out to him, sobbing like a child the entire time.

 

“He’s a bastard and you need to leave his ass” He spoke straight forward once I had told him everything.

 

“It’s not that easy. He loves me…I know he does but he’s unhappy with our living situation and how hard we have to work to make ends meet” I knew that I sounded like an abuse victim, defending my abuser, but I loved Adam and I hated the idea of anyone thinking badly of him, despite the way that he had made me feel.

 

“You’re a good kid Allen” He placed his hand on my shoulder, causing me to look up at him. “You work hard, don’t give me any shit and you’ve never stolen from me” I didn’t know what that had to do with anything, but it was a nice sentiment just the same. “I don’t usually get involved with my staff’s problems, but like I said you’re a good kid and I like you” He mumbled, causing me to smile just a little bit. “But like I said he’s a bastard and no matter how shitty your home life is, you don’t treat the people that you claim to love the way he has been treating you” I knew that he was right and as much as I wanted to argue with him that Adam wasn’t all bad, I kept my mouth shut instead because the truth was that I couldn’t really deny it. I still loved Adam with my entire heart and soul, but in the previous months he had treated me badly and hurt me over and over again. I knew that our life wasn’t the greatest, but I had been willing to over look it and nearly kill myself to make it as easy for him as I could and yet it just wasn’t ever enough for him. I wanted to cling to Adam and fight for the man I had fallen in love with, but as I continued to sit there for the first time ever I didn’t think I had any fight left in me. “There’s an apartment upstairs” I heard Jack speak, jerking me back from my painful thoughts. “It’s not much, but you can have it rent free but only if you kick that loser to the curb”

 

Again I felt the urge to defend Adam, but I let if pass as I got up off of the chair I had been sitting on. “Thanks Jack” I smiled sadly at him, lying my hand on his arm for a moment before leaving the room.

 

When I got home later I found Cassidy and Adam sitting on the couch talking. Neither of them seemed to notice that I had even entered the apartment and I ignored them as well as I went into the bedroom and closed the door softly behind me. I wasn’t asleep when Adam came to bed several hours later, the closing of the door next to us alerting me to the fact that Cassidy was spending the night. “I’m sorry about earlier” I heard Adam speak, but I ignored him as I rolled onto my side my eyes still closed. “Jesus Christ Kris I said I was sorry” His voice rose a bit louder as he sat on the side of the bed next to me. I still didn’t say a word, but what could I say that wasn’t going to piss him off and I was just too fucking tired to deal with any more drama that night. “Fine then just ignore me then…see if I fucking care” He bit out, punching his pillow several times before he finally laid down, turning the light off and shrouding us in darkness. He was asleep within minutes as I laid as far away from his as I could and cried myself to sleep.

 

I was still exhausted the next morning as I slid out of bed and prepared myself for another day of work. Adam was still sound asleep, but I was ok with that because as sad as it sounded I was enjoying the silence instead of the constant bitching and complaining I heard from him. Cassidy was sitting on the couch as I exited our room, but I ignored him as I walked into the kitchen to find something to eat for breakfast. I just felt numb as I searched the fridge for anything edible but finding nothing. “He’s not happy” I heard Cassidy say as he stood in the doorway.

 

“I know” I replied, sounding like an old man and feeling like one as well.

 

“You look like shit” He continued, confirming that I looked like one as well. I didn’t say anything just walked past him and headed for the front door.

 

“You’ve come to take him away from me” I said as I opened it, just standing there with my back to him because I couldn’t stand to see the look on his face.

 

“He’d be happier in New York and you know it. Together you’ve dug yourself into a hole and its one that neither of you will ever get out of no matter how much you love each other” He replied matter of factly, but I didn’t respond because I couldn’t deny it as I stepped into the hallway and closed the door behind me. The truth of the matter was that no matter how much I wanted to believe that Adam still loved me and that he still thought of me as his soul mate I really couldn’t. He was unhappy and hated our life and I knew without a shadow of a doubt as I walked towards the club that it was over once and for all and that Adam would not be home when I got back later that night.

 

I took Jack up on his offer for the room, being vague when he asked me if I had finally kicked Adam to the curb. He took me upstairs and showed me where I would be staying and as he had described it earlier it really wasn’t much to look at. It was just a simple room with enough space to maybe put a couch and a lamp, with an even smaller room off to the side that was the bedroom and a kitchen that held a mini fridge, with a microwave on top and a stove and a sink that had seen better days. “I used to live up here when I first bought the club but it’s yours now for as long as you need it”

 

“Thank you” I croaked, fighting tears yet again.

 

“Yeah…you’re welcome” He rushed out, looking extremely uncomfortable. “Now um…get back to work” I hugged him quickly, taking the key he held out towards me before going back downstairs. As expected Adam was gone when I got home later that night, a note sitting on the coffee table in his handwriting. I didn’t bother to read it as I walked straight into the bedroom, falling on the bed as I closed my eyes and allowed the numbness that I had been feeling to totally consume me. I still hadn’t read it the next morning after a restless sleep; instead I tossed it in the bottom of a box as I started to pack up some of the stuff I would be taking with me. Before I headed off to work I stopped by the landlord’s apartment and let him know that I would be moving out by the end of the month, not really listening to his ranting and raving about not giving him enough notice and so forth. I just ignored him because the rent was due monthly and we hadn’t ever signed a lease so it wasn’t like the threats he threw at me held any legal ground.


	11. Chapter 11

Over the course of the next week I moved as much as I could into my new place, quickly realizing that I was leaving my old apartment with not much more then I had came with. I only took a few of the things that Adam and I had shared with me, the kitchenware, a few lamps and one old chair we had in the living room. I left everything else, especially the bed that we had shared because it held far too many memories, good and bad. I figured since I wasn’t playing rent to Jack, the money that I saved could be put towards a few pieces of furniture and anything else that I might need. Two weeks later after emptying the last box from my move I found Adam’s letter. I held it in my hand and just stared at it for a long time before I actually opened it up and read the words that made me sad and angry all at one time.

Dear Kris,  
You have to believe me when I tell you how sorry I am for taking the coward’s way out. I know that I should be man enough to face you and tell you that I am leaving you, but I can’t. I can’t because it’s nearly killing me to write this to you and I knew that it would have been much worse to try and explain why I have to go face to face. I love you Kris, you have to know that. I’ve been in love with you from the moment that I looked at the picture you sent to me all those years ago. I love everything about you and although you may not believe it now I will go on loving you for the rest of my life. I know that my actions speak otherwise, but those words are true and I hope that one day you will actually be able to find it in your heart to forgive me and believe them.

I’ve been so unhappy with our life this last year and it has everything to do with me and nothing to do with you. You’ve been amazing and wonderful and I can’t thank you enough to sticking by me when I’ve done nothing but treat you badly. I never deserved that love and support you had for me, but I took it anyway, never once thinking about your feelings or how it was affecting you. I’ve been selfish and mean and yet you always stood by my side and did everything you could to support me and my dream of making music. I want to thank you for that because despite the fact that I rarely ever showed it to you it meant everything to me how much you sacrificed. I hope that one day I can return the favor and support you and be there for you in the way that you deserve. I can’t do that for you now and that’s why I have to leave.

Cassidy found me a job as an understudy in a play. The pay sucks and it’s off Broadway, but it’s a start and something tells me that it is just a matter of time before I get my big break. I’ll come back for you once I do Kris, because no matter what has happened between the two of us I know you are my soul mate and we are meant to be together. I just hope that when that time comes that you are willing to take me back because no matter what I will always believe that we are meant to be together.

Please find it in your heart to forgive me Kris and know that I am doing what is best for the both of us right now, even though it doesn’t feel like it. I won’t ever forget you and I long for the day when we are together again.

All my love, Adam

 

I couldn’t believe the nerve of Adam as I ripped the paper into shreds, watching through tearful eyes as they flittered towards the floor before running downstairs for a much needed drink. I don’t remember much after that just bits and pieces of Jack yelling at me before dragging me upstairs and then waking up with such a headache the next morning that I wished myself dead over and over again. The letter that I had shredded from Adam earlier that night was gone and as much as I racked my brain I could not for the life of me ever remember cleaning it up in my drunken stupor. I decided that I wasn’t going to worry about it as I pushed the hurt and betrayal so far back into the recesses of my mind, deciding that he wasn’t worth it any longer as I focused on what I wanted to do with my life. I had put first Cassidy and then Adam’s dreams ahead of my own and I was damned determined that I wasn’t ever going to do that again for anyone.

It turned out easier said then done because the moment that I realized that it was time to focus on me and my dreams, I had no idea what they were or how I would pursue them. I knew that I wanted to work on my music, but I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do with it and as quickly as I decided to take my life back into my own hands, I let it go again. Instead, for the next year I worked at the club taking on more and more responsibilities until I knew every little thing there was to know about it, Jack sort of taking me under his wing and becoming somewhat of a father figure to me. I got to meet his partner and spent many a night just hanging out at their home watching TV and pretending that I wasn’t a fall down mess. They both encouraged me to start dating again, but I refused because as far as I was concerned I wasn’t ever going to put my heart on the line for anyone ever again. Instead I fucked my way through too many pretty boys to remember, kicking them to the curb afterwards with no regrets whatsoever. Jack and his partner tried to fix me up on dates constantly and I would go on said date, fuck the man crazy and then leave him in the night. I tried to explain to them that I wasn’t looking for love or companionship, but they refused to give in and so the game continued for many years before Jack got sick and there wasn’t time for games anymore.

“It’s cancer” Paul, Jack’s partner said as we sat in a hospital room waiting for the nurses to bring Jack back after running some tests. “Lymphoma to be exact…inoperable” I had no words as I stared blankly at him trying to come up with at least something to say, but having nothing. “Did he ever tell you about how we met?” He went on undeterred as he reached out and took my hand into his own. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t even know that Jack had a partner until after Adam left me, but I kept my mouth shut and listened. “We met at an open mic night long before you were even born” He winked at me, eyes getting a far away look as he continued with his story. “For me it as love at first sight, but I was with someone else so we just stayed friends for a long time before I couldn’t take it anymore and kissed him” I was starting to get uncomfortable because their story was hitting a little close to home as I got up and moved across the room. “The guy I was dating was just the sweetest man and had become a good friend of Jack’s, but the heart wants what the heart wants and we broke his when we decided that we had to be together” He was looking at me with tears in his eyes but also something else that I chose to ignore. “Breaking up with him was the hardest thing I had to do but it was worth it in the end”

I knew what he was trying to get at and it made me just a little bit angry as I started pacing like mad in front of him. “Yeah…well he never left you in the night with a note telling you that his life, his wants were more important then you” I shot out, picking up a pillow on the other bed in the room and squeezing it in order to hide my shaking hands.

“No…he just left” Paul replied with a sad smile. “We were together for six years before he disappeared into the night and it was another three before I saw him again”

My mouth fell open as I took in the sad imploring eyes looking over at me. “You took him back?” I spoke dumbly because of course he had taken him back since we were sitting in his hospital room.

“The heart wants what the heart wants” He repeated his earlier words. “He came back crawling on his knees and as much as I wanted to make him suffer and bleed for what he had done to me, I couldn’t. I was with someone again, had been for over a year and I just dumped him despite the fact that I knew there was a huge possibility that Jack was going to hurt me again”

“Well it seems that he didn’t” I replied, placing the pillow back on the bed before walking over towards him.

“Oh he did…over and over again” He chuckled sadly, patting the empty chair next to him. “I got the club from him because he got stupid and cheated on me one night”

“Oh my god” I exclaimed, wondering what type of Saint Paul had to be to have taken him back after something like that.

“We got into a fight, he stormed out and got drunk” He waived his hand and shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not going to say that it didn’t hurt like hell when he told me and we did break up for a while, but I knew it was only a matter of time before we were back together again. He’s my soul mate and no matter how hard I tried to get over him it just wasn’t possible. I know you understand Kris and…”

“Adam and I are not you and Jack” I reminded, jumping up off of the chair once again. “I’m happy that you were able to forgive Jack for what he did, but I won’t ever forgive Adam for leaving me the way that he did. I need some air” I ground out, rushing out of the room because I refused to give in or cry in front of Paul. I really hadn’t thought about Adam that much after he had left, pushing the hurt and the pain to the back of my mind because I just didn’t want to deal with it, but Paul was making it almost impossible as I paced back and forth in front of the hospital for a while before going back upstairs to Jack’s room. Thankfully he was back by the time I got there and there was no more talk of Adam, myself and the fucked up relationship that we had once shared. It of course was a different story as Paul and I shared a cab back to their place once visiting hours were over.

“Have you even allowed yourself to grieve over his leaving?” He asked, picking up the conversation as if we had never ended it. “Because the truth is Kris that you won’t be able to truly move on and forgive him until you do”

“What we had is over. There is nothing to grieve about” I supplied stone-faced, refusing to give into the painful ache in my heart as I recalled how wonderful things had been at the beginning between Adam and me.

“You feel like that now but as I’ve told you before the heart wants what the heart wants and no matter how much you try and fight it, if the two of you are meant to be together you will be together” I didn’t respond as I paid the cab driver quickly once we arrived at our destination, helping Paul out of the car before rushing off to my own apartment. I got trashed that night as I sat alone in my tiny place, thinking of everything but what I really wanted to think about because I was one hundred percent determined that I wasn’t ever going to think about Adam Lambert again.


	12. Chapter 12

Jack was released from the hospital a few weeks later and thankfully Adam name was never brought up again, instead they started harping on my music. I had played for them a few times after dinner as a thanks for taking me in and treating me like part of their family. They were talking about it night and day, urging me to pursue what was once my dream and even going so far as to set up an open night mic at the club. I balked at first, but then I started to realize how much I loved and missed music before I lost my own family and the man I thought I would share the rest of my life with. The open mic night at the club didn’t make it past the first few shows, but I found myself going to other clubs and bars and really getting a feel of playing in front of crowds, no matter how small they were. Jack and Paul would come when they could, but rather quickly after his release from the hospital, Jack’s health took a turn for the worse and we knew that it was just a matter of time before we would lose him.

 

I got my first glimpse of American Idol that year as I found myself week after week sitting in their living room watching. It was their favorite show on TV and I had to admit that I enjoyed it as well, even though I would never admit it to either of them. I would watch as the contestants sang before the camera, critiquing in my head what they sang and how they could have made it better. I found myself playing those changes later that night in my room on a cheap guitar I had bought from a second hand music store and for my two favorite men the next time I was at their home. They always seemed amazed, each one telling me over and over again that I was wasting my time at the club when music was what I was born to do. I would blush like a child, smile and thank them, but I never even thought about taking it any further. They started to hint around that I should try out for the next season of American Idol, just small hints here and there and then it increased to constant nagging until I finally agreed to go. I was nervous and excited as I picked a few songs I felt would be good enough for an audition, practicing whenever I had a free moment and taking in all the advice that Paul and Jack had to offer. The closer the day came the more nervous I got and yet it was a good nervous, an excited nervous, one that actually started to make me feel alive in a way that I hadn’t felt in a long time. However, that feeling quickly went away as two days before I was scheduled to board a bus and head off to Los Angeles for my audition Jack had a severe stroke and ended up in the hospital once again. Paul begged me over and over again to get on that bus and follow my dreams, but I felt a loyalty to the two of them and once again my dreams were put on the backburner.

 

Jack never left the hospital after he was admitted, the cancer finally taking him away from us a few weeks later with Paul and I at his side. I was devastated at the loss of the man who had become my friend, but also family and yet as sad as I felt I wasn’t able to shed a single tear. Instead I felt nothing of what I should have felt and although I didn’t think anything of it, Paul was concerned. He didn’t say anything for the longest time but I could read it on his face. I was there for him every step of the way as we made arrangements for the funeral and prepared ourselves for the day that we would lay Jack to rest. Paul was inconsolable the day of the funeral, but I didn’t care as I stayed by his side the entire time, holding him within my arms later that night when he didn’t want to be alone. I still felt nothing later that night after putting him to bed as I sat in their living room and tried to make myself cry over my loses and yet not a tear was shed. I wondered what kind of a monster I had become because despite the fact that I felt like I was losing everything again, I didn’t seem to have the inclination to actually feel emotional about it.

 

A week later found Paul and I at a lawyer’s office as Jack’s will was read. I had a strange feeling of déjà vu as I held Paul’s hand and allowed the numbness to consume me once again. I was shocked to learn that Jack had left the club to me instead of his partner, a fact that I refused to accept until Paul told me in no uncertain terms to shut up and sit down beside him. I didn’t say a word as the reading of the will continued, Paul still holding my hand as he cried silently next to me. Afterwards he asked the lawyer to give us a few minutes as he left the room with a nod, closing the door softly behind him. “I can’t take it” I cried out as I jumped up off of the chair and began to pace the small room. “It’s your club, he bought it for you” I reminded him loudly when he just continued to sit there quietly. “Fucking Christ say something” I said because my nerves were on edge at just how calm and peaceful he seemed to be.

 

“I’m dying” He spoke quietly, causing the air to leave my lungs as I fell into a leather chair next to him, trying like hell to figure out what was going on in that everything that I held dear to me eventually left me in the end. “I’ve been dying for awhile now. We just figured that I would have gone before Jack” I had no idea what he was talking about as the room around me began to spin a little as I tried to figure out if what I had heard was real. “I have Aids” I forgot how to breath as I gaped at him, my world waving inside and out before I was brought back at a pair of warms hands on my face. “Kris…” I heard him say my name as I looked up at him as he stood before me, my body feeling even number then it had, if that was even possible. “I know that I have a lot of explaining to do, but before any of that happens know that Jack and I talked about this quite extensively and this is what we both wanted. You can keep it or you can sell it, but it’s yours to do with as you will. I’m hoping that you sell it and take the money to pursue your dreams, but only you can make that decision”

 

“Everything ok?” I heard the lawyer ask as he walked back into the room a few minutes later, but I still couldn’t talk as Paul went back to the table and the two of them talked for a bit while I tried to come to terms with everything I had just learned.

 

“I got it from a one night stand several years ago” He explained several hours later as we sat in a coffee shop after leaving the lawyers office. “Jack and I had gotten into one of the worst fights of our relationship and I was angry. I went to the nearest bathhouse and picked some random stranger to fuck. We didn’t know anything about HIV or Aids back then, and it was nothing for people to fuck with out a condom. I was sick for over a year before they figured out what it was and I’ve managed to live with it this long, but just recently I’ve been developing more symptoms and when I went to the doctor for a check up he gave me the news that it was only a matter of time before I succumb to my disease”

 

“Did Jack have it too?” I asked, hating myself for it but not understanding their relationship one little bit because they had each cheated on each other and yet they had gotten back together again after each time

 

“No…thankfully Jack was smart enough to always want to use a condom and when I found out that I was HIV positive we just continued to do so” He explained, taking a sip of his coffee as he looked out the window for a moment. “We were really fucking lucky because if he hadn’t insisted on using them after he found out I cheated…well I guess it didn’t really matter since he died before me anyway” He sobbed, tucking his face into his hands and crying openly over the loss of his lover. I was out of my seat and at his side in a second as I pulled him into my arms and allowed him to cry on my shoulder as we both ignored the people gawking at us. I couldn’t help but think that the two of them had the most fucked up relationship I had ever heard of, but at the same time I had to envy them because despite every thing they did to fuck it up and every road block thrown in their way, they had managed to stay together in the end. We opted to walk back to his house afterwards, he clutching onto my hand as he told me more stories about Jack and the love that they shared. I stayed with him again, checking on him throughout the night because I had an odd feeling that it was only going to be a matter of time before he joined his lover as well.

 

Six weeks later I found myself back in the lawyer’s office at the reading of Paul’s will that time after finding him dead in his bed one afternoon. It’s been years and yet I still don’t think that he died from the symptoms associated with Aids. I think that he died of a broken heart because he never really was the same after Jack died. I was shocked yet again to learn that everything that belonged to Paul was left to me in his will and as much as I didn’t know what I had done to deserve their love, I was so grateful for having met them and for giving me a sense of family if only for a short amount of time.


	13. Chapter 13

Any idea of going after my music was lost after that as I fell fully into the responsibility of owner and manager of the club. It was what I did from morning till night and with nothing else in between. I was still living in my tiny one bedroom apartment above the club despite the fact that I had a huge home that had been left to me by Paul and Jack. I didn’t know why I hadn’t just settled into my house, but something was holding me back as I threw all my energies into changing the club around and making some improvements that when I worked for Jack he would have never even considered. I had never really enjoyed working at the club before it became mine. I had always looked at it as just a job that paid pretty well considering, but now that I owned it I wanted to be proud of it. I didn’t want it to be known as the seedy and dank, sex club that it had become known for. I wanted something different, something better and I hoped that Jack wasn’t turning around too much in his grave as I set my plan into action.

 

The first thing I did was get rid of the half naked dancing boys that could be found in cages throughout the club. It wasn’t like I wanted the place to be family friendly, but I always hated the way the guys dancing were treated. I also got rid of the shitty sound system that Jack always used in place of a real DJ and hired one of the best ones in the area. I changed the lighting system to turn it from being dank and almost dungeon like to look more like a discothèque with the ball and colorful lights to make the effect real. I kept the back room because who was I to stop a gay man from his right to fuck some random stranger in the dark, but I cleaned it up and hired extra bouncers to keep an eye on things. I wasn’t a prude by any means of the word, but the drug use at Jack’s club had been constant and I was always worried that it was going to be closed down because of it. Now that I owed the place I didn’t have to worry about that any longer. I put every single dime that they had left to me into the club and at first I didn’t think that I had made the right choice by the near empty space that could be found ever night, but soon it started being packed to capacity and despite my improvements I had no idea why.

 

I found out why weeks later as I browsed through a record store looking to add some new music to my own personal collections. I hadn’t even noticed the display when I walked in, only noticing it when I walked out because I had knocked it over with one of my shopping bags. I felt every muscle tighten in my body and the air expel from my lungs as I stared into a pair of mesmerizing eyes, familiar eyes. “Sir are you ok?” I heard someone ask me, but I had no words, no function use as I continued to stare at the cardboard display before me. “Sir…do I need to call someone for help” I heard the person speak again, nothing around me making sense as I tried to pull myself together. “Sir…sir” I heard them call me over and over again as I shook my head almost violently and forced myself back together.

 

“I’m fine” I rasped, reaching into my back pocket and pulling out my wallet. I wasn’t really thinking when I pulled a fifty dollar bill out of my wallet before tossing it at the kid standing beside me, grabbing a CD from the display before running like a bat out of hell. I don’t know how long I sat in the beat up car I had purchased after Paul’s death, but it must have been hours because it was dark when I snapped out of memories from a past I had been trying to forget running through my head. I tossed the CD in the seat next to me, not looking at it again until I was back home in my apartment. My hands were shaking as I opened the plastic cover, tears already burning the back of my eyelids as I remove the jacket and traced my fingers over the beautiful face staring back at me. “He did it” I spoke to the empty room, hardly recognizing the beautiful man covered in colorful makeup, but the eyes, there was no way that I didn’t know who those beautiful blue eyes belonged to.

 

I was a near fall down mess as I opened and read the liner notes, the emotions and pain I had been holding back since Adam had left me surging forward. ***I dedicate this album to Kristopher, the man who will forever hold my heart, the one who is my soul mate in ever sense of the word and who I will love until my dying day*** I stopped breathing in that moment, a sob of pain stuck so deep within my throat that I couldn’t do anything but sit there with my mouth hanging open. The place around me was starting to grow fuzzy as I continued my battle for breath, my eyes growing heavy as my head hit the floor with a loud thump. It was enough to push the lump from my throat forward and with it came the tears and the anguished cries of pain that I had been holding back for so long. I cried unlike I had ever cried before as images of Adam and the love we once shared bombarded me. I cried out the pain that had been lodged deep within my heart not caring that anyone could hear me, only that now that it had started I couldn’t stop. I cried until I could hardly keep my breath and my body was too weak to move as I curled up into a ball and cried even more. Everything hurt the next morning when I woke up still curled into a fetal position on the hardwood floor and then I cried again, but that time it was over every single thing I had lost in my lifetime starting off with the loss of my family, Cassidy, Jack and Paul and then Adam once again. Afterwards I was downright exhausted as I climbed into my bed, threw the covers over my head and slept for two days straight.

 

Finally at the insistence of the new staff I had hired, I made my way downstairs to the club, my mouth falling open at just how packed it was. I still had no idea why they were there, but I found out rather quickly as a man ran up to me with a smile on his face and Adam’s CD in his hand. “Can you sign this for me?” He asked, holding the CD out with one hand and a sharpie marker in the other.

 

“W…why?” I stammered, trying to figure out who the hell the guy was and why he would want me to sign Adam’s CD.

 

“You’re Kris Allen” He responded as if that made any sense in the world. “Adam Lambert’s soul mate and love of his life” There was a duh like quality to his voice as he shoved the CD closer to my face, eventually walking away when I just stared at him as if he had lost his mind. I hadn’t taken two steps before another CD was shoved in my face, that man getting the same look before I slide behind the bar in search of something hard to make all the craziness go away. My head still ached from the emotionally fucked up two days prior and I knew it was only going to get worse as two more CD’s were placed on the bar in front of me. Later that night I learned from one of the bartenders that the word had spread that Adam Lambert used to frequent this club and that somehow they had figured out that the Kristopher from his CD dedication was me. I had no idea how anyone could have found that out, but it quickly became clear as I looked up and found several of Adam’s old friends crowded around a table, all of them smiling as if we were the best of friends. I just ignored them, refusing to even acknowledge them, but somewhat thankful that they were slimy enough to cash in on their friendship with Adam and for whatever reason, in a round about way pulling me into it as well. The truth was that I really hated that the reason my business was doing so well was because of Adam, but the saner part of me convinced myself that it was the least the fucker could do after breaking my heart.

 

I can’t really say that life became good after that, but it was bearable enough that I didn’t feel totally miserable. The club continued to stay packed, the money was flowing in and the staff that I had hired were amazing, giving me some time to myself. I had made the decision to sell the house Jack and Paul had left to me because as beautiful as it was and no matter how many great memories I had there, I just didn’t feel right living in it. It was a house that was meant to be loaded with the love of a family and I held no illusions that I would ever feel love again, much less be part of a family. I was an emotional wreck as I went through their belongings, finding bits and pieces of their lives through photo albums. It made me miss my own family, making me wonder if they were looking down on me and if they were disappointed in the man that I had become. It took weeks, but I was finally able to get through everything and get the house on the market. I kept all of their photo albums, deciding that they were just too precious to part with and in a sense I felt as if a part of them was still there with me. I found myself going through those albums nightly still feeling a complete sense of loss over everything that had been taken away from me as I tried to figure out what I had done in that I didn’t deserve to find love and happiness. I never did come up with an answer, but I just figured that I had pissed someone off above and it was my payback for whatever it was I had done.

 

I was shocked to find the last photo album of the bunch was completely dedicated to me. I hadn’t realized how much I had intertwined within their lives until I looked at the many pictures staring back at me. I also found pieces of scrap paper where I had written down a line or two of a song that had popped into my head, but it none of them ever grew into more then that. I started to bawl like a baby as I fingered a hastily taped up piece of paper forever protected under the clear wrap of the album. I wasn’t sure how it was that Jack had come to acquire the letter Adam had written me when he had devastated my heart and left me for New York, but there it was just the same. I cried even harder when I turned the page and found a flyer announcing my missed American Idol tryouts and the bus ticket I was supposed to use to get there. “Why?” I cried out into the empty room, tears flowing down my cheeks. “Why did you save all this?” The pain in my heart too much as I shoved the album aside and I curled up on the couch and fell asleep.


	14. Chapter 14

I had never been one to believe in fate, but several months later fate or something like it brought American Idol back into my life. I had heard the announcements on the radio and television, but had never thought much about them, but when a harried looking kid came into the club early one evening and asked if he could put a flyer or two up it was really hard to ignore. I wanted to tell him no, but I took the stack of papers he handed me when a yes came to be my reply. I never posted them anywhere, but I found myself reading them constantly as they lay hidden behind the bar. I found myself torn between wanting to try out once again and knowing that it was just a stupid pipe dream. I waged a bitter battle within myself as to why I should go and why I shouldn’t. A huge part of me wanted to take a chance on what had always been my dream, but the other side, the more sensible side forced me to see that I was better off living my life as it was. I tried to convince myself that it was for the best, that I was going to be happier that way and yet as the audition date grew closer and closer I began to see that I wasn’t happy at all with my life and the way I was living it.

 

I shocked myself and my staff two days before the auditions when I announced out of the blue that I would be going. I couldn’t keep the smile off of my face or the gait out of my step as I placed one of the more trust worthy of my staff in charge, not really caring if the place burnt to the ground while I was gone because I finally felt like I was doing what I was meant to do it. I was a nervous wreck the entire drive to the auditions, but it was a good kind of nervous and for the first time in a long time I felt alive. The place was loaded with hundreds upon hundreds of people once I arrived and my nerves actually between to grow a bit more, but then determination set in as I prepared myself for what I hoped was going to be a life changing experience. I was near exhausted when I finally got the chance to audition for the judges, but as I entered the room and felt three pairs of eyes on me, my determination grew as I took a deep breath and poured every ounce of my energy and focus on what I was about to do.

 

I couldn’t tell what they were thinking after I had finished my first song, each of them looking at me in ways that were very uncomfortable as I fidgeted in front of them. “Now are you the best singer out there?” I heard one of the female judges ask and I really had to pause and think about it because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that there were more amazing singers out there then me, Cassidy and Adam had proven that.

 

“You know there are probably people out there that are better then me” I replied truthfully, images of those two men haunting me in the back of my mind. I could already tell it was the wrong thing to say by the grimace that crossed her face, but I was determined to do what I had set out to do and pushed past it. I sang my heart out, hoping and praying that it was enough for them.

 

“I think part of the problem Kris is you” I heard a male judge with an accent speak up once I finished. “Um…because you don’t have a huge amount of personality and your modesty is putting me off a little bit” I had a smile on my face, but I felt as if my dream was slowly dying in front of me as I waited for them to decide my fate. They bantered back and forth for a few moments, my heart beating hard in my chest before they announced that I had made it through and I would be going to Hollywood. I was excited as hell as I threw my hands up in the air in victory, a smile so wide across my face that it actually hurt to put it there, but I smiled even wider. My smile didn’t last long as I left the audition room with no one to greet me or congratulate me as I spoke to the host of the show. As always I thought of my family and how proud they would have been of me if they were still alive. The drive back home was bitter sweet because I was elated and happy that I was about to take a journey that I felt was going to take me where I needed to be, but still somehow the ghost of Adam and the love we once shared haunting me.

 

The next several months were a blur as I trained the person I had left in charge when I went for my audition to take over as manager. Richard was smart and funny and so beautiful to look at sometimes that he made my heart ache. We started sleeping together the first night I made him manager after too many drinks and a lot of dancing. I knew that it was probably the wrong thing to do, but I was lonely and in need of some companionship and he seemed to be looking for something in me as well. I also knew that it would never go anywhere and I could tell he did as well, but it was nice to have someone to talk to, hang out with and fuck whenever the urge hit. I figured that it would take forever before I found myself back before the judges, but it actually flew by so fast and before I knew it I was on my way towards American Idol once again.


	15. Chapter 15

I was a nervous wreck as I sat in the conference room of the hotel we were going to be staying in as several people stood in front of us going over the rules and policies. I tried to listen to what they had to say, but it was so hard to focus with my nerves the way that they were as well as by the guy who was sitting next to me snoring in my ear. I couldn’t help but chuckle as he curled up into my side, his face nuzzling my neck as he murmured incoherent words. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything as I turned and watched this man continue to sleep on my shoulder, laughing out loud when he opened one eye and looked at me with what I could only call a saucy grin. “What can I say except you looked comfortable” Everyone looked over at us as he slowly sat up, smiling at them all while he tipped the fedora perched on his head.

 

“You’re going to get us kicked out of here before it even begins” I grinned, biting my lip in order to control my laughter.

 

“Nah…half of them aren’t even listening to them and the ones that are listening already know that they don’t have a snowballs chance in hell of making it” He winked at me with a brilliant smile. “Matt Giraud” He smiled even wider as he shot his hand out towards me.

 

“Kris Allen” I smiled back, not understanding the draw I felt towards him. It wasn’t sexual because I could tell by looking at him that he wasn’t gay, but there was something there, something that immediately put me at ease, something that told me that he and I were destined to be great friends and for the first time in a long time I realized just how much I missed that.

 

“Nice to meet you” He yawned, snuggling back into the crook of my neck, causing me to giggle yet again because I had no idea what the deal was with this man and his snuggling. “You and I are going to be friends and you just need to get used to the closeness man” He looked up at me with one eye as he had before. “I’m a hugger and a snuggler. You got a problem with it…tough” He winked at me again before closing his eyes and falling back to sleep. The truth was I didn’t have a problem with it even though I probably should have.

 

Afterwards we were pared off into two’s the other person being our roommate for as long as we were staying in the hotel. I was pared off with a snooty looking guy with strange glasses who looked at me with such disdain that it actually made me feel dirty. “Kris…there you are” I heard Matt cry out my name as I turned from the man and found him rushing towards me. “Who are you rooming with?” He asked out of breath once he reached me. “Really?” He asked when I turned my eyes towards rude boy, still glaring at me as if I was shit on the bottom of his shoes. “Fuck off” He cried out towards the man, grabbing the key card he held in his hand, replacing it with his before grabbing my arm and jerking me away. “You have no idea who they had pared me up with” He went on, his eyes searching the crowd before us. “Look” He turned me around, pointing at a young kid with multi colored hair and an outfit that left nothing to the imagination.

 

“So what…he’s gay” I blurted out, jerking my arm away from him because I guessed I had judged Matt incorrectly. “Just so you know I’m gay too” I watched his face go from shock to anger, expecting him to throw the key card to our room at me in disgust, but then he just laughed and hugged me.

 

“I don’t care that you’re gay or if he’s gay” He said as he stepped back and looked at me. “Just wait” He turned me to face the guy once again, hands on my hips and I couldn’t help but laugh as he began to sing and dance at the top of his lungs. It wasn’t that he couldn’t sing, but it just came off as odd and outlandish as he danced all over the place. “I’m sorry but there is just no way that I can room with a guy that just burst into song and dance like that out of the blue” He laughed, hand still on my arm. “Oh and just so you know Princess…I pegged you as gay the moment I sat down next to you” I didn’t know what to say to that as I allowed myself to be pulled out of the convention room, smiling as I listened to Matt drone on and on about himself as we rode the elevator towards our room.

 

That first week was brutal as we were paired up into groups, having to come up with a name for it and a song choice that was going to knock the judge’s socks off. Matt ended up being in my group and that put my mind at ease as we got to know the two other members that rounded out our group known as White Chocolate. It was fun coming up with a song to sing and the dance moves to go along with it and despite the fact that I couldn’t dance for shit we all passed onto the next round. Everyone was on pins and needles during the next round of eliminations because we had already been told that a large number of people were going to be sent home as they widdeled us down to the top twenty four. I can’t even begin to tell you how nerve wracking it was as we were called into the auditorium where we were going to learn our fate. My hands were shaking and my palms were a sweaty mess as I sat before the judges, each of them looking at me but not a one of them clueing me into if I was staying or not. “Do you think you can be the next American Idol?” One of the male judges asked, all of them staring at me as I swallowed nervously before them. I knew my very first interview had turned most of them off with my truthfulness and despite the fact that I didn’t actually think I could be the next American Idol, I knew what they expected for me to say and I knew exactly how to say it.

 

“You are definitely looking at your next American Idol” I smiled over at all of them, determined not to let them see just how close to peeing in my pants I actually was. They all laughed, putting me somewhat at ease when they announced that I had made it and would be moving forward. “Thank you” I cried out as I began to jump up and down, almost on the verge of tears as I exited the room, coming face to face with Ryan Seacrest and Matt. Matt had been one of the first ones to step before the judges and thankfully he had made it through. “I made it” I cried out, laughing so hard when I was tackled to the ground by an over exuberant Matt.

 

“We are going to kick ass and take names” Matt exclaimed loudly when Ryan helped us up off of the floor. “Look out American Idol Matt Giraud and Kris Allen are on the move, picking off these losers one by one until we reach the top and one of us is crowned the king of all music” I couldn’t help but laugh at Matt’s crassness, ignoring the dirty looks we were receiving from some of the others still waiting for their turn.

 

“King of all music huh?” I sniggered once we left Ryan and made our way back towards out hotel room.

 

“What? Too much you think?” He shrugged actually looking a bit sheepish, but it didn’t last for long. “You know what I don’t care what they think” He rattled off. “You are an amazing talent Kris and so am I and none of these suckers have a snowballs chance in hell of making it to the top and that goes for you too sucker” He pointed at my former roommate with a loud laugh, a guy known as Danny Gokey, as we walked into the elevator he happened to be standing in. I don’t think that he knew what Matt was talking about, but I don’t think that he cared either as I stepped in beside him, unable to not notice the way that he moved away from me as if I was infected with some horrible contagious disease. “Fucking homophobe” Matt hollered down the hallway as we walked towards our room, Danny still glaring at us as he walked into his room next door.

 

“You don’t know that” I defended the jerk even though we both knew that he was by his little show in the elevator.

 

“Really?” Matt asked and the sarcasm was so thick with just that one word that I could almost taste it.

 

“Ok…so he’s a homophobe” I relented. “It doesn’t matter. This is about music and doing what I’ve wanted to do since I was a kid. One fucking jerk isn’t going to detour me from that. So…please Matt I am begging you to just let it go. Don’t make this into anything more then being about the music”

 

“It just pisses me off is all” Matt murmured against my neck as he pulled me into a hug and as much as I wanted to admit that it pissed me off as well, instead I just kept my mouth shut and hugged him back. A few days later we were informed that we would be moving into what they called the Idol mansion and I wasn’t sure who was more excited Matt or I as we packed our things and waited for our handler to come and get us. It was a huge and beautiful place that made me kind of nervous to be in at first because I was so afraid that I was going to break or ruin something. Matt didn’t care and took to mansion living like a fish to water and by the end of the first night I began to relax as well. We had decided earlier on that we would continue to be roommate and once again I was so thankful that fate had for some reason brought a guy like Matt into my life. He was exactly what I needed at that time and I hoped that I was there for him as much as he was there for me.


	16. Chapter 16

By the end of the first week everyone pretty much knew about my sexuality, thanks to Matt letting it slip one night as we all hung out around the pool in the backyard. It wasn’t that I was trying to hide it, but I didn’t know those people and after the distasteful looks and acting like I had the plague each time he saw me from Danny, I had decided to hold off telling anyone else for as long as possible. The ones that did know seemed to accept me for who I was, most telling me that they didn’t care either way, some completely uncomfortable with it, but making the effort to know the real me anyway and then there was Danny who just flat out refused to even talk about it. In fact he pretty much went out of his way to avoid me at all costs. I didn’t mind at first because he was a douche bag and didn’t deserve the time it would take to explain that I was still a human being, just one that slept with men. However, that all changed one night as Matt and I sat in the lounge area watching a movie, passing a carton of ice cream between us using the same spoon. “How can you eat off the same silverware as he does?” He cried out with a look of disgust so readable on his face.

 

“Why the fuck wouldn’t I?” Matt cried out, jerking himself off of the couch, the tub of ice cream almost hitting the floor if not for me grabbing it and Matt at the same time.

 

“He’s gay. Aren’t you afraid that he had Aids or something?” The tub eventually did hit the floor as I lost control of my hands and body, too in shock to even remember how to breathe.

Are you fucking insane” I heard Matt scream, trying like hell to get my wits about me, everything muddy and unfocused as I tried to understand why he would think that because I was gay that I automatically had that disease. As my head began to clear I began to notice that we were not alone anymore as several of the Idols came out to see what the commotion was all about. Once everything had come into view I found that Matt had pinned Danny to a chair and was trying to force feed him some of the ice cream with the same spoon we had been sharing. I wanted to let him continue to torture and humiliate the scumbag, but I knew it wasn’t right as I grabbed onto Matt’s arm and jerked him away from him.

 

 

“Stop” I said, trying like hell not to cry because no matter how much I knew people like Danny existed, it still hurt to hear such hateful words. “You don’t like me because I’m gay…fine” I began; still holding onto Matt as I finally found my focus and turned it fully onto Danny. “You don’t have to like me, but I live here and I don’t have fucking Aids” I went on, my lip quivering as the tears finally began to form in my eyes. “Not all gay men have Aids or HIV for that matter” I decided to school him as my mind thought back on Paul and how he had lived with his disease for so many years. “I’ve been with two men in my entire adult life and was in a monogamous relationship with each of them at different times” I added because I knew people like Danny thought that all gay men just fucked any gay ass that was presented to them. “Gay men fall in love and have relationships just like any heterosexual couple. Some of us want to get married and have families and…you know what…fuck you Danny because you are just not worth my time and effort” I just cut myself off because at the way he was looking at me I could tell that he wasn’t hearing anything that I said. I didn’t even try to hide the tears as I walked away from Matt, ignoring everyone as I climbed the staircase and headed towards my bedroom.

 

“He’s s fucking douche bag” Matt cried out as he paced madly before my bed. “It just shocks me that we still have to deal with people like that in this day and age” He continued his rant and I had to smile because despite the fact that I knew Matt was as straight as they came, he still got it.

 

“Thanks Matt” I said softly, tears once again threatening my eyes but that time in a completely different way.

 

“I didn’t do anything” He shrugged.

 

“Yeah…you really did” I replied, climbing off of the bed and pulling him into a hug.

 

Danny pretty much still continued to ignore me after that, but he seemed less hateful about it. I didn’t care because I had Matt, who had turned out to be one hell of an amazing friend and I found myself praying nightly for such a tremendous gift.

 

Other then Danny and his antics, I found myself enjoying every aspect of the American Idol experience. It was fun to take a song and switch it up and make it into something of my own. Sometimes the judges got it and sometimes they didn’t, but with each negative remark it only made my determination grow more and more. I had developed a small fan base already who cheered for me weekly as they held up banners and poster telling me how much they loved me and the music that I played. It was an amazing experience and brought a smile to my face each time that I saw one. I didn’t know what it was that those people thought was special about me, but I was grateful that they saw something in me just the same. The weeks flew by so quickly and before I knew it we were down to the final three. It was amazing to me that Matt’s predictions might possibly have come true as he, myself and Danny stood before Ryan, the judges and the audience as we waited to see who would be the final two contestants on the show that season. I was once again a nervous wreck as Danny stood on one side of Ryan, Matt and I on the other, the wait seeming to go one forever. “So Kris…” I heard Ryan say to me, causing me to groan internally because I knew the tortured wait was going to go on a bit longer. “You and Matt seem to have formed this great friendship. It’s been rumored that you’ve both been pegged with the nicknames Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dee because it seems that whenever you two are together some sort of trouble always follows” I couldn’t help but laugh because it was kind of true, even though the real story was that Matt was always looking for trouble and I always willingly followed him.

 

“Yeah…Allison pegged us with that name” I laughed, patting Matt on the back good naturedly. “Matt’s a great guy and a lot of fun to hang out with. It’s just to easy to get into trouble with him you know” We laughed again, Matt hugging me so hard that it took my breath away and yet I kept on smiling because I really meant what I said about him being a great guy.

 

“So Matt…” Ryan turned his sights towards the man standing next to me. “You and Kris have this great friendship. What happens if one of you gets sent home tonight?” I felt my stomach drop as I heard those words because I had just come to accept that it was going to be the two of us until the very end. Between us it didn’t matter who won just as long as we got to share the experience together and I was in no way prepared to share that experience with Danny Gokey.

 

“It’s not about the winning with Kris and I” He began, smiling at me as he placed his arm around my shoulder. “We totally support each other and if I’m the one that gets sent home tonight then so be it, it won’t change the dynamics of our friendship or the fact that I’ll still be in his corner” I wanted to kiss Matt right there on that very stage, strictly in a platonic kind of way because I’d never had a friend like him in my life and he and that friendship meant everything to me.

 

“What about you Kris?” He turned his attention back towards me and I had to admit that I was getting a certain satisfaction that he seemed to be ignoring Gokey altogether. “Will you still continue to support Matt if you are the one that gets sent home?”

 

“Hmmm” I said as I placed my finger to my lips as if I had to think about it, laughing out loud at the quirked eyebrow I received from Matt. “Matt’s my best friend, I’ve got his back no matter what” I replied truthfully, wrapping my arm around his waist and giving him a squeeze to let him know those words were one hundred percent true.

 

“After the nationwide vote…” My breath caught in my throat as I waited for him to announce our fate. “Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dee will remain together….Matt and Kris you are our final two” We both started jumping up and down like crazy people, hugging each other so tight that I just knew that we looked crazy and a mess, but I didn’t care. At that point I had lost track of Danny, too focused on my happiness and that fact that Matt didn’t seem to want to let me go as he continued to hug me like crazy. A hand on my shoulder caused me to pull away for a moment as I found Danny standing before me with an uncertain look on his face as I prepared myself to be lectured or worse. Instead he just reached forward and hugged me, whispering a quick apology in my ear before patting Matt on the back and exiting the stage. I was in shock as I looked over at an equally shocked Matt before both of us exploded into laughter. I spent the rest of the night with Matt’s family who had come up from Michigan to be there for the finale. It was an amazing feeling to be part of a family once again and before I knew it Matt’s mother had pretty much adopted me over dinner and insisted that I be part of their crazy family. It made me smile and brought tears to my eyes as I hugged her tightly and thanked her for her kindness.

 

“ Matt told us about your family Kris and I know that its not much but this family is here for you if you need anything” She had tears in her eyes as we waited outside the restaurant for the cab to come and take them back to the hotel they were staying in.

 

“It means everything” I replied quickly, swallowing hard at the lump in my throat.

 

“You’ve come to mean something very special to Matt” She said then, looking at me in a way that I didn’t really understand. “He’s a great kid and a funny guy, but he hardly ever lets anyone get this close to him. I’m glad that he has you in his life. Take care of him for me…promise”

 

“Of course” I smiled, hugging her quickly.

 

“Stop trying to steal my mother dude” I heard Matt exclaim behind me, pulling me away from his mother as he winked at her over my shoulder before pulling me into a hug. “Dude…so clingy” He laughed when I buried my face into the warmth of his shoulder and hung on for dear life, but I could tell that he didn’t mind it as he wrapped his arms around my neck and hugged me even harder.


	17. Chapter 17

That next week were even more crazy and intense then all the other weeks combined. All day, everyday I was being photographed, taught routine after routine, while trying to work on my songs as well. I hardly got a chance to see Matt as he was going through the same things, only seeing each other for a brief few minuets at night before we both passed out from exhaustion in the room that we still continued to share despite being the only ones still living in the mansion.

I was completely spent the night before the big finale as I practically crawled into our room, falling down on the bed next to Matt when I looked up and found him lying there. “You look like a wreck” I heard him say, curling up around me as I closed my eyes and relished the heat of his body. “Rough day babe?” He asked when I looked up at him unable to speak because I was just that tired. “I can’t believe that this is our last night in the mansion” He continued as I curled up even closer to him, my head practically lying on his chest. “It’s been such a crazy ride and yet it seems like only yesterday that we met” There was a darker tone to his voice as I looked up and found him looking down at me with tears in his eyes. “You’re friendship has come to mean the world to me Kris and even if you don’t mean it I want you to promise me that we’ll always be friends” I could almost feel the panic in his words as I pulled myself forward until we were lying face to face. Reaching out, I placed my hand on his cheek, staring into his eyes because even though I didn’t have the energy to speak I wanted him to be able to see that there wasn’t anything else in my life at that moment in time that was more important then Matt and the wondrous friendship that we shared. “I love you too” He beamed, leaning forward and kissing me on the cheek before tugging me into his arms. I was sound asleep before my head even hit his chest again, but I knew that he understood and that was all that mattered to me.

“You know you are going to win so I don’t know why you are so nervous” Matt grinned at me as I paced back and forth in the dressing room, my nerve eating me up from the inside out. I felt as if I was going to vomit as I took a deep breath and willed the sour taste in my mouth away, ever grateful for Matt that he knew what I needed without even asking as he handed me a bottle of water. “Sit the hell down before you have a heart attack or something” He laughed, but I could hear the nervousness behind it as well as the two of us fell onto the nearby couch.

“I’ve already accepted the fact that you are going to win” I broke the momentary silence surrounding us as I laid my head on his shoulder. “And I’m just going to be some person you once knew when you make it big and famous” I meant it to be a joke, but by the look on Matt’s face I could see that he took it as anything but.

“Did you think I was fucking joking when I told you that your friendship meant everything to me last night…that I loved you?” He asked, jerking himself off of the couch before turning to glare at me. “I’ve never had a friend like you Kris and I meant it when I said that I always want to be your friend, that I always want you in my life. I know that things are going to be crazy after tonight and we won’t be together all the time but that doesn’t meant that we can’t still be part of each others lives”

“I love you so much Matt” I flew off the couch, wrapping my arms around his waist as I held on for dear life. “You’ve been the best friend I’ve ever had” I murmured against his shirt. “And we are going to be friends forever” I leaned back and looked up at him, tears in both of our eyes, but they were happy tears as a silent promise of forever friendship passed between us. Our handlers had to practically pull us apart when they came to retrieve us for the start of the show, but we held on for as long as we could until we really had no choice but to separate in order to see where our American Idol journey was going to take us.

I had so much fun that night as I danced and sang with the former contestants, as well as sharing the stage with some pretty amazing superstars. It felt surreal and almost dreamlike as the night progressed, eventually finding Matt and I standing together on the stage, arms wrapped around each other as we waited for the winner to be announced. I really don’t remember much from that point on, only bits and pieces of Ryan talking to each of us, drawing out the anticipation just a little more. I had already accepted the fact that Matt was going to win and I was more then ok with that because despite it all I was still going to be able to tour with the other American Idol contestants and get my name out there, but I was also going to be able to work on and release an album and that was all I ever really wanted in the first place.

“You’re next American Idol is…Kris Allen” I heard Ryan cry out, Matt engulfing me in his arms as I tried to come to terms with what I had just heard.

“You won man” I heard Matt yell against my ear as confetti and screams of excitement echoed all around me. I was completely in shock as I felt someone grab my elbow and lead me towards the middle of the stage. I could hardly breathe as a microphone was shoved into my hands and the lights were dimmed.

“Your new American Idol…Kris Allen” I heard Ryan say again as what was to be my American Idol signature song began to play. I still don’t know how I got through the words as I continuously fought to breathe as well as trying like hell to keep the tears at bay. I knew that I had finally made it though as I found myself wrapped up in Matt’s arms once again, the rest of the contestants surrounding me with smiles and love as well.

The tour was amazing. It was crazy and insane and it felt like we never got the chance to sleep, but I loved every second of it. I became very close to my tour-mates, but it was nothing compared to the friendship that Matt and I continued to share. We were together every single moment that we could, texting each other constantly when we couldn’t. I came to love Matt as family and I still continued to pray daily that he was brought into my life. He brought out a side of me that had laid dormant since Adam had left me, a side that I didn’t ever think I would see again. It was a side that was full of fun and laughter, a side that refused to think about the bad in the world and what had happened to me prior to our friendship. I had ever started to develop a little crush on him, but I refused to acknowledge it because that friendship meant everything to me and I wasn’t willing to jeopardize it for something as silly as a crush on a straight man. I had begun to write again and I credited it fully to Matt who made me feel things that I hadn’t allowed myself to feel for such a long time.

I started working on my album in between the insanity of touring and as excited as I was about it, I was a nervous wreck as well. I still couldn’t fully comprehended that I had actually won the title of American Idol, much less deserved it and that album was either going to prove to me and the world that I did deserve it or it was going to prove that I was a failure once and for all. Matt yelled at me constantly for having such a negative attitude when it came to my music, but I think that a huge part of it wasn’t the fact that I didn’t know I could sing, but that life had proven to me over and over that with every bit of happiness I received it was quickly followed by an almost soul crushing pain.

It was hard to believe that the tour was ending as quickly as it did as the last few shows loomed before us. I was nervous about the end, but at the same time excited because I knew for the next year at least my life was going to continue to be a huge whirlwind. I was given a personal assistant who briefed me daily on the coming and goings of my life because I really had no clue. She held my life in the palm of her hands in the form of some sort of electrical device that she was constantly typing or talking on. I tried figuring out how to use it just once and after she scolded me like a five year old child and then threatened to leave me if I ever touched it again; I vowed to stay away from it like the plague. My assistants name was Valerie and she was as awesome as she was scary. From the very beginning she seemed to know more about my life then I did and as much as I found it unsettling that she knew everything about me including the type of boxer briefs that I wore, yet at the same time I was thankful for her because I knew that there was no way in hell that I could have kept up with my crazy schedule without her. She was also the one that told me about the fact that Adam had a new album coming out and although I never really saw much in terms of excitement cross her face when it came to me and my music, with that news her face was practically beaming. I wanted to laugh as she gushed on endlessly about Adam and how amazing he was, when she had no idea that she was working for his former boyfriend.


	18. Chapter 18

The same day that his new album came out just happened to coincide with our final show and I was sure that somehow it was supposed to be relevant, but I refused to even think about it as I prepared for my final show with Matt and the rest of the contestants. The mood was almost somber in the dressing rooms, all of us knowing that the end was finally here and our lives were going to be completely different once we all left that stage. I knew that Matt and I were going to continue to stay in touch, but for the rest of them I wasn’t so sure. Yes, we had bonded and became somewhat of a family, but something told me that once it was all over, it was really going to be all over. I was sad and yet at the same time excited because it was now time to focus fully on me and my music. Even before American Idol it had always been about Cassidy and Adam’s music and with the tour it was all about the music that was chosen for me. However, after the tour it was going to be just about me. The label had been generous enough to give me two songs on the album and I couldn’t wait to record them and see just how good the world thought I could be.

 

The show went off without a hitch as Matt and I sang the final song, holding each other close as the rest of the contestants crowded around us. It was an emotional and beautiful time as we thanked the audience for being there for us and thanked each other for the constant love and support. I was almost completely spent as I bid farewell to the final fans lingering afterwards for autographs, wanting nothing more then to crawl into the car waiting to take me to the hotel I was staying in that night before falling into the bed there. I was scheduled to take an early flight back home for a few weeks the next morning and although I knew I should be happy to go back to the place that I had considered my home for so long, I felt actual dread instead. “You want to sleep together once more for old time’s sake?” I heard Matt whisper in my ear, his arm slinking around my waist as I leaned heavily against his freshly showered body, refusing to think about anything else but my night with Matt and the future of my musical career.

 

“Yeah…” I smiled at him, wrapping my arm around his waist as we headed towards the car.

 

“Kris…” I heard someone say my name, forcing me to stop in my tracks because I knew without a doubt who that voice belonged to as I turned and found Cassidy standing away from me. I wanted to run to him, throw my arms around him and cry at just how much I had missed him since the last time I had seen him, but then the memories of our last conversation hit me like a two ton truck and then all I wanted to do was punch the shit out of him. I decided that ignoring him was my best option as I ignored the curious looks I was receiving from Matt and continued to walk away from him. Cassidy never said anything else and I was beginning to wonder if I had made him up in my mind as I turned to look behind me and found him gone.

 

“Who was that?” I heard Matt ask as we stood before the car, thankful that I hadn’t been loosing my mind as I closed my eyes and took a shuddering breath into my lungs.

 

“No one” I lied, hugging him close because I knew that Cassidy was still out there watching me and I didn’t care one little bit if he got the wrong idea as I leaned forward and kissed Matt firmly on the lips.

 

“What was that for?” Matt asked, his eyes full of confusion as my hands lingered on the sides of his face.

 

“I just wanted to say thank you for being such an amazing friend” I smiled at him, tears in my eyes, but they weren’t the happy tears I was presenting to Matt, but sad and angry tears at just how much I still loved and missed Cassidy from my life despite what he had done.

 

Later that night I watched as my assistant paced back and forth in the fancy hotel I had been booked at, going over my itinerary for when I came back from visiting home. I still wasn’t really looking forward to going back and I wasn’t really listening as I stared at the new copy of Adam’s CD sitting on the coffee table before me. “Are you even listening to anything that I’m saying?” I heard her yell as I jerked my eyes away from the plastic case with Adam’s face staring back at me, only to have them fall back there not a second later. “I wouldn’t have pegged you for an Adam Lambert fan” She laughed, picking it up and tossing it at me as she headed for the door. “I’ve already copied it to my cell phone so you can have it. It’s amazing….even better then the first one and that one was freaking brilliant. The car is picking you up at seven-thirty, don’t be late” She shot me a dirty look before rushing out the door, but I wasn’t really paying attention to her as I lost myself in the pair of deep blue eyes staring back at me.

 

My fingers were trembling as I opened up the case, trying several times to remove the inner liner before finally becoming successful. I closed my eyes for the longest time just holding it in my hand because I was too petrified to read what was on the inside. Eventually my curiosity got the better of me as I carefully opened the liner, my heart stopping in my chest at finding the first line of dedications made to me yet again. ***As always I dedicate this album to the man who had owned my soul from the first moment I gazed into his beautiful brown eyes. My love for you hasn’t diminished in the slightest as I wait for the day that we will be in each others lives once again. I still love you with my entire heart and soul Kristopher and I can only hope that you can one day forgive me for what I had done to you and allow us to be together as we always should be*** I was determined not to cry as I shoved the offending piece of paper away from me, but as expected I completely broke apart as I once again cried over the love and the loss that waged constantly within my heart when it came to Adam Lambert.

 

I felt lost and alone and I seemed to be hovering between some sort of strange dream state and some sort of reality. It didn’t feel real and yet it was real enough that I knew I was somehow on the verge of maybe losing my mind completely. It felt nice because I didn’t seem to feel any pain there, didn’t seem to need to think about how fucked up my life had been and the struggles that constantly seemed to plague me. I had decided that I was content there, not happy, not sad, but content enough not to care as I closed my eyes and continued to float in the nothingness. “Kris…Kris man what the fuck” I heard someone calling out to me, but I ignored them because I didn’t want to know who it was, didn’t want to acknowledge what sounded like fear in their voice as I tried to will myself deeper. “Wake up you son of a bitch…WAKE THE FUCK UP” The voice got louder, my surrounding beginning to shake and shiver behind me as I took a huge shuddering breath and proceeded to freak out at the loudness and the brightness of the world around me. “Kris it’s me…its Matt” I heard Matt cry out as I jerked away from his grasp, falling to the floor, my eyes darting around me as I tried to come to terms with what was going on with me. “Jesus Christ Kris you’re scaring me” He continued to speak, moving over towards me slowly as I pulled my knees into my chest and cried. I cried so hard that I could hardly keep my breath and before I knew what was happening I was surrounded by darkness once again.

 

“Adam…” I whispered brokenly, my throat tight and sore from so much crying and pain as images of the man I knew I would always love no matter how much I tried to deny it stood out so real before me. “Adam please don’t leave me” I continued to speak not more then a whisper, nothing making sense to me anymore as I watched him turn to face me, just looking at me with contempt and disgust in his eyes before turning back for the door. “Adam…don’t go…I love you” I cried out towards his retreating figure, but he didn’t stop and before I knew it he had vanished out the door.

 

“Kris please…you’re scaring the fuck out of me” I heard a different voice speak then the one I was hoping for, but it was one that still brought comfort as I opened my eyes and found Matt sitting on the bed beside me, tears pouring down his face as he watched over me.

 

“Where am I?” I croaked, eye darting all around the room as I tried to figure out where the hell I was.

 

“You’re in a hotel room with me” I heard Matt speak, his voice waiving in and out and I wasn’t sure if it was because of his tears or the fact that I was contemplating going back into my dream place. I groaned painfully as I felt Matt wrap his arms around my neck and force me into a sitting position, crushing me to his chest as he murmured words that I couldn’t make out even if I had wanted to as I recalled the dedication Adam had made to me once again.

 

“I can’t escape him no matter how much I try” I said, my voice sounding nothing like my own.

“I don’t know what that means. Can’t escape who?” Matt asked, looking down at me but not loosening his grip by any means.

 

“Adam” I sobbed, burrowing deeper into Matt’s chest, holding on as tight as I could to the arms still holding onto me. I cried and I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore and was just too exhausted to do much else but slump against Matt’s warm and comforting body. I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up I could see the sun starting to rise through the hotel window. “Matt” I called out his name, my throat still achy and sore as I sat up and found my best friend sitting on the end of the bed with the liner from Adam’s CD in his hand.

 

“You’re this Kris…the one he keeps dedicating his albums to?” He asked, looking so completely exhausted but awake enough to be pissed off that I had kept such a huge secret from him.

 

“Yes…” I croaked, tears clouding my eyes yet again but that time not only because of Adam but because I could see the conflicted emotions playing across Matt’s face as he continued to stare at me.

 

“You never told me” His eyes screamed out betrayal as he got up off of the bed and went to stand by the window.

 

“I know and I should have, but how do you bring up in conversation the fact that the biggest rock star in the world right now is your ex-boyfriend. It’s over and it doesn’t matter anymore” I lied because I knew that it would never be over, but I was hopeful that I could at least fool Matt into thinking that it was true as well as myself.

 

“It doesn’t look like it’s over for him” Matt looked down at the liner he still held in his hand. “You still should have told me Kris” I was starting to get angry because I didn’t understand why it was that he was so upset about the fact that I had at one time been with Adam and I was just about to speak up when he spoke first. “If you had told me you wouldn’t have had to go through this all alone because its obvious that he hurt you very much” I burst out into tears once again, Matt wrapping me in his arms as I cried over just how much I didn’t deserve the friendship that he lavished so abundantly upon me. I knew he deserved to hear the truth and with several sturdy breaths I did just that. “Whoa…” Was all he said after I told him everything, still holding me tightly within his arms.

 

“Yeah…” I replied so fucking exhausted that I just wanted to curl back up and fall back to sleep until the pain from Adam subsided, although I knew that it never would.

 

“So the guy at the venue last night that was Cassidy” He asked, looking completely overwhelmed after I had told him all about my crazy life and the part Cassidy played in it. “What do you think he wanted?” He questioned when I nodded, unable to speak, as fresh guilt and anger over Cassidy rolled over me. “I have to say that it’s pretty fucked up that he stole your boyfriend away from you and then has the nerve to show up several years later to what…taunt you. He’s lucky that I didn’t know who he was or what he had done or I would have kicked his fucking ass” I could hear the anger in Matt’s voice and despite everything it caused me to smile as I wondered for the millionth and one time since I had met him what I had done to deserve a friend like him.

 

“I love you Matt” I smiled sadly up at him, kissing him on the lips as if to prove my point. “You have no idea how much your friendship means to me”

 

“About the same that yours means to me” He grinned that crooked grin at me as he let go of me, grabbed onto the sides of my face and planted a wet smacker on my lips that time. “You started it” He laughed when I stumbled back at little when he finally let go of me, looking up at him with a playful grin on my own face.

 

“Good your both up” I heard my assistant speak, both Matt and I jumping at the sound of her voice because neither of us had heard her come in. “I’ve ordered your breakfast and it should be here soon and Matt I cancelled your plane ticket like you asked. They wouldn’t credit the difference back to your card but…”

 

“Cancelled your plane ticket?” I shot out, my heart beating a little faster in my chest as he grinned at me even wider.

 

“You need me and…”

 

“Matt…no” I cried out, jumping off of the bed, blushing like mad at the realization that I was only in my underwear as I shot him a dirty look because I knew he was the one who had removed my clothes after I passed out before, looking back at my assistant with an embarrassed one.

 

“We’re going to be working together for a long time Kristopher so get over the embarrassment now because I’ve got no interest in you in any way other then a professional level” I was still blushing despite her words as I looked around for my clothes, finding them folded and placed on a chair near the bath room. “As I was saying. They wouldn’t refund your ticket but I was able to get you a flight voucher that you can use anytime”

 

“Why did you cancel your flight?” I asked, standing in front of Matt with my hands on my waist ready to give him a full curse out because I already knew what he had in mind, but as he reached out and pulled me into his arms I lost the will to fight as I practically curled into his body. “You shouldn’t have done that” I spoke words that were muffled against his shirt. “You’re mom is going to kill you for not coming home”

 

“My mom would kill me if I did come home after everything I found out this morning” He replied, stepping back to look me dead in the eyes. “You need me and that is all there is to it” He winked with a smile before walking over towards the breakfast that had been delivered.

 

“Is there something that you need to tell me?” Valerie asked looking between the two of us. “I mean I know there is talk that the two of you are more then just good friends…but are the two of you more then just good friends?” Her eyes kept going back and forth between the two of us still waiting for a response.

 

“Kris and I are just good friends, best friends” He finally gave her a reprieve. “There’s more of a chance of being more then just good friends between you and I then with Kris” He laughed shooting her a wink and for some reason those words stung just a little bit more then I felt they should.

TBC...


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

I have to admit it was awesome having Matt go back home with me. We had so much fun and got to hang out every night. I didn’t know why but a few days before we were scheduled to head back to Los Angeles he insisted on a tour of the apartment I used to live in with Adam and well as the hospital he stayed in when he was sick and even Cassidy’s old loft. It didn’t make any sense to me, but I had to admit that I was happy that he insisted on the hospital because despite the bad memories it held for me it was so nice to see a familiar face when we entered the lobby. She didn’t see me at first as I walked up to her, waiting until she was done talking to a patient before clearing my throat and getting her attention. “Hi…you may not remember me but…”

“Mr. Allen” She smiled at me with recognition in her eyes. “It’s so nice to see you again”

“It’s nice to see you again too Mrs. Jackson” I smiled, reaching forward and hugging her because seeing her again was bringing back so many painful memories and I just felt the urge. She didn’t seem to mind as she hugged me back, both of us stepping away from each other at the clearing of a throat behind us. “Mrs. Jackson this is my friend Matt” I introduced the two of them, watching as they shook hands.

“So what do we owe the honor of this visit and where is Adam?” She questioned as she looked around the lobby in search of the man she seemed to think I was still with.

“Um…Adam isn’t with me” I replied quickly, running my hand through my hair in frustration. “We uh…”

“Adam dumped him pretty much right after he got out of the hospital” Matt spoke up, making me want to murder him right there where he stood beside me.

“Oh Kris…I’m so sorry” She said and I could tell that she meant it as she took my hand and led me towards the same table I had sat at so many years before hand while filling out paperwork to admit my former lover. I didn’t say anything for a minute as I tried to deal with all the old haunts from my past, ignoring Matt completely when he sat down beside me and tried to place his arm around my shoulder.

“It’s ok” I shrugged Matt’s arm off, turning away from him altogether because I was pissed and a bit shocked at his outburst. “Adam decided that it was time to move on and it was probably the best decision he made because look at him now” I shared a smile with her and I knew it looked as fake as it felt at the look of sadness on her face. “It didn’t end pretty” I decided to be truthful as I gave the hand still holding mine a squeeze. “But my life has taken a turn for the better and I’ve decided to put everything in the past and move forward” I looked at Matt over my shoulder, my anger gone because I knew exactly why he had insisted on our little trip. “Thank you” I mouthed the words because he knew it was what I needed to do to move past the pain of my former life and move onwards towards my future. We spent some more time with Mrs. Jackson, her admitting with a blush that he had watched the two of us on American Idol and that she had voted every week for me. She never asked, but I knew she was curious about my relationship with Matt as she looked between us constantly as we talked. I was teary eyed when we left, hugging her tightly again and thanking her for everything she did for me so many years before that. She had tears in her eyes as well, wishing me the best of luck in my career before hugging Matt quickly and then taking her leave.

“You ok?” I heard Matt ask as we drove back to my tiny apartment.

“How did you know?” I asked instead of answering him, glancing at him quickly before turning my attention back towards the road.

“I just knew and now you can forget about Adam fuckerhead and Cassidy dickweed and move forward and be the rock star I know you can be” He replied with a chuckle and a grin, patting me on the thigh before turning his attention towards the passengers side window.

My life after that was even more maddening and insane as I finished up my album, did countless interviews and sang my heart out for the world to see. In between the insanity I released a single and it did even better then I thought it would as it shot right up to number one on most of the music charts. I couldn’t believe how different my life had become and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t love ever single second of it. I was doing what I loved to do and I was getting paid to do it. I wasn’t the struggling man from before who didn’t know from one month to next if he was going to have enough money to pay his rent. I didn’t have to forgo eating for a few days to ensure that the rent was met and even though I hadn’t truly had to be concerned about that since Jack had taken me in and given me my own apartment at the club, the fear had just ever went away.

My album was released soon after that and I was a nervous mess as we waited for the sales numbers to come in on release day. I was excited that the single had done well, but it was the album that I was more concerned about. I had poured my heart and soul into those songs, sometimes worrying that maybe I had put too much of myself into it and that the people would think that it was just a bunch of crap songs that were heavy and loaded with too much sappy meaning. The two songs I had written and put on the album were very personal and extremely emotional, but I felt that it was something that I had to do. It was as if I was releasing the demons that still seemed to haunt me about my past with Cassidy and Adam. The first one “Betrayal” was written about my relationship with Cassidy. It spoke of love found and then lost because fate had brought another person into the equation and that no matter how hard they tried to fight it, their story had to end. It was a personal and painful song, but because of it I had been able to come to terms with the betrayal of my love for Cassidy. “Abandoned” was the other song on the album I had written and it was all about Adam and the sense of lose he left within me when he abandoned me and the life we had made in California. I almost didn’t agree to put that one on the album because it was so personal and I knew that despite the fact that it was helpful to move on and away from the love I still held for Adam, I also knew that I would never be able to sing it live because it was too personal and held way to may memories for me to share over and over again.

The album did extremely well, surprisingly surpassing all former American Idol sales within the first week. I was excited beyond belief that people were actually enjoying my music much less willing to spend their hard earned money on it. The reviews by the critics were mostly supportive, a few here and there making not so nice comments about the two songs credited with my name, but I didn’t let them bother me much. They claimed that they seemed to be dark and painful compared to the rest of the album which held a few catchy poppy type songs and a few that we hoped would be crossover songs into the country genre. I began a small tour after that, finally getting a chance to meet some of my fans and as it was amazing. I was shocked at first at the diversity of them, learning rather quickly that I had a huge gay following even though I hadn’t come out about my sexuality yet. It made me happy and proud as I began to debate about coming out publicly. I had never hid my sexuality in the past, choosing to keep it to myself during Idol out of fear, and because of that fear there was a part of me that I knew would always regret that, but at the time I felt that it was something that I had to do as I moved forward in the ranks. But with the release of the album I didn’t want to avoid the questions about my sexual preference anymore and before I knew it there was a bitter battle with my management over my coming out to the public.

Turns out that the battle was a waste of time because a week after my album had been released Richard, my former lover and manager of the club I still owned released his own statement about my sexuality and the supposed relationship that we shared. My management quickly came up with all sorts of ways for me to deny his statements as we watched him talk about it on some crappy gossip show, but that all fell through when he had pictures to back it up. I had to admit I was more then a little pissed at Richard for doing what he did, but at the same time I was relieved in a sense because as much as my management team wanted me to deny the truth, those pictures were a vibrant and colorful truth.

“There almost pornographic” I heard Matt laugh in the phone later that night after the pictures had been released.

“They are not” I laughed back, looking at the pictures on some blog because honestly before Richard had fed them out into the public I hadn’t even known they existed. “Honestly…I don’t even remember taking these” I said, scrolling through them as I tried to recall when they had been taken.

“You look pretty drunk in most of them” Matt teased some more and I couldn’t help but laugh because he was right.

“Well there is no doubt they were taken in the club” I replied, looking at the few towards the bottom where Richard and I were in a booth together, his legs straddled by mine as I shoved my tongue down his throat.

“Do you think that he took them on purpose and planned to use them once you became famous?” He asked what I had already been thinking.

“I don’t know…maybe” I shrugged, closing off the page as I got up from my computer and walked into the kitchen of the apartment I was renting in L.A. “He claims we were in a relationship, but the truth of the matter was that it was just about sex and not being alone all the time” I spoke truthfully because I knew I could tell Matt those things and he wouldn’t judge me.

“I really hope that one day you find love Kris because you totally deserve it” Matt said, causing my heart to squeeze because I could tell that he meant it and my secret crush grew a little more.

“I love you ” I teased, although it hurt just a little bit to say it because I knew that he could never love me as anything more then a friend.

“I love you too Krissy” He teased back, his tone just as playful as I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath because I knew he had no idea that I felt anything more then friendship for him. “I’ve got to go. I’ve got an early meeting tomorrow. I’ll talk to you later” He didn’t wait for me to say anything as he disconnected the call and I thought that it was a bit odd from the way we usually ended our phone calls but I just chalked it up to acting like a teenaged girl and pushed the thoughts away.

TBC...


	20. Chapter 20

My biggest fear of all after winning Idol, touring and making a record was the inevitable fact that sooner or later I was going to run into Adam somewhere along the way. I hoped and I prayed constantly that it would never happen, but sometimes not matter how much hoping and praying you do it happens just the same. It had nearly been a year since my album had been released and I’d been so busy with the touring, engagements and enjoying my life that I had been lucky enough to avoid running into him. I had sort of let my guard down, thinking that there were enough famous people in Los Angeles and that he was busy enough with his own life that my lucky streak would continue and then one night all my stupidity and letting of my guard down just blew up in my face. It was a party being thrown by my label as it introduced its newest up and coming artist and as much as I didn’t want to go, Matt for some reason was dying to and somehow convinced me to go with him. It was a lavish and star studded affair as some of the biggest names in the business mingled around us. I was completely is awe as some of my favorite musicians of all time introduced themselves to me, complementing my album before slipping business cards and phone numbers into my hand with promises of collaborating together soon. I hoped that I didn’t make myself look like too much of a dork as I did a happy dance with Matt each time one would walk away from me. “Is this really fucking happening?” I asked as I held out one particular business card, still unable to believe who it belonged too.

“It’s true baby boy and we need a drink to celebrate and lots of them” Matt grinned at me, hugging me quickly before heading towards the bar.

“Kris…” I heard someone call my name as I looked up and found one of the producers of my album walking over towards me. “Hey man…good to see you again” He smiled, shaking my hand before delving into ideas he had for my next album. I couldn’t help but feel happy at the idea of working on my second album because I had enjoyed every aspect of working on the first one. “I want you to meet someone” I heard him say as he excused himself after catching the eye of someone from across the room. I didn’t bother to see who it was as I took the bottle of beer Matt held out before me, laughing at the reason why it took so long for him to get back. “Hey Matt…” I heard the man call out to Matt, my heart turning frozen in my chest as I looked up and found a pair of familiar blue eyes gaping at me.

“Kris…” I heard an equally familiar voice say my name as I tried to remember how to breathe.

“Adam…” I chocked out, feeling almost faint as I continued to struggle to pull air into my lungs.

“Wait…do you two know each other?” I heard Patrick the producer ask as he looked between the two of us.

“No…” I rushed out, reaching out for Matt because I felt as if I was losing touch with reality very quickly.

“Yes…” Adam replied at the same time, a look of hurt shining in those blue eyes I used to love to get lost in when I was young and stupid and thought he and I would be together forever.

“Get me out of here” I whispered heavily to Matt, closing my eyes for a moment as I continued to try and remember to breathe, nearly fainting when I opened them a second later and found Cassidy’s face before me as well. “Get me out of here” I said again, louder and more overwhelmed then I had ever felt in my lifetime. Matt didn’t say anything as he looked between the two men from my past, the look on his face almost murderous.

“Holy shit, is this the same Kris that you keep dedicating your albums to?” I heard Patrick ask, but I didn’t wait for an answer as I blindly followed Matt as he placed an arm protectively around my waist and led me quickly out of the building. I was almost in a full panic, not knowing what was going on around me as I continued to force myself to pull breath into my lungs. I felt as if I was drunk despite the fact that I’d only had a few beers since we had gotten there, felt as if my head was being pushed under water, ever so thankful for the comforting warmth of Matt’s body as we stood outside and waited for our car to be driven around.

“Kris…” I heard someone call my name and I didn’t have to turn around to know who it was. I didn’t know what to do or what to say, but it tuned out that I didn’t need to do anything as Matt wrapped his arm even tighter around my waist, pulled me into his body and kissed me. I was stunned for a moment before I closed my eyes and just let everything go and allowed myself to fall into that kiss. I had often wondered what kissing Matt would feel like, but it was even better, softer, actually pretty amazing as I forgot for a moment that I had just run into the two people in the world that I had been pretty much avoiding like the plague.

“You ok baby?” Matt asked me once he pulled away, unable to do anything but nod in response because I think I was just too much in shock from the entire evening to do anything more. “Let’s go home” He smiled down at me with what looked like a sparkle in his eyes before they narrowed as he looked past me.

“So the rumors are true?” I heard Adam say as I looked over my shoulder and found him and Cassidy standing there, both of their faces covered with stunned hurt. I didn’t have to ask what rumors he was referring to because ever since Idol there had been all sorts of rumors about Matt and myself. Matt and I played it up from time to time, but we never got too far out of control that anyone could figure out the truth either way.

“Don’t you know that there is at least some truth to every rumor, now back the fuck off and leave Kris alone” Matt went from sweet to snarling in a matter of seconds, his arm still around my waist because truth be told I couldn’t speak much less find the ability to stand on my own as I continued to look at Adam. He looked amazing and beautiful with his jet black hair and his sparkling jewel incrusted eyes. He was the same man that I had fallen in love with so many years before and yet completely different in ways that I knew I would never know. He was leaner, his body more defined as I continued to look at him, closing my eyes for a moment because it almost hurt to look at just how beautiful he was, not that he hadn’t been beautiful in my eyes before.

“Kris please…I need to talk to you so I can explain” I could hear the hurt in his voice and I wanted to give in, I really did, but I held strong because I wasn’t going to give him the chance to hurt me as he had before.

“Explain what?” I heard Matt snarl even louder then before. “Explain how you ran off with this one into the night and left Kris all alone. Explain how you broke his heart and didn’t care enough that…”

“What the fuck do you know about anything?” Cassidy shot back, stepping forward with a look of pure anger and hatred across his face. I had never seen anything like that when he and I had been together and for some reason it snapped me out of my daze as I took a deep breath, grabbed onto Matt’s hand for support and took a step towards them.

“I have nothing to say to either one of you. I know I wasn’t perfect and I made mistakes when I was with each of you, but I never deserved the hurt and the pain that you both caused me. Cassidy I broke your heart and you felt you needed to retaliate because I hurt you, but you fucking devastated me when you took him away from me” Cassidy was near tears as he found fascination with the ground. “And you…” I looked over at Adam who had tears streaming down his own face as he looked over at me. “You just left me. You didn’t even have the balls to tell me to my face that you couldn’t love me anymore, but I knew Adam, I knew you were leaving long before you ever did” I was crying myself because the pain of the past kept drawing me under like waves of the ocean and I felt as if I was drowning.

“Kris…I never stopped loving you. I’m still in love with you” Adam cried out, reaching forward to touch me, but I stepped out of his way because I knew that if he did that there would be no going back and as far as I was concerned in that very moment in time I wasn’t ever going to allow that to happen.

“But I don’t love you anymore Adam” I lied, a lie so huge and painful that it lodged its way into my throat and I began to feel my reality start slipping away once again. Thankfully Matt could see my struggle as he spun me around, wrapped his arm around my waist once again and practically dragged me towards our waiting car. I didn’t say anything for the longest time as I lie against Matt’s side, the limo seeming huge and overly quiet as it took me farther and farther away from the two men that still a part of me loved and would always love.

My mind was a total and complete mess as I continued to lean against Matt, my support, my strength and then I recalled the kiss he had given me and as hurt and confused as I was, I found myself wanting more. He just watched me as I pulled away from him, straightening my body, before leaning forward and covering his lips with mine. He didn’t move or reciprocate, but I didn’t give up as I shifted sideways enough that I was almost sitting in his lap, my lips moving against his unmoving ones in desperate hope of getting a response. “Dude…I’m not gay” I heard him say as he pushed me back into the seat beside him. At first I couldn’t do anything but stare straight ahead, but then a huge bout of laughter rolled over me until I was laughing so hard I could hardly breathe and then just as quickly that laughter turned into sobs of rejection and pain. I cried what seemed an endless amount of tears, thankful that Matt wasn’t angry for what I had done as he pulled me into his arms and held me close. I still don’t know how he did it, but he somehow managed to shift me fully into his lap as his equally tearful face loomed in front of me. “I hate it when your sad baby” His voice broke as he reached out and wiped the tears from my cheeks with soft and careful fingers. “And who am I kidding when I tell you that I’m not gay because lets face it since I’ve met you I’ve been questioning my sexuality over and over again. I didn’t know what he meant by those words and I didn’t get a chance to ponder it any more as he leaned up and kissed me softly.

The next thing I knew I was lying on my back in the back of that limo, Matt on top of me, kissing me in a way that I could have only imagined in my mind. It was an amazing and beautiful kiss but also confusing as hell because all along I thought that Matt was as straight as they came. He had never once crossed any lines with me, no matter how much I wished he had from time to time since becoming friends. I didn’t know what to think, my mind too confused and fucked up after Adam and Cassidy to do anything but kiss him back. I knew I should have pushed him away, knew that it was probably going to ruin our friendship, but it didn’t stop me from kissing him even harder, my hands finding their way under his suit jacket as I ran them up his back. “Fuck…” He moaned when I wrapped my leg around his legs, forcing our twin erections to come into contact with each other through the material of our pants. “We shouldn’t be doing this” I heard him rush out when I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist and began to pretty much hump his thigh. “Kris…we can’t do this” He spoke a bit louder, pushing me away as he scrambled across to the other side of the seat. “I mean I can’t say that I haven’t thought about it, but we can’t do this Kris. You’re friendship means everything to me and I can’t lose it just because you’re hurt and you want to forget”

“I…I didn’t know” I stammered, still in shock that Matt had been thinking about me in ways more then friendship.

“Yeah…well that’s because you’re a little bit clueless sometimes” He was smiling as he attempted a joke, but I could tell that he was just as confused and hurt as I was.

“I didn’t mean to use you. I wasn’t trying to” I sniffled, ringing my hands together as we just stared at each other. “It isn’t like I haven’t thought about what it would be like with you either” I decided to be truthful because Matt was my best friend and I didn’t want to lie to him.

“You have?” Matt asked and he looked honestly shocked.

“Well yeah…” I replied quickly, not understanding that look because Matt was an amazing guy and he had never shown me anything but determined confidence when it came to himself and his demeanor. “Seems you’re clueless a little bit yourself” I grinned over at him, thankful once again that I had Matt in my life because he always seemed to know what I needed. “You’re sorta kinda hot” I giggled at the raised eye brow I got in response, laughing out loud as he shot across the limo, pinning me to my back once again.

“Only sorta kinda?” He grinned down at me.

“Well we can’t all be as hot as me but…” I didn’t get a chance to finish my sentence before he was kissing me again and that time there wasn’t any hesitation as I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back.

“Do you want to come in?” I asked after the limo driver had announced that we were at my place. I really wasn’t sure what I wanted Matt to say because even though I was so horny and wanted nothing more then to have him make love to me, a part of me was petrified of what it would mean to our friendship. I could tell that he was conflicted as well as he slid off of my body, helping me sit up as we both just sat there in the uncomfortable silence.

“I really do and then at the same time I’m afraid that it could ruin what we already have” I could see the confliction in his face and for some reason it made me want him even more. I kissed him that time because I wanted Matt so badly right then that I didn’t even care if it fucked up our friendship or not. “Kris…we can’t because you’re still trying to get over Adam and Cassidy and I can’t be that replacement guy. I care for you…a lot” He admitted as I pulled back and saw just how much he cared for me and it was more then the love of friendship.

“I know that this seems to be happening all because of what happened tonight, but you have to believe me when I tell you that I’ve thought about this, thought about you like this before tonight” I decided to be truthful, but a part of me still felt as if I was deceiving Matt. He still looked conflicted but I could see my words touched him as he leaned forward and kissed me softly before opening the door and stepping out. I took his hand when he held it out towards me, both of us walking towards my apartment.

Neither of us spoke a word as we entered my apartment, the two of us walking towards my bedroom before he finally broke the silence. “I can’t do this Kris” He said and although a huge part of me was sad, an even bigger part was so relived. “Don’t get me wrong because Jesus you have no idea how much I want to take you into that room and make love to you, but the timing is all off and I’m afraid that if we do then there’s no going back for us if this doesn’t work out” I couldn’t help but laugh at the conflicted look on his face, he laughing as well as he wrapped his arm around my neck and pulled me into his body. “We really are a couple of crazy fools aren’t we?” He asked against my neck as I closed my eyes and leaned into the soft press of lips there. “I just can’t lose you Kris and if this is meant to happen then it’s going to happen and if its not then we still have this friendship that means the world to the both of us. Ok?”

“Ok…” I agreed but with a smirk on my face as I leaned up and kissed him hungrily. “What…I can’t help it if you’re a great kisser” I beamed, taking his hand and leading him towards my bedroom once again. “It’s been a long night and we’re both tired and I really don’t want to be alone tonight” I answered the look of question I was receiving as we entered the room. I hugged him close when he gave me a smile and a nod, the two of us getting ready for bed in silence before we slid under the covers. I felt like a teenage girl as we wrapped up into each other as simple kisses were exchanged between us until we both fell asleep not much later.

TBC...


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty-One

 

I wasn’t sure how things were going to be between us that next morning, but Matt never let it get uncomfortable and I was so thankful for that. We talked about Adam and Cassidy over breakfast, a subject that I didn’t really want to discuss but he refused to let die. “You know that it’s not over by any means right?” He asked as I took a sip from my coffee cup. “That man still loves you and no matter how much you deny it I think that you still love him” He was right but I didn’t want to admit it to myself much less out loud for Matt to hear. “Kris…” He laid his hand upon my hand as it lie on the table wrapped around the warm mug. “You need to decide what you want to do. If you still love him then be with him, but if you don’t then you need to just put it all behind you and move on”

“I don’t know what I want” I sighed, thankful for the hundredth time that morning that Matt wasn’t holding any grudges against me after the night before. “I loved Adam for a long time and there was a time when I just knew that he was my soul mate and then…”

“And then he ran off into the night” He finished for me, my heart aching at the quick flash of sadness I saw in his eyes before it was gone. “He hurt you and I get that you’re angry, but if he is your true soul mate then you will never be truly happy until the two of you are together”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore” I smiled at him quickly before pushing myself away from the table. “We have the rest of the day off and I don’t want to spend it on shit from the past. How about we get up and do something fun together” I could see the excitement in Matt’s eyes and it caused me to smile because I really only ever wanted him to be happy.

Our day of excitement proved to be more of a hassle as we tried to hit the streets of Los Angeles, only to be flocked by paparazzi wherever we went. The minute we stepped out of the lobby of my apartment complex we were bombarded. The most absurd and crude questions being thrown our way as we walked towards my car and with each one I started to get madder and madder because for some reason they were asking about Adam and our former relationship. “Well here’s why we are so popular this morning” Matt said as he surfed the blogs on his phone as I drove away from the madness. “Seems that someone overheard the little speech that Adam gave about still being in love with you and there are pictures of you and I…kissing” He hesitated for a moment not looking up at me. “I’m sorry Kris. I really thought that I was doing the right thing and…”

“I don’t care if they have a picture of us kissing” I cut him off, sick and tired of the bull shit already and the day had just begun. “Matt…I care for you as a friend and even a little bit more then that” I smiled over at him as I pulled up to a red light. “I wasn’t lying when I told you that I often wondered what it would be like to kiss you during Idol and after. “You’re amazing and sweet and you have the best sense of humor”

“Don’t forget hot” He piped up with a grin as he finally looked over at me with a blush on his face and a gleam in his eyes.

“You’re especially hot” I grinned back as I reached out and touched the side of his face. “I just want you to know that I’m on board if this happens” I didn’t get to say any more as the light took that moment to turn green and the car behind me started to honk at us. “Lets go find someplace that serves breakfast and then we can do whatever you want to do”

We never did find that breakfast because the moment that we found a parking spot and exited the car we were surrounded once again. I knew that being photographed by the paparazzi was part of being famous and that it was most of the time a good thing, but it was so annoying and upsetting the way that they crowded around us, asking the same questions over and over again.

“Was that the walk of shame you took this morning Matt?” One of them screamed above the rest as we walked towards a hat shop that Matt wanted to visit. “Are the two of you together?”

“Are you the same Kris that Adam Lambert keeps dedicating his albums too?” Another cried out.

“Have the two of you had a threesome with the great sex god Glambert?” Yet another one yelled even louder then the rest of them, causing all of us, including the paps to stop and look at him.

“Deep breaths” I heard Matt whisper as he slid his arm around my waist as led me into a nearby store. “Just ignore them baby” He whispered against my ear as he pulled me into a hug the minute the door closed behind us. “They want to get a rise out of you so they can make more money”

“Thank you ” I replied with a smile as I leaned up and stole a quick kiss before turning around and walking away. I had never been so bored in all my life as I watched Matt try on hat after hat after hat. I didn’t say anything as he talked to the sales girl about brim sizes and things that I didn’t really care about, instead I pulled out my phone and decided to take a look at the Hollywood blogs myself. “Shit…” I cursed under my breath as I found picture after picture of Adam declaring his love for me and then the kiss between Matt and I. I also learned that Adam had confirmed that I was the same Kris that he had dedicated his albums too, but thankfully he didn’t go into detail. I wanted to be mad at Adam, but yet I just sort of found myself feeling numb about the whole fucked up situation. I didn’t know what to feel or what to think because as much as I wanted to forgive both Adam and Cassidy for what they had done to me, I just didn’t think that I was man enough to do it and then there was Matt. I had no idea what to do about Matt because as much as I knew he was right about making a decision about Adam, I really did have strong feelings for him, feelings that were changing seemingly minute by minute. Matt was an amazing man and I knew that if I decided to take things further with him that he would do it without question. The problem was that as much as I cared for Matt, I would have even have gone so far as to say I was a little bit in love with him, but I knew that he wasn’t my soul mate. Adam had taken that position and I knew that he would hold it for the rest of my life despite my confusion.

“You ready?” I heard Matt ask, breaking me from my thoughts of Adam as I looked up and found his smiling face before me.

“How many hats did you buy?” I laughed at the many hat boxes sitting at his feet.

“I like hats” He shrugged with a blush, sitting down on the bench beside me. “You ok? You looked like you spaced out for a bit there?” My heart squeezed at just how observant Matt was of me at all times and it made me smile.

“I’m good” I replied with a half truth. “But I’m starving and since you didn’t feed me breakfast you get to buy me lunch” As expected the paps followed us to the car so we could lock up Matt’s hats and then towards the restaurant where we decided to eat. I just decided to ignore them but I could tell that Matt was tense and defensive as they continued with their line of inappropriate questioning. “You ok?” It was my turn to ask as we sat in a booth at one of my favorite restaurants moments later.

“It just pisses me off the shit they ask you?” He blurted out, smiling quickly at the waitress after she had brought us our drinks. “I know that I told you to ignore them but I really want to punch that one jerk in the face so bad”

“Come here” I croaked my finger towards him with a small grin on my face because I hated to see Matt all tense. “Closer” I said when he leaned across the table towards me. I could see the confusion on his face as he sat up a little and leaned in just a bit more. Meeting him halfway I slid my hand into his hair and kissed him softly. “Who cares what those fuckers think” I couldn’t help but smile when he smiled back at me, kissing me that time instead. We had a nice lunch talking about everything and anything except what had happened the night before and what was happening between us. Afterwards we went for ice cream across the street from where we ate, ignoring the photographers as much as we could as we shared each others ice cream before heading back towards my car.

“I think that I should probably go home” Matt said after our day of fun as we sat parked in the parking garage of my apartment.

“What if I told you that I didn’t want you to go home?” I asked, turning to face him, tracing the tip of my index finger up the length of his thigh.

“Kris…” There was an edge to his voice, but I couldn’t tell if it was good a bad as I threw caution to the wind and leaned in towards him.

“You don’t have to be into the studio until tomorrow afternoon and I don’t have anything but a phone interview at noon. I really want you to stay” I leaned in closer, practically in his lap because I really didn’t want him to leave.

“You know if I stay that things are going to change between us?” It was more of a statement then a question, but I didn’t care anymore because I really wanted Matt so much in that moment in time.

“I know” I was just about to kiss him when my phone rang, scaring the shit out of both of us in the quiet of the car.

Who is it?” He asked, sounding breathless as his hands fumbled in his lap.

“I don’t know. It’s not a number that I know” I replied, hitting the ignore button. “Now where were we?” I teased, moving in to kiss him, the phone ringing from the palm of my hand once again. “What the fuck” I cried out when I looked down and saw the same unlisted number again.

“Maybe you should answer it” Matt said, starting to look uncomfortable.

“I don’t know this number and for all I know it could be a pap or a crazed fan” I blurted out in irritation that I had been thwarted from kissing Matt twice.

“You remember when that fan got your phone number while we were on tour?” Matt laughed, reaching over and taking my hand into his. “She must have called you a hundred times a day until you got your number changed”

“That was so creepy” I recalled, leaning over and as I laid my head on Matt’s shoulder. “Do you remember some of the voicemails that she left me?” I shuddered as I remembered the disgusting things she said she wanted to do to me and me to her. “Good thing that I had you to protect me” I snuggled into his neck, kissing it tenderly because it had been true.

“I’ll always protect you Kris” I heard him reply as he looked down at me as I pulled away from my place of comfort in order to see his face.

“Does that mean your staying?” I asked, already knowing the answer at the roll eyes I got in response.

“Was there ever any doubt?” He giggled when I leaned in again and nipped playfully at his neck. “Give me that damn thing” He snagged the phone out of my hand when it rang again, the same off number as before. “Hello…who is this?” He practically yelled into the phone. “I said who the fuck is this?” He asked again, poking the end button when he didn’t get a response before shutting it down completely. “Let’s go inside” I watched as he got out of the car, walking around towards my side, taking my hand into his as we walked towards the building. Thankfully there weren’t any paparazzi waiting for us that time, but I quickly realized that I didn’t care if there had been because my feelings for Matt were starting to change and if it meant that it allowed me to not think about Adam then I was more then willing to see where our relationship could go.

Matt was all over me the minute I closed the door to my apartment and I didn’t detour him as I worked his shirt off, mine following quickly thereafter. I didn’t know if Matt had ever been with a man before and in truth I didn’t care as I grabbed onto the loop of his pants and dragged him giggling into my bedroom. I stripped him down to his boxers, running my hands up his body, more then eager to replace my hands with my mouth but he stopped me before I could begin. “You ok?” I asked as he held my hands against his chest, his eyes worried and unsure when I finally found the nerve to look into them.

“I want this so badly Kris, you have to believe that, but I’m just afraid that if we do this that everything is going to change and I don’t know if I’m ready for that” He said, sitting down on the bed, still holding my hand as he forced me to sit beside him.

“You kissed me first” I replied dumbly, frustrated because I was tired of the stop and go game we seemed to be playing all the time.

“I know I did and I want nothing more then to throw you on this bed and fuck the shit out of you but can you honestly say that if this doesn’t work out that we can still be friends” He rushed out in one long sentence and I wondered if it had more to do with Adam then our friendship.

“I’m over Adam” I lied and he knew I was lying at the look he gave me before looking down at my hands.

“I didn’t say this had anything to do with Adam, but since you brought that up maybe we should talk about that as well” He said sadly, pulling his hand away and for some reason that only served to piss me off so much that I couldn’t even see straight.

“You know what, you’re right” I yelled jerking myself off of the bed before picking up his discarded clothing. “We shouldn’t do this” I threw his clothes at him. “You just need to go” I was near screeching as I stormed over towards the other side of the room, glaring daggers at Matt out of frustration and hurt and yet I knew that most of it wasn’t completely about him.

“Kris, come on don’t do this” Matt tried to reason, walking over towards me in only his boxers as he tried to pull me into his arms. I wasn’t having it though because I just wanted to be alone.

“Just leave Matt” I yelled, refusing to meet his eyes as I stormed out of the bedroom and went looking for the shirt I had thrown in the hallway.

“Kris come on…be reasonable” I heard Matt say as he walked into the hallway, but I noticed that he had his jeans and his shoes back on. I didn’t say anything else as I tossed him his shirt, storming past him again without as much as a glance. “Kris…” I heard him call my name again but I just ignored him as I slammed my bedroom door shut, locking it for some reason even though I knew Matt wasn’t going to come back. My thoughts were confirmed at the slamming of the front door, leaving me all alone with my confusion and my loneliness. I ended my night with a bottle of vodka, listening to all of Adam’s CD’s, tears on my face as I sang each and everyone of them at the top of my lungs until I passed out cold on the living room floor.

TBC...


	22. Chapter 22

When I woke up the next morning I felt like shit and my entire body felt stiff and painful as I pulled my sorry ass off of the floor and headed into the shower. An hour later I felt somewhat human again as I curled up on the couch and drank several cups of very strong coffee. I was exhausted and still pissed off at the world when my assistant came barging into my apartment hollering and screaming loud enough to revive the dead. I didn’t know what she was going on about and I didn’t care as I curled back onto the couch and closed my eyes. “Oh I know you don’t think that you’re going back to sleep” I heard her roar, my eyes flying open when I was jerked off of the couch, crying out in pain when my entire body hit the floor when she released me. “What the fuck where you thinking when you went off gallivanting with Matt, yesterday, kissing each other all over L.A. and then turning your phone off to leave me to deal with the backlash”

“Backlash…what backlash?” She had my full attention as I sat up, leaning against the back of the couch for support out of fear that if I got up she was going to knock me down once again.

“There are pictures all over the internet and media of you and Matt on your little date yesterday. Did you not see all those stupid men with cameras attached to their faces all over you? Or where you too starry eyed to see anything other then your new boyfriend?” She yelled down at me, a handful of papers landing on the floor before me.

“Matt’s not my boyfriend” I cried out in my defense, but I could see that the pictures displayed in front of me showed something completely different.

“That’s not what the rags say and just so you know management is not happy with their newest American Idol” She glared at me some more before going into the kitchen and pouring herself a cup of coffee. “Your interview for this afternoon is cancelled” I couldn’t help but smile because it was the only thing that I had to do that day and with it cancelled I planned to crawl into my bed and sleep the day away. “Yeah…you wish” She cried out as if reading my thoughts. “You have a meeting with the record company in an hour, so you might want to prepare yourself for the ass kissing you are going to have to do so they don’t drop your stupid ass. Oh and they know all about your run in with Adam Lambert as well, that stories are all over the paper as well. Seems you and Adam have a history together, one that you felt you didn’t need to share with me, I mean with us” She corrected herself quickly, the sneer to her voice razor sharp and I knew right then and there that she wasn’t upset with me because of the media shit storm Matt and myself had caused, but because I hadn’t told her that Adam and I had a past.

“I didn’t know how to tell you” I said, literally jerking back further into the couch at the evil look she shot at me to match the sneer. “Adam and I do have a history and some of its good, but a lot of its bad and I was honestly just trying to forget about it and move on” She seemed to soften a bit, but not enough that I knew I was off of the hook. “It’s a long…long story” I sighed, pulling myself painfully off of the floor and sitting back on the couch as I took a deep breath because I knew she deserved to know everything. I started at the very beginning from my relationship with Cassidy, to the heartbreak of Adam leaving, praising myself internally for not breaking down right there in front of her as the past came back to haunt me once again. I was only half way through my story when it was time to leave for the meeting, finishing it up in the car that had been sent for us.

“What a fucking jerk” She said in awe when as I slumped against the passenger side door, too emotionally exhausted to come up with a response. “How could he do that to you after everything you did for him?” I had tears in my eyes as I recalled the way our love had just crumbled at my feet, hating that after so many years it still affected me the way that it did. “Oh Kris, I’m so sorry for everything” I didn’t know what everything included and I didn’t care because I could see that I was in her good graces again. I just nodded, closing my eyes as two single tears slid down my cheeks as the pain of the past and the guilt of what I had said and done to Matt combined into a huge knot in the pit of my stomach. “We’re here” She spoke softly, lying her hand on my knee and giving it a gentle squeeze. “I’ll give you a few minutes to compose yourself and then when you’re ready we will go in there and fight them tooth and nail” I still couldn’t say anything, so I did the next best thing as I laid my hand atop the one on my knee, giving it a small squeeze in return. She had a sad smile on her face as she exited the car and for some odd reason I already knew that with her on my side that nothing, not even the record company and their threats were going to be able to touch me.

The meeting lasted for several hours and it was just as horrible and ugly as I expected it would have been. I had people screaming at me that I didn’t even know, my own management team sitting back and letting it happen before they let loose on me as well. The threats were mean and spiteful, but I just sat there and said nothing because the fact of the matter was that everything was out of my control and it really didn’t matter what I had to say about it one way or another. I was half tempted to just get up and leave, but I knew my career would have been over the moment I stood up if I did. Instead I just sat there and listened to them talk about my stupidity and the fact that my sexuality had become a huge problem for them and it was one that they were going to have to come up with a way to fix. I lost it right then and there, not caring at that point in time if I lost my contract or not. “Do you have something to say Mr. Allen?” A snotty looking conservative woman glared across the table at me and it only served to piss me off even more.

“Oh I have plenty to say about this entire fucked up situation, but this is all I’m going to say on the matter. I’m gay. I’ve always been gay and I’m always going to be gay and there isn’t anything that you can fix about that. As for my relationship with Adam Lambert that was a long time ago before either of us were part of the music industry and it has nothing to do with my career in the least now. What we had is in the past and as far as I’m concerned that’s where it’s going to stay. As for Matt, where our relationship goes is none of your concern either. I signed a contract with this label to make music and to hopefully make a few bucks for your greedy asses, but no where in that contract does it say that you have the right to involve yourselves into my private life. So this is how it’s going to be, you either support me as the musical artist that you know I can be or you can cancel my contract or fucking sue me. I don’t really care anymore” Shooting the lady an equally dirty look, I ran my eyes across the table at each and everyone of them as if to prove my point and then stormed out. I was fairly certain I was going to be dumped by the label before the door even closed behind me, but I didn’t care. My life was completely fucked up in every aspect and I really had no idea what I was going to do about it.

I walked the city for hours after that, ignoring the idiots with cameras pointed my way and their stupid and inappropriate questions as I lost myself in my head. I couldn’t believe how extremely fucked up my life had become and how confused I was by all of it. My mind raced back to my earlier days with Cassidy and the wonderfulness that was my first real relationship with a man. I couldn’t help but smile at how young and naive I was and how much I really did love him for helping to shape me into the man that I turned out to be. I thought about the happy and intimate times that we shared and how I could totally understand why he couldn’t forgive me for hurting him the way that I had. I thought about the love and devotion I felt for Adam, chuckling under my breath at all the fun times we shared and how I could pretty much always fix our problems at the beginning with chocolate. I finally fully admitted to myself that I still loved Adam and that I would always love Adam, but like Cassidy couldn’t forgive me all those years ago, I wasn’t sure if I could ever forgive Adam. It still hurt too much to think about the day that he left me and the life we had shared. It was still too raw and I was still too angry to even think about trying to move past it. As for Matt, I had no idea what I was going to do. I wasn’t lying when I told Matt that I had feelings for him because I did, the problem was that I didn’t know what they really were and that maybe I was just too fucked up in the head after Cassidy and Adam to even consider pursuing anything. What I did know was that I missed him so much and wanted to call him so badly that it made me want to cry and yet I wasn’t sure how much I had damaged our relationship with the way I had kicked him out the night before.

I felt exhausted beyond belief as I walked into my apartment and found Valerie pacing back and forth in the hallway. “I already know what you’re going to tell me” I sighed, shaking my head, resigned to my fate.

“The label caved. They agreed to what you said” She spoke quickly, a look of pure nervousness on her face that started to get my guard up because since I had met her she had always looked like she had everything under control.

“Well if they agreed to everything then why do you look like you are about to pass out?” I asked, something telling me that I really didn’t want to know what was worrying her.

“You have a visitor” She said so quickly that it took me a moment to understand what she had said.

“Is Matt here?” I smiled widely, rushing into the living room, that smile quickly replaced by a frown at who I saw instead of Matt. “What the hell is he doing here?” I snapped, feeling betrayed beyond belief that after everything I had told her about Adam and my relationship with him, he was sitting quietly in my living room, looking almost as nervous as Valerie did.

TBC...


	23. Chapter 23

“He was sitting in front of your door when I got here” She explained quickly, her hands flying all over the place.

“So you had to let him in?” I yelled even louder, feeling bad for about half a second as she flinched at my loudness.

“It’s not her fault Kris” I heard Adam finally speak and I just about lost my mind at how calm he looked. “I pretty much begged and pleaded until she let me in”

“How did you even get my address? You’ve been the one calling me too haven’t you?” I surmised before he could answer and I knew I was right by the look of guilt that quickly replaced the calmness.

“It’s Hollywood Kris. I got your number from Patrick, after that it wasn’t hard to find someone who had your address” He shrugged his shoulders and I literally had to leave the room and resist the urge to punch his lights out. I said nothing to Valerie as I pulled several deep breaths into my lungs.

“I want you both to leave” I said with venom in my voice once I walked back into the room Adam was still in.

“I’ll call you later” I heard Valerie say quickly but I didn’t pay her any mind as I locked infuriated eyes on Adam waiting for him to leave as well.

“We need to talk Kris” He said with an air of determination as he stood up from the chair he was shitting on, crossing his arms over his chest. I saw red as I stalked across the room, punching him so hard in the mouth that I felt skin rip painfully across just about every knuckle of my hand. Adam didn’t say anything for the longest time as he stared at me with eyes still full of determination, but surrounded by sadness and pain as well. “Do you feel better now?” He asked as he wiped at his bleeding lip with the sleeve of his shirt. He didn’t even flinch when I punched him again, that time staggering for a bit but not falling down. “You can hit me as many times as you want, but I’m not leaving until you talk to me Kris” His lips were swollen and slightly bleeding in two spots as he wiped at them again with his shirt, but I didn’t care because I wanted him to hurt and as angry as I was I wanted to be the one to hurt him.

“What can we possibly have to talk about?” I cried out, wiping my knuckles across my jeans as I considered hitting him yet again.

“I just want to say I’m sorry Kris and that I still love…”

“NO…” I cut him off before he had a chance to finish those words, taking a step backwards because the urge to beat him into a blood pulp was becoming way too great with every look that he gave me and every word that he spoke. “You don’t get to say those words anymore and I sure as hell don’t want to hear them” I ground out, shaking so hard but I wasn’t sure if it was because of my anger or the convergence of all those emotions from the past. “Just shut up…shut your stupid mouth before I punch it once again”

“I know I fucked up and I hurt you but you have to believe me when I say I did what was best for both of us at the time” He ignored my angered request, actually having the nerve to take a step towards me with his hands held out as if he were trying to calm a crazy man and I was sure that I fit the look of crazy to the bill as I stood in shock before him. “Kris…please just listen to me” He took another step and then I just completely lost my mind.

“Stop saying my name…don’t you fucking say my name” I screamed so loud that the words echoed across the expanse of the room. I had no control of my mind or my body as I lunged towards his unsuspecting body, hitting him with such force in the chest with my hands that he lost his footing, fell backwards onto the chair he had been sitting on, he and the chair flipping over and crashing onto the floor behind them. I didn’t even flinch when he didn’t move for a second because I was too filled with confusion and rage to worry or care about if I’d actually hurt him. “You want to talk about how much you hurt me?” I hurled the words back at him when he began to stir, blood dripping down the side of his face by a cut on his forehead. “Because you didn’t just hurt me…you fucking devastated me. I did everything that I could to make you happy because I loved you and I wanted to make our life for you as easy as possible. I knew you were unhappy, knew you were selfish but none of that mattered because I thought my love for you was enough, but you just kept taking and taking until I had nothing left to give and then you fucking walked out on me” I didn’t have the energy to stand any longer as I fell to the floor, tears blazing down my face as I looked up and found equally tearful blue eyes gazing back at me. “You just left me. How could you do that to me?” I asked, openly crying and unable to stop because the pain was just so overwhelming.

“I know I took the cowards way out, but I had to Kris” His voice was shaky and uneven as I pulled my knees into my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs trying to make myself as small as possible as I listened to Adam’s words. “I wasn’t lying when I told you that it was love at first sight for me and I know you don’t want to hear it and I’ll risk taking another beating…but I still love you Kris”

“If you loved me you wouldn’t have left me” I sobbed, hiding my face in my hands as the pain of my past came back to haunt me yet again. “You just left and you took everything with you. Not only did you leave me with a broken heart, but you took what was left of our money and left me with nothing. I could have ended up on the streets because I had no way to make the rent on time”

“I know. I wasn’t thinking about you or the fact that you wouldn’t have enough to cover our bills. Cassidy had told me all about New York and the opportunities there and it was all that I could think about. I was selfish and stupid, but you have to believe that a huge part of it was because I wanted to find something better then we had and make you proud of me”

“I was always proud of you” I wiped at my eyes, still hiding my face in my hands. “Why couldn’t I have been included in your plans?” I asked. “Why couldn’t we both move to New York and start a new life together? You may have loved me Adam, but you loved you and your career move then you could ever love me. I gave up my dreams of music so you could pursue yours and in the end as a thank you, you just walked out of my life as if it was the easiest thing in the world to do”

“You think that it was easy?” He cried out, causing me to look up because I heard actual shock in his words and the look on his face held nothing but true shock as well. “You can’t believe that it was easy for me?”

“Your actions spoke otherwise” I shot back, wondering why I was even listening to Adam when I really just wanted him to leave so I could lie down on my bed and sleep for a week or three.

“I was a fall down mess that day while you were at work. I cried that entire day, telling Cassidy over and over again that I couldn’t leave you. I went back and forth on my decision to go because I did love you and I knew it was going to hurt you, but at the same time I didn’t want to miss the chance to make something of my self. I was stupid and selfish yes, but don’t ever think for one second that it was an easy decision for me. I was across the street when you got home that night and it took everything that I had not to run back into that shitty apartment and beg for your forgiveness. My first few weeks in New York I cried myself to sleep every night until Cassidy threatened to kick me out if I didn’t pull myself together. I had a plan and now that I look at it, it was a stupid plan, but it was all that I had to hold onto as I worked my way up in the music industry. It was hard to learn that you didn’t even seem to care that I was gone as you got on with your life and made a name for yourself as well”

“Well I’m so sorry that it was hard for you to take as I got on with my life” I yelled back. “I should have known that you had your stupid friends spying on me, but what they didn’t know was that I might have pretended that my life was great and I was moving on, but for several years it was the complete opposite of that truth” I corrected him quickly, feeling so bone fucking tired that I was finding it almost impossible to keep my eyes open any longer. “It wasn’t until last year that I decided to move on from the past and take control of my life and it was the best thing I’ve ever done because I have a career in music and…”

“And you’re in love with him” I already knew who he was referring to and I didn’t correct him as I used every ounce of strength I had left in my body and pulled myself off of the floor.

“When you left you gave up the right to be jealous when it comes to my love life” I stated matter of factly. “I can’t do this anymore. I’m too exhausted and too pissed off to deal with this. It’s time for you to leave Adam” I didn’t say anything else as I started walking down the hallway towards my bedroom, hoping and praying that he would take my heed and leave my apartment and my life.

“Will you ever forgive me Kris?” I heard him ask as I turned around and found him standing at the end of the hallway, tears blazing down his cheeks as he gazed at me with so much sorrow in his eyes that it actually made me feel sorry for a second for what I had said and done to him.

“I can’t…not now…maybe not ever” I replied truthfully because despite everything I had heard from him that afternoon, the pain and confusion in my heart was still the same. I didn’t know if I would ever be able to wade through the confusion that filled my mind and my heart and the truth of the matter was I didn’t know if I wanted to. “Just leave me alone Adam. It’s time that we both forget about what we had in the past and focus on our own lives”

“You’re my soul mate Kris. I’ll always believe that and I’m sorry but I won’t ever give up” He whispered the last part as he headed for the front door.

“Then you’re going to be in for nothing but a broken heart” I called out after him, leaning against the wall because I just didn’t have the energy to stand on my own anymore.

“My hearts been broken since the moment I walked out of that apartment all those years ago” He turned to face me once again and the truth I saw in his incredibly blue eyes literally stole my breath away. “You’re my soul mate Kristopher Allen and even if it takes me until the day I die. I am going to make you believe it again one day” I could only watch as he walked out the door. I didn’t know what to feel after that, my body, heart and mind too numb to feel or do anything as I laid down on the wooden floor of the hallway, closed my eyes and fell into a dark sleep.

TBC...


	24. Chapter 24

“Why is he sleeping on the floor?” I heard someone say, unable to hear the response of the person they were talking to as I rolled over onto my side and tried to go back to sleep. “Kris…Kris…wake up” I heard an all too familiar voice speak as I opened my eyes and found Matt and my assistant standing over me. “Are you ok?” He asked with such concern in his eyes as he crouched down “Did he hurt you?”

“Only in my heart” I said, my voice tight and scratchy from too much crying and lack of decent sleep.

“Yeah” He replied, brushing his hand across the side of my face in such a gentle manner that it brought tears to my eyes. “Let’s get you off of the floor” His voice was soft and gentle and it made my heart ache because despite how horrible and mean I had been to Matt he was there for me regardless. “I’ve had Valerie clear your schedule for today and I don’t have anything until this afternoon”

“I’m sorry Matt” I sobbed, wrapping my arms around his neck as I held him close, praying to a higher power that he was there with me. “I’m so sorry”

“I know and it’s ok” He smiled sadly at me, untangling me from around his body as he led me into my bedroom. “We have a lot to talk about, but not now. You look like a train wreck” He chucked, as we stood before the bathroom door. “Go clean yourself up a bit and then get in bed. I’ll bring dinner after my interview and then we can talk”

“Please tell me that you’re going to come back” I begged because I felt as if Matt was my only shred of sanity.

“I’ll be back” He smiled, kissing me on the forehead before shoving me a little into the bathroom. He was still there when I came out, freshly showered but still feeling as if I hadn’t slept in ages. “Get in bed” He said and I didn’t question it as I crawled up under the covers, my eyes never leaving his face. “Do you want me to stay with you until I have to leave?” He asked and it brought tears to my eyes yet again because he knew just what I was thinking and what I needed without even having to say a word. I flew into his arms the moment he laid down beside me, my tears wetting his shirt as he held me tightly against his body. I wanted to say something, anything to let him know how much it meant to me that he was there and wasn’t holding a grudge, but before I could even open my mouth I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until several hours later still within Matt’s arms.

“You’re still here” I choked out, my throat almost painful after everything that had been going on.

“I left and then came back. You looked so peaceful that I didn’t want to wake you up just yet” He smiled sweetly. “Are you hungry?” He questioned me and I wanted to say no, but the fact of that matter was that I was pretty much starving.

“Maybe a little” I blushed, my stomach crying out in protest.

“Come on then” He grinned, taking my hand and tugging me until I crawled out of bed. “I’ve got dinner in the kitchen” We didn’t speak much as we ate the take out he had brought with him, but our eyes didn’t leave each others and that was more then enough at the time. Afterwards I watched as he cleaned up our dishes, taking my hand and leading me back into the living room. “This place was a wreck when Valerie and I came in. Did he hurt you?” He asked, running his finger delicately over my busted knuckles.

“It was more of an emotional hurt then physical, but I did manage to make his lip and his head bleed” I shrugged, thinking to myself that I should feel bad for what I had done to Adam, but only feeling a slight twinge of regret.

“He’s lucky that I wasn’t here or it would have been more then his lip and his head bleeding” Matt growled, wrapping his arms around my neck as he pulled me tightly against his body. I didn’t say anything, just held on tight as I enjoyed the calm that always seem to come over me whenever Matt was involved. I couldn’t help but whine when he pulled away, sitting down on the couch and tugging me into his side. “Better?” He smiled against the side of my head as I closed my eyes and allowed myself to just float in the calmness. “Hey…don’t fall asleep on me” He nudged me a little, forcing me to open my eyes and look up at him. “We still have to talk” I wanted to do anything but talk, but knew I couldn’t put it off any longer as I sat up, curled my legs up under me and waited for him to break my already messed up heart. “You know that I love you right?” He asked, staring deeply into my eyes as he waited for me to respond.

“I know” I replied softly, petrified to speak above a whisper because I knew he was about to drop a bomb on me.

“I don’t think that you do” He went on, reaching forward and taking my hand into his. “I mean that I’m totally head over heels in love with you and I have been for a really long time” I felt the air leave my lungs as he continued to hold my hand, his eyes locked on it for a long time before he looked over at me again. “This past week has been hell for me because you’ve given me something that I didn’t think I could ever have, your love in return” He explained when I still couldn’t speak, taking a deep breath before he continued. “I want to be with you Kris. I want to be the man that you love, the one that you come home too when we’re not touring the world. I want to pledge my heart to you and hell who knows, maybe even marry you some day, but I can’t lie to you and say that I’m scared fucking shitless about it”

“I told you that I was willing to see where things went with us” I finally found the will to speak, my eyes glassy and tearful, my heart full of love for Matt because I hadn’t expected to hear those words at all. “You don’t think that I want those things with you either?” I asked, knowing that Matt had every right to be cautious and unsure, where I had no right to feel hurt by those words, and yet I was.

“You know I have reason to be concerned” He spoke straight forward just like he always did and as much as I wanted to fight him, I knew that I couldn’t. “I love you Kris, but your life is really complicated”

“I don’t know what you want me to say to that” I said, tying to pull my hand out of his, but he held on tighter, bringing it to his lips and kissing it gently.

“I don’t want you to say anything, but I want you to listen” He finally let it go, lying it in my lap before he got up and walked away from me. “You’re going on tour in a few days and so am I. We’re both going to be on the road for two months” He began. “I want you to take that time and really think about what you want” I wanted to speak up, but he gave me a look of pleading and so I bite my lip instead and just listened to what he had to say. “I want you to think about what you really want” He repeated, taking a deep breath yet again. “If you decide that things are really over with Adam and that you think you might want to spend the rest of your life with me, then I’m going to be here waiting for you with open arms” I nodded quickly, but he looked away from me, taking another deep breath before going on. “But, if you decide that you still love Adam, that you want to be with Adam, then I will understand. I’m always going to be in your life Kris, but it’s up to you to decide in what capacity”

“That really doesn’t seem fair to you” I responded, the tears lingering on the brim on my eye lids because I knew how hard it was for Matt to say those things to me.

“What can I say except that I’m selfless” He grinned with a shrug, but I could see that he was struggling with his own tears as well. “I want to be with you Kris, but I have to know that you are one hundred percent sure that you are over Adam and only want to be with me. It’s only fair”

“I wish that I could make you understand that I don’t want be with Adam. I love him yes and a part of me will always love him, but I don’t feel the same way about him that I feel about you” I came clean, watching as Matt’s eyes lit up for a moment before going sad yet again.

“Adam is always going to be a part of your life and I can accept that” He spoke, staring at the floor for a few moments before looking over at me. “What I can’t accept, or won’t accept is you thinking that things are over between the two of you and being with me and then deciding that you want to be with him. I couldn’t take it if that happened”

“I would never do that to you” I cried out, jerking myself off of the couch and walking towards him. “Do you honestly think that I would do that to you?” I was frantic as I rushed around the coffee table, standing before him, wanting to touch him so badly but not sure how he would react to my touch. “Matt, I love you and I want to be with you. I don’t have to think about it, but I will” I put my hands up in surrender at the look he gave me. “I’ll do whatever you want me to do to prove to you that I really want to be your boyfriend…your lover…maybe even one day your husband” The idea made me feel warm and safe, something I hadn’t felt in a long time.

“You are making this so hard for me” He groaned, but I could see how happy my words had made him and it made me feel happy as well.

“Hey…these are your rules” I chucked, reaching forward and pulling him into my arms, a warmth flooding my entire body as he wrapped his arms around my waist and held me close. “But I’ll do whatever you need me to do to prove to you that I love you” And I meant those words too as I closed my eyes and just held on tight.

TBC...


	25. Chapter 25

The first six weeks of my tour went by in a flash. It was mayhem and craziness with the shows, the fans and the countless interviews I had to give, but I can’t say that I didn’t enjoy ever second of it. However, there were two aspects to that tour that made me so miserable that I wanted to cry most nights, one was how much I missed Matt and the second was that true to his word Adam refused to let me forget about him. Every single day he would call me, text me, or have something delivered to me. I never answered one single call or text and I returned to sender each little gift he had delivered and yet they didn’t stop. It pissed me off to no end to know that he knew my schedule and where I was going to be from day to day when in fact I never knew where I was from day to day. I was pissed that he always seemed to call me when I was alone, leaving voicemails about love and reconciliation that only served to anger me more. I hated that he would text me things that he had seen or things that had happened to him throughout the day, not seeming to care how each one made me feel. He didn’t seem to understand that I was trying to ignore him and it just made me feel more frustrated with each one sent.

“He’s never going to stop unless you talk to him Kris. I mean really talk to him” I heard Matt say one night after a show as I laid curled up in my huge hotel bed alone. “I’m not trying to influence your decision, but it you want things to be over between the two of you or if you maybe want to work things out with him, you have to do it face to face”

“I don’t understand how you can be so blasé about this” I pouted like a three year old child because I really didn’t understand how he could seem so cool about me even considering talking to Adam, much less alone and face to face.

“I want to cut my tongue out for even speaking it” I heard him say with a chuckle, but I could tell it was forced. “I really hate the idea of the two of you being in the same state, much less the same room and I hate that there is a possibility that he could say something magical and sweep you back off of your feet, but I have to deal with it for now” I didn’t even try to argue with him because he would have refused to listen to me anyway. If I had learned anything in the six weeks that we were apart it was that Matt was one stubborn little shit. When he got something in his head that was all there was to it and there was no changing his mind. We talked almost nightly and as many times as I told him that I had made my decision and wanted to be with him, he refused to listen to me. He said he wasn’t going to believe me until I actually sat down and talked to Adam and then when I was sure where I wanted to be, then he and I could move forward and be together. “You need to talk to him Kris…plain and simple” He drew me from my thoughts. “There is two weeks left to our tours and you haven’t even considered talking to him”

“That because I don’t want to talk to him” I pouted some one, even crossing my arms over my chest despite the fact that Matt couldn’t see me.

“Then don’t Kris” Matt yelled in my ear, forcing me to sit up out of the shock of his tone. “You don’t want to fucking talk to him then don’t” He yelled again. “You want to sit in limbo for the rest of your fucking life then do it, but don’t think that you’re going to keep me in limbo with you. You’re acting like an idiot and I’m tired off sitting by and watching you do it. You need to grow a fucking pair and take a stand, decide what you want to do and who you want to be with. You act like this is so easy for me, but it’s not because I hate the fact that you just don’t seem to get it or fucking care” The line was dead before I could even come back with a reply, my many attempts to call him back afterwards going to his voicemail each time. I was so angry when after the sixth try I still hadn’t reached him that I did something I probably wouldn’t have done if not for all the angry adrenaline coursing through my body.

“Jesus Kris, you have no idea how happy I am that you’ve decided to call me back” I heard Adam say in place of a greeting and I could hear the happiness in his voice, yet it only served to make me even angrier.

“Where are you right now?” I ignored what he was saying, rolling my eyes because I knew that what I was about to do was going to blow up in my face in the worst way.

“I’m in bed. You do realize it’s almost three in the morning here in L.A.” He laughed, my anger growing even more that he was acting so casual after our previous encounter and all the shit that had led up to it.

“I’m in Florida for the next four days. Can you…”

“I’ll leave as soon as I can” He didn’t give me a chance to finish my sentence. “Are you really willing to meet with me again after what happened last time?” I could hear the uncertainty in his voice, maybe even fear and it made me feel bad once again for how I had treated him the last time we had been together.

“I’m willing to meet with you again, but Adam you have to know that I can’t promise you anything. I want to talk to you, but I don’t want you to think that it changes anything. Matt thinks that I need to talk to you in order to move on and as much as I don’t want to admit it maybe he’s right”

“You’re doing this because of Matt?” I heard sadness next and it actually hurt my heart as I laid back down with a sigh and closed my eyes.

“I love him Adam, but I think that I might still love you too” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them even though I knew they were true. “I’m just still so angry at you” I sighed again, propping the phone against my ear as I laid against the pillow. “I don’t know what I feel anymore” I finally admitted, confused and fearful that I might screw everything up with Matt, and petrified that if I didn’t talk to Adam and give us another chance that I might lose my only real shot at happiness. “I can’t make you any promises”

“I know and I’m thankful that you are at least willing to talk to me again”

“I was so horrible to you” My voice was shaky, my cheeks heated and red as I recalled how mean and nasty I had been to him.

“I deserved it” He responded, his sadness radiating through the phone.

“You didn’t deserve what I did to you. I treated you like an animal and even though you hurt me, you didn’t deserve that and I’m sorry” I meant those words, tears misting my eyes because I hated the monster I had become that night.

“I deserved the anger at what I did, but thank you for the apology” We both went quiet after that, the only sound heard was our breathing. “I’ll text you later with my information” He finally broke the silence. “Good night Kris”

“Good night Adam”

Twelve hours later I found myself sitting in my hotel room with Adam, neither of us speaking a word for the longest time as we sat in uncomfortable silence. “This is uncomfortable” He broke the silence, getting up and walking over towards the mini bar. “Do you mind?” He indicated towards it, opening it and removing several of the small liquor bottles before placing them on the couch between us. “Maybe a little liquid courage will help” He shrugged, grabbing one of the bottles and downing it in one swallow. I agreed with his logic as I grabbed one myself and finished it off in two gulps. “Do you remember that time I took you to a drag club for the first time and how nervous you were the entire time we were there” He chuckled, taking another bottle and drinking from it, bringing up memories from our past that had nothing to do with what we were there to talk about. I wanted to say something sarcastic but then thought better as I kept my mouth closed and allowed him to continue. “You didn’t let go of my arm pretty much the entire time we were there, you’re grip getting tighter and tighter each time someone in drag walked up to us”

“It was my first time ever seeing big huge men dressed up like women” I snorted softly, knocking back another bottles. “You forgot the I came from a small town in Arkansas where the closest thing to drag I ever saw was my Uncle throwing on my Aunts robe to grab the morning paper”

“And yet the first time you saw me in drag you practically jumped my bones before we left the apartment” He laughed out loud that time, opening another bottle. “You were in such a rush to get my dress off that you my knee high slit turned into a thigh high slit”

“I know” I blushed because it was true. Sitting there I still couldn’t figure out what it was the turned me into a horny slut, but there was something as I practically ripped the dress he was wearing from his body, his tights only halfway down his legs before I begged him to fuck me like a mad man. “But then again at the beginning you just had to look at me and I wanted you” I sighed, playing with the lid of the bottle I was holding in my hand.

“I miss those days” He sighed too, bravely reaching out and taking my hand into his own. “I sometimes wish that I could go back and do it all over again. There are so many things that I would do so differently” He had tears in his eyes as he played with my fingers and as much as I didn’t want to go through another emotional roller coaster with Adam, I knew that I had to if there was even a possibility of moving on.

“I do too because then maybe I could have tried harder to make you stay” It hurt to say those words because as much as I didn’t want to admit it, even years later I still felt as if I had somehow let Adam down and that was the reason that he didn’t want to be with me any longer.

“You did everything that you could to make me happy Kris. I always knew that. You worked your ass off, held back on your music career and hocked the last link you held to your family for me and yet it wasn’t enough”

“I know” Tears glistened in my eyes as well as I looked at our hands because I couldn’t look him in the face. “I somehow failed you and because of it I lost you”

“NO…” He cried out, jerking his hand away from mine, getting up and walking back over towards the mini bar. “You did everything you could and I knew that” He repeated himself as he turned to face me. “But it wasn’t enough and no matter what you did it wasn’t ever going to be enough” My breath caught in my throat at those words, the pain started to turn to anger, but I held it in check because I knew it was going to be a long night and I was determined not to draw blood that time. “I was a selfish piece of shit Kris and no matter what you did for me it wasn’t enough; it was never going to be enough”

“You could have told me this while I was running myself ragged trying to make sure you were happy, that you loved me” I shot out, not even trying to hide my anger.

“I never once lied about how much I loved you Kris. It was love at first sight for me and I knew that you were my soul mate and as much as I knew I was hurting you and that you were practically killing yourself to keep me happy, I just let it continue. I regret that now. I regret every selfish and asinine thing I did and said because I know that I can’t take it back and that no matter what I do, you will always remember”

“I will always remember” I assured softly, starting to feel exhausted which seemed to happen whenever Adam was around. “I now know why Cassidy couldn’t forgive me all those years ago, because I really do want to forgive you Adam. I just want to forget everything and try and move forward, but I can’t. I can’t forget how much you hurt me with your words and your actions towards the end and I won’t ever forget the day that you walked out on me because other then losing my family, it was the most devastating thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. Because of you I closed myself off from love for the longest time, but then I met Matt and everything changed. He didn’t even give me a choice when he just wormed his way into my heart and forced me to see that I am capable of love again” Speaking those words out loud was like a revelation as I sat back and thought about how easily he had come into my life and taken over every aspect of it. It was because of his kindness and patience that I allowed my heart to feel love again and it was a love that I could honestly say that I only wanted to share with him. “Adam…I forgive you” I rushed out, jumping up off of the couch and practically racing over towards him. “I forgive you and I really do want to move past the shit from the past, but you have to understand that I can only give you friendship” At first I thought I was only saying those words with no real meaning behind them because of my feelings for Matt, but then I really started to realize that I meant those words. I didn’t want to hate Adam anymore and the idea of doing so for the rest of my life just seemed un-daunting and exhausting. I really didn’t know if the two of us could be friends after everything we had been through together, but I knew that if he couldn’t accept my act of friendship then regardless I could still be content with the fact that I had in fact tried.

“You really do love him don’t you?” I could hear the sadness in his voice and my heart ached for a moment before the full affect of loving Matt took over.

“He makes me happy and I haven’t felt happy in a long time. I love him Adam and I want to be with him and if you can’t accept that then all I can say is that I tried” I held my breath as he stood before me deep in thought for several seconds before he smiled down at me.

“I will always regret letting you get away, but you’re here now and if friendship is all that you’re able to give me then I’d be a fool to let it get away” I couldn’t believe how relieved and happy those words made me feel as I practically leapt into his arms hugging him close because I really did feel that the haunts of the past were starting to slip away. “Just know that if he fucks it up and hurts you, I’m going to be right there to steal you away” I couldn’t say anything as I hugged him close again before taking his hand and leading him back towards the couch. We talked for hours after that, talking about the good times and the bad times. I could actually feel that we were moving forward and that although I didn’t expect us to ever be as close as we were in the past, that there was a very huge possibility of a comfortable friendship in our future.

I was exhausted by the time morning came and yet I still didn’t want Adam to leave because it felt as if we still had more to talk about. He seemed to agree as we ordered breakfast through room service and decided to eat it on the balcony once it arrived. We continued to catch up on each others lives, eventually falling into silence when the sun started to come up. “It’s so beautiful” I smiled across the table at him, getting up and walking over towards the railing, closing my eyes and allowing the warmth of the sun to fall over me.

“Very beautiful” I heard Adam say beside me as I looked up and found him staring at me instead of the beautiful day awakening before us. “Kris…can I ask you one thing?” I heard him speak, already knowing what he wanted without him having to actually say it. “Just one…just to know” I hesitated as he reached forward and trailed his fingers down the side of my face, the words I wanted to say stuck in my throat as I found myself leaning forward and meeting his lips half way. I felt the old spark the minute that they touched and I knew he felt it too as his arms circled my waist, pulling me against his body. My body was on auto pilot as my arms wrapped around his neck, kissing him hard and messy before I pushed him away. “It’s still there Kris. You felt it too. I know you did” He was speaking so fast as he tried to pull me back into his arms. “The spark is still there Kris” He rushed out again, his eyes looking almost frantic, his mouth open wide as he pulled air into his chest. “You can’t tell me that you didn’t feel it”

I felt as he did as I drew in long hauls of air, trying to get my wits about me. “I felt it” I replied quickly, putting my hand up at the smile that quickly crossed his face. “I felt it, but it doesn’t change anything. I meant what I said earlier Adam…I can give you friendship and nothing else”

“Why? I don’t understand?” He cried out, looking angry and devastated all rolled into one.

“Because despite what I felt for you, it still feels like I’m cheating on Matt” I tried to explain, realizing once and for all that I truly did love Matt and that it was him that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. “I love you Adam and I’m always going to love you, but I love Matt more. Adam…please don’t go” I cried out after him as he raced into my hotel room. “Adam…please” My cries got louder, but he didn’t stop as he ran out the door and left me alone and so fucking confused that I didn’t know what I should feel. I didn’t have a chance to think about it anymore as my assistant flounced into my room, going over my itinerary for the day, clueless to my exhaustion and confusion.

TBC...


	26. Chapter 26

My day seemed never ending and for the first time ever the show felt more like a chore then a night of play like it usually did. I could hardly stand, let alone think as I practically crawled into my hotel room afterward, too exhausted to care about anything else but sleep. My phone started ringing the moment I got into bed, but I didn’t even have the energy to see who it was as I curled up under the covers and fell asleep right away. I woke up the next morning to my phone still ringing off of the hook and my assistant standing before my bed with a look of such anger upon her face that it actually caused me to curl deeper into the sanctuary of covers. “What the fuck Kris?” Her voice was high and full of pitch as she continued to shoot daggers at me, my cell phone still screaming out on the bedside table. “What’s the matter you too chicken to answer your phone because I as well as the higher ups at the label have been trying to call you since the pictures came out early this morning”

“What pictures?” I asked timidly because I was more then afraid to raise my voice more then a whisper at the way she was glaring at me and also the fact that I had a feeling that I didn’t want to know what pictures she was talking about.

“Why the pictures of you and Adam of course” She smiled evilly at me as in a scene similar to before she threw a slew of magazines at me.

“Holy shit…Matt” I cried out as I saw the pictures of Adam and I kissing on my balcony from the day before. “Fuck…Matt” I grabbed for my still ringing phone, hitting the ignore key for whoever it was that was trying to reach me and dialing Matt’s number. “Matt…Matt…I cried out once I heard his voice, my stomach turning hard as a rock when I reached his voicemail. “Matt…it’s not what you think. Please…Matt you have to believe me when I tell you that it isn’t what you think. We kissed, but it meant nothing” I knew how cliché that sounded and yet I didn’t know what else to say as I closed my eyes in defeat and ended the call. “I suppose management is trying to reach me so they can finally fire me?” I asked, not even looking at her as I continued to stare at the blank screen of my phone.

“Oh quite the contrary” She was still grinning at me in an evil way as I finally found the nerve to look up at her. “They couldn’t be happier about you’re little tryst with Adam because in the last twenty four hours your album sales have gone up by twenty percent”

“What…why?” I asked, even more confused because my album had been out for nearly a year and if anything sales should have been going down.

“Adam Lambert is a rock god Kris and everything he touches turns to gold” The tone of her voice was mean and mocking and set me on edge in a way that I had never felt towards her before. “I hope that he’s worth breaking poor Matt’s heart” She went on as I gritted my teeth and tried to control the urge to explode in front of her. “How could you Kris. I mean after everything you have told me about Adam and what he did to you and then there’s Matt who has done nothing but be there for you and love you and you do this to him. No wonder he’s not answering his phone because if I was him I wouldn’t ever take another phone call from you again and…”

“ENOUGH” I screamed at the top of my lungs, jumping up off of the bed, not caring that I was only in my underwear as I strode up to her. “The last time I checked you worked for me and I don’t know who you think you are but you won’t ever talk to me like that again if you want to keep your job” I was more pissed off then I had felt in a while as I glared at her instead, enjoying the fact that she actually seemed to be scared as she took a step back and fell into a chair behind her. “Not that it’s any of your fucking business but I didn’t cheat on Matt with Adam. It was a kiss, plain and simple. Well maybe not so simple” I backtracked for a second before getting back to the point I was trying to make. “The fact of the matter is that there isn’t anything going on between Adam and I and as for the label and my increased record sales, I could give two shits about that. Now…you are going to get on the contraption you call a phone and you are going to keep calling Matt until he answers his phone”

“What if I can’t reach him?” She asked, her voice actually low compared to the loudness that usually came from her.

“Then you call everyone and anyone that you know who knows him until you do. Don’t fail at this task Valerie because you job depends on it” I threatened her, even though we both knew that I wouldn’t go through with it because like it or not this girl had me by the balls and was so interwoven in my private and personal life that if I fired her I’d just as well kill myself without her.

“Just for the record” I heard her say as I turned to walk into the bathroom. “I’m going to let you get away with talking to me like this today, but it won’t happen again” She proved my point as I shook my head in agreement before locking myself in the bathroom. It took her pretty much all day to finally reach Matt, but once she did he still refused to speak to me. I wanted to cry as I watched her pretty much beg the man that I loved to speak to me over and over again, only to end the call a few minutes later with a frown on her face. “He’s upset. Give him a day or two and he’ll probably calm down enough to speak to you”

“Yeah…maybe” I replied, not believing for a second that that would happen as the two of us left my hotel room and went downstairs to the car waiting to take me to my next show. That show felt like it took forever to end and as much as I tried to focus on being positive and full of energy, by the end of it I felt as if I let my fans down as well as Matt. I didn’t even stay around for the meet and greet afterwards as I had the car take me back to my hotel and the empty bed I had waiting for me. I had no idea where Valerie was, not having seen her since we had been dropped off at the concert hall earlier that night and in truth I really didn’t care as I stuck my key card into the lock on the door and prepared to wallow in complete and utter misery until my flight back home the next afternoon. I almost had a heart attack when Valerie came bursting out of the door once I opened it, an actual smile on her face.

“Don’t screw this up” She warned playfully, still smiling before she hugged me. “You’re flight for tomorrow had been cancelled, but I’ll give you the full details tomorrow later in the day, much, much later in the day. Don’t screw it up” She said again, hugging me again before traipsing down the hallway. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, hoping and praying that Matt was waiting for me on the other side of that door.

“Are you coming in or are you going to stand out where all night?” I heard a familiar voice say as I opened my eyes and found Matt standing before me with the biggest grin on his handsome face.

“I was hoping you were going to be here” I replied stupidly, smiling so wide that my cheeks hurt.

“Well Valerie called me like a millions times and then she called every single person that I knew until they got pissed off and told me to call her back. She bitched me out once I did and told me that my flight was already booked and that it would be in my best interest not to miss it. She kind of scares me a little” He snorted, the two of us still just standing there grinning like idiots at each other.

“She kind of scares me a lot” I replied, my heart so full of love at the moment that I just knew it was going to explode. “Nothing happened between Adam and I” I rushed out, tears blazing down my face. “It was just a kiss, but it made me realize how much I love you and how much I want to be with you”

“Ok…” He replied off handedly.

“Ok?” I repeated, really not knowing what to think one way or the other by that single word.

“Just come inside” He took my hand and led me inside, the sight before me letting me know that I had already been forgiven. The lighting was low, there was soft music playing in the background as well as a bottle of champaign chilling near the mini bar. “I was a fool to tell you to talk to Adam because I knew that there was a huge chance that despite how everything played out the last time you got together, that the two of you would find a way to make amends and realize that you still loved each other. I just had to know Kris” He looked sad as he looked down at the floor, my hand still in his. “I had to know that you were truly over him before I could ever think about putting my heart totally on the line, but then you left for your tour and after talking to you night after night, I realized that it was too late. I signed my heart completely over to you the moment that I laid eyes on you that first day during auditions. I took one look at you sitting in the conference room looking all sweet and innocent and I was a goner, by the time you left to go on tour I realized that I had given you my soul as well. I love you and there is nothing more that I want to do then spend the rest of my life being owned by you” He finally looked up at me and as much as I tried to stop myself I burst out laughing.

“A simple I love you would have sufficed” I wheezed, laughing even harder when he glared at me mockingly. “Oh and by the way…I love you too” I cried out as I reached forward and pulled him towards me, kissing the very breath from him between kisses. I didn’t know what was going to happen between Adam and I, didn’t know if we would ever speak to each other again, or if we would actually be able to move forward and try and have some semblance of a friendship. I didn’t know what my record label was going to say when they finally found out that I wasn’t dating the great Glambert and was actually in love with the runner up of American Idol, Season Eight and yet I didn’t care. I didn’t care that I was probably going to lose it all because I was so head over heels in love with Matt Giraud that nothing else mattered. I knew that there were probably going to be battles along the way as our relationship progressed, but I was willing to take them on because I knew with Matt at my side that I would conquer each and every one of them.

TBC...


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter Twenty-Seven

I was with Matt for nearly three years before fate decided to intervene and move our lives into two completely different directions. We both fought for it for a long time before it was evident that we weren’t supposed to be together and we finally admitted defeat. Our lives were great at the very beginning as we adjusted to the lives of an out and proud gay couple. My second album became an overnight success, doing even better then the first one. Matt sophomore album for some reason did not seem to connect well with the American public, but it was explosive in Europe. He used to tell me constantly that he didn’t care that his record had for the most part been shunned in his home country, but I could tell he was lying and it was pretty much the beginning of the end for us. I never said anything to him about it, constantly trying to downplay my success, which is probably what started the divide between us, but at the time all I cared about was sparing his feelings. I did everything in my power to include Matt in my success while his management tried to decide what to do with him, but nothing every worked. It was busy and insane as I was invited to promote my album and current single on all the hottest television shows, also being asked to perform and present on a couple of award shows as well and each time I had to do it alone. Matt’s refusal to come with me hurt me more then I would ever admit to him, but what hurt even more was that he didn’t seem to notice or care and it was starting to feel like the relationship I had shared with Adam towards the end. I was determined that I wasn’t going to allow that to happen again as I begged my manager and the label for some time off, knowing that doing so there was a huge chance of hurting my sales, but for Matt I was willing to risk it. I asked for two weeks, they allowed me five days, but I didn’t care because I felt it was enough time to talk some sense into Matt and get our relationship back on track. I decided to surprise him with a trip to New York but from the moment we boarded that plane it was apparent that Matt was not happy about our trip and that my plans to try and salvage our relationship was going to be a huge waste of time.

He pretty much said nothing to me on the plane, avoiding any sort of contact until I curled up into my seat and tried not to let it get to me. He started complaining the moment that we entered out hotel room, saying that it was too big and extravagant for just the two of us and pretty much accusing me of flaunting my money at him. I ignored his jab, instead pulling out the itinerary I had created before we had left and attempting to show him. He wanted nothing to do with it or me as he then accused me of trying to dominate his life before storming out and leaving me completely confused and angry. He came back hours later drunk out of his mind, mumbling words that didn’t make much sense to me before he stumbled onto our bed and passed out. I didn’t know what was going on with Matt, and as much as I was determined to find out, I had a horrible feeling in the back of my mind that kept telling me that I wasn’t going to like it once I had. I eventually fell asleep beside the man that I still loved, only to wake up the next morning with Matt gone once again. I tried calling his cell phone, but realized he had left it in the room when I heard my ringtone blaring up from the floor where he had lost his pants on his way to bed the night prior. I had no idea where he was once again and my confusion only continued to grow when he showed up a few hours later in a hotel robe and despite his drunkenness the night before looking quite refreshed.

“Where the hell have you been?” I yelled, storming into the living area to find him lounging on the couch.

“I went and got a massage at the spa downstairs” He shrugged, taking a sip from a water bottle that had been sitting on the coffee table.

“And you didn’t think to wake me and see if I wanted to go?” I asked, my voice softer because Matt’s actions were really quite hurtful.

“I needed some alone time to think” He replied, actually looking quite sad as he sat up and stared at the wall behind me. “We need to talk Kris” I closed my eyes and ducked my head when he finally focused on my face because I already knew what was coming, his eyes saying everything loud and clear.

“It seems you’ve already made up your mind, so what is there to talk about” I kept my eyes closed because I knew if I opened them the tears hiding behind them would stream down my face.

“Kris please” He sounded so sad as I opened them and allowed the tears to fall. I didn’t hesitate to take his hand when he held it out towards me, sitting next to him on the couch, but feeling as far removed from him as the Grand Canyon. “The label thinks that it would be a good idea for me to move overseas and pursuer my career over there” He began, still holding my hand. “I told them no”

“What?” I cried out in shock as I looked up at him. “Matt, I don’t understand”

“I told them no” He repeated, releasing my hand before he got up and started pacing before me. “I love you Kris and you have to believe that I’m happy about your success” I knew he meant those words as I waited for him to continue. “But as you know my second album pretty much tanked the minute it was released, but for some reason they love me in Europe” He gave me a sad smile before he began pacing again. “Several months ago they called me into a meeting and told me their new strategy for my career, but I told them no because I love you and the life that we share”

“But you’re having seconds thoughts about it now” I finished for him, my voice a shuddering mess because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that Matt and I wouldn’t be leaving that hotel room together in the end.

“I tried Kris” He said, sitting down beside me and once again taking my hand. “I really tried, but my music is everything and I need to do this”

“I understand that” I cried out and I did because my music meant everything to me, but I could tell that it wasn’t going to change our outcome. “We can still do this Matt. We can still make this relationship work” I tried despite everything. “I love you. I don’t want us to end over this”

“Is that really what you want Kris? Do you really want the two of us living on two different continents, in two different time zones, trying to hold onto something that we both know won’t work” His words were like a direct stab to the heart as I released the breath I didn’t even know I was holding and fell completely apart. “I’m so sorry baby” I heard him cry against my ear as he pulled me into his arms and just held me. “I really do love you and I didn’t want it to end this way, but I have to see where this can go. I’ve tried to make us work, but I’ve found myself becoming so fucking bitter and I’m starting to hate your success. I love you baby” He pushed me back enough to look into my eyes. “And if things were to continue the way they were I would come to hate you for it and I don’t want to hate you Kris”

“I don’t want you to hate me either. I love you Matt” I insisted. “Ok…so I’ll go with you” I said with a smile because I thought I had come up with the perfect solution. “I’ll take some time off and go with you. You’ve supported my career from the very beginning and now I can return the favor” I tried to hug him but he pushed me away and instead of happiness at the fact that I had found a way for us to stay together, I only found sadness looking back at me. “You’ve already made your decision to leave me” I said, stepping away from him because it hurt so much to be near him. “There isn’t anything that I can say or do to chance your mind is there?” I didn’t wait for him to answer as I fell back onto the couch. “How long have you been thinking about this Matt?” I asked, not even trying to hide the tears coursing down my cheeks. “How long?” I asked when he didn’t answer right away.

“About six months” He finally replied, his face a mask of shame and pain.

“So you had already made the decision to leave me before they spoke to you?” I already knew the answer, but at the time I think I needed to hear it to make everything final.

“Yes…” He replied so softly that I hardly heard him, but even if I hadn’t heard it I would have already known the answer y the look in his eyes. “You have to believe me that it has nothing to do with you Kris” He rushed out, his voice thicker, loaded with pain as he sat down beside me on the couch. “I love you. I wasn’t lying when I told you I fell for you the moment I saw you during the auditions, but your career…” He stopped and took a breath, taking my hands into his. “You’re career just exploded just like I knew it would. You’re an amazing performer Kris and the world sees that. I love you…but you have your fucking career and I would never ask you to give it up because I know it means everything to you, just like mine means everything to me” And just like that my relationship with Matt came to an end. I decided to stay in New York alone as I tried to cope with everything that had just happened and why it was that it seemed I would never find love and truly be happy. I thought I had found that with Matt, but as I watched his plane leave the next day I came to terms with the fact that I was destined to be alone and that love was meant for others, but just not me.

TBC...


	28. Chapter 28

I was a changed man once I got back to Los. Angeles. I decided not to focus on my washed up love life and instead focus on my career and what I could do to help others. I did a few good will trips, played a couple of shows for our soldiers serving overseas and then when that was done I decided to start my own charity. It was a lot of hard work, but it was more rewarding then anything I had ever done in my lifetime. I talked about it to everyone and anyone that would listen and along the way other celebrities joined in to help. I was surprised with each one that called to let me know they were on board, but the most surprising was when I got a phone call from Adam out of the blue one night. We hadn’t spoken since he had stormed out of my hotel room so many years before hand and as his name flashed on the screen before me, I found myself almost petrified to answer it.

“Hello…” I finally got the nerve to answer, my heart beating so quickly in my chest as I waited for him to speak. “Hello…Adam?” I questioned when it seemed like an eternity passed, but it had only been a few seconds and he hadn’t spoken a word.

“I heard about you and Matt and I just wanted to say I’m sorry” He finally spoke, my heart dropping for a moment because I hadn’t allowed myself to think about Matt since I had returned from New York. I tried to reply to him but all that came out was a shuddering sob as I finally allowed my broken and still confused heart to shatter. “I’m coming over” I heard him say and I yet I still said nothing because my throat seemed to have closed up on me. Instead, I ended the call, curled up on my bed and just cried. I don’t remember much after that, just opening my eyes to a darkened room, a warm body wrapped all around me and a familiar scent that once again brought tears to my eyes. “I’m here” I heard Adam whisper as he wrapped his arms even tighter around my body. “I’m here” He repeated and I didn’t even care that I had no idea how he ended up in my apartment because for the first time since Matt had left me I didn’t feel so bone crushingly alone. I didn’t even remember falling back to sleep after that as I opened my eyes once again, squinting and crying out in pain as the sun slapped me square in the face with its warmth and brightness. Closing my eyes I curled deeper under the duvet, intending to sleep the rest of the day away, only to have them fly open again when I realized I was once again alone in my bed. I wondered if the previous night had all been a dream as I surveyed the room and found nothing to prove that Adam had actually been there. I didn’t know why but I actually felt sadder and lonelier after that as I threw the covers over my head and shifted further into the pillow next to me. My eyes opened yet again when my hand came in contact with a piece of paper, my heart speeding up as I forced myself to sit up and read what was written on it.

Kris,  
I had an early meeting this morning that I couldn’t get out of. I really am sorry that things didn’t work out with Matt. I’d like to come back and visit with you later this afternoon if you’re free. However, after our last encounter I’d understand if you didn’t want anything to do with me. I think you have my number, but just incase you don’t you will find it at the bottom on this note. I’d really like to be your friend Kris and I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive my sins from the past. I await your response.

Adam.

555-5835

 

I waited for the anger and upset to take over like it always had in the past, but I felt nothing but the pain and despair over losing Matt. It was right there in that very moment that I realized that I really was over everything from the past and that I really did want to move away from it and maybe become friends with Adam. I wasn’t sure if it was going to work, but I really wanted to give it a try as I reached for my cell phone on the dresser next to the bed and dialed the number already programmed into my phone. I had a feeling that he was probably still in his meeting when he didn’t answer, taking a deep breath before leaving the message I knew was going to change both of our lives forever. “I’d like to be your friend too” My voice was raw and heavy, but I truly meant those words as I disconnected the call. I slept for a few more hours before I forced myself to get up and take a shower. I was halfway dressed when I heard my doorbell ring, my heart pounding heavily in my chest because I already knew who it was. Pulling my shirt over my head I padded barefoot into the hallway, taking a deep breath before opening the door and finding exactly who I knew it would be standing before me.

“I brought lunch if you’re hungry” He held up a bag, the wonderful aroma making my long empty stomach growl. “I guess that’s a yes” He laughed, making a move to step forward, but hesitating as he waited for me to respond.

“Thank you” I ground out, tears in my eyes once again as I lunged forward and wrapped my arms around his chest. I couldn’t help but giggle as the bag he was holding slapped me in the head as he tried to hold onto it and keep the two of us from falling on the floor.

“You’re welcome” I heard him smile against my ear as he steadied himself, wrapping his free arm around me. “Now come on and let’s eat” I couldn’t have agreed more as my stomach growled loudly once again. We didn’t say anything as we plated the food he had brought, still not speaking when we finally sat down at the table and began to eat. I didn’t know what to say to Adam and he seemed to be in the same boat as we smiled shyly at each other across the table before we both started laughing. “Awkward much” He laughed again, such a look of happiness on his face that for some strange reason it caused me to relax as I cocked my head and really took in how much Adam had changed since we had been together. “What?” He asked, still smiling when I just continued to stare at him.

“I just can’t believe how much you’ve changed since we’ve been together” I said, still taking in the man sitting before me.

“Well I had to” He shrugged, moving his eyes to the plate in front of him. “Do you think that I would be as popular as I am now if I looked like I did back then” There was a sadness to his voice that I didn’t understand and then it hit me that Adam probably had suffered just as much as I had after he left for New York.

“I do” I replied truthfully because I always knew that Adam was destined for great things from the first time that I heard him sing. “Besides, I happened to think that you were quite amazing to look at back then” I smiled because it really was true. True, he didn’t have the perfectly styled and shiny hair or the fancy clothes, but I loved him so much just the same. I felt a pang in my heart as I recalled how much I loved just looking at him, touching him, just being in his presence and it brought a tear to my eye. “To me you were always beautiful and amazing” My voice was soft and heavy, the tears thicker in my eyes, but that time it wasn’t because of anger and hated but of a fondness of that life we had lived before it went off center. “I’m sorry” I shook my head slightly to clear away the subdued feeling that had quickly settled around the table.

“Thank you” He smiled at me with tears in his eyes as well. “You however, you haven’t changed a bit” He laughed slightly at the cock eyed look I gave him because I felt as if I had changed leaps and bounds from the naïve person I had been. “It’s true” He continued. “Other then that fact that you’ve aged a little in years, you still look the same to me. You have the same mannerisms and god forbid your fashion sense seems to have gotten worse since you’ve come into the big time” I couldn’t help but laugh with him because despite the fact that I now had enough money to buy all the latest fashions I still preferred the laid back look. “I bet if I went into your closet right now I would find some of the same clothes that you wore when we were together” Again I just laughed because I knew for a fact that those words were true. “Matt was always such a snappy dresser, I’m surprised that he didn’t rub off on you” My smile turned to a frown at the mention of Matt’s name, Adam stumbling all over himself once he had realized his blunder. “Fuck…Kris…I’m sorry”

“It’s ok” I replied and I meant it because I knew it was time for me to start moving past Matt and the hurt caused by our break up. I had avoided it for far to long and I knew that if I didn’t work my way through it that I would probably have nothing but resentment and anger towards him like I had towards Adam. I knew I had a right to be angry at Matt for the way our relationship had ended, but if I had learned anything by my actions towards Adam, I knew that I couldn’t go through that again with Matt. “I really do want to be your friend Adam” I reinstated my earlier message as I reached over and took his hands into my own. “I’m tired of the fighting and the anger. I’m ready to move past it and have you in my life again” Again I waited for any lingering anger or resentment to surge forward, but I felt nothing but hope as I gazed into Adam’s eyes and found them smiling back at me. We talked for hours after we finished eating, sometimes it becoming a bit awkward because it was so new and we had to find common ground once again, but as I said goodbye to Adam at the door much later that afternoon I felt as if we were in the right direction.

Surprisingly enough a friendship between us blossomed rather quickly as we fell into a pattern of getting together to hang out as much as we could, or talking on the phone when our busy schedules prevented it. It was nice to have someone that I felt I could talk to and soon enough I began to feel as if I could trust Adam once again with all of my secrets, not that I had many to share. It was amazing how easy it was to just be his friend and as concerned as I was that there might be some lingering issues from our past, when something did come up we were able to work past it rather quickly. Adam had started dating a very sweet artist named Drake and as much as I wanted to dislike him for dating the man I once thought I would spend the rest of my life with, instead I found myself liking him and really enjoying his company even when Adam wasn’t around. He seemed to balance Adam in a way that not many others, including myself could and I found myself happy that they had found each other. I tried dating off and on for awhile, even going on a couple of blind dates that Adam had set up for me, but it usually never went further then a date or two before I got bored, maybe even a little scared and never called them again. Adam hounded me constantly to try and find love, but I just didn’t think that I was ready. I was still so emotionally scarred by both Adam and Matt that the idea of even trying or thinking about looking for love terrified me.

I thought of Cassidy often during those times, because he had been just as terrified of love when I showed up in his life. I hadn’t seen or spoken to him since that night at the label party and I still held hope that one day he would be able to forgive me for what I had done to him. I had learned from Adam that he had moved to Australia and was pursuing his music there. I wasn’t sure what kind of move that was for his career, but I hoped that he was happy and life was treating him well. He and Adam were still friends, but sadly their correspondence had dwindled down and other then his move over there, he didn’t really know what was going on in Cassidy’s life. I wanted to call him so many times and try and work through everything like Adam and I had, but the coward in me hindered that process and so I just focused on my new friendship with Adam and the amazing life of celebrity I was living.

TBC...


	29. Chapter 29

The problem about living the life of a celebrity was that your time was never your own, your life was constantly laid out for the masses to ogle and privacy was nearly non-existent. I loved my life and I was happy with it, but the fact that I could hardly take a shit without it being major news was really hard for me to deal with sometimes and the fact that Adam and I were friends again made it so much harder to deal with. From the first moment he and I went out in public the madness known as Kradam began. Adam was used to it because his career was larger then mine and he had been at it quite a bit longer, but for me it was a struggle not to beat the vultures that followed us constantly with their own cameras. They were horrible when we were apart, but it was even worse when we were together and it got to the point where I didn’t want to hang out with Adam past the safety of our homes when we were able to spend time together. Adam was still dating Drake and out in public with him enough for it to be a well known fact and yet whenever we did go out, even if Drake was with us people automatically assumed that we were together. I felt horrible for poor Drake who had to listen to the gossip and see the pictures with tag lines starting that we were more then just friends, but he was a great guy and he took it all in stride. I was actually starting to resent Hollywood and everything that it represented. I was tired of the lies and the constant intrusions of my privacy and I was over the fake and plastic celebrities themselves, those that I didn’t know and those that I wasted my time on and dated. I made a promise to myself that I wasn’t going to waste my time on them anymore, wasn’t going to waste my time on anyone any more and then all that changed rather quickly with a chance meeting.

Jeremy was a breath of fresh air from the minute I met him. I sure as heck wasn’t expecting to find him, but for the short time that we were together it was a nice distraction from the craziness that was my life. He wasn’t part of the Hollywood scene, working as a cashier at a guitar center in downtown Los Angeles. I had gone in to find a new guitar to take on my next tour with me and walked out with a smile on my face and his phone number in my pocket. We had just started talking music and it just clicked from there. He was cute and funny and so down to earth that I wanted to steal him away from his menial job and hide him away so he would always stay that way. I knew I couldn’t do that and so I asked him out on a date, which he happily accepted. We dated for only a few short weeks, managing to keep it thankfully under the radar. I enjoyed spending time with Jeremy and despite my earlier fear of commitment; I actually found myself wanting to take what we had further and maybe think about pursuing a relationship. He seemed on board as well and I found myself really starting to develop feelings for him thankful once again that I had finally found someone who wasn’t part of the industry and wanted nothing more then to be with just Kris Allen the man and not the rock star. That all changed one morning with a frantic call from Adam as once again I found myself hurting and declaring that I would never take a chance with another man again. I was in stunned shock as I sat before the television, Adam and Drake on each side of me as I watched a woman claiming to be Jeremy’s wife fake crying on one of the local gossip channels. She told a story of how I had seduced her husband into being with me and that because of it I had broken up their happy home. I was numb with horror as I watched her hold up a photo to the camera of Jeremy, herself and two young children. “I didn’t know” I finally found the words to say as I continued to stare at the photo because never in a million years would I have done anything with him if I had known he had a wife and children.

The media jumped on the story as expected and ran with it. I was labeled a home wrecker, my named dragged through the mud as every righteous asshole in the media preached the evils of my existence. Jeremy himself had sold our story to one of the biggest gossips rags in the country, agreeing with what his wife had said and totally leaving my hanging in the wind. I was hurt and I shed a few tears, but at the same time I wasn’t really surprised by it all because I had finally accepted the fact that I wouldn’t ever find the true love I always craved for since I was a kid, that I was always going to be alone and as much as that haunted me, for my sanity I felt it was the best decision I had ever made in my life. The label didn’t know what to do with the media hailstorm that I had created and so they decided to ship me out of the country for a few months in hopes that once I returned the gossip mongers would have found someone else to dig their claws into. I was angry that they didn’t seem to be on my side, but I didn’t fight them as I found myself boarding a plane for Australia still numb and trying to process everything that had happened. It wasn’t just a vacation they were sending me on in that they wanted me to write some songs for a new up and coming artists, the veiled threat of not fucking this up or my own career could be over lingering in my mind.

Australia was beautiful and amazing and exactly what I needed after everything that happened. It was nice to just be alone and away from the madness, not having to worry about everyone watching my every move and sharing it with the world. There I was free to walk the streets and not have paparazzi constantly in my face taking my picture and asking the most inappropriate questions about my life. Occasionally someone would recognize me; they would ask me for an autograph or a picture and then go away. I found myself relaxed in a way that I hadn’t felt in a long time and with that relaxation my creativity began to flow and over the course of a few weeks I had nearly two dozen songs ready to hand over to the record company once I went back. I hated the idea of going back to the States, but at the same time I missed spending time with Adam and Drake and I was ready to start focusing on my own music career as well.

I ran into Cassidy one week before I was scheduled to go back home. I had totally forgotten that Adam had told me he was living in Australia until I saw him walking in a park near my hotel with a smile on his face and a child perched on top of his shoulders. I had to look twice to make sure it was him, my feet moving towards him before I even knew what I was going to saw once I had reached him. “Kris?” I heard him cry out when I stopped in front of him. “Oh my god…Kris” He yelled grinning from ear to ear as he placed the child on the ground next to him, grabbing onto me and hugging me so tightly that he took my breath away. “What are you doing here?” He asked once he had placed me back on the ground, smiling down at what turned out to be a little girl before reaching out and taking her hand.

“Vacation…work…thing” I stammered, my heart filled with excitement that he actually seemed happy to see me. “It’s so good to see you”

“Yeah…yeah…you too” He smiled at me, reaching down to pluck the little girl into his arms. “Look…I have to get Clara back to her mother, but we should get together and talk”

“I’d like that” I replied quickly, hoping and praying that he really meant those words because I really wanted to talk to Cassidy and close that lingering part of hurt in my life for good.

“Where are you staying?” He asked, winking at the child in his arms before turning his attention back towards me. “How about I stop by tonight if you don’t have anything planned” He said when I told him.

“Promise” The word was out of my mouth and sounded so desperate that I wanted to cram it back down my throat and run away, but a gentle hand on my arm stopped me.

“I promise” He replied with so much happiness in his eyes that I felt the fear and concern drain away. “I’ll see you later then” He winked at me before walking off, the little girl staring at me over his shoulder as he did. I found myself dying to find out about her and the fact that she was nearly the spitting image of the man holding her. “She’s my daughter” He told me several hours later over dinner in my room after showing up at my hotel as promised.

“Your daughter” I smiled, because I couldn’t help it at how happy Cassidy seemed to be. “She’s really beautiful Cass” I said and I meant those words because she truly was a beautiful child with flawless skin and dark eyes just like her father.

“She is isn’t she” He beamed, reaching into his pocket and pulling out several pictures from his wallet. “She’s been my little miracle Kris” She continued to smile, making me smile and soak in the happy vibe surrounding him. “I came here to get away from everything because I found myself unhappy and hating my life in L.A. and then she was born and I realized that none of that mattered anymore, that all that matters is her and making sure that she’s loved and taken care of”

“I’m so sorry about everything Cassidy” I blurted out, tears glistening in my eyes. I knew it wasn’t the right time or place to talk about our past, but I was so ready to talk about it and move onward that once again my mouth worked ahead of my brain.

I watched him hesitate for am moment, his eyes getting a distant look because I knew he was thinking about the night I broke his heart. I waited for him to tell me being there was a mistake as I closed my eyes and waited for the words to come. Instead, he reached out and touched my face, my eyes brimming with tears as I opened them and found him looking at me with such kindness in his eyes. “I forgive you Kris. I did a long time ago. I probably should have told you that before I left, but I never did. I hope you can forgive me for that and for…”

“I don’t have anything to forgive you for” I stopped him, wrapping my hand around his wrist and holding his hand against my face just a bit longer because I just wasn’t ready to let go. “Can we move past everything…maybe be friends?” I asked once I did let go, holding my breath as I waited for him to respond.

TBC...


	30. Chapter 30

“I’d love that” He replied with a smile and right then and there I felt as if everything in my life finally had clicked into place. I felt a peace that I hadn’t felt since first moving to California and meeting the two men that I knew were always going to be a part of my life. “Come on…let’s go for a walk” He brought me back to the moment as he pushed away from the table, taking my hand and leading me towards the door. “We can get some air and continue to catch up with our lives.

“Ok” I replied with my own smile as I walked beside him, his hand still in mine. We ended up sitting on a deserted beach, staring out into the dark water as we caught up on each others lives. I told Cassidy all about my relationship with Matt, proud of myself that I was able to actually speak of it and not break down into a total mess. He told me about how he had decided to move there after playing at a gay pride rally several years before his life became a fucked up mess in L.A. I learned that he had befriended another American girl during that time and had kept in touch with her when he had gone back to the States, living with her in an artist colony for many months before their friendship turned into something more when he went back to Australia. He shocked me when he said he had fallen in love with her, learning several months later that she was pregnant with his child. The relationship fizzled out rather quickly after her birth because despite the fact that he had truly fallen in love with her, he knew in his heart that he was gay and that he needed to be true to that aspect of his life. They had remained friends and together they shared the raising of their daughter. “Are you happy Cass?” I asked when a blanket of quiet fell over us as we continued to look out into the water.

“I’ve been content” He replied, drawing his eyes away from the rushing waves and looking down at me. “Then Clara came along and everything seemed better” He hesitated for a moment, taking a deep breath before starting up once again. “I’ve been waiting for you” He said, still looking at me as I tried to figure out what he meant by that. “I knew you were coming but I just didn’t know when. You being here makes me happy”

“I’m not sure I know what you mean” I blurted out, confused and a little bit scared as he continued to stare into my eyes.

“Jenna, Clara’s mother sees things" He began, my breath catching in my throat because I was really afraid to hear what he had to say next. "Right after we broke up she told me that she had already seen it coming and that she was just a stepping stone in the path of my life. She told me that the person I was meant to be with was coming and that we would be together until my dying day”

“Cassidy…I don’t…”

“She told me that he was someone that had been part of my past, but that our souls weren’t fully ready to be together at that time" He continued with such a happy smile on his face. “She never told me your name, but she said that you were coming and that we would meet in a place surrounded by trees” I felt as if Cassidy had lost him mind as I got up and walked to the edge of the shore, crossing my arms over my chest because I suddenly felt very cold and unsure of what to do or say next. “She told me that you had sworn off love, but that after I convinced you that we were meant to be that our lives would finally be in sync and the love that we feel for each other would make us happier then we had been in a long time”

“I don’t believe in any of that shit” I spat out rather rudely, more in fear then anger because his words scared and confused the shit out of me.

“You can’t stand there and tell me that you don’t still love me Kris because I know you do” The calmness in his voice grating on me in ways that I couldn’t explain.

“Of course I still love you…you were my first love” I found myself blurting out, my breath catching in my throat as he walked over to where I stood, placing his hands on either side of my face before he leaned down and kissed me. I really wanted to push him away, wanted to run away from that madman and hide from his words, but a rightness settled over me as he increased the velocity of that kiss and instead I found myself wrapping my arms around his neck and falling into the kiss head long. "This doesn't make any sense" I rasped against his lips before delving in for another kiss. "I...I wasn't looking for this. I don't believe in love anymore"

"Then believe in me" He said, pulling back enough to gaze lovingly into my eyes. "You know you can always believe in me"

"I believe" I whispered, feeling so totally confused and yet as if everything in my life was finally right. We somehow ended up back at my hotel where we made love to each other for hours until we were too exhausted to do more then share lazy kisses and gentle touches. "I never saw this coming" I sighed between those kisses, still a lot confused at what was happening between us, but really not wanting it to end.

"I know" Cassidy replied, kissing me again. "Jesus, you're still such an amazing kisser" I couldn't help but blush at his words, closing my eyes and arching upwards as he continued to wonderfully abuse my lips. "I could never get enough of them before and it seems nothings changed now" We made out for a bit longer before my exhaustion over took me and I fell into a blissful sleep. When I woke up several hours later I found Cassidy snoring softly behind me and I was immediately brought back years prior when Cassidy and I had been together and in love. I couldn't help but smile at how amazing and loving he had been in every sense of the word when I was still so young and naïve in the ways of love and sex. My smile disappeared though as I recalled how Cassidy had begged me not to break his heart and how I had done just that when my feelings for Adam pushed forward. I felt the guilt squeeze at my heart because although Cassidy had said he had forgiven me I still couldn't let it go. "That's not a very flattering look on that beautiful face of yours" I heard the man lying beside me say groggily.

"Cassidy...what are we doing?" I asked, sitting up as I tugged the rumpled sheets over my naked lower body.

"Getting on with our lives baby" He replied with a smile as he leaned forward and kissed my shoulder.

"But how can we after everything I did to you. You begged me not to hurt you and I did and then there's Adam who is a part of my life now and..." I was in a near panic, my arms flailing wildly around me.

"Kris...baby...that's all in the past. I already told you I forgive you and I meant that. Kris...I love you. I've always loved you and I'm always going to love you" I could tell he meant those words and it brought tears to my eyes.

"But how? How can you still love me after everything that I've done to you?" I sobbed, my emotions dizzied and confused as I hide my face in my hands and just fell apart.

"Because I just do honey and that's all there is to it" He replied softly, raising my head gently until I was looking up at his face. "I love you and I forgive you...enough said" He smiled with a shrug before he leaned forward and kissed me. I didn’t know what to think because I had been blooded and bruised by love and I was still so guilty about breaking Cassidy's heart in our past, but as he laid me out on the bed and continued to kiss me I found myself willing to put my heart out there once again because in some strange and familiar way I knew that Cassidy was going to be there to protect it.

TBC...


	31. Chapter 31

I got to meet Jenna later that day and as much as I couldn't understand how Cassidy had fallen in love with a woman, after just a few minutes I found myself falling in love with her as well. She was beautiful to look at but she also had an inner beauty about her that drew you right in and made you feel almost like family. I was also introduced to their daughter and like her mother I fell in love with her from the moment I held her in my arms. “She’s drawn to you” I heard Jenna say as I continued to hold her, my heart filling with a love that I had never experienced before with anyone. “Come let’s talk” She held out her hand to me, nodding at Cassidy to take Clara from me. I felt almost an emptiness as he took her from me, Jenna tugging me towards the back of the home that they shared. “You are drawn to her too” She said as we entered a beautiful garden. “Everything is now falling into place”

“None of this makes any sense to me” I replied, sitting down under a tree when Jenna sat down and patted the space beside her.

“I know that you’re confused Kris, but what’s happening is your destiny. You’ve been lost for such a very long time but you’ve found your way again and you are now on the path you belong. You are meant for great things Kristopher, the ones that hurt you in your past just stepping stones to build you up and make you into the man you are today, the man that you are supposed to be” I had no idea what the heck she was talking about and I guess she could tell as she took my hand into her own once again and held it against her chest. “You’re confused and you probably think that I have lost my mind” She giggled and I couldn’t help but smile despite my confusion.

“I don’t know what to think. It’s all so weird and far fetched” I shrugged. “It’s like some sort of really bad science fiction movie. I’m sorry that was rude of me” I mumbled, feeling like a total asshole as I took my hand back and placed it in my lap.

“You’re not the first to doubt my abilities and you won’t be the last” She smiled at me, not seeming to care that I had pretty much insulted her right in front of her face. “I’ve had to deal with it my entire life and even Cassidy thought I had gone crazy the first time I told him you were coming for him”

“Coming for him?” I cried out. “The only reason I came here was because my record label didn’t know what to do with me and shipped me off here after some bad press”

“It may have played out that way, but you were meant to come here Kris and that’s all that matters” She said with another smile and she took my hand once again. “You’re Cassidy’s soul mate so of course you were going to find him again” My breath caught in my throat because even though I kept telling myself that I didn’t believe in soul mates, I knew Adam was mine. “Cassidy is not your soul mate, that belongs to another, but it is not your time yet to be with him” She went on as if reading my mind. “But you are Cassidy’s and he needs you to be there for him until you cross paths with your true soul mate once again” My head was hurting as my mind tried to make sense and keep up with everything she was saying, but it still seemed such a lost cause because I still had no idea what she was talking about. “I’ve confused you even more” She said, lying her free hand over the one still holding mine.

“A little…” I lied because I felt so far over my head I just wanted to run away once again and hide from the madness. “A lot…” I fessed up at the look on skepticism she shot my way.

“Let me explain” She said, squeezing my hand before she began. “Before we are born our lives are predestined. There is a greater power that decides what we are going to do with that life and it’s the people that we meet along that way that help us achieve it” She waited a moment as I digested what she said before starting again. “We are all born with powers as well. Some like me are destined to foresee the future and guide those who have strayed from their path, others like you are meant to fill the world with joy and happiness with your music and songs. I’m sort of like a guide if you will” She giggled. “You really are Cassidy’s soul mate and you were meant to meet all those years ago, but you were never meant to fall in love, at least not then. Somehow you each stepped off of your path and well you know what happened next” I knew she knew about all the pain and drama that had happened between he, myself and Adam and so I stayed quiet and waited for her to continue. “Cassidy and I were meant to come together as well and because of that union we created such a beautiful little person” Her eyes got misty, but the smile never left her face as she looked over at me. “Like everyone else she is part of this equation as well”

“She really is beautiful” I agreed, looking towards the house where Cassidy and Clara where still inside.

“Thank you” She kissed the top of my hand before placing it back in my lap. “I can’t explain my gift to you other then I see what can only be described as visions. I can’t make them happen and I can never predict when they are going to come. All I can say is that I saw you and I knew you were coming for Cassidy. The two of you are meant to be together until…you are meant to be together” She corrected herself quickly, avoiding my eyes as she looked down at the grass. I wanted to say something to her, but Cassidy took that exact moment to exit the house with Clara. “Trust in this Kris” She said quickly as we both watched Clara run towards us. “You’re going to see that together you will both find happiness” Clara was in my lap before I could respond and I found myself so enraptured by everything about her that I kind of forgot what I wanted to say to her mother.

Cassidy and I spent every moment of the rest of that week together, sometimes with Jenna and Clara at the artist’s colony and sometimes alone in my hotel room. I still wasn’t sure if I believed Jenna’s words or not, but I found that it really didn’t matter because I was happy with Cassidy back in my life and I just wanted to hold on to that happiness for as long as I could. I didn’t want to focus on the old pains from my past anymore, feeling lighter and freer in a way that I never thought I would feel. I wasn’t sure how Cassidy and I were going to continue with that happiness as he drove me to the airport at the end of that week, but I really wasn’t worried about it either because in a strange sense I had faith that it was going to work out in the end and we really were going to be together.

I had been back in L.A. For nearly a month and I still hadn't told Adam about Cassidy and I. I spoke to Cass on the phone every night as we continued to get to know each other again and strangely enough without my really noticing it I totally fell head over heels in love with him once again. It was an amazing feeling, but along with that feeling there was a bone crushing feeling of loneliness because the man that I loved was in another country. I had however confided in Drake one day as we had lunch because I just needed to talk to someone about it. He said he was happy for me and I could tell that he was, but he was confused about my fear of telling Adam. "We've all have such a history together and I'm not sure how he will react" I tried to explain without really explaining anything at all.

"Do you still love him?" Drake asked and I didn't have to ask who he was speaking about by the look on his face. Adam had told Drake everything about our relationship before I had come into the picture, being up front myself when we had become friends.

"I'm always going to love him, but I'm not in love with him" I replied truthfully, giving his hand a squeeze. "As crazy as it sounds I'm crazy in love with Cassidy and I miss him so much" My eyes got misty as I thought back to the last night we had spent together.

"Why isn't he here then?" He asked, taking my hand.

"He has his daughter there and truth be told he just doesn't have the money. I've tried to talk to him about letting me help him out financially, but he won't let me" I locked my eyes on the ground and pulled in several breathes before I looked across the table at Drake. "I just want him here" I shrugged with a sad smile upon my face because I knew he would understand.

"He will be. You just have to believe" He smiled back, shooting me a wink before he pushed his chair back and got up from the table. I did believe, the only problem was that I didn’t know how long it was going to take before we were together again and that was the part that was slowly killing me.

We walked in silence to my car, which was quite off because usually Drake was chatting my ear off about Adam or something pertaining to his love of art. “Is everything ok?” I asked once we were settled in our seats and I had merged into traffic. “You seem awfully quiet today” I nudged his shoulder when he didn’t say anything. “Hey…you know you can tell me anything right?” I asked as I looked over at him quickly before bringing my eyes back towards the road. “Is there something going on between you and Adam?” Adam had been on tour again at that time and I knew despite the fact that they had been together for a while and Drake supported his music career, he just never quite got used to the being apart aspect of it.

“I don’t know” He replied, a frown on his face as he glazed out the window in front of him. “We’re fine I guess. It’s just that this is the longest he’s been gone and the boys just keep getting prettier and younger and they all want him and he says he’s not sleeping with any of them, but I can’t help but wonder sometimes”

“You don’t really think that Adam is cheating on you…do you?” I rushed out, pulling the car over because I wasn’t expecting something so heavy to come out of his mouth. “What makes you think that he would ever consider it?”

“I don’t really think that he’s cheating on me” He amended, still staring out the window. “It’s just that each show that I go to there are just so many pretty boys out there vying for his attention. I mean look at me, I’m not really his type and yet he chose me and I guess that I’m just starting to feel as if it’s just a matter of time before he realizes what a mistake he’s made and decides to leave me”

I didn’t know why but I felt there was more to the story then he was telling me and I was determined that I wasn’t going to drive until I heard what it was. “You’re not telling me something” I started plainly. “Did something happen before Adam went on tour?”

I watched his face as he debated telling me, tears trickling down his face when he finally turned and looked at me. “I asked him to marry me and he turned me down” The tears fell faster as he sat before me looking so broken that he brought tears to my own eyes. “He said that he loved me, but that he wasn’t ready to make that kind of commitment to me”

“Well maybe he just needs more time” I said, Drake’s earlier question about my loving Adam starting to make sense.

“I asked him when he thought he would be ready, that I would be willing to give him more time as long as he agreed to marry me one day and he told me that I didn’t think that he would ever be ready to commit fully to a marriage between us” My heart broke as I watched him curl into himself, sobbing his heart out and yet I could only sit there speechless because as much as I didn’t want to believe it, something told me that I was a huge part of the reason that Adam wouldn’t marry Drake. “I don’t know what to do Kris” He cried out, jerking me from my thoughts as I unbuckled my seatbelt and pulled him into my arms. “I love him so much but I want more from him…I need more from him. I don’t want to give him a few more years of my life without a guarantee that there will be a total commitment between the two of us in the end”

“You’ve been committed to each other for that last several years Drake. You don’t need a piece of paper and a ceremony to prove that” I tried to reason with him, but I knew it was a reach at the way his body went stiff and he pulled away from me.

“I need that piece of paper and that ceremony” He spoke around a heavy swallow, a determination in his eyes that hadn’t been there before. I didn’t have to hear the words to know that the relationship between Adam and Drake was about to come to an end and as much as I wanted to choose a side, I couldn’t. They both had valid reasons for why they should or shouldn’t get married and yet I also knew that as much as I didn’t want to be part of the messy process of their breakup, that I was going to be just the same.

TBC...


	32. Chapter 32

Another couple of months passed as I still missed Cassidy and Drake and Adam continued to struggle with their relationship. I tried to be the good friend and be there for both of them as much as I could, but most times I just found myself frustrated because they wanted me to pick a side and yet I just couldn’t. I loved them both and they were each such a huge part of my life and I didn’t think that it was fair that they wanted me to choose between the two of them. Finally my patience wore thin after bickering and arguments between the two of them, and then with me as well. I lost it, told them they were both crazy at separate times and threatened to never speak to either of them again. I planned to keep that threat, but there seemed to be a reprieve between the two of them as Drake flew off to spend the final week with Adam during his tour and I was left alone to wonder if they would actually survive their battle while continuing to miss Cassidy. I really didn’t have much going on in terms of my music and I debated flying to Australia if only for a short time to spend with my boyfriend, but each time that I called to set something up he always had an excuse as to why I shouldn’t. With everything that was going on between Adam and Drake I found myself wondering if maybe Cassidy had found someone else and didn’t want to be with me anymore, but then I remembered what Jenna said to be and I tried really hard to focus on the positive and the day that we would actually be in each others presence once again.

 

I decided to throw a small party for Adam once his tour was over. It wasn’t anything extravagant, just a few of his close friends to help celebrate the huge success of his recent tour. As expected it had been a sell out success because lets face it Adam Lambert was a mega rock god and nobody expected anything else from him. It also gave me something to do because I missed them like crazy and it took my mind off of my own problems. The party itself was a rousing success as Adam regaled us with story after story of the tour and the antics that he and his band had been part of during it. Drake and Adam seemed to have worked out whatever problems they had and it made me happy to see them acting so kind and loving towards each other. It however made me miss Cassidy even more as I slipped out into the pool area of my apartment complex and tried to call the man that I loved. I was almost near tears as I reached his voicemail, because I hadn’t spoken much to him in the previous few days and when I had reached him he seemed preoccupied and rushed me off of the phone before I could find out why. “Cassidy…it’s Kris” I spoke into the phone, fed up and determined to put an end to our long distance romance. “I can’t do this anymore. I love you and I need to be with you. Jesus fuck…” I sighed, feeling so frustrated and so damn emotional. “This long distance thing is killing me” I spoke softer, sitting down on a lounge chair near the pool as I fought back the tears. “I don’t know what’s going on with you but I need to know that we are still real…that this is actually going to happen between us. I love you. Please call me” I wanted to curl into a ball and cry my heart out at just how sad I felt, but Adam’s drunk bellowing didn’t allow that as I put a smile on my face and tried to pretend that my world wasn’t falling apart around me.

 

“What the fuck are you doing out here all alone?” He grinned at me, throwing his arm around my shoulder as we stumbled back towards my apartment. “I have something for you”

 

“What?” I asked, rolling my eyes when he just gave me another playful grin.

 

“Be happy baby” He whispered in my ear, hugging me close before we reached the area where the party was still in full swing.

 

“CASSIDY” I cried out at the top of my lungs as I looked across the room and found the man I had been pining over standing there. “Oh my god Cassidy” I couldn’t get to him fast enough out of fear that he was just an apparition and I was losing my mind.

 

“Hey Precious” I heard him speak; proving to me that he was real because no one else had ever called me that nickname before.

 

“I can’t believe you’re here” I literally jumped into his open arms, my legs wrapped tightly around his waist, my arms around his neck as I kissed lips that I didn’t ever think I was going to feel against my own again. I was crying like a baby, tears rolling down my face and splashing on my neck, but I didn’t care as I continued to kiss Cassidy with every ounce of love I felt for him. “I’ve missed you so much” I continued to speak between kisses, not even caring that we had an audience because all that mattered was the I had Cassidy’s arms wrapped just as tightly around my body as I had his. Eventually my weight got to be to much as Cass placed me gently on the floor, but neither one of us relinquished body contact as we looked around the room and found it empty except for two grinning fools standing across the room from us. “How did you know?” I asked Adam, but I didn’t wait for an answer as I rushed over towards Drake and pulled him into my arms. “Thank you” I hiccupped against his ear because I knew he had been the one to tell Adam about my relationship with Cassidy when I still hadn’t been able too.

 

“I was hoping you weren’t going to be mad” He replied with a smile, looking over at Adam before looking back at me. “You just seemed too sad and lonely and it hurt me to know that you were hurting so much” I couldn’t have loved Drake any more at that moment as I hugged him once again.

 

“What about me, don’t I get any appreciation here?” Adam pouted, but it was a huge failure at the smile peeking out under that pout. “I mean I am the one that made all the arrangements and…”

 

“Thank you” I cut him off with a smile, rushing into his arms and hugging him with all my might. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you but thank you so much for understanding and bringing Cassidy here”

 

“I don’t know why you felt you couldn’t tell me, but we’ll leave that discussion for now so you can spend time with your boy” He nudged me towards Cassidy, his arm going around Drake’s waist as they both watched me happily trot over towards him and back into his arms. “I’m pretty sure you both will be busy for the next day or so, but lets get together once you’ve had your fill of each other” Adam laughed as he took Drakes hand and led him towards the door. I was at their sides before they left, hugging them both and thanking them once again for making me that happiest man on the planet.

 

“I can’t believe you’re really here” I said to Cassidy once they had left my apartment, wrapping my arms around his neck again because I just wanted him to hold me for a few moments more as the reality of the situation finally started to set in. “How are you here?” I asked, stepping back and looking up at him. “Why is it that you let Adam fly you here but you wouldn’t let me? How long are you staying for because…” His lips were on mine before I could ask anymore questions, but I didn’t care because there was time for those answers later as I took his hand, stumbling and kissing on the way to my bedroom where I planned to make love to Cassidy as we had that first night together in Australia.

 

The room was dark and my bed empty, but I knew I wasn’t alone at the soft murmur of a voice I heard coming from the lighted bathroom much later that night. My entire body ached as I slid out of the bed, a smile on my face because it was a just been fucked within an inch of your life kind of ache and I was ecstatic to feel it. He shot a playful wink my way as I leaned in against the wall as he sat on the toilet seat and continued his conversation. “Daddy loves you too baby” I heard him say as I rushed to his side, kneeling on the floor hoping that he would let me speak to Clara too. “Kris is here too, do you…” He didn’t get to finish his sentence before the phone was handed over to me. “She didn’t even let me finish my sentence” He chuckled as I took the phone, goofy grin on my face as I heard her childlike voice speaking to me. I talked to her for a few minutes before Cass decided to put the phone on speaker and we were both able to listen to her babble on about her day and the new dolly Cassidy had bought for her before he left. I could feel my heart swell when her mother told her it was time to go, and she told us both how much she missed us and loved us.

 

“Thank you for letting me talk to her” I said as we continued to sit in the bathroom, staring at his phone despite the fact that the call had been ended.

 

“She really loves you” He replied, running his fingers across the back of my head.

 

“I really love her” I moaned, closing my eyes as it turned into a gentle massage. “Cass?” I opened them a moment later at the deep sigh I heard coming from him.

 

“Do you love her enough to help me raise her?” He sounded so uncertain, pulling his hand out of my hair and lying it in his lap as he stared at himself in the mirror.

 

“I would love to help you raise her, but how would we do that?” I asked, looking at him through the mirror as well. “We haven’t even figured out how we’re going to be together” My heart suddenly felt heavy as I pulled my eyes away from the mirror and looked into the real ones. “You know I love you, but I can’t keep doing this long distance thing” My throat ached as I swallowed heavily, shifting over onto my backside, pulling my knees into my chest.

 

“I know I heard your phone message before I called Clara” He sounded so sad that it brought tears to my eyes. I didn’t say anything as he stood up, taking my hand and helping me off of the floor before leading me into the bedroom. The silence was heavy as I crawled across the bed, sitting on one side, while he sat on their other. “Adam called me several days ago and told me that you had confided to Drake that you were lonely and missing me” He began to explain because even though he had been back for several hours, I still had no idea why he was there in the first place. “He cursed me out and told me I was being a selfish bastard for not allowing you to take care of me financially. He went on for a good thirty minutes before he finally let me speak” We both laughed softly because we each knew how Adam could be when he went on a tirade. “The thing is Kris that the financial aspect is only a small part of my concern” He wouldn’t even look at me, the room falling into silence again as I waited for him to continue.

 

“What is it then?” I asked when he didn’t speak.

 

“I would have been here sooner, but I was waiting for Clara’s paperwork to clear” He said, still not making any sense to me.

 

“Paperwork for what?”

 

“Jenna has surrendered her parental rights to Clara and since she is technically an American citizen I had to go through lots of fucking red tape to be able to get her here”

 

“Wait…what?” I cried out, even more confused then I had been before. “Signed over her parental rights…but why?”

 

“I don’t really know. She told me one night after we had put Clara to bed. She said that it was all part of our destinies and that it was what she was supposed to do” Cassidy looked pained and even more confused then I did. “She’s cutting all ties to her once I bring her over here and it kills me to know that she won’t ever see her little girl again”

 

“Wait…what?” I yelled again, my voice even louder, my mind conflicted and confused as I tried to make sense of everything Cassidy had said. “Wait….wait…” I got a bit excited when it all started to process. “You started the paperwork to make her an American citizen…so you’re moving back to California” I was shaking in anticipation as I waited for Cassidy to say something. “Jesus fuck…Cass is it true. Is that what you’re afraid of…that I won’t want to help you raise your daughter?”

 

“I don’t have any money and there would be two of us and…”

 

“You stupid fucking fool” I laughed out loud, knocking him onto his back as I kissed him hard and heavy. “Do you really think that I give two shits that you don’t have any money? I’ve been trying for months to get you to come over here because I love you and I love your daughter Cassidy, you have to know that” I was laughing and crying all rolled into one as I continued to kiss him between words. “I have tons of money and none of it means anything without you in my life and that includes Clara, because I love you both so much” I was a blubbering mess as Cassidy pulled me into his arms and made love to me once again.

TBC...


	33. Chapter 33

Six weeks later Cassidy and I flew to Australia to pick up Clara and bring her back with us. I was excited to start a new life with my new family, but at the same time my heart was breaking as Cassidy’s was at the idea of Jenna never seeing her daughter again. I tried to talk to her, tried to convince her that we could make it work. I had even tried to tell her that I would be willing to set her up in an apartment in L.A., letting Clara live with her, while Cassidy and I lived nearby, but she wouldn’t even discuss it. The morning of our flight back to the States she asked me to take a walk with her and deep within my heart I already knew that I wasn’t going to like what she had to say. She told me that what she was about to tell me was private and to be kept between the two of us. I told her that I didn’t want to have secrets between Cassidy and myself, but she wasn’t detoured as she took my hand and continued to walk beside me in silence for a few moments. “I wasn’t meant to be her mother” She finally said, causing me to stumble because those words shocked me. “Please don’t misunderstand me” She rushed out, tugging me along when I started to lag behind a bit. “I love my daughter with all of my heart, but I knew before she was even born that I would not be the one to raise her. It’s been written in your destiny that you were going to be the one to raise her, with help” She smiled at me, tears glistening under her lashes. “You’re going to be a great father Kristopher Allen and it is because of that greatness that our child will fulfill her destiny”

I didn’t know what to think as she spouted on about destinies and how it was I was part of Clara’s, but I had to admit I loved the idea of being a father to that beautiful child. “I don’t know anything about raising a child. I was fourteen when my parents died. I was raised by horrible and unloving relatives. I wasn’t lucky enough to be raised by a family that loves me. What if I mess up and do something to hurt her? What if I don’t keep her on her destined path? I love her, but I don’t know anything about being a father” I was starting to have a panic attack, as I fought to pull air into my lungs, only to fight harder when it wasn’t happening.

“Look at me” I heard her say, but I couldn’t concentrate because I still couldn’t breath, my sight getting hazy as I continued to panic. “Look at me” She said again, hands on the side of my face as she forced me to look into her eyes. I didn’t know why but the moment I did I felt a calmness rollover me. “You’ve lost a lot in your life Kristopher and you’ve been hurt enough to make even a sane man lose his mind, but you’re strong and you have the kindest most loving heart I’ve ever seen. I’ve known about you for a long time and I know deep within my heart that you will be the most amazing father. You’re going to stumble along the way and you will make mistakes, but you will keep her on her chosen path and it will be an amazing journey”

“I’m scared” I admitted softly, ashamed. “I could just so easily screw up all of their lives”

“But you won’t. It is because of you that their lives will be so much better. You are the key Kristopher. You are the key that locks all of their lives together. You’re a very special person…you just have to believe it” I didn’t feel like a special person, but as she leaned forward and kissed me softly on the lips, I made a mental declaration to do everything in my being to not let her down.

I felt as if my life was a complete cluster fuck the moment we landed back in California and it scared me more then I let on that it had started at that level. The flight back had been a nightmare in itself with delays due to engine trouble and then two missed flights because of it. By the time we had landed in LAX we were all exhausted, dirty since we hadn’t been able to change our clothes in days and we were all more then ready to call it a day. Clara’s luggage never made it on the plane and no one could seem to tell us where it was or how long it was going to take to get it to us. The driver I had hired ahead of time to pick us up was nowhere to be seen and we were forced to take a cab to my apartment, but not before the lingering paparazzi spotted me and started chasing after us. There was chaos and madness as they screamed out the most inappropriate questions about Cassidy and Clara while taking a million pictures. Clara was petrified as she clung to Cassidy’s neck crying loudly as we each tried to sooth her. I was enraged when I asked them to leave us alone because they were upsetting her, more pictures and stupid questions being yelled out instead. I snapped when one bold fucker had the nerve to run behind Cassidy and try to take pictures of Clara’s face, my roughly thrown suitcase knocking him and his camera to the ground. I couldn’t help but laugh as his camera hit the pavement before he did and the string of vulgarities and threats he yelled at me afterwards. I didn’t care though as I grabbed onto Cassidy’s hand and helped him into the first cab we came up upon.

It didn’t get any better once we got home, my apartment having no electricity because someone on my payroll hadn’t paid the bill. I was ready for heads to roll as I locked myself in the bedroom and called my manager, proceeding to curse her a blue streak for letting such a thing happen. It was nearly two hours before we got the power back and by then none of us wanted anything more then to go to sleep. I didn’t think twice as the three of us curled up on our bed and fell asleep snuggled tightly against each other. I had only slept an hour when I woke up, feeling miserable and like such a failure as I snuck out of bed and walked into the living room in order to be alone. It was so early in the morning, but I needed to talk to someone as I picked up my cell phone and called Adam’s number. “Kris…” I heard his sleep filled voice murmur through the phone, but I didn’t say anything due to the large lump lodged deep within my throat. “Kris…are you there? Is something wrong?” I could hear the concern in his voice as I took a deep breath and began to tell him everything that had happened and how much of a failure I had become in such a short amount of time. “Jesus Christ Kris why didn’t you just call me and tell me what had happened?” He asked, but I didn’t answer. “I could have booked you a private jet to get you all back home” I wanted to bang my head on the coffee table at not having even thought about calling Adam because the truth of the matter was that Adam was such a huge mega star that I knew that he could have actually done that without batting an eye.

“I’ll keep that in mind for next time” I chuckled softly at just how insane my life was with Adam back in it and how much it was going to change now that I had Cassidy and Clara in it as well.

“You know I could just buy us one anyway” He went on, sounding more awake as I heard the sheets rustling in the background.

“You’re not buying me a private jet Adam” I rolled my eyes, an actual smile on my face that time because I knew that if I had asked him he would have done it.

“No…it wouldn’t be just for you. It would be for all of us, for like when we want to go on vacations or need to fly home while on tour because we miss our family. It just makes sense and it’s a good investment too” I loved how Adam just inserted himself into my new family and yet at the same time it made sense with the past that the three of us shared. Closing my eyes I could actually see all of us, including Drake going on family vacations together, doing something that normal families do. At that moment I didn’t feel so afraid anymore because I knew that as long as I had Adam and Drake in my life that everything was going to be ok. “It’s going to be ok you know” He pulled me from my thoughts as Cassidy emerged from the bedroom and sat down beside me. “We’re family Kris and we take care of each other. You’re not doing this alone” It still shocked me a little that Adam knew what I was feeling without even having to say a word, but at the same time it made me feel loved and secure as well.

“I know and I appreciate that” I sighed, snuggling into Cassidy’s side when he wrapped his arm around me, kissing me on the side of my head.

“Besides…I’m dying to meet the little princess. I’ve never told anyone this before, but I always thought that when I had a kid it was going to be a girl. Can you imagine all the fun we are going to have playing dress up and all the glitter Kris…the glitter” I heard a giddiness to his voice that actually made me laugh out loud, Cassidy looking at me as if I had lost my mind.

“You’re not turning my daughter into a drag queen Adam” I laughed again, Cassidy giggling beside me with a look of knowing on his face.

“Well you better think again baby because she’s going to be raised by two of them, her father being one of them” I had to laugh yet again as I recalled some of the crazy outfits with full on make up Cassidy and Adam used to wear years earlier, nothing had changed with Adam since then and I was sure that it was going to be about the same for Cassidy.

“Well thank goodness she has someone else in her life with normal fashion sense” I stated proudly, crying out and reaching for the phone when Cassidy snatched it away, speaking to Adam instead.

“Adam says if you even think about trying to dress her like you…you better think again king of all things plaid and boring” I about fell on the floor in laugher because our poor baby didn’t have a chance when it came to fashion and yet at the same time I knew that she was going to be loved and cared for unlike any child had ever been before. Later that morning after hanging up with Adam, and assuring that Cassidy was asleep once again, I dropped to my knees and prayed to a god that I hadn’t prayed to in a long time. I thanked him for all the blessings in my life and I asked him to keep watch over the people that I loved and who meant the most to me.

TBC...


	34. Chapter 34

Adam and Drake showed up at my apartment bright and early the next morning loaded down with many grocery bags and I couldn’t have been more grateful because none of us had eaten in nearly twenty-four hours. “I figured you hadn’t had time to go grocery shopping and it gives us a chance to bond with our new baby” Adam grinned as he dropped the bags in his hand on the counter and went to stand beside Drake who was in the kitchen. “Now where is she?” He asked, pretending not to see Clara peeking out behind my legs as he looked around the room. “I hope she’s hungry because I can’t eat all these yummy donuts by myself” He smiled as he reached behind him on the counter, kneeling down as he held the open box of colorful donuts in front of us. “Can you help me eat some of these?” He asked in a soft voice as I found myself getting all choked up at the scene playing out before me. “I’m Adam” He continued to talk to her in such a loving way as she stepped out from behind my legs and slowly walked towards him. “What’s your name?”

“Clara” She replied shyly and I couldn’t help but smile because as cautious as she was being, she was still gravitating towards him.

“He can even charm little children” I whispered, leaning into Cassidy when he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me.

“It’s what he does best” He laughed softly against my ear as we watched Clara take a donut from the box, letting Adam pick her up and hold her.

"This is Drake" He said as he placed his hand on Drake's shoulder.

"Hi Drake" Clara said with a smile, leaning forward and hugging him around the neck before pulling back up into Adam's arms

"Well aren't you just a sweetheart" Adam cooed, closing his eyes and holding her close when she hugged him next. I kept a smile on my face, but I didn't like the look on Drake's face or how standoffish he seemed to be with his body language.

"Hey...why don't you guys go and sit in the living room and get to know each other while Drake and I put these groceries away" I said, turning to face Cassidy and giving him a look that I hoped read that I wanted to talk to Drake alone.

"Um...yeah...come on baby and you can tell Adam all about your trip to California" I smiled at him when he got the hint, squeezing his butt playfully when he leaned down to kiss me.

"Thanks for doing this" I nodded towards the counter as I grabbed several of the bags and began to unpack them. "Cassidy and I didn't even think about groceries once we got home. Hell, we haven't even thought about a bedroom set for Clara. This just all happened so fast, but I wouldn't change anything" I grinned over at him, but he didn't return it. "Drake...you ok"

"I'm fine" He shrugged his shoulders, grabbing a bag and turning his back towards me.

"Everything ok with you and Adam?" I continued to question him because I knew there was something off about him.

"Were fine" I could tell he was lying and I was determined to find out why.

"Drake, I've know you for a long time and I can tell when something is bothering you" I reminded as I took the bag from his hand and made him turn around to face me. "Talk to me".

I watched as he hesitates for a moment before he looked at me with unease in his eyes. "I don't like kids"

I was kind of taken aback for a moment because I just assumed that he would accept Clara just as easily as Adam did. "I know that Clara just popped into our lives, but it isn't like you and Adam will be raising her. Cassidy and I will..." He didn't give me a chance to say anymore as he grabbed onto a few bags still on the counter and walked towards the other side of the kitchen. I didn’t say anything when he just stood there, head hung low for a moment before he turned around and stalked back over towards me.

"Its all he's been talking about since you told him she was coming. He was obsessed before he even met her and now...look at him" We both looked through the partition between the kitchen and living area watching as Adam and Clara sat on the couch, heads together talking in whispers as Cassidy napped beside them. "He's already in love with her. He's always wanted kids, I knew that but I never imagined he would actually get one"

“Drake…she’s a child of course he loves her and if you just get to know her then I am sure that you will love her too” I tried to assure him, even though I could tell by the look in his eye that he had no intentions of getting to know her at all.

“No…” He shook his head determinedly. “I’ve never wanted kids. Forgive me Kris, but I don’t want anything to do with Cassidy’s child” I found myself floored as I opened my mouth several times to speak, but nothing came out. I had no idea how I was supposed to respond to his statement and what it would mean to the close knit family unit we had been before Clara had come into our lives.

“Everything ok in here?” I heard Cassidy ask as I turned and found him leaning lazily against the wall between the hallway and the kitchen. “Clara’s still hungry even after the donuts so I thought that I would make us some breakfast” I knew he could tell there was something going on between Drake and I, but Drake didn’t give him a chance to do anything as he pushed his way past us, announcing over his shoulder that he had something to take care of and had to leave. I watched as Adam told Clara to come to us in the kitchen before chasing after Drake as he stormed out the door. “Was it something I said?” He asked as he picked up Clara and kissed her on her forehead.

“Let’s make breakfast and we’ll talk about it later” I replied, turning away from them both to take a moment because I just knew that my friendship with Drake was now in jeopardy as well as the relationship between him and Adam. “Everything ok?” I asked several minutes later when Adam came back into the house, but I could tell just by the look on his face that nothing was ok.

"Everything is fine" He returned with such a fake smile that it hurt my heart. "He just had a thing to do" He shrugged. "So, what's for breakfast?" I didn't even try to argue with him as I began pulling out the ingredients needed to make pancakes. "So...tell me Kris" Adam said as I set a full plate of pancakes on the table. "What exactly is this ensemble we have going on here?" He grinned, pointing at the oversized t-shirt I had put Clara in before we had gone to bed the night before.

"Why it's the latest in L.A. Fashion" I spoke in my best announcer’s voice as I reached around the table and tickled Clara.

"Fashion is never a joke Kristopher" Adam replied horrified and I couldn't tell if he was serious or joking. "Don't you worry Princess with Uncle Adam around you will always be dressed in the latest fashions" The look he shared with Cassidy and I let us know rather quickly that it was anything but a joke. I watched as he grabbed his phone, rambling off a bunch of names to his on call assistant before placing it back in his pocket. "We will never speak of this horrible outfit again" He waggled his finger at us before digging into the pancake stack.

"You do know that we plan to dress her better then this" I mock glared at him across the table. "The airline lost her luggage and it wasn't like we could just go shopping for clothes once we got home"

"Excuses...its fashion and there is always time to shop. Lucky for you I have connections" Was his retort as he threw his hands up in the air. “Oh baby…you are so lucky that you have me in your life” He winked at Clara, the two of them falling into a fit of giggles.

"What does that mean?" I asked fearful of the answer and then the doorbell rang and that fear grew ten fold. "What did you do?"

I didn't get an answer as I watched him pluck Clara out of her seat and trot towards the front door. "Come in...come in" I heard his exclaim as he threw open the door and several people rushed in with actual racks of clothing. It was chaos and madness as more and more people crowded into our apartment.

"So should we do something?" Cassidy asked as we continued to watch these different people gushing over them selves to get Adam's attention.

"I don't know about you, but I know I'm not getting anywhere near Adam and his fashion" I replied with a mock shutter as I got up and straddled his lap. "Let him have his fun and we can have ours" I winked at him before I leaned in for a kiss. "I love you so much" I murmured between kisses. "And I'm so happy that you're here now"

"Are you really?" He asked and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why he looked so unsure.

"Mmmhmmm...very very happy" I continued to kiss him, running my hands into his hair as I increased the velocity. We made out for a long time until I felt a tug at my leg and found Clara standing before me in a very colorful and sparkly get up. "Really Adam" I laughed, scooping her up and sitting her between Cassidy and myself. "You look amazing baby. Do you like it?" I asked, kissing her cheek at the bright smile I got as an answer.

"She looks amazing doesn't she" Adam was practically vibrating as he stood next to us.

"You have fashion people on speed dial?" I asked, but Adam was a huge star and kind of everywhere, so it was really a dumb thing to ask.

"I have everyone on speed dial" He replied with a wink, once again plucking Clara away from us as he ran back into the living room.

"No make up" I hollered, laughing at the raised eyebrow I got from him when he turned around to face me. "I mean it" I said sterner with my own eyebrow raised. "You know he's going to spoil our daughter rotten" I grinned at Cassidy.

"You really love her don't you?" Again he looked so unsure.

"I love her and you with all my heart and soul" I assured, kissing him hungrily, before wrapping my arms around his neck and holding him close. "You're both my family

"I love the idea that we are part of your family...our family" He replied, leaning in to kiss me once again.

"Oh my god they have glitter eye shadow" I heard Adam cry out.

"No make up" Cassidy and I cried out in unison, scrambling off of the chair before Adam truly did turn our daughter into a drag queen.

TBC...


	35. Chapter 35

I hadn't really thought of Drake much that day, instead having to veto several of the outfits Adam wanted to buy, along with several pairs of shoes and the makeup he tried to sneak in from time to time. However, later that night after Cassidy and I had settled Clara down for the night a phone call from Adam changed that. “He wasn’t here when I got back and most of his things are gone” I could tell he was in shock as Cassidy and I listened to him on speakerphone in the living room. “I knew he was upset with me but I didn’t think that it was to the point that he would just up and leave without us talking about it. I just don’t know what to do”

“Why don’t you come stay with us” I blurted out before I even thought to talk with Cassidy about it. I still wasn’t used to living with someone and having a partner to share things with, but at the nod of approval I got from him I knew that I didn’t have anything to worry about. “You can stay in the spare bedroom and Cassidy and I can sleep with Clara in our bed”

“She’s a little old to be sleeping in the bed with you two don’t you think?” Adam asked, his voice small and unsure.

“We’re going to buy her a bedroom set sometime this week. We just ran out of time before we had to go pick her up from Australia” I explained.

“Don’t worry I’ll have my assistant make a call tomorrow and it will be done by the end of the day. I know she likes the color pink and unicorns so it shouldn’t be hard to turn her room into something sparkling and amazing” I should have been surprised that he knew what Clara liked before I did, because I knew that the two of them had already bonded and something told me that they were going to share a closeness between them for the rest of their lives. I felt kind of silly thinking it, but something told me that Adam was meant to be a guiding force in Clara’s life and it made me feel so much better about his role in all of our lives.

“Adam…are you going to be ok?”

“Truth be told it’s been coming for awhile now” He replied instead of answering my question. “We tried to make it work over and over again, but you shouldn’t have to work so hard for something if it’s meant to be. I’ll miss him and I do love him, but I’m actually kind of relived that it’s over”

“And is it over?” I asked, because I really wanted him to think about his relationship with Drake before he made any final decisions.

“It’s over” He replied sadly. “We’ve been fighting to stay together for too long and the truth of the matter is I knew when we first started this that he wasn’t the right one. Did you know that he wanted to get married?” I didn’t say anything about the conversation Drake and I had about Adam’s refusal to marry him. “He asked me and the first thing I thought was…he’s not the one. I have nothing against marriage and I do want to get married someday, but he just wasn’t the one”

I felt Cassidy stiffen beside me for a moment, but he had a smile on his face when I looked over at him. “You ok?” I mouthed his reply a sweet kiss before he pulled me into his arms. “Do you want to come over?” I asked, feeling completely exhausted all of a sudden, still not recovered from our nightmarish flight and then the drama surrounding Adam and Drake.

“I’m good…but thanks” Adam replied quickly. “I’m just going to go to bed and try and forgot about this for just a little bit. I’m ok though” He tried to assure us, but neither Cassidy or myself believed him for a second. “I’ll be over in the morning. Like I said I’ll have my assistant call someone and we can get that bedroom finished so our princess has her own place to sleep tomorrow night”

“Adam…you don’t have to do this”

“I know…but I want to, so just let me ok”

“We’ll see you tomorrow then” Cassidy replied. “We both have our cell phones on so call us if you need us”

“I’ll be ok. See you both in the morning” I wanted to cry as I heard the line disconnect, leaning heavily into Cassidy’s side when he wrapped his arms tighter around me.

“I hate that he’s hurting” He said, lying his cheek on the top of my head.

“I know me too” I sighed, closing my eyes and praying to a higher power that they were both going to get through this without hurting each other too much in the end.

“Come on lets go to bed” He guided me towards our bedroom, thankful that he was holding me because truthfully I didn’t know if I would have made it to the room by myself. “You look exhausted baby” He said as we stood before the bed. I could see he was concerned as I leaned up and kissed him softly.

“I’m ok. You go on and I’ll be there in a minute” I said as I watched him change for bed. “I want to call Drake and make sure he’s ok” I replied kissing him again, still exhausted but needing to check on my friend. “I love you Cassidy” I told him because I had the feeling that he needed to hear it again. “I really, really love you. I just want you to know that this is real for me and that I don’t have any lingering feelings for Adam. You’re the one for me, the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with”

“Thank you” He smiled at me with a glisten of tears in his eyes. “I know that I shouldn’t but I guess I just needed to hear that. I guess that I’m still trying to adjust to the fact that you and I are really together once again and that you love Clara and want to be a part of her life and then there’s Adam” He sighed. “I know that I shouldn’t, but I can’t help but feel a little bit of jealously, maybe even some concern at how close the two of you are again. I sometimes feel as if we are back all those years ago and I guess a part of me is waiting for…”

“Me to break your heart again and choose Adam” I finished for him, tears in my own eyes because I could see why he would feel that way. “I know I hurt you Cassidy and it’s been a pain in my heart that I’ve had to live with since it happened. I don’t know what I can do except tell you that there is a part of me that will always love Adam, but I’m not in love with him anymore. Even I have to admit that this feels all so surreal sometimes because never in a million years would I think that Adam and I would be friends again and that the love that I felt for you so many years ago would blossom again” We both chuckled at my choice of words. “I mean it…I choose you. I love you and I will do everything in my power to prove to you how much I mean those words. You and Clara are my life now and yes Adam is a part of that life, but it will always be the two of you that come first and foremost in everything”

"Drake can wait" He rushed out, grabbing onto my hand and dragging me out into the living room. "I love you Precious...I love you so much" He ground out as he stripped me of my clothes, practically ripping his off as well before he brought the two of us down to the couch. Our love making was frenzied and needy but I think that it was something that we both needed. Afterwards we showered quickly before climbing into bed and snuggling together with our daughter, both of us feeling more secure in our relationship as we drifted off to sleep.

TBC...


	36. Chapter 36

As expected Adam showed up bright and early the next morning with a mass of people who traipsed throughout my apartment while bringing in bedroom furniture and such. At Adams insistence we were not allowed to see anything until it was done, so we dressed Clara up in one of the outfits Adam had bought for her and headed out for the day. I didn't know what we were going to find when we came back, but Clara was beside herself with excitement and I had to admit that I was as well. We spent the day taking her to the park and then running some errands for things we would need for our home. "Do you think it’s safe to go home?" I asked Cassidy as we sat in the driveway of the shopping plaza we had been shopping in.

“He hasn’t called yet, so we could be taking our life into our own hands if we just walk in” He grinned over at me.

“I’m willing to risk it. I’m tired and Clara needs to be put down for a nap” I said, looking through the rear view mirror at our sleeping child, bundled up in her car seat. It hit me right then and there just how easily I had taken to being a father and knowing what my child needed. I had to chuckle to myself as I recalled the panic attack I had had in front of Jenna because I was sure that I was going to screw Clara’s life up with my inability. I knew I was still going to make some mistakes, but I didn’t feel so panicked anymore, instead I felt a bit proud.

“What’s so funny?” Cassidy asked me.

“I was just thinking about how panicked I was when Jenna told me that I was going to be a dad” I replied, reaching over and taking his hand into mine. “But it just dawned on me that I can actually do this because I have you beside me and you’re an amazing dad”

“I never doubted for a second that you weren’t going to be a great dad” I could tell he meant those words by the look of love I saw shining at me though his eyes.

“Thank you” I beamed, leaning over and giving him a lingering kiss before starting the car and heading back towards our home. "Do you think it would be bad parenting to send Clara in first?" I asked with a playful smile once we pulled into my parking garage.

"Adam would kill us first before he harmed a hair on her head" He shot back with a wink, a playful smile on his face as well.

"Uncle Adam loves me" We heard Clara announce from the back seat with the biggest smile on her face. "He's going to put unicorns on my wall and glitter everywhere" I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at the idea of all the glitter I was going to have to deal with in my life thanks to Adam and his love of it. "I love glitter"

"I love glitter too" Cassidy giggled, looking at me with that same playful smirk on his face.

"I’m totally out numbered here" I mock sighed, opening up the door and sliding out. "Come on glitter girl...let's go see what your Uncle Adam has waiting for you"

"I don't remember calling you" Adam told us as we stood in the hallway in front of my apartment a few minutes later.

"How did you even know we were here?" I asked because we hadn't called him either.

"I told the front desk to alert me when you showed back up" He grinned, leaning against the doorframe as we continued to stand there.

"Is there anyone other then me who won't do everything you ask?" I rolled my eyes at the shit eating grin he was shooting my way.

"Nope and even you can't say no to me all of the time" He laughed, reaching out and taking Clara's hand, leading her inside. "Are you ready to see your new room Princess?" I could tell he was just as excited as she was as they practically ran down the hallway. "Close your eyes" He told her, picking her up and covering them despite the fact she had already closed them. "Are you ready?" He asked again, looking so young and vibrant as he bounced up and down in his leather boots.

"I'm ready Uncle Adam...please" She squealed vibrating in his arms as he continued to hold her.

“I don’t know if I’m ready” I whispered to Cassidy, but not low enough that Adam didn’t hear me anyway.

“I heard that” He confirmed my suspicion as he turned and looked at me for a brief moment before walking with Clara into her new room.

“It’s so pretty” I heard her cry out when he removed his hand and placed her on the floor. “Oh my goodness Uncle Adam, it’s so pretty” She repeated, disappearing from my sight as she ran to the other side of the room.

I didn’t know what I was going to find as I cautiously entered the room myself, my mouth falling open and not for the reasons I had expected. “Wow” Was all I could say as I took in the surrounding area. “It’s nothing like I thought it would be”

“Yes, I’m sure you thought that it was going to be a drag queens haven, but even I have restraint when it comes to children” He tried to laugh it off, but I could tell that his feelings were hurt and I wasn’t sure if it was because of what I had said or if he was still smarting over the fact that Drake had left him.

“I’m sorry for ever doubting you” I said as I walked up to him and hugged him. “It’s absolutely beautiful and look at her, she loves it” I stepped back and motioned for him to look at Clara. The room really was amazing to look at, the walls done up in a pale pink the furniture a simple white with matching pink accents. The bed was quite large, but it looked comfy and inviting with a white and purple unicorn bedspread and different colored pillows to match. On the wall over the head board were three unicorn framed pictures, but each background a different shade of color. Their were two different sets of shelves on each side of the room that already held some of the things Clara had brought with her from home and for some reason it brought a tear to my eye. In one corner of the room there was a large stuffed unicorn that was large enough for her to sleep on as well as a toy box over flowing with toys. In the other corner there was a table and chair, that I couldn’t see her getting much use out of then but I could see her doing her homework there as she got older. “This must have cost you a fortune” I said as I continued to take everything in.

“Didn’t cost me a dime” He grinned, sitting down on the floor next to Clara as she played with the stuffed unicorn.

“Huh?” I questioned because I knew he was a rock god and usually got what he wanted, but I seriously doubted that that would include such a beautiful bedroom set and all the work that had been done.

“I just have to give them a few verbal endorsements and it’s all covered”

“You hate doing endorsements” I cried out, recalling how pissed off he had gotten when his management team had asked him to do several commercial endorsements for a couple of companies just a few months before hand.

“This one was worth it” He shrugged it off, picking up a smaller unicorn and talking in some strange voice to Clara letting me know that the conversation was over.

I didn’t know what to think as I slumped against Cassidy who had been standing quietly beside me. “Come on baby you look tired. Adam…the room looks amazing” He nodded towards Adam with a smile. “I’m going to put this one down for a nap and then I’ll come back and put that one down”

“I’m not a baby” I mumbled in protest but followed him just the same when he took my hand and led me towards our own room. I still didn’t protest when he pulled the comforter down and helped me slide under it

“I’m going to go put Clara down for her nap and then I’m going to come and join you” I vaguely heard him say as I closed my eyes and fell instantly asleep. I felt so much better when I woke up several hours later, Cassidy sleeping soundly beside me. Getting up I walked into Clara’s room, chuckling under my breath at the sight of her curled up in her new bed, the oversized unicorn tucked under the covers beside her.

“I tried to get her to sleep without it, but it wasn’t happening” I heard Adam speak behind me, making me jump because I thought he had left as I turned around to face him.

“I’d thought you be gone by now” I said as the two of us walked into the living room.

“I can leave if you want me to” He sounded so sad and it caused me to roll my eyes as I grabbed his hand and pushed him onto the couch before I sat down beside him.

“You know you are always welcome here” I rolled my eyes again, curling into the cushion and closing my eyes for a moment. “I wish I could get over this jet lag” I sighed, opening them up again and finding Adam staring at me. “What?” I asked, sitting up because I was kind of uncomfortable at the look.

“Nothing” He shook his head, biting at his bottom lip, his eyes locked across the room for a moment before he turned them back towards me. “You and Drake are good friends…” He paused for a moment again before speaking. “Did he ever say anything to you about leaving me?” The sadness in his voice broke my heart as I debated telling him about the lunch Drake and I had had weeks prior. “I know he must have said something to you”

“He never came out and said that he was leaving, but the implications were there” I decided to tell him the truth. “He told me that he asked you to marry him and that you turned him down. He didn’t say much after that” I opted to leave out the part where he also kept bringing up the fact that kept hinting that Adam might have been tempted by the pretty boys at his shows.

“I love Drake, but I just can’t see myself settling down and marrying him. It’s just never felt right…do you know what I mean” I did know what he meant, but I kept my mouth shut as bits of Jenna’s first conversation with me floated through my mind. “I’m meant to get married and have a family I know this, but it’s not with him” Again I didn’t say anything because I knew that Adam believed in some of that shit Jenna had spouted to me, but I didn’t know how much and something just told me to keep my mouth shut. “I hope the two of you still remain friends” He pulled me from my thoughts as I looked into his eyes and saw nothing but the truth there.

“Did you talk to him this morning?” I asked, berating myself for not thinking to ask him about it earlier.

“We did” He confirmed, grabbing onto a throw pillow and playing with it. “We both agreed that this was for the best and that we would try and remain friends, but you know how that goes usually” He looked so sad as I reached out and took his hand into mine. “I meant what I said though; I do want you two to remain friends. I know how close you got and I would hate to think that us breaking up would come between that. I told him that too and he said that he would call you soon”

“Ok…” I replied, feeling so guilty for waiting so long to check on my friend. “I am really sorry that it didn’t work out”

“I know and thanks” He smiled sadly at me, giving my hand a squeeze before getting up. “And on that note I’m going to head home. I’ve got studio time set up in the morning and I’m going to sound like shit if I don’t get some rest”

“Adam wait…” I cried out as I pushed myself off of the couch, lunging into his body as I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged the shit out of him. “Thank you so much for Clara’s room, for everything and I want you to know that you are welcome here anytime. I mean it…” I continued, stepping back. “You are part of this family and family always takes care of each other” I hugged him again, kissing him on the cheek softly as I reminded him of when he had said those very words to me earlier.

“I know” He replied with a beaming smile before he left and all I could do was roll my eyes and grin like an idiot at his cockiness and the fact that I knew everything was going to be alright.

TBC...


	37. Chapter 37

Our life fell into a normal pattern after that as I began to work on my third album, trying to work touring into my schedule while also trying to keep as close to home as I could. Adam was off touring Europe, checking in every few days and spoiling Clara rotten as he sent little gifts and such from every place he visited. Cassidy had tried to get back into his music, but after having door upon door slammed in his face, he finally gave up and pretty much became an at home dad. Adam and I both tried to help him, but he declined both offers stating that if he couldn’t do it on his own he didn’t want to do it at all. I could understand where he was coming from on one hand, but at the same time it was clear to everyone that he wasn’t happy about it. Clara had started school that year and so he was alone a lot of the time and as much as I tried to keep him happy and occupied he really was anything but. “I don’t know what to do” I said one night to Adam on the phone while Cassidy was putting Clara to bed. “He won’t let us help him and yet he’s so fucking unhappy” I sighed, feeling frustrated that I couldn’t help the man that I loved and a little bit nervous that it was starting to turn into a situation from our past.

“You have to see it from his point of view” Was his reply, causing me to bite my lip or tell him off because I did see it from his point of view; it just didn’t help with my frustration. “Cassidy is a very creative and intelligent person and he’s just frustrated that he can’t let those creative juices flow. Just give him some time and everything will work out” I didn’t know if I believe him, but I didn’t have a chance to harp on it as Cassidy walked into our room and laid down on the bed beside me.

We talked to Adam on speaker phone for nearly an hour listening to him complain about the tailor they had hired for his new tour and how incompetent she was. “I’m mean what the hell were they thinking when they hired a middle aged straight woman. I’m gay for fucks sake and a huge queen on top of that. How did they think this was going to end well? I mean I asked for a leather extravaganza and I ended up with a bargain basement leather coat. I had no choice but to fire her after that” I felt bad for the lady I had never met, but at the same time I couldn’t help but laugh at the look of horror that must have been on Adam’s face when he didn’t get what he wanted. “She’ll be paid for the full tour, but I just can’t have her lack of fashion sense bringing me down. I’m Adam fucking Lambert for fucks sake” I was nearly falling off of the bed in laughter, but I could tell that Cassidy wasn’t even listening as he sat there with a strange look on his face.

“You ok Cass?” I asked, not getting an answer as he got up off of the bed and started opening and closing drawers until he found what he was looking for.

“I’m fine baby” He smiled at me, kissing me on the lips as he sat down beside me again. “Describe this coat of yours again” He said to Adam, his fingers working furiously across the pad of paper that he had brought back with him. I watched as the mess of lines and shadow began to form into what seemed to fit the description Adam had described. “Shh…” He winked at me when I was about to say something. I had no idea why he was forcing me to keep quiet, but I did as he asked and kept my mouth shut as they continued to talk about fashion. I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up later I was alone.

“What are you doing?” I asked as I blinked my eyes walking into the brightly lit kitchen and found what looked to be hundreds of sketches surrounding Cassidy.

“I was thinking about Adam’s coat and how easy it would be for me to make it and then I just got his rush of inspiration and this is what came about” He was practically giddy with excitement as he gathered a few of the papers up off of the table and brought them over towards me. “I’d like to make it” He held up the one particular drawing of Adam’s leather coat. “Or at least I’d like to try and I was wondering…” The excitement from his eyes disappeared as he placed the drawing on the table and sat down.

“I have complete and total faith in you” I rushed out, kneeling before him as I looked him straight in his eyes. "If you want to do this then do it baby"

"I don't have any money and..."

"Last time I checked your name was on the checking account and the credit cards" I reminded with a nudge to his legs, not letting him finish what he was about to say.

"None of that money is mine" He sounded so sad that it made my heart ache.

"Every cent of it belongs to you because what's mine is yours and vice versa" I nudged his leg again, lying my hands on his knees.

"Kris, it could be a couple thousand dollars" He said with a frown.

"So..." I shrugged, pushing his legs apart and invading his personal space. "I happen to be a pretty successful recording artist and I just happen to know there's lots more then a couple of thousand dollars in there. I haven't seen you look this excited since you got here and if this is something you want to do and it makes you happy then do it"

"You make me happy Kris"

"And this will make you happier" I beamed at him, kissing him to prove my point before getting up and trotting into our bedroom.

"Where are you going?" I heard him call out to me, but I didn't have to say anything as I came back into the kitchen with his credit card in my hand.

"Use it" I said as I placed it in his hand. "I'm going back to bed. You coming?" I winked over my shoulder, running towards the bed room with him chasing behind me.

For the next several weeks Cassidy worked on his project while I took care of Clara and the household duties. I couldn't have been prouder of him as he worked long into the night, coming to bed with a smile on his face and a spring in his step. I couldn't believe the change in him and it made me happy that he had seemed to finally find his purpose. He not only ended up making the jacket Adam had been hoping for, but a whole line of clothing that went along with it. Personally I didn’t understand the mixture of leather, feathers and bold colors, but I knew that Adam was going to love ever single piece that Cass had worked on once he laid eyes on them.

I thought Adam was going to have a heart attack when he came to visit us one night after his European tour had ended and Cassidy had shown him the jacket. He was speechless as he examined the coat, running him hands up and down the expanse of the leather as if it were the most precious thing in the world. He nearly choked on his tongue as he was presented the other pieces to go along with it as well, stammering and stuttering as Cassidy and I sat together on the couch and watched him. “It’s amazing isn’t it?” I asked, laughing happily at the blush that raced across my lovers face and the squeal of excitement that erupted from Adam as he threw himself between Cassidy and me, his hands flying a mile a minute as he demanded that Cassidy become his full time costume director for his up coming American tour. I watched as his face lit up when Adam put him on his payroll, assuring that with his promotion it was just a matter of time before Cassidy’s clothing line was going to be a house hold name. I didn’t doubt for a second that a single endorsement from Adam would do just that and I found myself sending out thanks to a higher power that once again everything in my life seemed to be falling into place.

As promised Adam raved whenever he could about his costumes for his new tour and the brilliant mind that had come up with the designs. He took Cassidy with him as much as he could, making sure to get his name and his face out there. I was grateful that he was returning the favor and helping Cassidy as he had helped him, but I wondered why he was pushing it as hard as he could. I found out several weeks after his tour as I came home from a recording session and found the two of them waiting for me in the living room. “What’s up?” I asked as they both stared at me through nervous eyes. “What?” I cried out when they just continued to sit there and stare at me. “Is everything ok?” Where’s Clara?” I began to panic, rushing towards her room because I just knew that something had to be wrong.

“Clara’s fine” Cassidy called out after me as he walked towards me and led me into the living room. “I just need to talk to you about something and we thought that it might be easier if she wasn’t here”

“Where is she?” I asked, falling heavily onto the love seat because something told me that I needed to be sitting down for whatever they were about to tell me. “Are you ok?” I felt the panic rise again as I reached out and placed my hands on both sides of Cassidy’s face.

“She’s with my mother” Adam said from the other side of the room. My heart started to beat a little easier knowing that Clara was ok because Adam’s mother loved her as if she were her own grandchild.

“Are you ok?” I asked again.

“I’m fine and Adam’s fine too” He replied as he sat down next to me, taking my hands into his. “We just need to talk to you about something baby”

“So you keep saying…well them just tell me because the suspense is fucking killing me here” I was getting upset and it only got worse when Adam started laughing. “I’m glad you think this is so funny”

“Jesus Cass, just put him out of his misery already” He continued to laugh, but I ignored him as I turned my eyes on the quiet man beside me.

“Just tell me Cass” I gave his hand a squeeze.

“I want to start up my own clothing line” He blurted out, pulling his eyes to the floor as if he couldn’t look at me any longer.

“You want to start your own clothing line?” I repeated, my heart racing in my chest and yet for a completely different reason. “Jesus Christ you two…I thought someone had died or something. I think that’s a wonderful idea Cass” I lunged forward and plastered him to the loveseat, kissing him as if to prove how excited I was for him.

“You do?” He asked between kisses, actually looking shocked that I was excited as I was.

“Yes…why wouldn’t I be?”

“It’s going to cost more money and there’s no guarantee that I could even find anyone to buy it and…”

“Please…Adam Lambert is your best friend and I happen to know he loves your work. You’ll be lucky if you have anything to sell to the public once he picks through what you’ve created” I giggled, blowing Adam a kiss when he flipped me off, but with a smile on his face.

“Well Adam is going to be my partner. He’s such a huge star and can really get my name out there”

“Please…your work is good. Even without my pushing your product it would only be a matter of time before you made it. You can do this, I’m just helping to speed it along” I wanted to kiss Adam so hard at the time, but I kissed Cassidy instead.

“I support you one hundred percent of the way” I smiled down at him as I continued to straddle him. “I told you before that money doesn’t matter to me. I just want you to be happy. You’re so creative and have such an amazing talent that Adam is right; it would have only been a matter of time before someone saw it. Whatever you need…I’m there”

“What did I do to deserve you?” He asked and he had tears in his eyes.

“You just got damned lucky” I giggled again like a school girl, leaning down to kiss him once again

“Yeah…on that note I’m going to go” I heard Adam speak up behind us and the sadness in his voice nearly broke my heart.

“Nope…not happening” I pushed my way off of Cassidy. “How long does your mom have Clara?” I asked Adam, standing in front of him so he couldn’t escape.

“She’s going to drop her off in the morning” He replied. “Why?”

“Because tonight we are going to party” I grabbed his hand, dragging him behind me as I began to dance and wiggle my ass. I knew it was going to make him laugh because lets face it I wasn’t a great dancer by any means. “Come on baby” I held my hands out towards Cassidy, twirling him around in an awkward spin due to our height difference causing him to crash into Adam. We were all a laughing mess after that but I didn’t care because I was determined to keep Adam’s mind of off his empty love life and because I wanted Cassidy to know just how much I truly did support him. We ended up going out to dinner and then a night club afterwards where we drank and danced until we couldn’t do either one anymore. Early the next morning Adam’s mom found Adam passed out on the floor in the hallway because it was as far as Cassidy and I could get him before he just fell out for the night. She also found Cass and I passed out on the couch in near undress from where we tried to have sex, but one or both of us passed out before we could go any further. Thankfully she had been smart enough to leave Clara in the car while she came in to check on us. “It’s hard to believe that you are all grown men and this is how I find you” She yelled, stamping her feet on the hardwood floors as we slowly came to painful conciseness. “Good thing I didn’t bring Clara in here with me because the poor girl would have been traumatized to see her parents and Uncle like this”

“Give it a rest mom…geez” Adam moaned from the floor, not even attempting to get up. “That’s why I called and told you we were going out last night so you could check on us before brining her in here” I couldn’t help but smile against Cassidy’s neck as I snuggled in and closed my eyes because no matter how much I thought I knew Adam Lambert he always seemed to shock me from time to time.

“Whatever…get up and shower because you all stink. I’m taking Clara to breakfast and I expect you all to be presentable by the time I get back” She walked out with a huff and once again I couldn’t help but smile at the groan I heard from behind the couch.

“You know there are days when I wish that I hadn’t made amends with her” He said, his face appearing over the back of the couch.

“Don’t say things like that” I spoke, looking up at him as I continued to lie on top of Cassidy. “You’re very lucky to have her in your life” My mind wandered back to the years Adam and I had spent together, never once hearing him speak about his family. Cassidy had informed me before our breakup that Adam and his mother had had a huge falling out, but he wouldn’t go into details. I often wondered what could have been so bad that one would want to just toss his family so carelessly to the curb when I wanted nothing more then to have mine back. I found out much later that it was over the fact that Adam had borrow his grandmothers antique pearl necklace to wear with one of his drag outfits and somewhere along the way the strands had gotten broken and the pearls missing. Adam had denied taking the pearls when his mother confronted him and then refused to speak to her for years afterwards despite the fact he was completely in the wrong. I had been furious when I had finally found out, demanding that Adam go to his mother at once and apologize. We had actually argued over it a few times until I just gave up because in truth our relationship was starting to suffer and I was too afraid to push him too far.

“I wish you could have met her while we were together” He said, still peering down at me.

“Adam don’t” I warned because as close as we had become since I had forgiven him, our past was still a very touchy subject sometimes.

“She tells me what an idiot I am all the time for letting you go” He continued despite my warnings. “I think if she had been in my life at that time she would have stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life”

“Adam please” I was almost begging, too afraid to move because thankfully Cassidy was still asleep and couldn’t hear any of what he was saying.

“I know that I should just forget about the past and move on and find someone new, but how can I find someone new when none of them ever compare to you. I know you love Cass and he loves you, but you have no idea how hard it is to see you together sometimes. You were supposed to be mine Kris and a part of me will always feel that no matter how hard I might try and push past it” I had no words as I watched him pull himself up, his blue eyes gazing into mine for a moment before he turned away. “I wasn’t kidding when I said that I was going to do everything in my power to help Cassidy out because I know as long as he’s happy and secure then he’s going to take care of you in the way that you should be taken care of” I wanted to run after him and try and make everything better because I could hear the pain in his voice, but I knew that I couldn’t because it would be fair to the man snoring lightly underneath me. “Don’ worry about everything I just said....we can just write it off as drunken talk and leave it at that” I had tears in my eyes as he closed the front door softly behind him as he left my apartment, but I refused to harp on it because I had made the decision to follow Cassidy down our life path and I wasn’t going to give that up for Adam or anyone for that matter.

TBC...


	38. Chapter 38

For nearly a year after that night Cassidy worked nearly non-stop on his clothing line. Adam stopped by and helped from time to time, but he was more of a not so silent partner who gave advice and spread the word constantly. Neither one of us ever tried to talk about what was said that night because we both knew it was for the best. He still continued to be a part of our lives as well, actually purchasing the private jet he had been talking about earlier so he could spend birthday and holidays with us. It also came in handy for me as I promoted my third album giving me the chance to spend as much time with my family as well. Right before the line was complete Adam somehow got Cassidy an invite to show it at one of biggest fashion shows of the season. I had no idea what he was talking about as he presented a packet to Cassidy with all the information, but I thought he was going to have a heart attack when it opened it up and read the contents inside. Apparently it was a huge honor to be invited to present at this fashion show and very seldom did they let new comers in. We never did find out how Adam made that happen, but it was exactly what Cass needed to get his foot in the fashion door and I just knew it was going to be an amazing journey for him from there.

“Kris…Kris Allen…can we get a word with you?” I heard someone yelling out my name as I attempted to walk through the crowd of people around me. My first inclination was to keep walking, but then I remembered what I was there for and forced myself to walk over towards the row of reporters behind a barrier. “Thanks Kris…” The blonde woman smiled at me, speaking quickly to the people around her before turning her attention back towards me. “So this has to be an exciting night for you” She smiled even wider and I had to stifle a laugh at how Barbie like she almost looked.

“It really is” I replied, wishing she would hurry things up so I could leave and find Cassidy and Adam who had shown up at the show much earlier then I had.

“So Cassidy really has to be one lucky man to have the endorsement of not only the uber rock god Adam Lambert, but by his lover former American Idol winner Kris Allen as well” She moved the microphone closer to my face, the smile on her face almost a sneer as she waited for me to respond.

I was about to tell her to fuck off when I felt a pair of familiar arms wrap around me. “I am really lucky to have the endorsement of Adam and Kris” He said, a smile on his handsome face as he handed me off towards Adam who was standing behind me. “I have to say that if Adam hadn’t fired his costume lady then none of this would have ever come about and Kris has stood by me every step of the way. Excuse me” He nodded politely at the stupid woman, taking my hand and leading me further down the walkway. “Don’t let the stupidity get to you baby. They just want to try and bring me down and trust me there is nothing that can bring me down tonight” I couldn’t have been any prouder of Cassidy then I was in that moment as he squeezed my hand and led me towards another group of reporters. I stood beside my man as reporter after reporter asked him and Adam questions about the project they had been working on. I had no idea what they were talking about half of the time so I was content to just stand there and let them have their moment.

“So Kris…what do you think of the clothing line that Cassidy has come up with” One of the reporters asked me, a real smile of her face, one that put me at ease.

“Well honestly there isn’t anything from it that I would wear” We all laughed as I struck a model pose in my denim jeans, t-shirt and sports jacket. “But I couldn’t be prouder of the man that I love. He’s so creative and brilliant and I just know that everything is going to be a hit” We spoke to them for a few more minutes, Adam and Cassidy taking up the limelight again as I smiled and continued to support the man that I loved.

“Stop fidgeting” Adam grumbled in my ear after we had been seated inside, Cassidy having had to be backstage to help prepare the models for the runway show. I felt so uncomfortable and out of place as I took in some of the outrageous and fancy outfits that everyone seemed to be wearing, wondering to myself for the umpteenth time what the big deal was with these people and their fashion. I was also so bored out of my mind I felt as if my brain was going to explode if I saw one more skinny model prance down the runway in clothes that really made no sense to me at all. I tried to get as excited as Adam was as he sat beside me, writing things in the program we had been given once we were seated. I had made mine into a paper airplane, getting a dirty look from a Hollywood tabloid queen when it veered off course when I threw it and hit her in the neck. “Cassidy’s next” I heard him say as I sat forward and waited for his models to strut their stuff showing off his hard work. It had taken him and Adam weeks to find the perfect model, when they all looked the same to me. I was almost giddy with excitement when a remix of one of Adam’s songs began to echo all around us and the walking toothpicks known as models began to prance down the long runway. It was actually over rather quickly and before I knew it Cassidy was on stage giving a wave and taking a bow, the audience on their feet as he walked the runway with two of the models on each arm. I had tears in my eyes as he walked by, catching the kiss he blew my way and holding it to my lips in preparation for the real thing.

“Can we leave now?” I asked Adam when we all sat back down; wanting to cry at the stink eye he gave me before focusing back on the runway. “I think I’m in hell” I sighed, slumping onto one side, quickly sitting straight up at the evil look the man next to me shot my way. “I’m going to make you pay for this you do know that right?” I growled at Adam, ignoring the smug smile that crossed his lips before he started scribbling in his program again.

Just as we expected Cassidy’s line took off after that and before we knew what was going on he was being sought after by some of the biggest stars in the business. It was an amazing time for the three of us. Cassidy was happy doing something that he loved and he was getting the notoriety that he deserved, while Adam continued to support him verbally and endorse the name they had made together. I was still writing songs and making music and although my songs weren't as popular as they once were, I was still hitting the charts from time to time and getting to tour the country, meeting the fans who I loved so much. Clara was a happy and adjusted child who was loved by just about everyone that she met and adored and spoiled by the ones who loved her most. We watched her grow from a young toddler into a young adult as she entered her high school years. The years seemed to just fly by and as happy as I was to get to experience every minute of her life with Cassidy, I wanted to stop time, maybe even go back because I knew that in a few years she was going to be leaving us to start her own life. I knew that we were always going to be apart of that life, but it wouldn’t ever be the same.

We decided to move out of my old apartment and buy a new house, one that had enough to house a studio for Cassidy to work on his creations as well as a place for me to work on my music. Clara had a bedroom larger enough to hold all of her friends for sleepovers and hanging out, as well as her own work room where she could hold meeting and work on the projects that had taken over her life. Adam had been excited when we had announced it was time to move, even going with us as we searched for just the right place, but that excitement didn’t last long the closer it came to moving day. Cassidy and I had tried talking to him about it over and over again, but he always said that there was nothing wrong and we were reading too much into nothing. I knew he was lying but figured it was a lost cause until Clara blurted it out one night while we were eating dinner. “He feels like he’s getting left behind” She said after listening to Cass and I talk about his odd behavior.

“What do you mean he feels like he’s getting left behind?” I asked, because I really had no idea what she was talking about.

“Daddy…think about it” She replied, sighing heavily before explaining it to me. “Uncle Adam practically lives here most of the time right?”

“Right” I said, because it was true. I couldn’t count how many times he had slept on our couch, his clothes totally taking over my closet in my bedroom, the healthy shit he liked to eat cluttering up my refrigerator and panty.

“He feels that if we move into a new house that things will change, that he won’t be welcome anymore” She went on when I just continued to look at her like I had no idea, because I really hadn’t had any idea.

“That’s just crazy” I scoffed because of course Adam would be welcome in our home anytime, he was family. Hell, it was expected.

“Did you tell him that?” She asked, giving me the same look Cassidy gave me when I was having a stupid moment.

“I didn’t think I had to” I shrugged, feeling like an ass because I was constantly telling Adam how excited I was to move out of our old place and move on with our lives. “I just figured he knew”

“He may be a diva, but when it comes to the people he loves he can be a bit leery and sensitive about crossing lines” Cassidy said. “It never dawned on me for a moment either that he wouldn’t think he wasn’t part of this move. I’ve been going on and on for weeks about the new studio and never thought twice about how it would affect him”

“He’s an idiot…but its one of the reasons we love him” Clara replied with a smirk, all of us laughing when we should have been scolding her instead.

“Cass…baby…” I whispered in his ear later that night as we lie in bed after making love.

“Yes Precious” He returned with a playful sigh because he already knew I was up to something.

“You know how I was thinking of turning the pool house in our new place into a music studio”

“Yes…” He replied, turning on his side to face me.

“What would you think about offering to let Adam live there?” I rushed out, closing my eyes as I waited for him to explode.

“You really are amazing” I heard him say as I opened them and found him smiling at me. “I was actually thinking about letting you have the room I was planning to turn into my studio and offering him the guest house as well”

“You need a studio more then I do” I sat up, leaning over and kissing him. “I don’t mind giving mine up…really. I can always record downtown and…you really don’t care?” I asked, cutting myself off because I sort of felt that maybe we were crossing some sort of creepy line between our family and Adam.

“I really don’t mind” He smiled, kissing me that time as we made love all over again.

We moved into our home shortly after that, insisting that Adam come along with us the first day we spent there. He refused us over and over again, until Clara put on a great performance of guilt with tears and all. Cass and I had to use our own set of acting skills in order to keep from bursting out laughing when he finally gave in. “I don’t know why you wanted me here” He pouted, when Clara ran off to her room, leaving the three of us alone.

“Come with me” I reached out and took his hand, leading him out onto the patio.

“I don’t want to go swimming Kristopher” He rolled his eyes as we stood by the pool.

“We’re not going swimming you big fucking diva” I rolled my eyes back at him, opening the door to the pool house and shoving him inside.

“Look I don’t know what the hell has gotten into you but…” He turned to yell at me, his mouth clamping shut instead when I held up a silver key chain with two keys on it. “What is that?” He asked, his voice quivering, tears glistening in his eyes as they stayed locked on the set of keys. It was then and there that I realized just how much Adam was hurting at the idea of us moving, possibly moving on without him.

I had tears in my eyes as well as I reached out and took his hand and placed the keys in his palm. “It’s the keys to our home and your new home” I nodded back over his shoulder. “We didn’t want to make this move without you being part of it. I mean you practically lived at our apartment and well at least here you would still be a part of this family and have some privacy as well”

“You want me to live in the pool house?” He asked, a sneer of his face as if I was asking him to live in a garbage can instead. “I’m Adam fucking Lambert and you want me to live in a pool house?” He asked again, causing me to feel like a fool for even considering it. “I mean…what would people think if they found out that I was living in the pool house of the power couple of Allen-Haley?” I was just about to blow my stack, tackling Adam to the ground at the playful smirk peeking down at me.

“Fucking jerk” I cried out, trying to keep him pinned to the floor, but his bulk was more as he easily flipped me over, pinning me down instead. “Good thing I don’t give a fuck what people think of me” He smiled, tickling me so hard and so fast I felt as if I was going to piss myself. “Thank you” He had tears in his eyes when he finally let me go, the two of us sitting side by side as I tried to catch my breath.

“You’re welcome and I’m sorry if you felt excluded” I said, feeling bad once again for being so callous.

“It wasn’t really about feeling excluded, more like you three are moving on in your lives and I just seem to be going nowhere”

“But that doesn’t make any sense” I replied because it really didn’t. “Like you said you’re Adam fucking Lambert and you pretty much rule the world”

“Sure I can get pretty much anything I want and people fall at my feet to do it” I wanted to say something sarcastic, but I held my tongue because I knew it wasn’t the time or the place. Adam was upset and I was venturing to guess a little scared about our change, but I was determined to let him speak his mind and then convince him of what a dumb ass he was being. “The thing is Kris is that I don’t have everything I want and the one thing I really want is always just out of my reach”

“Adam…we keep having the same conversation over and over again” I sighed because I knew how much Adam still loved me and how it had to hurt like hell to see me so happy with Cassidy and Clara.

“Look…I know that we can’t be together and I am thankful that you’ve allowed me to be part of this family” There was a bit of anger to his voice and a lot of frustration and it made me once again feel like complete shit. “But I can’t help it Kris. I knew the moment I met you that you were the one for me, that you’re my soul mate and it just fucking sucks that I can’t have what I want…because I always get what I want” It was true, he always got what he wanted and as he had said earlier there were always people falling at his feet to ensure that. “I’m not saying this to hurt you and you have to believe me when I say that I won’t ever come between you and your family, but the heart wants what the heart wants Kris and it’s going to always want you. I’ve known from the moment that I saw that picture that we were meant to be together and it just hurts, and I know I should just grow the fuck up and move on, but I can’t because there is something telling me to just hang on because we will be together in the end. Again, I know it’s so wrong to say that to you Kris, but I feel it inside of me. It’s like Drake was just a stepping stone leading me to you in the end. I’ve probably gone and scared you and you probably want to take back the invitation now but I had to get that off of my chest” He looked so sad and forlorn that I felt my heart tug because I knew exactly what he meant and although Jenna had pretty much told me we would be together in the end, that would mean that Cassidy wouldn’t be around and I just wasn’t willing to think about that.

“It doesn’t scare me and I don’t want to take back the invitation. Adam…you have to know that I love you too because if I didn’t you wouldn’t be interwoven into the fabric of this family. You are supposed to be there for a reason and maybe we will end up together in the end, but maybe we won’t” I held up my hand when he seemed to get an excited gleam in his eyes. I wanted to tell him everything that Jenna had told me, but I was afraid that it would give him false hope and at the same time it scared the fuck out of me as well. “You will always be part of this family, but you have to move on at the same time. You need to find someone that will love you and take care of you like you deserve. I can’t do that for you Adam, not now, maybe not ever. Just don’t please don’t ever doubt that I love and care for you and I want you in my life forever. I can’t imagine my life, our lives without you in it”

“It would be pretty boring wouldn’t it?” He laughed, but I could still hear the sadness in it. “I love you too Kristopher and you’re right because it is time for me to find someone who isn’t taken and can love me and me alone”

“Yeah…” I replied softly, beating myself mentally for lecturing Adam for moving on and then feeling so bone crushingly sad now that he was actually going to do it.

TBC...


	39. Chapter 39

Adam sold his home and moved into the pool house and somehow word spread about it in the tabloids, but it was only big news for a couple of weeks before they moved onto something else. He began to date a few guys here and there, nothing serious at first but then he met an actor through one of his friends and they began to date. He constantly told us that it was just casual, but none of us were buying it because anyone could see by looking at them that they were more then casual when it came to each other. I liked the man, he was kind and funny and there was so doubt that he was totally smitten with Adam, but I couldn’t help but be a little bit jealous, a fact that I kept a closely guarded secret to myself. It seemed that our lives were shifting once again and as hard as it was for me to distance myself from Adam and his love life, it’s what I did because I had to focus on my own family. Cassidy loved me with such undying love and trust and he didn’t deserve a part time lover and Clara was growing up so fast and I knew that if I wasted any more time worrying about Adam that her childhood would be over and I’d regret missing out of even one single second of it.

Clara took to high school like a fish to water. She was popular and went out of her way to never exclude anyone from being her circle of friend. She was constantly busy being part of numerous clubs her freshman year, running most of them by her sophomore. I constantly worried that she was going to wear herself out by spreading herself too thin, but Cassidy assured me that she wouldn't take on more then she could handle. I still worried though because she was my daughter and it was my job as her father to worry. Her passion seemed to be politics as she captioned her debate club and started a gay, straight alliance that after protests and petitions got her high school to initiate a no bullying policy after a brave few gay kids started being bullied when they joined the club. When bullying seemed to intensify in other schools in our area she went public, determined to bring the terror for those being bullied gay or straight to the masses. She was ridiculed by the right winged media because of what she was doing, but also by the fact that she was the daughter of two pretty well known gay celebrities as well. She was also threatened by those who didn't care or understand and yet she never once took any of it to heart or let it detour her from what he felt was an important issue. Cassidy and I were so proud of her, but once again fearful that she might be taking on too much as well as putting herself at risk. She constantly assured us that she was doing what she was meant to do and that that no matter what she had to fight for this cause. I hadn't thought of Jenna in years but her statement made me start to wonder if Clara didn't have powers to see the future as well. It made me even more frightened for her as I tried rather unsuccessfully to find out without actually asking her directly. I had myself convinced that she did because she seemed to be keeping a secret from us, but never in a million years could I foresee what it actually was.

“I think you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill” Cassidy said to me one night after Clara had come home from another protest march one Saturday, already preparing for the next one she had planned. I had tried once again to ask her to slack off just a little bit, but she only snapped at me about the fact that if anyone should be supporting her and her cause it should be her gay father. I told her that I did support her cause but that I was worried as usual that she was taking too much on and that as proud of her as I was her welfare was more important to me then protesting for something that would probably never change regardless of how much people fought for gay rights.

“She kicked me out of her room and slammed the door in my face” I was almost in a daze as I walked back into the living room, ready to cry because she had never treated me like that before.

“I told you that you were making too much of this. She has strong beliefs baby and she feels this is something that she has to do” Cassidy tried to explain, but I pushed him away when he tried to comfort me.

“I think you’re being a little bitch and should just leave her alone” I heard Adam’s voice from the kitchen, looking at Cassidy because he hadn’t been there when I had gone to speak to Clara. It was the one downfalls of having Adam living so close to us and having given him a key to our home, plus the fact that he had broken up with his current boyfriend and had way to much time on his hands. He had everything he could ever need in his own home in the pool house, two bedrooms, a kitchen, two bathrooms, a gym and even a laundry room and yet he could always be found lurking in our kitchen anytime of the night and day. It honestly didn’t bother me to have him there most times, but there were some times that I totally regretted ever giving him complete access to our home and our lives.

“What the fuck do you know” I snapped when Cassidy just shrugged at me.

“I know more then you do and trust me when I say that this is something that means a lot to her and it’s not because she has two queens and a diva in her life” Adam replied sarcastically as he fell into a chair, giving me a dirty look.

“What do you know?” I asked again, crossing my arms over my chest in irritation because I knew he knew something that Cassidy and I didn’t.

“Can’t say and I won’t say” He replied casually as I fought the urge to rip him from the chair and beat the shit out of him.

“If you know something Adam then you should tell us” I heard Cassidy finally speak up because up until that point I was beginning to think that he was being a bit too casual about the whole situation.

“It’s not bad…well for her it wasn’t bad” He mumbled under his breath. My head was about to explode that one, our daughter was keeping secrets from us and two, Adam knew before we did.

“Spill it” I demanded, stepping forward in a threatening manner, but not getting very far as Cassidy grabbed onto my arm and stopped me.

“No…I promised her that I wouldn’t say anything and I refuse to break that promise even for you Krissy” I wanted to pound him within an inch of his life as I once again tried to make my way over towards him, still unable to move as Cassidy wrapped his arms around my chest and pulled me flush against his body.

“You have no rights to keep secrets about our daughter from us” I cried out loudly. “And why the hell is she confiding in you when she knows that Cass and I are here for her?” I wanted to cry at the idea that she didn’t trust us enough to tell us what was going on in her life when she had been so open to us about everything before.

“I didn’t tell him…not at first” Clara spoke up from the hallway. "But I panicked when it happened and he was the first person I thought to call" She had tears in her eyes as her father and I rushed towards her side and pulled her into our arms.

"We don't care that you called your uncle Adam first. We're actually happy that you did, but baby you scaring your daddy and I here" Cassidy sounded almost frantic as he held her tighter in his arms. "What happened to you?"

TBC...


	40. Chapter 40

"Nothing happened to me, but it happened to Watts" She buried her face in Cassidy's shirt, crying even harder.

"What's a Watt's?" I looked over at Adam as he sat on the couch behind us with a look of misery on his face.

"It’s not a what...it's a who" He supplied for us, wringing his hands together as he locked his eyes on Clara's back.

"Jessica Watson...but everyone calls her Watts" Clara hiccupped. "She's my girlfriend" I heard my daughter say, but I couldn't hear anymore as the space around me began to spin.

"Kris..." I heard someone scream my name as my legs gave way and I headed for the floor. "What the fuck Kris?" The voice turned out to be Adam's as he caught me in his arms before I could hit the floor. "Get up and support your daughter" He growled under his breath as he jerked me to my feet, shoving me towards Cassidy who was still holding onto Clara.

"Clara" My voiced sounded weak as I cleared my throat and called her again, holding out my arms to her when she turned to look at me. I felt complete shame at the look of unease I saw staring back at me.

"It's ok...go see your daddy" Cassidy urged her forward.

"I'm sorry baby" I cried out when she flew into my arms, hiding her face in my neck. "I'm so sorry" I repeated over and over because I really didn't know why I reacted the way that I had.

"Let's sit at the table and talk" I heard Adam say as he and Cassidy headed towards the dining room.

"Are you upset that I'm gay daddy?" Clara asked, fear floating in her dark brown eyes as tears splashed down her face.

"No...not at all. I promise" I smiled at her, hugging her tightly before I kissed her forehead and led her to the table where Cassidy and Adam sat waiting. "Maybe you should just start from the beginning" I urged her, sitting beside her and holding one hand, while Cassidy sat on the other side holding her other hand.

"I've been questioning my sexuality for the last couple of years" She began, taking a deep breath, looking at Adam sitting across from the table from her and continuing when he smiled and nodded at her. “I guess I always knew, but I really wasn’t ready to even consider finding out and then I met Watt’s” My heart skipped a beat at the brilliant smile that crossed her beautiful face as she let go of both of our hands and wiped at her face. “We met at a PFLAG meeting and I think for me it was love at first sight, but for her she was only looking for a friend” My mind was still racing as I tried to come to terms with the fact that my daughter had just come out to us and that fact that she already had a girlfriend and she was only sixteen. “I tried being her friend, but it was so frustrating” She giggled, a deep shaded blush racing across her face as she looked between her two fathers. “Every time I even broached the subject of maybe being more then friends she would change the subject and a few times she even ran away” She giggled again and I couldn’t help but smile that time because I may not have ever experienced young love when I was her age, but I could remember how it felt to be in love for the first time with Cassidy.

“I like her already” I teased, starting to feel at ease as I started to come to terms with Clara’s announcement.

“Daddy…” She blushed some more, playfully swatting at me arm before going on with her story. “One night after a meeting it was just her and I left cleaning up and I just kissed her. I thought her eyes were going to pop out of her head and then she ran away again. I thought I had messed everything up, but I found her waiting for me outside and for the first time she actually talked to me about her feelings. She was struggling with her sexuality too, but she knew she couldn’t tell her parents because they refused to understand. They didn’t even know she was going to PFLAG meetings, but she went because she said she needed to talk to others who were feeling like she was. I felt bad for her because I knew that I could talk to you about what I was feeling and she didn’t have that with her family”

“Then why didn’t you?” Cassidy asked what I was dying to know as well.

“I just needed to come to terms with it first. I wanted to deal with this on my own and then when I was ready I was going to come to you. But then Watt’s got attacked and I was determined to get the word out there about teen bullying and the affects it has on queer kids and telling you, although important, wasn’t as important as doing what I was destined to do” She had tears in her eyes once again, Cassidy and I both seeming to be too numb to comfort our daughter for a moment. I was torn between wanting to question her about having powers like her mother or finding out what the hell had happened to Watt’s.

“Tell them what happened” Adam urged her forward with a small smile and I felt an overwhelming thankfulness that Clara had him in her life and that she felt comfortable enough to talk to him when things became to much and she couldn’t talk to us.

“We were at another meeting and it ran long. She had to leave so she wouldn’t get in trouble for being late with her parents. They were probably waiting for anyone to exit the building to harass, but it was her and they took her down and alley and beat her. I walked right past that alley when I was done and I had no idea she was there” Huge tears were racing down her face as I reached out and wrapped my arm around her, clutching her to my side as Adam and Cassidy exchanged tearful looks before turning back towards Clara. “I was halfway home when she called my cell phone. She could hardly talk, but I found her just the same. There was blood everywhere and I…” She stopped for a moment as a sob of remembered pain erupted from her. “I thought she was dead when I found her because she wasn’t moving and I couldn’t find a pulse. They spray painted the word fag all over her, even across her face. I called 911 and waited with her until the paramedics came, but they wouldn’t let me go with her. I thought that she was dead and they wouldn’t let me go with her” I couldn’t stop the tears that flowed from my eyes as she turned into my chest and held on as if for dear life. I was shocked beyond belief at her story, but even more shocked that she had kept something as traumatic and personal like this from us.

“She called me after that and asked me to come and pick her up” Adam explained how he had become involved. “I just happened to be down the street having lunch with one of my friends. They wouldn’t tell us anything for the longest time when we got to the hospital as we waited for some kind of word. Clara didn’t want me to do it, but I called her parents and told them what happened and they didn’t even fucking care. They told me that if there daughter chose to be a fucking faggot then she deserved what she got” I could see the disgust and anger flashing through Adam’s eyes as he drew in a deep breath and continued. “Thank god Clara knew she had an Aunt that lived nearby and that Watt’s had confided in. The old lady’s a lesbo too I found out later” He laughed sadly. “She came to the hospital and thankfully they were willing to give her some information. They did a number on her that’s for sure. She had a broken nose, broken ribs, two broken arms and a broken leg, not to mention the mental scars she will have to live with for the rest of her life” I couldn’t hear anymore as I clung to Clara and openly cried over what I had heard, but mostly at the fact that if Clara had left with this girl like she usually did then she would have been attacked as well.

“Where…where is she?” I asked, feeling so rung out and worn as I continued to hold onto my only child tightly.

“She’s living with her Aunt still trying to recover from her attack” Adam replied, looking just as worn as I knew we all felt.

“Uncle Adam been taking care of all of their bills and hired a lawyer so she could live with her Aunt instead of her fucking parents. She didn’t need it though because her parents told her Aunt that they didn’t have a daughter anymore and as far as they were concerned she should have died during that attack” I didn’t even think to correct her for her language because after what I had heard I wanted to use that word about a hundred times or more myself at the cruelty of her attack and the fact that she had a family that just didn’t seem to give a fuck if their daughter lived or died.

"Oh baby, I wish you could have told us. Maybe we could have helped as well" Cassidy sniffled, lying his head atop mine when he wrapped his arms around her.

"I wanted to tell you right after it happened but..." She hesitated for a moment, once again looking at Adam across the table before taking a deep breath. "I guess I was just a little nervous that the same thing could happen to me"

"You were worried that your father and I wouldn't want you anymore?" I was shocked at her words, but even more shocked at what she said next.

"No, I knew daddy would accept me for being a lesbian, I was more afraid of what you were going to think". I felt as if I had been stabbed directly in the heart, all the breath in my body expelling in a rush as I moved away from her and fell back against the back of the chair. "I'm sorry daddy" She was near hysterical as Cassidy stroked her back and tried to calm her.

"You can't blame the girl for thinking it" I heard Adam say, another stab to the heart because he actually looked angry at me. "You're constantly bitching about the fact that she's involved in gay activities" I couldn't talk, much less think as I got up from the chair and stumbled towards the front door. I needed to get out in the worst way as I ignored the voices calling me back and left.

I felt numb as stood dumbly in front of my car, realizing that I didn't have my keys and that in itself was probably a good thing since my mind was completely blank and I was crying so hard that I couldn't even see if I wanted to. "Kris...what the fuck are you doing?" I heard Adam's aggravated voice behind me. "Kris..." He grabbed my shoulder and forced me to turn around.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I reversed the question, my mind suddenly clear and full of anger. "Who the fuck do you think you are turning my child against me?"

"I didn't turn your child against you" He screamed at me, poking me in the chest. "It’s your fault that she was worried because of your reluctance to let her be herself and do what she needed to do"

I was seeing red as I curled my hand into a fist and prepared to knock his lights out. Instead I stepped back when Cassidy came outside and stood behind Adam with such a look of sadness on his face. "I want you out of my house" I spoke through gritted teeth. "I want you gone and don't fucking come back"

"Kris...don't do this" Cassidy said, looking exhausted. "Don't say things you are going to regret"

"Oh trust me I don't regret this. I want you the fuck out of my house" I barked at Adam poking him in the chest before pointing my finger at Cassidy. "And if you don't like it you can get the fuck out too. You know what forget it...I'll fucking leave" I turned to walk away, punching Adam in the face when he grabbed onto my shoulder and spun me around again.

TBC...


	41. Chapter 41

"DADDY" I heard Clara cry out in horror, hands to her face, her eyes tearful and huge. "What are you doing?" I watched as she ran towards Adam, her and Cassidy helping him off of the ground, all of them glaring at me. I was at a lose for words, guilt, shame and pain weighing down so heavily on me as they continued to stare at me as if I had lost my mind, and I supposed I had. I couldn't stand the looks anymore as I turned and ran as fast as my legs could carry me. I ran until the muscles in my stomach started to cramp and I couldn't run anymore. I didn’t know where to go or what to do as I fell down on a nearby curb and cried as I curled into myself. Everything just hit me at once as I played the prior events over and over in my head, wondering how everything had gone so crazily out of control in such a short amount of time. I was floored with such an array of emotions that I didn’t know which one I should try and deal with first, the fact that my daughter didn’t trust in my love for her enough to know I would never hurt her or the fact that once again Adam had been on the receiving end of my anger. I thought about Cassidy and how disappointed and hurt he must have been at my actions as well and it just made me cry even harder. I wondered when it was that I had become such a monster that I didn’t even like myself anymore. I questioned as to if any of them could ever forgive me for the way I had acted, not even sure I deserved forgiveness, at least in what I had done to Adam. I wasn’t sure how long I sat there but eventually it began to grow dark and as much as I wanted to just keep running away, I knew I would have to go home and face the music eventually.

 

The house was empty when I finally reached home. I figured everyone was probably out looking for me, or maybe they’d decided to leave my stupid ass as I made my way into Clara’s room and sat in the corner where her favorite childhood stuffed unicorn sat. I wrapped my arms around its head, tears pouring down my face as I recalled the day Adam had given it to her and then I was bombarded with a barrage of memories from her childhood. It seemed like it had only been days since she had come into my life and changed it in such an amazing way and not the eleven years it had actually been. I wondered how I had lost her trust along the way because as afraid as I had been at the beginning, I actually thought I had been a pretty decent father to her. I was so lost in my thoughts that I hadn’t even heard her come into the room until I felt her arms go around my neck and her tears wet the collar of my shirt.

 

"I'm sorry that I hurt you daddy" She wailed against my neck, crying even harder when I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her into my lap. My own tears were abundant as we cried together. "Please don't hate me daddy" She sounded so broken and sad as I kissed her on her forehead and crushed her to my chest.

 

"I could never hate you Clara" I croaked, finding it almost impossible to speak, although I knew that I had to express to her just how much she meant to me. "I love you so much baby and you have to know that you mean everything to me. I'm sorry that I let you down"

 

"You didn't let me down daddy...you've never let me down" She replied, but I knew that I had had to have let her down somewhere since we were where we were. "I've always known you loved me, but I was just afraid of what you would think of me once you found out I was a lesbian"

 

"Why would you think that Clara?" I questioned looking down at her. "I'm gay. What made you think that I would think of you differently?"

 

"You're constantly getting on me for all my gay related activities. It seems to upset you, so it made me wonder" She explained and despite all the pain and upset I felt a sense of relief at how much of a huge misunderstanding everything had been.

 

“I know it may have seen like I was upset about your gay related activities, but it really had nothing to do with that. I get upset because I worry that you’re taking too much on with all your activities. I can see why you would think that since most of your projects are gay related and I know my reaction when I found out might have seemed like I was upset that you had come out to us, but that wasn’t why I acted like that”

 

“Why did you then because you looked like you were about to pass out” It was a fair question and I hoped that my answer was one that made sense and she was going to accept.

 

“I’m not upset that you’re a lesbian” I began, holding onto her hand when she shifted out of my lap and onto the floor beside me. “I was upset about that fact that you’re life is going to be that much harder once you decide to completely come out. I’m sorry about what happened to your friend…your girlfriend” I amended at the raised eye brow she gave me. “You’re girlfriend was bullied and beaten because of the fact she’s gay and that could have been you and…fuck I don’t even want to think about what could have happened to you if you had been with her” I pulled her into my arms once again, a fresh bout of tears sliding down my face as I continued to hold her. “I just love you so much” I murmured against her hair. “I fell in love with you the moment I held you in my arms when I was in Australia. You were just so cute and charming I couldn’t help myself. You’ve been my daughter from the moment I got on that plane and went back to get you and that won’t ever change. I’m sorry about so many things that happened tonight but I’m sorrier about the fact that I somehow failed at proving to you that you are my world and you always will be. I’m going to change that though, I promise you that”

 

“You don’t have to change anything daddy. I know you love me…I felt it when you held me that first time as well. I already knew you were going to be my daddy and help guide me on my life path. I think that I just got side tracked somewhere along the way with everything that happened to Watt’s, but I’ve never doubted for a second that you wouldn’t do anything for me and that you love me with your whole heart”

 

“Are we able to move past this?” I sniffled; my nose nestled in her sweet smelling hair.

 

“Of course we are” She smiled up at me, a smile so similar to Cassidy’s that it made my heart ache. We sat in silence for a few moments, each of us seemingly lost in our thoughts before she spoke up and broke it. “Daddy…”

 

“Hmmm…” I mumbled, wondering where Cassidy was and how much groveling I was going to have to do to get him to forgive me for being such an ass.

 

“Why were you so angry at Uncle Adam? I’ve never seen you so angry before that you would hit another person, especially Uncle Adam”

 

“You’re Uncle Adam and I have a very complicated history” I sighed, wondering how much I should actually tell her about my past with Adam. Cassidy and I hadn’t talked very much about out interwoven past, hoping and praying that it would never come up.

 

“I know” She said, looking up at me again. “You guys were pretty serious for a long time”

 

“Did Uncle Adam tell you that?” I asked, figuring he had because they seemed to be closer then I even thought they were.

 

“No…he didn’t have too. I’ve been listening to his music since I was a kid and I’ve read the liner notes. He’s totally in love with you too. I can see it whenever he looks at you” I felt my stomach drop because I really had no idea what to say to that.

 

“You do know there isn’t anything between Adam and I, at least not anymore. We were together for a long time when we were younger and then when it was over it ended badly. I’ve forgiven him for what happened in our past, but I think that there is still some lingering anger there and a whole lot of jealously in that you seem to be so much closer to him then me. I want to be the one that you come to when you have problems and I hope that now that we have this misunderstanding cleared up that you will”

 

“He won’t talk about it. I’ve tried just about everything to get him too, but he just tells me that it’s something that needs to be left in the past” She completely ignored the last part of my statement, but I couldn’t help but chuckle because it was such an Adam thing to say. I knew in my heart that they would always be close and that it was something that I was going to have to deal with or I could fuck things up between the two of us again. “I’m not worried you know” She said after a few seconds of silence again. “You look at daddy like he looks at you. You get this look in your eyes every time he comes into the room and the fact that you can’t keep your hands off of each other…well that just speaks volumes too” I couldn’t help but laugh at the roll of the eyes, her tongue sticking out as if she were grossed out. “I know daddy is involved somewhere in that past as well, but I suppose he won’t talk about it either”

 

“We had some good times and some bad times, and there was a lot of hurt between the three of us for a long time, but its good now” I tried to explain as vaguely as possible. “I love them both, but I’m totally in love with our father and nothing will ever change that” I kind of felt as if I was trying to make myself believe it more then her as I looked up and found the man we had been talking about leaning against the doorframe.

 

“I’m totally in love with you too you fucking drama queen” I heard Cassidy say, all three of us falling into a fit of laughter. “Are we all good in here now?” He asked, his eyes telling me that everything was forgiven and that he still loved me despite my fall from grace.

 

“Everything’s good” Clara smiled at me, hugging me close before kissing me on the lips. “I love you daddy”

 

“I love you too baby” I replied quickly pulling her in one last time because I wasn’t ready to let go just yet.

 

“How mad is he?” I asked Cassidy much later after Clara had gone to bed and he and I had talked about what had happened.

 

“I think that he’s more hurt then mad right now. Although, he was pretty pissed that you punched him. He has a photo shoot in two days and you gave him quite the shiner” Cassidy laughed, but it was an uneasy laugh. “You attacking him tonight was more then just being angry over Clara though” I closed my eyes and snuggled deeper into his side as we sat together on the couch. “I’m not accusing you of anything, but I think your feelings for Adam are becoming confused” I wanted to disagree with him, but I couldn’t because as much as I really was totally in love with Cassidy, there was still something about Adam I could feel under my skin. “I’m sure he’s still up…go talk to him” I didn’t even put up a fight as he pushed me to my feet, nodding in the direction of the kitchen door that led towards our backyard. “I love you and I know you love me…go” He smiled and I could read the trust in his eyes even though I didn’t think that I deserved it.

 

The night air was cool on my face as I walked out onto the patio, trying to figure out what I was going to say once I spoke to Adam. I was terrified at the idea of what he might say or even do, already knowing that whatever it was I deserved it. Instead, I took the cowards way out and went and sat by the deep end of the pool, my legs dangling in the water after I had rolled my pant legs up. “If you’re thinking about drowning yourself don’t let me stop you” I heard the person I had been trying to avoid speak behind me.

TBC...


	42. Chapter 42

“If I let you hold me under water until I’m almost drowned will that make you feel any better?” I asked seriously because I needed to do something to ease the clearly felt tension between us.

"It might…can we try?” I heard him reply snidely, but I could already hear the smile in his voice.

I couldn’t help but chuckle at just how fucked up everything had become and at how easily Cassidy and Adam were willing to forgive me. “Well come on and lets get this over with” I called out over my shoulder, still not turning to look at him as I slipped into the water fully clothed. “Holy shit…” I cried out in horror, treading water as Adam came closer to the side of the pool, his eyes swollen and a beautiful shade of purple.

“Yes…thank you, you really did a number on me” He glared at me, but it didn’t pack much heat as he sat down where I had vacated. “What the fuck was that all about anyway?”

“Me losing my mind” I waded over by him, holding onto the side of the poor as I looked out into the darkness surrounding us.

“I’m getting a little tired of being on the receiving end of you losing your mind” He said and that time I could tell me meant it at the hurt and anger present in his voice.

“Maybe there’s something more there. I don’t know” I sighed, my back to Adam as I continued to hold onto the side over my shoulder.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to that” I closed my eyes as I heard him slide into the water, finding him standing before me when I finally did open them. “What does that mean?” He was looking so intently at me that I felt as if I would drown in his eyes instead of the water surrounding me.

“I was so jealous that Clara confided in you and I guess it made me a little angry” I blurted out, not really knowing what the hell I was trying to say, confused over my lingering anger towards him and the guilt and shame that were almost choking me. .

“That much was apparent. Just so you know I’m turning my agent on you when she sees this eye tomorrow. I’ve got a photo shoot and…”

“Adam…this is not the time” We both heard Cassidy say, standing at the edge of the pool as he looked down on us. “There has been this underlying tension between the two of you for so many years and tonight it’s time that something be done about it” We continued to watch as he slid fully clothed into the water as well, gliding over towards me and kissing me softly. I felt Adam stiffen immediately, turning to walk away, but Cassidy stopping him. “No…tonight it’s all about clearing the air. It’s a one shot deal and then you both need to move on. I love you both so much but this tension isn’t healthy and its only going to get worse if we don’t deal with it now”

“I don’t understand” I whispered, although I totally understood where Cassidy was coming from and what he was hinting at. Neither one of them said anything as he leaned forward and kissed me once again; guiding me towards Adam once it was broken.

 

“No…we can’t do this” Adam whispered, but I could already see the lust in his eyes as I reached forward and wrapped my arms around his neck. Getting an approving nod from Cassidy as I glanced over at him quickly, I covered Adam’s quivering lips with my own before he could say another word. The kiss was needy and desperate as tongues and teeth slide and struck until we both had to pull back for air and from the pain. I felt out of sorts and confused as I tried to come to terms with what was about to happen between the three of us. I felt a bit more grounded as Cassidy came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist as I turned and kissed him hungrily. The difference between kisses was amazing, but the underlying current of love from both of them was the same.

“Let’s take this inside” Cassidy whispered against my ear, but loud enough for Adam to hear as he took both of our hands and walked us out of the pool. For a long moment we just stood there, my clothes dripping all over the concrete, feeling heavy and sticky against my skin. Adam and I watched as Cassidy ripped his shirt from his body, tossing it to the ground before doing the same to mine. Adam didn’t hesitate to remove his before he unbuttoned his jeans and let them slide down his legs. I almost choked on my tongue as I gaped at his penis, having forgotten how large and amazing it was. I guess I wasn’t quick enough because before I knew it I had two sets of hands removing mine as well. “So fucking sexy” Cassidy growled, his own pants gone as he leaned in and kissed me, the solid bulk of Adam’s body behind me. Soft whimpers rolled from my mouth as Cassidy continued to kiss me, Adam’s hardening erection warm and taunting against my back side, his mouth nibbling and teasing my neck while his hands mapped out my stomach and thighs. “Inside now” Cassidy demanded, literally plucking me off of the ground and carrying me into Adam’s home. “Go on…” He nudged me towards Adam as he entered his bedroom looking lost and brazen all rolled into one. I didn’t hesitate that time as I walked over to him, falling down to my knees because I wanted to familiarize myself with the manhood that used to make me scream and cry out wantonly so many years before that night.

"God Kris..." He cried out the moment I put my mouth upon him. I could hear Cassidy moving in the background, but I kept my focus on mouthing Adam's dick. "Fuck...that feels so good" He mumbled between hitching breaths as I drew in a deep breath and took him completely down my throat. I knew he was close by the breathy sounds coming from him and I was torn between making him come or pulling back and letting him fuck me. He however had other ideas as he grabbed the back of my neck and started fucking my mouth.

"Don't choke my baby with that monster" I heard Cassidy chuckle and then moan behind me. I didn't have to look to know he was touching himself because after many years of being together I knew him and I knew what he sounded like when he was aroused.

"He can handle it" Adam shot back through a shuddered moan as he increased the velocity of his hips until he came with a roar down my throat. He jerked me off the floor so fast, my legs going around his waist to keep from falling as he stumbled towards the bed, both of us landing beside Cassidy in a tangle of arms and legs. Adam was kissing me so deeply that I couldn’t keep my breath, my mind feeling fuzzy and air deprived as Cassidy began to nip and kiss his way from my neck to my backside. "I want to fuck him. Can I?" He finally released my lips as I coughed and sputtered to get air into my lungs. I felt Cassidy hesitate for just a second, but it was enough that I began to have second thoughts about how bad of an idea that was. I wanted to say something but I didn't have a chance as Adam flipped me onto my side, his re-hardened dick already poking at me.

"You hurt him and I will kill you" Cassidy threatened and there was no doubt to either Adam or myself that he meant those words. We shared a frenzied kiss as Adam prepared himself with a condom and lube before he prepped me as well.

"Cassidy" I ground out my lovers name as my hands scrambled to hold onto him as Adam's fingers began to open me up. I tried to keep my voice quiet but failed, my eyes rolling into the back of my head once he breached me.

"Don't be shy baby" Cassidy urged me with a smile, his hands twisting my nipples as the lower half of his body rolled against me.

"Fuck..." I cried out at the stimulation of his cock as it rolled against mine while Adam continued to fuck me. "Oh....oh...oh" I quickly felt over stimulated as the friction between my front and back continued until I was almost delirious with the need to come. "Please..." I begged against Cassidy's lips as the pleasurable torture continued, but I didn't know who I was begging more of because they were each doing a pretty good job to torturing the shit out of me.

"You ready to come baby?" I heard Cassidy ask me, crying out wantonly when he reached down between our bodies and grabbed both of our cocks. I could feel the heat of his cock along side mine, it only getting hotter when Adam added his hand as well and began to move our hands up and down. I couldn't speak anymore, couldn't do much of anything else but pant and grunt the closer I got to exploding. Harder and faster the rhythm went until I felt the low burning in my belly overtake everything as I lost my load all over our combined hands. I lost reality after that, my ears ringing loudly, my eyes rolling almost painfully into the back of my head. I could hear what sounded like talking in the background, but I was too out of it to comprehend any of it. When I finally found some sense of reality I found Cassidy’s face hovering before me. “Are you ok Precious?” He asked with such concern in his eyes that for some reason it brought tears to my eyes and the need to have him fuck me despite being pretty much fucked out already.

“I…I…” I tried to speak, but I couldn’t get the words out. I could tell that he knew what I needed as he slide his slender body over mine, kissing me softly before he entered me. The sensations were almost too much, but I held on tightly as he continued to make love to me. It was over rather quickly, Cassidy coming with a loud shout, while I moaned softly with each stroke. I didn’t even come that time, but it was more about being closer to Cassidy then it was about getting off. “I love you so much” I murmured against his ear as he lie on top of me, still holding on tightly to him, almost afraid to let him go.

“I love you too Kris…always” He replied quickly back to me before sharing a sweet and tender kiss as if to prove his point. “He decided to leave for the night” I heard him say when I turned my head and found the other half of the bed void of Adam. “He’s ok. We’re all going to be ok now” He said with a smile kissing me yet again before he rolled off of me and pulled me against his body. I hoped that his words were true and as I looked across the room and found Adam standing in the doorway with a sad but encouraging smile on his face, for some reason I finally did believe that everything was going to be ok. Adam didn’t come back home for nearly a week and I started to doubt that anything was going to be ok and that we had made s huge mistake. However, when he did come home he actually looked happy, more at peace and although he refused to talk about what had happened between the three of us that night, I could see that Cassidy had been right and it was what had been needed to be done to move past all the built up tension and move on.

TBC...


	43. Chapter 43

Life went back to normal after that. Cassidy started working on his new fashion line, one that wasn’t so high fashion, but more geared towards those in lower income brackets. He had been made an offer by a huge chain of retail stores to have this line in all of their stores. Adam thought that Cassidy was wasting his time and hounded him constantly about working on a line like all his previous lines, but he refused to bow down to Adam and accepted the deal with the retailer. I couldn’t have been more proud of Cass because I knew he remembered what it was like to be poor and not have money for all the glittery and expensive things he wanted back then. I decided to get in on the action as well, offering to write the music for all future commercials in the works and having all the profits go towards their favorite charity. I thought Adam was going to have a heart attack when I told him, but I didn’t care because I too could remember what it was like to be so poor that you didn’t have a dime to spare on anything frivolous.

 

Clara continued to work with her various school and non-related school activities, cutting back enough so that I wouldn’t worry so much, even though I secretly always worried. It was hard to believe that she was growing up as fast as she was and yet I couldn’t have been prouder of her if I tried. We got to meet Watt’s a couple of months after the night I lost my mind and I found her to the complete opposite of what I expected. Don’t get me wrong she was a wonderfully bright and funny girl, but the problem was that she didn’t really look much like a girl.

 

“She’s just a little butch” Adam whispered to me the first time I had met her, inviting her and her Aunt over for a family dinner. Cassidy was running late from a meeting, calling ahead and telling us to start without him.

 

“She looks just like a man. If I didn’t know she was a girl I wouldn’t have ever guessed” I whispered in reply, looking through the partition between the kitchen and the living room where the two girls sat on the couch giggling about something.

 

“Don’t judge Kristopher” He waggled his finger at me, crying out in pain when I smacked him with a spatula after trying to steal a vegetable from the pan I was sautéing them in.

 

“I’m not judging and if you put your finger in there one more time I’m going to cut it off” I pointed my weapon of choice at him, both of us giggling like fools when I went after him when he tried it again.

 

“Do you need some help in here?” I heard Watt’s Aunt Lola ask from the hallway.

 

“Get this thief out of here before I don’t have any vegetables to serve with our meal” I laughed, pushing Adam towards the door.

 

“Like it really matters since you burn…” He didn’t finish his sentence, a frown of concern on his face as he ran down the hallway. “Cass…” I could hear the alarm in his voice and it frightened me as I dropped the spatula in my hand and ran after him.

 

“Cassidy” I cried out in alarm when I rounded the corner and found him slumped against the door, his eyes closed and a look of pain across his face.

 

“Migraine” I heard him grit out as I rushed over towards him taking his hand and leading him as slowly as I could towards our bedroom.

 

“Lie down” I whispered softly after stripping him down to his underwear. I waited until he was stretched out before I set to task of making the room as comfortable for him as possible. The lights were the first to go off, quickly followed by the closing of the drapes. I tip toed into the bathroom grabbing a bottle of pain reliever from the cabinet, filling a glass of water before tip toeing back into our bedroom. “How’s your stomach?” I asked quietly because I knew if he was nauseous there was no way he would be able to stomach the pain meds without throwing them up and making his head hurt even more.

 

“No…” He murmured, pushing my hand away. I took the hint and placed everything on the dresser beside him.

 

“Sleep” I whispered, kissing the top of his head before leaving the room, closing the door softly behind me. “Where is everyone?” I asked Adam when I walked back into the living room and found it empty except for him.

 

“I gave Clara some money and told them to go out to dinner” Adam replied quickly, clearly distracted.

 

“Are you ok?” I asked, walking over towards him because I did not like the look on his face.

 

“Yeah…fine” He shot back, still clearly distracted. “Has he been having a lot of these migraines?” He finally turned to face me, his breathing heavy and with an intensity to his eyes that scared the shit out of me. “I said has he been having a lot of these migraines?” He asked again when I didn’t answer quickly enough.

 

“No…this is the first one that I’ve seen. Why?” I bit out because I could tell that he didn’t believe me.

 

“Think Kris…when was the last time you remember him having one?”

 

“I’m serious. this is the first one that I can remember” I cried out, lowering my voice due to Cass in the other room. “You’re scaring me Adam…what the fuck?”

 

"He's never told you" He seemed distracted again, my heart plummeting into my stomach in stone cold fear. I had to resist the urge to run into our bedroom and demand Cassidy tell me what Adam clearly wasn't going to.

 

"Adam, what aren't you telling me?" I asked again as I grabbed onto his shoulders and shook him.

 

"I can't believe he didn't tell you" He was looking me dead in the eyes but they had such a far away look in them that I could tell his mind was somewhere far away.

 

"Then you fucking tell me" I was almost in a full blown panic as I continued to shake him. "You are scaring the shit out of me Adam"

 

"I can't. He needs to be the one to tell you" He looked at me for real that time, my heart beating even louder in my chest at the outright fear I saw looking back at me.

 

"Why are you keeping secrets from me?" I asked, my voice quaking full of fear.

 

"I can't tell you Kris. He needs to be the one to tell you" He repeated his earlier statement, taking my hand and leading me towards the couch. "He going to be out of it for the next several hours" He said, still holding my hand as he guided us onto it. "When he comes out he will probably have a lingering headache for a few hours afterwards. Don't try and feed him because his stomach is all messed up. Just keep the house as quiet as possible and he should be ok by tomorrow. You need to make sure he makes an appointment with his doctor as soon as possible because this how it started last time"

 

"What started? Why are you keeping secrets from me?" I asked again, tears rolling down my face out of fear of what that secret just might be as my mind came up with all sorts of horrible scenarios.

 

"I want to tell you Kris, but it’s not my secret to tell" He responded, pulling me into his arms and just holding me tightly. I could feel the tremors running through his body, but I didn't say anything and just closed my eyes and prayed that whatever it was it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

 

"How's daddy?" Clara’s voice woke me as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes because I hadn't realized I had fallen asleep on the couch a few hours later, Adam sitting quietly beside me.

 

"He's ok baby" I assured her even thought I wasn't so sure myself. "He's sleeping now. Why don't you go on and go to bed and you can talk to him in the morning. I love you" I smiled at her as she leaned down and kissed me on the lips. "Night"

 

"Love you too daddy...night" She smiled back. "Are you sure he's ok?" She asked, turning to look at me from the hallway her face anxious and drawn.

 

"I'm sure" I smiled again, nudging Adam's leg so he could reassure her as well.

 

"Your dad's going to be fine. He just had a bad headache and once he sleeps it off he will be back to normal" He got up off of the couch, putting his arm around her shoulders and leading her towards her room. Once again I was thankful to have Adam in all of our lives, even though he was keeping a big secret from me. He emerged several minutes later, looking almost as exhausted as I felt. "Are you hungry?" I heard him ask from the hallway because dinner had been forgotten the moment Cassidy walked in through the door. "I could make you a sandwich or something"

 

"I'm not hungry" I replied quietly, playing with the fringe on one of the throw pillows from the couch. "Are you really not going to tell me?" I had to give it a last ditch effort because I really was concerned about the man that I loved.

 

"I'm going to head home" Was his answer as he walked towards the door. Call me if you need anything" He was gone before I could respond. I didn’t know what to do with myself as I sat there on the couch for god knew how long before I got up and checked on Cassidy. My heart ached as I peeked in through the door, finding him curled up in a ball the sheets and comforter pulled up over his head. I wanted to cry some more out of fear and aggravation that Cassidy seemed to be keeping important secrets from me and the fact that Adam know what the secret was and refused to tell me.

TBC...


	44. Chapter 44

“Is he ok?” I heard my daughter whisper behind me, nearly giving me a heart attack as I was totally lost in my own thoughts.

“He’s fine” I pretend smiled at her again, taking her hand and leading her back to her bedroom so we could talk without disturbing Cassidy. “He’s sleeping now” I said a bit louder once we had reached her room. “I think the worst of it is over” I hugged her close, holding on for a bit longer then I should have, but I couldn’t help it because I was so close to losing it that it wasn’t even funny. “Pretty scary huh?” I laughed, but even it sounded hollow and fake to me.

“Daddy…you’d tell me if something was going on right?” I closed my eyes for a moment because I knew that she wasn’t fooled by my actions.

“I don’t know what’s going on” I decided to be truthful. “Daddy said it was just a migraine, but your uncle looked as if he had seen a ghost the moment he laid eyes on him. He was pretty secretive when I asked him what he was hiding from me. He just kept telling me that your father had to tell me for himself”

“What do you think it is?” She asked, her eyes full of fear.

“I don’t know and we’re not going to worry about it until we can talk to your father and find out the truth. Adam said that he’s had them before that that he usually just sleeps them off, so we can talk to him in the morning” I held her close again when she fell into my arms, both of us holding on for dear life that time. “Come on and get into bed” I nudged her towards her bed, sitting on the side once she had climbed in. “So I really liked your Watt’s” I decided to change the subject in hopes that it would take her mind off of her father.

“You barely had time to talk to her” She beamed, blushing a little.

“I didn’t have to talk to her much to see how crazy she is about you and how crazy you are about her” I replied, taking her hand and playing with a ring Adam had given her on her sixteenth birthday.

“I know that she isn’t some beauty queen, but I really do love her daddy” She blushed even more, ducking her head in a way that was so similar to Cassidy that it made me smile. “No one can understand what I see in her, but she has this amazing soul and when you really get to know her and look past her plainness, you can really see her inner beauty. I don’t care what she looks like; I just love her for being who she is”

“You really do love her don’t you” I had tears in my eyes at the idea of my daughter being in love for the very first time yet they were nothing but happy tears.

“I do. I knew from the first moment that I met her that she was the one for me” I had to laugh at those words, pulling her into my arms holding her once again, recalling Adam saying something similar to me so many years back.

“I’m happy for you baby. I really am” I said, still smiling once I pulled back. “I’m glad that you found someone in your life to love and that loves you in return. It’s an amazing feeling isn’t it?”

“I’ve never been so happy in my life” She sighed, beaming from ear to ear. “Do you believe in soul mates daddy?” She asked, catching me off guard for a moment before I started laughing again.

“I totally believe in soul mates” I replied quickly, taking a deep breath because it seemed that she was following in the footsteps of her father when it came to love and soul mates. I just hoped that she didn’t have to go through all the hurt that he did before he found me again. “I’m happy you found her” I kissed her on the forehead before getting up. “Now get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning. Love you baby” I spoke from the doorway.

“Love you too daddy” I heard her respond through a yawn as I closed the door and walked back towards our bedroom. I debated going in and preparing for bed, but decided it would probably be better to not disturb Cassidy and went and sat on the couch. I felt exhausted as I just sat there and tried to make sense of everything that had happened that night, but my mind was too tired as I laid back and closed my eyes. I tried to think of other things to keep my mind occupied like working on my next album, planning Clara’s birthday party which was coming up in a few months, calling a contactor because I had decided that it was time to remodel the kitchen, but nothing worked. All I could think about was the absolute look of pain on Cassidy’s face once he got home and the look of horror on Adam’s when he spotted him. I had a feeling I already knew what it was, but I didn’t want to even consider it as I decided to pour myself a drink and focus on getting very drunk.

I was halfway there when Cassidy walked into the dinning room where I was sitting at the table with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a glass. “Why didn’t you come to bed?” He asked, sitting down, pretending that he didn’t see his lover trying to drink himself into stupidity.

“Was it cancer?” I blurted out instead of the answer he wanted, tears glistening in my eyes at the look of surrender I found staring back at me.

“Yes…” He replied simply.

“Brain cancer?” I needed clarification.

“Yes…” Another simple reply.

“The scar on your head wasn’t from a stilting accident?” I continued to question, recalling the first time I had run my fingers though his hair after we had gotten back together and asked him about a raised portion I felt on his scalp. He had told me it was from loosing his balance and falling off of a pair of stilts he had been using for a friends art show, but I knew without him having to say a word that the entire story was a lie.

“No…” I did fall and hit my head in the art show, but the scar wasn’t from there.

“You had surgery to remove a tumor from your brain” I surmised, filling my glass again and downing it in one shot.

“Kris…please don’t do this” He was begging and I as much as I wanted to take pity on him because I could tell he was still in pain, I just couldn’t. I felt betrayed and hurt as I found fascination with the ceiling while trying not to lose my mind. “I didn’t tell you because it wasn’t that big of a deal and we weren’t together then”

“Adam seemed to think it was a big deal” I shot back, glaring at him from across the table. “The look on his face was absolute terror when he saw you come in. I kept begging him to tell me what happened but he wouldn’t and probably couldn’t have anyway because he was so distracted by seeing you that way. So, I highly doubt that it wasn’t a big deal if Adam was affected that way”

“I should have told you” He replied quietly, placing his hand over the top of my glass when I went to fill it again. “I’ve been in remission for years and I really didn’t think that it was that big of a deal” He moved the glass and the bottle away from me before taking my hands into his trembling ones.

“Was it that bad?” I really didn’t want to know that answer, although a small part of me really did.

“It was that bad. Adam’s the one who found me and rushed me to the hospital” He explained while I fought the urge to drink directly from the bottle he had taken away from me. "They started out as small headaches, but then they eventually turned into full out migraines. They would at hit any time and I never had any warning. He constantly told me that I needed to go and see a doctor, but I just brushed it off blaming it on all the stress in my life"

"What stress?" I asked softly, squeezing his hand in what I hoped was a show of support but it really was out of fear. .

"I wasn't going anywhere with my music, getting door after door slammed in my face and then one day I had a record producer tell me flat out that I should just give up because my type of music would never make it in the main stream" I could see the sadness in his eyes because I knew how much his music meant to him. "I let them go on for a long time because the truth was I was petrified at what they were going to find and then one night I was getting ready to go out with Adam and one hit me so hard I felt as if my skull had busted open"

"Oh my god" I cried out, clutching his hand to my chest, biting my lips as I waited for him to continue.

"I was completely paralyzed and yet I could feel every single pulse of pain that shot through me. I had hit my head when I fell and was bleeding all over the place, but I couldn’t do anything to stop it. My entire body started to go numb and then I must have passed out because I don't remember anything after that except for waking up in the hospital. Adam had found me several hours after I was supposed to meet him. He got worried when I didn't show up. I was having a seizure when he found me and my head was still bleeding from where I had hit it"

"He was practically dead by the time they got him to the hospital. He had nearly bled out at the cut on his head and had had a major seizure due to the tumor pressing on his brain" We both heard Adam's voice behind us. "They told me right off the bat that there was a ninety-nine percent chance that he wasn't going to survive as they took him to surgery" He sat down beside me, tears in his eyes. "I'd never been so scared in my life. Seeing him like that is something that I'll never forget"

"You saved him" I let go of Cassidy's hand and lunged for Adam, wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him tightly.

"Nah...he's such a hard head he just refused to go down without a fight" He shrugged it off as I pulled away from him. "Are you having them again?" He turned his attention fully to Cassidy, my breath held within my throat as I waited for him to respond.

"I've already made an appointment with my doctor" He replied instead of the answer, although that answer was enough to let us know that he had.

"How long have you been having them?" I asked, my hands shaking so hard that Adam had to grab them to keep them from flopping around the table like a dying fish. "How long?" I demanded when he just looked between Adam and me with a guilty look on his face.

"A couple of weeks" He relented, slumping forward and hiding his head in his hand.

"Did you take any of the pain reliever I left for you on the dresser?" I asked, standing up, giving Adam a look that dared him to say anything.

"Kris..." Cassidy said my name sounding so miserable, but I didn't care.

"I asked you if you took any of the pain reliever I left for you?" I repeated, not willing to deal with Cassidy's stupidity at not letting me know what had happened in his past and not going to the doctor sooner. "Does your head hurt now? I continued to ask, not really needing an answer at the pain screaming out from his eyes. "Let's get you back to bed" I placed my hand under his arm and lifted him from the chair. He didn't even put up a fight as we walked towards the bedroom we shared. "Take these..." I ordered him, handing him several tablets and a glass of water. "Now lie down and get some rest" I assisted him onto the bed, pulling the covers up to his neck.

"Don't I get a kiss goodnight?" He asked with a not quite there smile on his face.

"Get some sleep" I replied quickly, turning the lamp off and walking towards the door because no matter how concerned I was about Cassidy I was still angry at him as well.

"Aren't you coming to bed?" He continued to talk despite the fact that he should have been resting.

"No...I'm not tired" I lied because I was completely exhausted, but I just needed to be away for Cassidy so I could think.

“Kris…please don’t run away from me” He said, my heart aching to go and comfort him, my mind just needing some space to try and figure out all that I had learned.

“I’m not running away from you. You need to rest and…you just need to rest” I said instead of what I wanted to say because I didn’t want to upset him more then he already was.

“I love you Kris” He said, those words causing me to cringe instead of the warm feeling they usually brought me.

I had the beginning of a headache myself as I walked into the dinning room, intending to clean up my mess before going to sleep in the guest room. “Don’t run away from him Kris” I heard Adam speak as I entered the room, finding him still sitting at the table with a drink in his hand. “If this is happening again he’s going to need you to help him get through this” I watched as he down his shot, holding the glass out towards me. I didn’t hesitate to take it after he filled in, downing it in one go before throwing it across the room, watching it shatter into a hundred pieces against the wall. “I know you’re angry and you have every right to be angry, but you can’t run away from this”

“I’m not going to fucking run away” I cried out in my defense. “I just need some time to decompress…to think. I mean…fucking brain cancer. He had brain surgery and he never fucking told me” I could feel myself getting hysterical and I could see Adam did too as he grabbed me by the arm and jerked me out onto the patio. “Why wouldn’t he tell me Adam?” I asked, my hissy fit cut short as the outright fear of the unknown began to overtake me.

“I don’t know baby…I thought he had” Adam pulled me into his arms, just holding me close as I clung to him as if for dear life.

“I’m scared Adam” I whispered my entire body starting to quiver uncontrollable. “I’m so fucking scared”

“I know you are, but you have to be strong for him and for Clara. We don’t know anything yet, but you have to be prepared if this does turn out to be cancer again” I wanted to cry and scream at the top of my lungs as the word cancer played over and over in my head, instead I just continued to cling to the only man I knew would be able to keep me sane because I already knew in my heart that there was nothing good going to come out of this situation. I decided to sleep next to Cassidy after Adam and I had said our goodnight, curling into his body as close as I could, crying softly to myself until I fell asleep.

TBC...


	45. Chapter 45

The next morning we briefly talked to Clara, not giving her all the details that I had learned the night before, but enough to give her some of the truth, but shield her from the worst of it until we knew for sure. Later that afternoon found Cassidy and myself at his doctor’s office while they ran test after test on him. We were both mentally exhausted hours later as we sat in the office of his physician, hands clasped together as we waited for him to return to the room with their findings. “I love you Kris and I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about this sooner” He broke the uneasy silence around us.

“It’s ok” I replied with a sad smile, even though I felt anything but ok because I still felt in a sense betrayed. I knew deep in my heart that it wouldn’t have changed anything about my feelings towards Cassidy if I had known, but it was just the idea that he had kept something so huge from me for such a long amount of time.

“You don’t love me anymore?” He asked, and I was about to reply with a smart ass remark because I thought he was playing, but as I turned and caught a glimpse of his face I knew that remark was anything but playful.

“I love you so much Cassidy” I replied quickly and truthfully because it was true despite everything that had happened. “Nothing is going to change that…nothing” I assured as I laid my hand on the side of his face and kissed him softly. “Don’t you ever forget that ok?” I smiled as much as I could before leaning forward and kissing him again.

“Thank you for waiting gentlemen” I heard the doctor say as he walked into the room, closing the door behind him. His face was neutral, but there was something in his eyes that told me that the news he was about to deliver was going to be bad. The tension in the room was so thick that it was almost impossible to breathe as I continued to hold Cassidy’s hand, praying like a mad man inside my head that my worst fears were not going to be realized. “I’m afraid it’s what we feared it would be” He spoke the words that devastated my heart, but instead of crying and screaming like a two year old, I took a deep breath and forced myself to be mature and handle it like I knew my lover needed me to.

“What do we need to do now?” I asked, amazed that my voice sounded so calm when I was anything but on the inside. I could feel Cassidy looking at me as I turned my head and smiled at him, assuring him that we were going to do whatever it was that we needed to do to get through the huge hurdle thrown at us.

“I’m afraid that there is only one option and that’s surgery” My heart stopped in my chest, but I forced myself to continue to breath because I couldn’t let Cass see just how much those words were affecting me.

“Ok…set it up. How soon can we do this?” I questioned, knowing that I should give Cassidy the chance to speak on his own behalf, but my mouth just kept running. “How long will the surgery be? Is it ok if I stay with him in his room because I want to be there? What about aftercare? What would we need…”

“Kris…” I felt his hand on my arm, my eyes closing as I swallowed hard because I knew I didn’t want to hear what he had to say next. “Why don’t we listen to what else the doctor has to say before we make any decisions?”

My throat felt heavy and painful as I tried to breathe and be understanding, but my inner diva was screaming and clawing to make an appearance. “Well, like I said there really isn’t any other option other then surgery at this point. The tumor right now is about the size of an orange and the pressure its causing to your brain is what is causing your headaches and migraines. We could try chemotherapy, but honestly I don’t think that the affects would take places quickly enough before more permanent damage occurs. I’m actually surprised that the size and diameter of if that you haven’t started to have reoccurring seizures. The fact of that matter is Mr. Haley that we need to get you into surgery as soon as possible. I can have a team ready within the next couple of hours”

“What if I choose not to do the surgery…what happens then?” Cassidy asked, as I drew in another painful breath, biting my lip as the doctor leaned forward and looked between the two of us.

“Truthfully…reoccurring seizures that can occur at any time from the pressure alone. The migraines will continue as well, but will only get more severe as time goes on leading up to memory loss, paralysis and then death”

A cry of fear erupted from me despite my best efforts to stop it. “I’m sorry…” I spoke roughly, tears forming quickly even though I tried to blink them back repeatedly. My hands were shaking so hard that I felt I was about ready to have a seizure myself. “I’m so sorry” I said again, all my fears thrusting forward as I hid my face behind my shaking hands and cried.

“I’ll leave you two alone for a few moments” I vaguely heard the doctor say before I was crushed within Cassidy’s arms.

“I’m so sorry” I cried out yet again, wrapping my arms around his back and just letting everything flow.

“You have nothing to feel sorry for baby” He replied, his voice just as rough and pain filled as mine. “I’m scared Kris” He murmured against my ear and I could tell by the sound of his voice that he wasn’t just scared but he was truly petrified, just as I was.

“I’m scared too…but we’re going to get through this” I stated firmed, determination filling me once again as I pulled back and placed my still trembling hands on both sides of his face. “We have to do everything that the doctor says to do because we are going to overcome this” I hoped that my words were reassuring in some way because truthfully I was a fall down wreck on the inside.

"Ok" He said with a small nod, almost sounding resigned, but I ignored it as I leaned forward and kissed him. "I love you Precious, just never forget that. Promise me that you will never forget that". I didn't like the tone of his voice or the look in his eye, but I agreed anyway because I did love Cassidy and I knew I always would. I was ready to set up the surgery that very day, but Cassidy had already made up his mind that he was going to do this on his terms and his terms included waiting a week so he could spend time with his family and make sure that all of his affairs were in order. I wanted to cry and scream and demand that we do it my way, but I knew that I had to be supportive and that is just what I did.

TBC...


	46. Chapter 46

The very night we got home we had a family meeting, Adam included where he explained to them what the doctor had told him. Their initial reaction was that he have the surgery right away as well, but he somehow convinced them that waiting is what needed to be done and so they backed down. The mood was somber as we all sat in silence afterward; Clara snuggled between Cassidy and I as we sat on the couch, Adam sitting on a chair across the room from us. “I need you all to promise me that if the surgery doesn’t work that you don’t do any heroic measures” Was the last thing he said before he got up and walked over towards the fireplace. “I don’t want to live like a vegetable because if it’s my time to go then it’s my time to go. We’ve all known that I wasn’t going to be part of this family until the very end, so I want each and every one of you to promise me that you will always be there for each other” I was crying so hard as I clutched my daughter’s hand tightly within my own. I knew right then and there without a shadow of a doubt as I looked into her face that she knew of our family’s destiny. “Kris…you’re my soul mate and you’ve made me so very happy these last years and I love you more then I could ever describe to you in mere words, but we both know that I’m not your soul mate. I hope that when the time comes and you are ready that you are able to accept Adam fully into your life as your partner” Clara didn’t even flinch as she looked at me with eyes full of sadness and knowing and I knew then as well that she was gifted just as her mother had been.

I wanted to say something, anything to show that I was being supportive, instead when I opened my mouth to speak all that came out was over hysterical laughter. I laughed so hard that I couldn’t keep my breath and then I laughed some more until I felt dizzy and lightheaded. After that I cried, I cried so loud and so hard as I curled myself into a ball and released every pent up emotion that had been bottled up inside me since I had found out about Cassidy’s former cancer. No one moved a muscle as I lost myself and I was thankful for that because there weren’t any words or acts of kindness and love that were going to be able to sooth me. I don’t know how long my outburst went on, but when I was done I felt a million times better as I got up off of the couch and walked into Cassidy’s out stretched arms. I still couldn’t talk as I buried my face into the warmth of his neck and just held on. Adam and Clara joined us a few moments later as we each came to terms with the fact that Cassidy was going to be leaving our lives very soon. Afterwards after everyone went to bed he and I made love for hours, kissing and touching each other in every way possible because without saying a word we both knew that it wouldn’t be happening again.

It snowed on the day we buried him. Adam said that there was a reason for it, but we never did come up with an explanation as we stood before the grave stone after the funeral. It was so cold that day and it only added to the misery of losing the man that we all loved. I was physically exhausted when it came time to leave, Adam practically carrying me to the waiting limo despite the fact that I never wanted to leave his gravesite. There was nothing but stone cold silence on that drive home as I recalled the previous few weeks that had led up to that day. Nearly a week after our family meeting the surgical procedure to remove his cancer was performed. The surgery took nearly fourteen hours, but that doctor was very optimistic afterwards as he explained the procedure and how he was able to remove ninety-five percent of the cancer. His follow up treatment was going to be a couple of rounds of radiation that he was sure was going to put him in remission yet again. I pretended to share his optimism, but deep within my heart I knew it was just a matter of time before Cassidy was going to be gone from our lives for good. We never left his side as we waited for him to recover. He seemed in high spirits when he finally came out of his anesthesia and it gave me a false sense of hope that maybe it really wasn’t his time to go, only to have it dashed a week later when he had a seizure one night as we sat around his bed spending time with him. It came on so suddenly that none of us were prepared for it, the nurses and doctors forcing us out of his room when that seizure brought on a severe stroke as well. It felt like hours when it fact it had only been less then a hour before the doctor came to us and let us know that Cassidy Haley, the man that we all loved and cherished was no longer with us.

The week after the funeral was such a blur for me. I don’t remember much of it because I was just too numb to feel or deal with anything. The only things I could remember were the blur of hundreds of faces that passed before me throughout that week, each of them offering condolences while offering trays of food. I didn’t remember who I spoke to or what I had done from day to day, but I could remember walking into the kitchen late one night and finding it over flowing with uneaten food. I found it completely hilarious as I held onto the counter, laughing so hard that I had tears rolling down my face. Adam found me like that a few moments later as he wrapped his arms around me and held onto me as the laughter once again turned into sobs of heartbreak and loss. Afterwards he took me to bed, still holding me tightly as I cried myself to sleep in the bed Cassidy and I once shared. After that I forced myself to pull it together no matter how much I wanted to continue to wallow in my pain. I knew I couldn’t though because I had to be strong for my daughter and try and make our lives as normal as I could with her father gone. It was tough getting back on track, but thanks to Adam I found it possible to find the strength to be there for my daughter and move onward. It was hard and I won’t say that we didn’t have little slips from time to time where something would remind us of the man that we loved and one of us would lose it, but we stood strong as a family and eventually we were able to deal with a life with Cassidy not in it.

Several months later I watched as my little girl celebrated her eighteenth birthday with her friends and family. I couldn’t believe that she wasn’t a child anymore and it brought a tear to my eyes as she laughed and joked with all of her friends. “She’s not a baby anymore” I heard Adam say as he walked up beside me placing his arm around my shoulder and pulling me into his side. Since Cassidy’s death he had moved into the main house with us, sleeping in the guest room, but neither of us touching on what Cassidy had made us promise him before he had gone in for surgery.

“Tell me about it” I sighed, wrapping my arm around his waist as I leaned my head against his shoulder. “Where did the time go?” I asked, smiling as I recalled the cute little toddler I had fallen in love with the first time I had laid eyes on her. “It seems like she was just a baby yesterday and now she’s an adult who is going to be leaving for college in just five months” I didn’t want to even think about that idea as I stepped away from Adam and grabbed myself a beer out of a nearby cooler “I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself once she’s gone” I didn’t have to turn around to feel Adam’s eyes on me, knowing that I was going to have to deal with him sooner then later.

“We need to talk about it Kris” He confirmed my fears as I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I replied.

“I know…but not right now” I said, walking away from him as I grabbed my daughters hand and led her towards the table overflowing with birthday presents. I knew that I was only postponing the inevitable, but I wasn’t ready and the truth of the matter was I didn’t know when I was going to be ready.

A month later the two of us watched as she graduated from high school as valedictorian of her class, both so proud as she accepted her diploma, blowing us a kiss as she walked across the stage. “You can’t keep avoiding me forever” He whispered against my ear later that night as we danced together at her graduation party. I knew he was right because I had made it very obvious in the weeks before that party that I was going out of my way to avoid being alone with him. Yes, I knew we needed to have that talk, but I also knew that when we did that Adam was going to be anything but happy about it.

“You know that I don’t have a problem with you getting together with Uncle Adam right?” Clara blurted out one night out of the blue as we sat together at the dinner table, she having to pound my back several times in order to clear the salmon I was choking on from my throat. “I’m just saying that it’s been months since daddy’s death and I’m leaving for college in less then a month and I just don’t want you to be alone in this big house and besides you know that you two belong together”

“Clara…” I didn’t know what I wanted to say so I said nothing as I shoveled another bite of food into my mouth.

“He loves you daddy and I know you love him. It’s what’s meant to be, even daddy knew that. You promised him. I know you love him so why not be with him” She repeated and the truth was that I did love Adam, I couldn’t deny that, but I wasn’t sure if I was really ready to deal with what being with Adam entailed. .

“I do love him and I love you and I know you are worried about me, but I’m fine. Adam and I will talk soon, but for right now nothing else is as important then spending as much time as I can with my baby girl” I wiped at the tear glistening in my eye because as proud of Clara as I was and as much as I wanted her to go and be the adult she needed to be, at the same time I wasn’t ready to let her go just yet.

“You act like I’m moving out of the country”

“No…not out of the country but half way across it” I smiled proudly, recalling the moment she had received the letter from Harvard University accepting her into their Political Science program. It was the proudest moment of my life, even better then winning American Idol and being a top selling recording artist. “Just remember to call your old man from time to time” I wiped at my eyes, chuckling like an old fool as she came around the tabled and hugged me from behind.

“You know that I love you daddy and we are always going to be in each others lives. I won’t ever forget everything that you’ve done for me” She had tears in her eyes as I got up and just held her.

“I don’t regret a second of it. I knew you were mine the moment I laid eyes on you. Just remember that no matter how old you get you are always going to be me baby girl” We both laughed at that, hugging each other for a moment more before letting go and going back to our dinner. A month later we sat together, hands clasped on Adam’s private jet, headed towards her new school and the new life she was about to embark on. Adam couldn’t be there since he was on tour, but he called to check on us ever moment he had, the two of us talking deep into the night about everything and anything once I flew back to my empty home. The house felt so strange and quiet as I walked from room to room remembering the good times and even the bad times. I had tears running down my face at just how much I missed my partner and how unfair it was that he had been taken away from us when he should have been there to share such an important moments with his family. I felt a heavy sadness fall over me as I walked into the living room, deciding that the only way for me to get through that night and my withdrawal from my family was to get totally shitfaced. It was as if Adam could feel my pain because at that very moment the phone rang and once again he just talked to me about anything he could think of to keep my mind off of my loneliness.

He still had another month scheduled on his tour, but that next morning I found Adam standing in the kitchen cooking breakfast. He looked completely exhausted when he turned to face me, putting on a brave smile as he walked over towards me and pulled me into his arms. “What are you doing here?” I asked, closing my eyes, thankful that he was there but confused as hell at the same time.

TBC...


	47. Chapter 47

“I cancelled the rest of my tour” He said with a shrug of indifference like it didn’t matter, but I knew when it came to Adam, touring and his fans always mattered. “You needed me and that is more important then touring”

 

“What….no” I cried out, pushing him away and rushing out of the kitchen.

 

“Where are you going?” He cried out, running after me as I searched frantically for something. “What the fuck are you looking for?” He sounded irritated, but I ignored him as I continued my search, sprinting outside and then into the pool house as I continued to search for what I needed.

 

A smile of triumph crossed my face as I found what I had been looking for, picking it up off of the kitchen counter as I began yet another search. “What the fuck?” I cried out into the phone when I heard a familiar voice on the other end. “You let him cancel the rest of his tour?” I continued to question his manager, slipping away from Adam when he tried to take his phone from me.

 

“I didn’t let him do anything” His manager yelled in reply, Adam screaming at me from behind his closed bedroom door as I ran into the room, slammed the door in his face and locked it. “I got a phone call this morning telling me that he can’t finish out the tour because he had to take care of you and to just make an announcement of apology to his fans and that we will reschedule at a later date. You didn’t know anything about this?” He asked and I could tell that he didn’t believe me when I told him that I had no clue. “The label is ready to lose its mind, threatening to let him out of his contract if he doesn’t finish this tour”

 

“That won’t ever happen. They’d be stupid to even consider letting that happen” I replied smugly because it was a known fact that Adam was one of the biggest, if not the biggest entertainers in the world and he constantly had other labels trying to sway him their way.

 

“Probably not, but this is a multi million dollar tour and there isn’t just the label to think about, there’s the sponsors and the venues as well. They may not drop him but there isn’t anything stopping those people from suing the shit out of him”

 

“Have you done anything yet?” I asked, cursing Adam in my head for being so careless and stupid.

 

“No…I just got the message from Adam a few hours ago. The only people I’ve talked to are at the label and they wanted me to talk to him before they decided anything”

 

“Good…don’t do anything and one of us will call you back in a bit” I said, ending the call as I threw open the bedroom door. “Have you lost your fucking mind?” I cried out, throwing the phone in my hand at Adam before storming over towards him. “You do realize that this is a multi million dollar tour that you are in the process of fucking up right?” I went on, hands on my hips as I waited for Adam to respond.

 

“I don’t care. You need me and that is more important then this stupid tour” Adam replied calmly but his eyes relayed anything but calm.

 

“You could get dropped from your label…sued by the sponsors” I tried to reason with him but he hasn’t having it.

 

“I don’t care. They can fucking sue me until I don’t have a penny to my name because this is where I need to be” His answer shocked me as I took a step back because I knew right then and there that him being there really had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him.

 

“You have to go back” I tried again, turning to walk away from him, but he didn’t allow it as he grabbed me by the arm and forced me to turn around. “Adam…” I cried out, unable to say anything else as he covered my lips with his lips. “Adam…no” I tried to push him away, but he only held onto me tighter as he tried to kiss me once again. “I said no…” I screamed, finally getting my wits about me and shoving away from him so hard that I lost my footing and fell to the floor when he finally released me. “What the fuck are you doing?” I asked quickly as I pulled myself up, his eyes full of rage as we watched me stand on the opposite side of the room from him.

 

“I’ve been patient Kris. I’m waited my turn but I’m tired of waiting. It’s time for us to be together” He roared, coming after me with a look in his eyes that I had never seen before, one that actually frightened me a little bit.

 

“No…it’s not time. I’m not ready” I held my ground, staring up to him in full out defense mode.

 

“I don’t care. I’ve waited long enough. You’re mine and it’s time that we be together” I felt his hands encircle my arms before he pulled me against his chest and attempted to kiss me again” I didn’t move a muscle as he tried over and over again to stimulate me, but no matter how hard he tried it wasn’t working. As much as I wanted to fight him I was in too much shock and disbelief to do anything other then stand there and allow him to continue his efforts. “Don’t do this to me Kris…please” He finally spoke, his voice softer, less determined as he let go of me and allowed me to step away from him. “We belong together. It’s time for us to be together. We’re soul mates…we belong together”

 

“I can’t…not yet” I said, tears rolling down my cheeks because I knew I was hurting him, but I really wasn’t ready. Cassidy had only been dead a short time and despite the fact that I knew that he had given his approval for Adam and I to be together once he was gone, I was still in morning and I wasn’t anywhere near ready to even consider giving my heart away again, not even to my soul mate.

 

“Why are you doing this to me?” He asked and the pain in his voice tore at my heart, but not enough to change my mind. “It’s time for us to be together. It’s destiny, you know that”

 

“Adam…I don’t know what you want me to say” Was all I could come up with hating that all I seemed to be doing was hurting him when all he wanted to do was love me.

 

“I want you to tell me that you love me” He rushed out, hope in his eyes once again.

 

“I do love you Adam…I’ve always loved you” I meant those words as I went over to him and wrapped my arms around his neck. “I just can’t give you what you want now” I felt his body stiffen, but he didn’t move away as he wrapped his arms around my waist. “I need time to grieve” The tears flowed even harder at just how much I still missed Cassidy, but also due to the fact that I knew I was about to break Adam’s heart in the worst way possible.

 

“When will you be ready?” He asked and I could hear the pain once again.

 

“I don’t know” I replied truthfully, moving back enough to look at his face. “Cassidy’s death left a huge hole in my heart and I need time to grieve”

 

“You knew his death was coming. You know you and I belong together, so why are you fighting this?” I couldn’t help but gasp in shock at those words, pulling out of his arms altogether because I couldn’t believe how selfish and hurtful he was being towards me.

 

“I can’t believe you just said that” I held my hand to my mouth, still in shock as the tears literally poured down my face. “Do you not realize how much I loved Cassidy…how much I still love him. He was my partner, my lover and I was his soul mate and that meant everything to me. You seemed to think that I was just with him because of this fucking destiny bull shit…but I fucking loved him with my entire heart. You have no idea how hard it is to get up each morning expecting to see him lying there beside me and to have it slapped in my face that he’s gone. I’m sorry if that hurts you Adam, but you’ve been there for most of it and it just shocks me that you couldn’t see that there was true love between the two of us. I’ve hardly had time to morn and you want me to just give my heart freely to you like the last decade didn’t exist. I can’t do that and I won’t do that. I wish that I’d never heard of this fucking destiny. Other then that fact that it brought Cassidy and Clara into my life it’s been nothing but a fucking nightmare” My heart broke for the tenth time that day as I watched Adam sob quietly in front of me. “I’m sorry that I’m hurting you, but I just don’t know what you want from me”

 

“I want to get married…want to start a family...spend the rest of my life with you” He replied, his voice hardly above a whisper and I had to close my eyes for a moment because I couldn’t bear to look at his broken down form any longer.

 

“I can’t give that to you” I whispered back, my throat aching and painful from the tears still raining down my own cheek and the pain within my heart. “I think that we need some time apart” I finally opened my eyes, wanting to close them again at the look of shocked hurt staring back at me.

 

"Are you asking me to move out?" He looked absolutely horrified; his eyes wide and full of tears as he waited for me to respond.

 

"No...Adam...no" I cried out, rushing back into his chest and clinging to the cloth of his shirt, fully noticing that he wasn't trying to hold me back. "This is your home and I would never ask you to move away from it"

 

"Then how exactly do you expect this to work then?" The anger was back but I couldn't blame him for it because I knew I kind of deserved it.

 

"I'm going out of the country" I blurted out quickly before I really knew what I was saying. The truth was I really had no plans to leave the country, but as the silence settled around us I decided that it was actually a pretty damn good idea on many levels.

 

"You're running away" He was practically growling and as much as I knew he was right I flat out denied it. "Of course you are" He went on his voice rising. "It's what you do when things don't go your way, you fucking run"

 

"I need a break" I corrected, biting my tongue and curbing the urge to punch the shit out of him. It amazed me that as much as I loved and cared for Adam, he always seemed to push my buttons enough to make me want to physically hurt him.

 

"Need a break from what? Grow the fuck up Kris. You're running away and you know it" He roared, stepping into my space and nudging me forcefully with his chest. "Why don't you man up and just deal with the fact that no matter what you say or where you run you and I are meant to be together" He nudged me again, causing me to take a step back. I had seen Adam angry a lot in the time that I’d known him but that was the first time that his anger was wholly directed at me and once again I became nervous.

 

"Knock it off Adam" I warned, but there was a quiver to my voice as I took a small step back.

 

"What's the matter Kris the truth hurt?" He crowded me again, causing my own anger to spike once again.

 

"Fuck you Lambert" Was my retort as I placed my hands on his chest and shoved him back.

 

"No Allen...fuck you" He shoved me back as I once again found myself ass ended on the floor.

 

“You son of a bitch” My turn as I jumped off of the floor and dummy tackled him to the ground that time. He knew what was coming next as he wrapped his arms as tight as he could around me because he knew now that I had been provoked that I wouldn’t have a problem lashing out at him. “I hate you” I spit out so venomously that he actually loosened his hold on me for a split second before tightening it once again. “I hate you” I screamed again, not getting a verbal response but a physical one as he flipped me onto my back, pinning my body to the floor with the brunt of his body. “I wish I’d never met you. You and your fucking destiny have ruined my life” I continued to yell anything that came to mind even though I didn’t mean any of it. “Just leave me alone Adam…please” I begged loudly, thrashing and kicking in hopes of him just releasing me and when he did I actually found myself stupefied.

 

“I wish I’d never meet you either because ever since that day I came to you after Matt left you you’ve been breaking my heart over and over again” He said to me with tears rolling down his face and a tone to his voice that caused my heart to go cold. He didn’t say anything else as he got up from the floor, gave me one last sad and heartbreaking look before running out of the house. I wanted to go after him, I really did, but I knew that the best thing for me to do was to just leave and pray that one day when I was ready Adam would forgive me and allow me back into his life. Two days later found me on a plane bound for a country that I didn’t care for but I knew that if Adam decided to change his mind before I was ready and come looking for me, it was a place that he wouldn’t ever think to.

TBC...


	48. Chapter 48

I hated Paris with a passion from the first moment I stepped out of the airport and into the snowy night. I had been there one time before on tour and I had hated it then as much as I hated it the last time. It was always so busy; the people seemed more sophisticated and well dressed compared to my laid back self and it just made me feel small. I didn’t like the food or the dirty looks I received whenever I attempted to order it in the broken French I spoke. I hated the over the top hotel with all its gold trimming and ornate accessories, but what I hated more was the fact that Adam loved everything about Paris and as much as I wanted some space from him, I missed him so much I sometimes found it hard to breathe. I was completely miserable but what made it worse was the fact that not only was Adam not speaking to me but my own daughter as well. I had tried to call her after I had gotten settled into my hotel, but she told me she was too busy to talk to me and her tone was so cold that it made my heart hurt. I had tried to call her the next day and the day after that and she still refused to talk to me and with each let down I fell even deeper into a depression. Alcohol became my best friend as I emptied the mini bar, then having a bottle of Jack Daniels delivered to my room where I sat in the dark and drank alone until the bottle was nearly empty.

Clara finally called me back on my forth night there and I was so shitfaced drunk that I could hardly answer my phone. “Are you drunk?” She asked with concern in his voice and for some reason it, along with the mix of nothing but alcohol in my system caused me to break down into tears and sob my heart out. “Oh daddy…I’m so sorry” I heard her tearful reply, but I couldn’t do anything else but continue to cry as I hung up the phone, curled up into a ball and cried even harder. My phone rang several times after that, but I didn’t answer it because I was too out of it, but mostly because I was so fucking embarrassed that I had broken down in front of my child like that. Adam’s ring tone came next, causing the tears to come even harder because I knew Clara had called him and as upset as I was about the way that I had treated him, I was also pissed off that they were confiding in each other because I knew her cold shoulder had been due to what Adam had told her about us. Picking up the phone I hurled it as hard as I could, laughing hysterically when in my drunken state it landed on the floor right in front of me. I must have passed out after that because I woke up the next morning curled up on the floor and with a pounding headache to match. Images of Cassidy hit me so hard and so fast in that moment that I sort of lost myself, a fresh bout of pain and tears overcoming me as I curled into a fetal position and willed death to come and take me as well.

I wasn’t so lucky as I woke up several hours later with an even more intense headache and an uneasy stomach to match it. I barely made it to the bathroom before I vomited up the entire contents of my stomach and then some before lying in a semi haze on the cool tile floor. I really had no idea what was going on around me as my vision came in and out, but I could have sworn I heard a woman screaming in French before I lost all sense of reality yet again. When I woke up I found a man sitting at the end of my bed and my frazzled assistant pacing behind him on the phone. “So he awakes” I heard the man speak in broken English as I attempted to sit up, thinking better of it as the room began to sway before my eyes.

“Oh thank fuck” I heard my assistant cry out, trying to figure out how she was there when I hadn’t even told her where I was going before I left. “He’s awake. Ok…hold on” She continued to speak, my head fuzzy and muffled as I tried to keep up with her and everything that was going on. “Adam wants to speak to you” I heard her say as she held out the phone to me.

“No…” I murmured barely above a whisper as my head lolled to the side because it was all the effort I had left in me.

“Mister Allen will not be speaking to anyone while he is under my care” I figured the man must be a doctor as he reached forward and placed his hand on my forehead. I wanted to laugh at how cliché his words and actions seemed to me, but I thought better of it as I eyed my assistant still frantically talking to Adam on the phone. “How do you feel?” He asked, lying his hands in his lap, gazing at me with sharp eyes as he waited for my reply.

“Dead…” Was the only word I could come up with as I continued to lie there unable to move.

“Not surprising considering the amount of alcohol you consumed” He replied off handedly.

“What the hell where you thinking Kris?” My assistant piped up from behind him and the truth was I didn’t even know where to start so I just closed my eyes and pretended to fall asleep.

“He’s very lucky. He was on the verge of alcohol poisoning but not quite. Ideally he should be brought to a hospital and given fluids and monitored, but since he is famous and I’ve already spoken to his manager that is not an option. He just needs to rest and take theses for the headache he will no doubt have when he once again wakes up” I heard what sounded like a bottle of pills be passed off, but I didn’t open my eyes to see it because my head really was hurting like a bitch. “You may want to consider talking to him about going to a program because this could have been deadly, but maybe that is what he wants” He didn’t know how close to the truth he was as I continued to remain silent.

“I’ll talk to him…thank you doctor” I heard her say and then I heard nothing else.

I woke up several hours later with the same pain across my head as before but I had to pee so I pushed past it and forced myself out of bed. I didn’t see my assistant in the room but I could hear her talking on the phone in the other room and I didn’t have to hear who it was to know it was Adam once again. She was sitting on a chair next to the bed when I came out of the bathroom with tears in her eyes and her phone still in her hand. “You need to call you daughter and Adam right away because they are both freaking the fuck out” I was shocked at her use of language because in all the years that she had been my assistant I had never heard her curse once. “What were you thinking? Were you trying to kill yourself?” I watched as she wiped a tear from her eye and even though I didn’t think it was possible to feel any worse, I did.

“No…not really” I rasped, my throat dry and painful as I reached out and took the bottle of water she had already waiting for me.

“The doctor said you are only to take small sips at a time so you don’t throw up and if that pain is too bad you are to take two of these” She held up a pill bottle, but I shook my head no as I climbed back into the bed and pulled the covers over my lap. “Care to explain what’s been going on with you?” She asked staring me straight in the eye as if daring me to lie to her. “You call me out of the blue and tell me that you are taking a vacation and yet you won’t tell me where your going and then I get a phone call from the hotel telling me that you were found almost dead in your room in Paris…a place that I know you hate with a passion. None of it makes any sense”

“How did you get here so fast?” I asked, taking another sip from the bottle of water, but I already knew the answer.

“Adam had his private jet waiting for me at the airport. I called him after I got the call from the hotel because I didn’t know what else to do” She had tears in her eyes once again and I felt once again like the biggest douche bag on the planet.

“Why isn’t he here?” But I already knew that answer as well.

“I really thought he would be considering its you, but he said that he was still on tour and that you’d be better off without him here” I knew right then and there that he hadn’t come because of how things had ended between us and my heart broke just a bit more. I wondered briefly how it was that I was still alive when pretty much most of my heart had been decimated with Cassidy’s death and the hundreds of other reasons it was chipped away at more and more with each fucked up thing that I had said or done to the people that meant the most to me. “Were you trying to kill yourself?” She repeated her earlier question and I knew she deserved an answer as I took a deep breath forced myself to sit forward.

“Not really” I said again, taking another breath before speaking again. “Since Cassidy’s death, I’ve been kind of lost and then Adam and I got into a fight and I just wanted to forget about how fucked up my life had become and I guess maybe I went too far” I stopped for a moment, taking in yet another breath and then another sip of water before going on. “I won’t say that I wasn’t thinking that I might be better off dead, but I have too much to live for. I just wanted to forget about the bad stuff for awhile”

“Don’t do it again” Was her reply as she got up and walked across the room, picking up my phone and handing it to me. “I made sure it’s charged. Call your daughter and then Adam and then we can talk”

“Angela…” I cried out toward her retreating figure as she walked towards the bedroom door, closing my eyes at the rush of pain I felt shoot through my entire body. “I’m sorry and thank you” She didn’t say anything, just gave me a quick smile that never quite reached her eyes before leaving the room and closing the door behind her.

I had no concept of what time it was in Paris since I was still pretty much out of it and the room was dark, but I could tell that Carla didn’t seem to care when I finally found the courage to call her. It was a tough phone call for me to make, but I knew calling Adam was going to be even tougher because of that way I had just ran away and left things. I apologized to her for my behavior on the phone, and went on to explain why I had gotten to the point that I’d had. I told her how much it had hurt me that she and Adam just expected me to get over the fact that the man that I really did love was gone and just fall into another relationship so quickly before I had the chance to grieve and get used to the fact that he was really gone. We both cried over that fact that we both missed Cassidy so much as she admitted that she never really gave it much thought how his death would affect me because she had already known that Adam and I were destined to be together. I didn’t say anything about how Adam had practically attacked me and demanded that we be together because as jealous as I was about their close relationship I didn’t want to tarnish it in the least little bit, because I knew it was special and important between the two of them. I never did find out if she knew or not, but I suspected he told her some of it as she explained to me exactly what had been going through his mind before I left.

“He’s been in love with you from the moment he saw you and although you probably never knew it, it’s been so painful watching you live your life with only him on the sidelines. He’s not a patient man as you know” We both laughed at that because it was true and as he got older his patience with just about anything seemed to grow thinner. “He just lost his head for a moment because he’s wanted nothing more in his life then to be with the man that he’s always loved”

I had tears in my eyes once again because I couldn’t even fathom the pain and the ache that Adam must have felt while watching Cassidy and I live our lives together. “I didn’t know” I supplied weekly, but after I had said them I quickly realized that I really did know and yet I just ignored it because it was something that I didn’t want to face. “You know I really hate that he confides in you for everything” I laughed sadly, but there was a huge part of that statement that was so very true.

“Who else would he talk to about this?” She shot back, but there wasn’t any anger laced in those words. “You’re the love of his life and after everything that happened between the two of you, you allowed him back into your life. He still loved you so much and was willing to wait until he could make you see that you belonged together and then you run off to Australia and come back talking about love and destiny and before he knows it Daddy’s back in your life and you have a family. I don’t think you know this but he told me that my mother had came to L.A. for a short while when I was just a baby and talked to him. She explained to him as I’m sure she did you about your destiny and how daddy and I where a part of it. He accepted it, but for years he had no one to talk to about it. I’m the only one who understands what he’s going through and how destiny although important has fucked with his and all of our lives throughout the years”

“He must hate me so much right now” I sniffled, holding my head in my hand because I felt as if I had a herd of elephants running back and forth across it.

“He’s angry and he’s hurt, but daddy that man could never hate you” She replied softly. “Call him” Were the last things she said before she told me how much she loved me and ended our phone call. I decided to take some of the pain reliever Angela had left in my room, finishing the rest of the bottled water before I placed that call that I knew was probably going to be the most painful one I had ever made in my entire life.

TBC...


	49. Chapter 49

“Are you ok?” He asked in way of greeting once he had answered the phone.

“No…” I decided to be truthful, taking a deep breath and closing my eyes for a moment as the sadness in his voice washed over me. “I’m sorry”

“You have nothing to be sorry for” He replied, but I could hear that he was only trying to humor me and not cause me anymore grief.

“Can we please just be truthful with each other” I sighed, hating that I was going to dredge up more pain, but knowing that it was going to be the best thing for the both of us and it had to be done if we were going to move forward.

“Ok…” He replied softly. "You really hurt me" He jumped right in, my breath catching in my throat as I waited for him to continue. "You told me you hated me and wished you'd never met me...did you really mean that?"

"Adam...." I sounded like I had gargled nails, shocked and hurt that he actually thought I meant those words. "You can't really think that I meant those words" The silence I received in response proved to me that he in fact believed that I did mean those words and it caused my eyes to tear up. "I was angry and I just said the first things that came to my mind"

"I guess I should count myself lucky because normally when your angry its your fists that usually do the talking" He tried to laugh it off, but it reminded me once again just how hateful I had been to Adam after American Idol and even more recently.

"I know I've been hateful to you in the past and this last time was no exception and you can't know how sorry I am for my actions, but you have to know that you hurt me as well" It was my turn to be truthful.

"I only reacted to your words Kristopher" He shot back with an edge to his voice.

"I'm not talking about when you said that you hated me too. I'm talking about the fact that you just seemed to think that I should fall into your arms so soon after Cassidy's death. I get that you've been waiting and I can't even imagine how hard it was to watch as Cassidy and I lived our lives together, but you acted like what we had wasn't real" I started to cry then, but I was determined to say what I had to say. “Because it was real Adam. It was so real that I feel as if my heart is literally broken at how much I miss him” I cried even harder, hiding my face in the hand that wasn’t holding the phone. "I just miss him so much Adam” I wailed, unable to speak anymore because of the weight of the pain coursing throughout my entire body.

“I know you do and you’re right” Adam spoke softly in my ear as I tried to control myself but failing miserably because since Cassidy’s death I really hadn’t had time to morn his loss and I knew it was something that I had to do and Adam had to be a part of that. “I was so jealous because I knew the two of you really loved each other and Cassidy was my friend and you’re my friend and I knew that I needed to give you time but I was so tired of waiting that I couldn’t think of anything else” He rushed out causing the tear factor to go up a notch for both of us. “I just love you so much Kris and I just wanted to start a life with you because you have no idea how painful its been watching you be with someone else, no matter how much I loved Cassidy. Before I knew anything about fucking destiny and Clara’s mother’s intuition…I knew you were the one for me. I’ve always known and as much as I want to be part of your life as more then your friend, I know that I have to let you be until you are ready” I was a complete crying mess after those words sunk in as I laid back against the pillows and allowed every painful emotion to roll over me.

We sat in silence for a long time after that, each crying, listening to each other breathe. "Do you remember that first Christmas we spent together as a couple?" Adam finally broke the silence, actually putting a smile on my face, not only at the memory but also at the idea that we could speak about our past and actually smile about it.

"Yeah..." I sniffled, wiping at my eyes. "We didn't have any money for a Christmas tree or decorations" Wondering where Adam was going with his story.

"You told me that you didn't care if we celebrated it but I could tell that it was killing you to say it"

"I just wanted our first Christmas to be perfect, wanted to start traditions that we would share every year and then you had to go and ruin it by telling me you were Jewish" I laughed softly as I recalled how disappointed I had been finding out even though I tried to hide it.

"I could always just look into your eye to know what you were feeling" He sighed, then chuckled. "I knew then that I had to make it the best Christmas ever for you"

"It wouldn't have been hard since previous Christmas's after my family died were nonexistent since my uncle and aunt always went away for the holidays and left me home alone" A small surge of anger rushed through me as I recalled how horrible those two had been to me when I had been forced to live with them and I briefly wondered what had come of them after I had run away. It didn't last long as I decided that they were probably both dead and I really didn't care.

"I knew that too baby and that's why I wanted to make it special for you" I couldn't help but smile again because Adam had nearly driven himself mad as he tried to make it the perfect Christmas for me.

"By the time Christmas came I was ready to kill you" I laughed, remembering how impossible it was to deal with him although I knew he was doing it for me.

"Everything I tried fell to shit" He continued with our travel down memory lane. "I went to buy you a tree and the only one I could afford was more pathetic then the Charlie Brown tree and then I tried to make my own decorations, but all I managed to do was burn the shit out of myself with the hot glue gun and we won't even go into the dinner I tried to make for you"

"You almost burned the building down" I was in near hysterics as I recalled coming home from work and finding black smoke billowing into the hallway when I opened the front door. "It was the best Christmas ever" I admitted once the laughter had died down because despite all of Adam's failures to make it the best holiday ever for me, the fact that he loved me enough to try was enough.

"It was a disaster" He laughed again, trying to play off how much my words meant to him.

"It was perfect because it proved to me how much you loved me" I replied, hoping that he knew I meant those words.

"I really did. I still do" Was his nervous response and it hurt my heart once again that I couldn't give him what he wanted most at that time.

"I still do too" I replied and I meant those words.

"I know you do"

"I won't ask you to wait for me Adam. I'll understand if you try to find someone because you deserve to be happy and with someone that can give you what you need" I rushed out truthfully, but I couldn't help the pang of jealousy that hit me afterwards.

"Do you honestly think that there's anyone else on this planet that can truly give me what I need Kris" Adam asked and I could hear the agitation in his voice. "You are it for me and you always will be. I've been waiting this long, I can wait until you're ready"

"Adam...." I whispered his name, growing misty eyed once again. "I don't deserve you".

"No you don't...but I love you anyway" He chuckled, breaking the tension. "So what's your plan?"

“I don’t really have one” I replied truthfully because the original plan had been to get as far away from Adam as I could but I had never thought any further then that.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“You know you can ask me anything”

“Why Paris? You hate Paris”

“I knew you knew how much I hated it and that you wouldn’t come looking for me here” I decided to be truthful because I knew if I had tried to lie that he would have seen right though it.

“I can’t say that doesn’t sting a little bit, but I understand it” I could hear the underlying of hurt there, but I didn’t say anything because I knew Adam really did understand why I had to leave. “Will you keep in touch while you’re away?” He sounded like a shy little boy and for some odd reason it caused me to smile.

“I’ll call you everyday” Was my response because I knew that despite the fact that I couldn’t wait to get away from him, that I couldn’t lose all contact with him for long. Adam was a part of me and I knew that he always would be no matter what fucked up shit we had to go through in our lives.

“I’m going to hold you too that” He sounded more sure of himself and it caused me to smile yet again. “Are you going to keep your personal assistant with you?”

“No…I’m sending her back to the States tomorrow” I knew a fight was about to ensue as I closed my eyes and waited for it to happen.

“I really think that you should keep her there with you. I know you don’t have a plan Kristopher but you might need her. I don’t like the idea of you wandering around a country that you don’t even like. You don’t even speak the language and I know that she does and she could be helpful” He rushed out his many reasons for keeping Angela there with me, but I knew the true reason was because he could coheres her to spy on me.

“Are you done?” I asked, chuckling at the low growl I heard on the other end of the line.

“Yes…” He bit out, knowing that he wasn’t going to win no matter how many reasons he had for her to stay. “Will you at least promise me that you will stay out of trouble and no more drinking yourself stupid?”

“That I can do” I promised, smiling like a loon as we said our goodnights and ended our call. “You heard?” I asked Angela as I looked at the door and found her standing there.

“No all of it but the tail end yes. You're sending me back home tomorrow. I’ve already booked my flight. Are you planning to keep in touch with me too?” She questioned, sitting in the chair across from the bed.

“No…this isn’t work related. This is all about having some time to myself to think about and work through some things” I supplied, smiling at the woman who had pretty much run my life since American Idol. “You’ve been with me a long time” I said, not understanding the look of terror on her face after I had said those words. “What?” I cried out, the dull ache in my head turning up a notch.

“You’re not firing me are you?” She asked and I had to laugh because it was the furthest thing on my mind.

“No…but I am giving you an extended vacation with pay” I replied quickly in order to remove the fear from her face. “I haven’t decided how long this trip of mine is going to be but while I’m gone I want you to enjoy some time off as well. I think that it’s time that you find a life outside of my life don’t you think?” I winked because she had been an amazing personal assistant and I was starting to feel guilty that she didn’t have a life other then keeping mine on the straight and narrow.

“There’s still so much to do pertaining to your life even when you’re not there” She smiled back as she got up and stood before me. “I’ll take some time off, but you can forget this extended vacation shit because without me your life would be even more fucked up then it is now” I couldn’t help but agree with her.

“Angela…will you do one thing for sure for me?” I asked, knowing that I had no right to ask it of her. “Will you keep an eye on Adam for me?”

She looked at me for a long time before she spoke again. “The two of you will be together then?”

“Eventually…yes” I answered her because it was the truth and it was better that she know it before it actually happened.

“He really loves you. He always has” She shocked me with her words because I hadn’t known she had been paying attention, but then again I realized that it was me that hadn’t really been paying attention when it came to Adam and how much he loved me.

“I know” I returned. “Our relationship has always been interesting” It was the only word I could come up with at the time to describe our relationship, but the more that I thought about it the more it seemed to be the perfect fit. “I just want you to know that I loved Cassidy with my entire heart when we were together and Adam and I never crossed any lines” I told a little white lie figuring she didn’t have to know about that night that Cassidy brought the two of us together to ease the constant tension between us.

“I never doubted you for a second. There was no doubt the there was anything but love between you and Cassidy” She said with a slight blush, looking at her phone when it beeped in her hand. “My reservation has been confirmed. I leave tomorrow at two thirty in the afternoon. Gives you enough time to sleep your hangover away and then take me to lunch before you drop me off at the airport”

“Deal” I wanted to hug her but the idea of leaving the bed actually frightened me a little bit because my stomach and head were still at odds with me.

“Oh and Kris…” She said as she hung back from the door. “I’ll keep an eye on him”

“Thank you…for everything. See you tomorrow” I croaked out, not understanding where the tears were coming from as I reached over and turned off the light, burrowing under the protection of the covers.

TBC...


	50. Chapter 50

I woke up the next morning with the hangover from hell, not feeling any better after a shower and a few cups of coffee. "Maybe I should stay another day or so" I heard my assistant say as she sat across from me in the hotel restaurant. "You really don't look so good"

"I'll be ok mom" I groaned, flinching at the dirty look she shot me. "Sorry" I sighed, smiling miserably at the waitress as she refilled my coffee cup. "I'll be ok...really" I assured, taking a sip from my freshly filled cup.

"I'm going to give you a reprieve and let you go back to bed and I'll take a cab to the airport" She smiled at me, giving my hand a gentle pat.

"No...I have a car and I can take you" I protested, closing my eyes at the wave of nausea that washed over me.

“If you think for one second that I’m going to allow you to drive me to the airport in your condition then you don’t know me as well as you should” She wagged her finger at me, scolding me but with a smile on her face. “Really…it’s ok” A few minutes later we said our goodbyes in the lobby of the hotel.

I went back to bed after she left, pretty much sleeping the day away and then most of the next one for lack of anything better to do. By the third day complete boredom had set in and I forced myself to go out and at least do something. I just walked the streets for several hours, my mind working in overtime as I recalled how strange and wondrous my life had been since I had run off to California after I had escaped my evil family. I remembered the first time I had laid eyes on Adam and how I had broken down into a sniveling mess in front of him because despite the fact that I didn’t know him or hadn’t even laid eyes on my new home, I was free. I remembered the first time I met Cassidy and the first time he had kissed me and how quickly I had fallen in love with him. A few tears slid down my cheek at just how much I missed him, but they were happy tears as well as images of all the happy times we spent together began to play inside my head. I was feeling so much better about my destiny as I found a seat in a small café, staring at the coffee drink before me wearily. I had only wanted a plain coffee and yet for some reason the young punk behind the counter didn’t seem to understand that and before I knew it I had some strange looking brew that looked like mud on the table before me. I was just about to take a sip when my phone rang. “Hey Adam” I smiled as I answered it, grimacing as I ventured a sip, sticking my tongue out in displeasure at the horrible taste.

“You know you have a lot of nerve you little shit” I received as a greeting, causing me to laugh because I already knew what he was complaining about. “You won’t let me keep your assistant there to keep an eye on you, so you send her back here to keep an eye on me”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about” I lied with a giggle, trying another taste of my supposed coffee and deciding it didn’t taste so bad the second time.

“You’re assistant has pretty much avoided me from the moment she met me and now in the last two days she has been over here checking on me, calling my cell to see if I need anything and it’s just plain weird. My own assistant is shitting kittens because she thinks that I am getting ready to replace her. What’s the deal Kristopher?”

“I told her that you are I were going to be together eventually” I shrugged. “She used to help Cassidy out from time to time as well so maybe that’s why” I half lied, refusing to admit that I had actually put her up to anything.

“You told her we were going to be together?” His voice was so soft that it made my heart squeeze and that time it was a happy squeeze.

“Yes…” I replied quietly, taking another sip of my coffee.

“Well she can call me or come annoy me at home as much as she wants” He giggled like a schoolgirl causing me to smile from ear to ear as just how happy he sounded. “I miss you”

“I miss you too Adam” I responded and the truth was that I really did miss him, but I wasn’t ready to go home by any means just yet. I didn’t know it at the time but there was a reason for me being in Paris, I just had to stick around long enough to find out what it was.

TBC...


	51. Chapter 51

I found out what it was just a few weeks later as I sat in the same cafe, drinking my new favorite cup of coffee, just watching the people walking by me. It was another lazy day as my mind wandered back to my younger days. I found that with each day that passed I was coming to terms with it and little by little accepting that Cassidy was no longer in my life. I did better during the day when I was out and about the city keeping myself busy, but at night as I laid in my bed alone I found myself missing him so badly. I talked to Adam every single day and that helped me to move past my pain and with each day that passed I found myself falling more in love with him then I ever thought possible.

"All my ever loving stars" I heard a shrill voice cry out on a sunny afternoon as I enjoyed my coffee. "I can't fucking believe it...Kris Allen is that you?" I felt myself cringe, thinking that it was a fan of mine or worse one of Adam's fans as I closed my eyes and wished them away. They all seemed to know that we were great friends and lived near each other and it didn't stop them from asking the most ridicules questions whenever one of them ran into me. However, it turned out to be worse then anyone I could have expected as I turned around and found Adam's former boyfriend standing beside me.

"You've got to be kidding me" Blurted out of my mouth before I could stop it. Laughter came next as I watched a range of emotions flash across his face before a sneer settled there.

"Nice to see you to jerk face" He came back with an evil retort, causing me to laugh even harder because as much as I didn't want to believe in destiny I had a feeling Brad Bell was the reason I needed to stay there, although I didn't know why.

"Brad Bell...good to see you" I cried out, giving him a quick hug before ushering him to sit in the empty seat next to mine. "Would you like a coffee?" I didn't wait for him to respond before I rushed up to the counter asking for two coffees before rushing back.

"Thanks for asking me what I wanted" He leered at me, but it didn't stop him from drinking from the cup I had placed before him. "I'm sorry to hear about Cassidy" He said, deflating me in a second as I choked on the sip of coffee I had taken at that time.

"How?" I stuttered, unable to say anything else from the shock that a man from Adam's past would know about the death of my lover.

"I've kept in touch with Adam all these years" I knew I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I actually found that I was. We sat in silence for a few minutes, both of us seeming to be lost in thought before he spoke again. “You do know that the only reason that we kept in touch at the beginning was because he wanted me to keep track on you don’t you?”

“Why?” I asked without even really thinking.

“Beats me” Brad shrugged, eyeing me over his coffee cup as he took another sip. “Him and Cassidy both asked me to keep them updated about you, but I don’t think either one of them ever knew about it. They were both so head over fucking heels in love with you and yet I could never figure out why. I mean…I’m more fabulous then you are and yet Adam threw me to the curb the first chance he got”

“You fucking cheated on him” I shouted at his nerve, not caring that I was getting dirty looks by the other people in the café.

“I fucking cheated on him because he had cheated on me long before I ever did for all intents and purposes” He responded with a sneer.

“That doesn’t make any sense. He loved you and you broke his heart” I countered, glaring at him so hard as I recalled the night Adam had broken down in my arms over Brad’s betrayal. I hoped my eyes dared him to even consider telling a lie because if he did my fists were going to ensure he never told another one again.

“He may not have physically cheated on me, but the moment he laid eyes on you he started to slip away from me” I wanted to argue and tell him that he was full of shit, but I couldn’t say a word as I recalled Adam telling me the first night we kissed that it had been love at first sight for him. “I tried everything in my power to be what he wanted, but it was a lost cause because little by little he started to slip away. You were with Cassidy and yet he still loved you so fucking much. I should hate you for what you did to me”

“I didn’t know until after he broke up with you” I stated dumbly, not sure what to make of our conversation and why we were even having it in the first place.

“Yeah, well…I always thought you were pretty clueless anyway” Brad replied, but I didn’t see any anger in his eyes as he continued to stare at me.

"Why are you here Brad? Did Adam send you?"

I never got a reply as there was a small commotion behind me. "You know you could help me out here Bradley, considering all of this is yours" I heard a more then familiar voice say and I spun around and came almost face to face with someone else from my past. "Kris..." I heard him cry out, dropping the bags in his hand before he took the necessary steps to reach me and pull me into his arms.

TBC...


	52. Chapter 52

"Matt" I whispered his name, tears in my eyes because I hadn't spoken to Matt since we had split apart in New York. "Matt...oh my god...Matt" My voice got louder, my hold firmer as it hit me hard just how much I had missed having him in my life.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, pulling back, tears in his own eyes before he pulled me back into his arms.

"Get your hands off of my man" Brad yelled, jerking us apart with a look on his face that screamed I’m going to cut you bitch if you even think about it.

“Your man" Matt and I cried out at the same time, both of us looking at Brad as if he'd lost his mind.

"Yes, my man" He shot a dirty look at me before sideling up to Matt and curling into his side.

"Are you and Matt dating?" I shot out, trying to wrap my head around the idea of seeing Matt again after so long and the idea that he was somehow connected to Brad.

"I wouldn't necessary call it dating" Matt replied with a shrug of his shoulders, the three of us still standing in the middle of the café as if in our own little world and not aware of what was going on around us.

"Then what the hell would you call the last two years?" Brad asked astonished, arms across his chest, glaring at Matt in a way that caused me to chuckle, pissing him off even more. "You know what fuck this. I don't need this shit from you or you" He got louder, shooting another evil look at the two of us before he flounced off in a huff.

"So what would you call the last two years? I asked with a grin, both of us sitting down at the table, still ignoring the dirty looks pointed at us.

"Confusing" He sighed, finishing off Brad's coffee. "What the hell is this? It tastes like warm dirt" He grimaced, placing the cup back on the table.

"I came in to order a regular coffee a while back and this is what they gave me. It grows on you after awhile" I blushed, finishing off my own.

"One regular coffee with two creams and one sugar coming right up" He winked at me, walking over towards the same jerky guy who had giving me shit from my first visit. I watched as he spoke to the guy his hands flailing like crazy, his voice getting louder and louder. I couldn't believe how fluent he was in his French, regretting letting him slip from my life the way I had because I had no earthly idea what he had been up to. "There you go" He grinned at me, placing a regular looking cup of coffee in front of me. "He won't give you any shit from now on" He indicated towards the man, raising an eyebrow towards him when he went to say something back at him.

"Do I want to know what you said to him?" I asked.

"Probably not" He responded with a beautiful Matt grin, causing my heart to squeeze at how I used to love looking at his smiling face. “So you want to tell me what you’re doing in Paris?” He asked, diving right in as I savored the delicious taste of real coffee and not the thick brew I had been drinking. “Is it because of Cassidy?” His question caught me off guard, but I kept my emotions in check as I took another swallow of the hot liquid. “I’m so sorry about your loss. I read about it online. I wanted to call you but…”

“It’s ok Matt” I didn’t let him finish because I didn’t want him to take the blame for something I was guilty for as well. “Neither one of us was very good at keeping track of each other after we broke up”

“I know” He replied with a sigh. “I wanted to though. Those first six months I picked up my phone every single day over and over again, but I just couldn’t place that call. I have missed you though”

“Me too” I replied with a small smile. “It was hard for me at the beginning too, but I think that we both know that we made the right decision. I have to admit that I’ve kept up on you from time to time and you’ve done amazing in Europe” It was true because Matt had become as big of a star as Adam throughout Europe and I couldn’t have been happier for him.

“Thanks” He blushed, smiling widely at me once again. “My home is in Germany, but I travel so much that I’m hardly there. I’m here in Paris because I have a show tomorrow night and then I’m back home for a few days before I fly out to Scotland for a couple of shows. I’ve been keeping track of you as well. You and Cassidy seemed like a match made in heaven between your career and his. Shit Kris, I’m sorry” He cried out after he had said those words. “I meant that in a good way”

“I know you did and you’re right we were a match made in heaven” I smiled as I recalled the man who I loved and had changed my life so drastically since he had come back into it. “What about you?” I quickly changed the subject because I didn’t want the mood to sour. “I understand why your in Paris, but just exactly how in the hell did you hook up with Brad Bell?” I questioned, still completely confused about that and dying to know how. “You do know that he and Adam dated when they were both much younger?”

“I didn’t know he and Adam were connected until just a few months ago. I got out of the shower one night after a show and heard him talking to someone on his phone. He wouldn’t tell me who it was when I asked him so later that night while he was sleeping I checked his history and found Adam’s name. He denied knowing what I was talking about when I confronted him and then he finally broke down and told me everything when I threatened to kick him out of my house”

“Are you guys a couple?” My curiosity was killing me because truthfully I couldn’t see the two of them as friends much less lovers.

TBC...


	53. Chapter 53

“On the days he says we are I guess” He shrugged, trying to play it off like it didn’t bother him, but I could tell by looking into his eyes that it really was.

“You’re in love with him” It was a statement because I had seen that very look staring back at me so many years before hand.

“I think from the moment I met his crazy ass” Those words stung a little bit but I held my composer because I really had no reason to be jealous.

“How did the two of you meet?”

“We actually ran into each other at the airport in Frankfurt. He had moved to Germany to be with the man he had been dating at the time and when it didn’t work out he stole his wallet and bought a one way ticket back to the California. I had been in Canada doing some promotion for a small tour and we ended up having a layover together there. I was sitting at a bar and he came and sat beside me. I really don’t know what happened after that because the next thing I knew we had a quickie in the men’s room and then he was trading in his ticket and flying back to Germany with me. We’ve been “together…” He air quoted the word. “Ever since”

“Small world” Was all I could say because it seemed it really was.

“What about you? Why are you here because if I recall you hate France with a fucking passion”

“I just needed some time away after Cassidy’s death. Our daughter started college and I didn’t have any other commitments so I decided to just take a vacation”

“To a country you hate” He said, looking at me in a way that was making me very uncomfortable. “You’re hiding and if I was a betting man…and I am, I would bet that you were hiding from Adam Lambert”

I wanted to deny his words, but I knew that I couldn’t and so I just gave in. “You still know me so well”

“You’ve two have been destined to be together for god knows how long”

“Why…why would you say that” I stammered, wondering if Matt was involved in our so called destiny.

“Because it’s true” He replied as he leaned back in his seat. “Even when you and I were together and you hated his very being there was no denying that you still loved him so much. You know it was the reason I held back from starting a relationship with you because deep down I knew that you and he were always going to end up together in the end”

Again I couldn’t disagree with him. “I really did love you Matt” I said, wanting to make sure he knew that our relationship wasn’t just a game to me.

“I know you did” He reached out and took my hand giving it a gentle squeeze. “I really loved you too”

“I know” I smiled, squeezing back before he let go and we went back to our coffee.

“So are you going to tell me why you’re hiding?” I could see that he wasn’t going to let it go and I opted if I should tell him everything or keep it basic. I decided basic was the better approach since I was kind of worried that he would think I had lost my mind if I went on spouting about destiny.

“Adam wants to move our friendship status into more of a relationship status and I just needed to get away and think about a few things before I’m ready to do anything” I explained in a round about way but I could see he wasn’t getting it at the look he was giving me.

“You know it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about your relationship with Adam. You loved Cassidy and the world knew that, but now he’s gone and even though it hurts you eventually have to move on. You love Adam and I know you want to be with him, but something’s holding you back” I started to tear up at his words, clutching at his hand when he reached out and took mine once again. “What is it?” He asked gently, causing me to tear up even more.

“I’m afraid that once we’re together that I won’t live up to the hype” I sobbed loudly, adding a blush to the mix as I looked around and found the whole café staring at me again. “What if he’s been waiting all this time and then when he finally has me he realizes that I’m not what he wants” I continued to expel my fears, not giving a fuck what those people thought about me. The truth was that I knew we were destined to be together, but there was a small amount of doubt that plagued me constantly that made me think that maybe the whole destiny thing had been a joke and that I would never be good enough for the great icon that was Adam Lambert.

“You’re all he wants and you always have been” Matt replied quickly, cutting my mini panic attack off. “I knew that when we were together and you know that too. Of course you’re scared because you’re looking at this as if it’s a new relationship, but if you look closer he’s still the same man who was head over heels in love with you all those years ago” I didn’t know when Matt became such a genius, but as I thought about what he had said I realized that he was one hundred percent right.

My phone took that exact moment to ring, the person we had been talking about placing that call. “Aren’t you going to answer it?” I heard Matt ask, but I didn’t respond as I allowed it to go to voicemail, listening to the message the moment I received the alert. “Kris…Kris…look I know what it looks like but you have to believe me that I didn’t send Brad there to spy on you. I haven’t talked to him in months and honestly I thought he was still living in Germany with some musician. Baby…please you have to believe me. Please don’t ruin all we’ve worked through because you think I went behind your back. Please call me back Kris. I love you so much and you have to know that I wouldn’t do anything to destroy what we have. Please call me” I could hear the fear and the pain in his voice and it made me love him just a little bit more. I knew that he hadn’t sent Brad to spy on me, realizing once again that there had to be a reason these two had crossed my path. I already knew what I had to do; the problem was figuring out how to actually do it.

“I guess I should go and find Brad” I heard Matt say, grabbing my phone from off of the table where I had placed it. I watched as he put his phone number into it, handing it back to me once he was finished. “I’m going to leave a ticket for you at the box office for tomorrow’s show. I hope you’ll come” He waited for me to respond with a nod before continuing. “I’d like to get together for dinner afterwards if you’d like. Brad and I are flying back home the next day, if he’s speaking to me by then” Matt sighed, picking up the packages he had come in with. “It was really great running into you Kris. I’ll see you tomorrow” Leaning forward he kissed my softly on the lips before exiting the café.

I don’t know why but after he left I felt almost exhausted as I picked up my phone and typed a quick message to Adam. ***I believe you and I love you too. I’m heading back to my hotel now, will call you once I get there***

“You believe me” I heard him question in a panicked voice the moment he answered the phone once I got back to my hotel.

“I believe you” I assured with a smile. “I have to admit though that I was kind of shocked that you kept in touch with him all these years” The truth was I was shocked and then at the same time I wasn’t because this was Adam we were talking about and he cherished all of the people in his life, even the ones who had broken his heart, I was a testament to that. “But then again it’s you so it makes sense” I giggled because I was sure that I didn’t make sense.

“Yeah…” He chuckled but I could hear the relief in his voice.

“Did you know that he was dating Matt?” I asked, the silence across the line letting me know that he did not. “You didn’t know?”

“He told me he was dating a musician, but he never told me his name” He replied his voice then filled with trepidation. “Have you seen him…Matt?”

“I was with him when you called” I told him the truth.

“Oh…”

“Adam…you do know that this changes nothing right?” I asked because I already knew what Adam was thinking. “Matt is my past and you are my future. I love you and I want to be with you”

“I know” He replied, but I could tell that he really didn’t mean it.

“I’m going to tell you something and I want you to listen to me until I’m finished ok?” I took a deep breath because I knew that after I told Adam the true reason as to why I ran that he would see that my words to him were true.

“Sure…”

“You were right, I did run away from you” I confirmed his theory from that horrible day between the two of us in his home. “I meant what I said when I told you that I needed to grieve because I really did, but the real reason that I ran away was because I was afraid that once you and I were together that you would realize that I wasn’t worth the wait, that you had wasted your time on me, that I wasn’t good enough for you”

“Are you drunk again?” Adam roared, the anger slicing through the phone line. “Or are you on fucking crack now?” I knew he was being serious but for some reason his last statement caused me to laugh. “You think this is funny Kristopher?”

“Yes, no…maybe a little” I laughed some more at how stupid I had been but also at Adam trying to be stern even though I could hear the chuckle he tried to hide under his breath. “I really am sorry for running away. I don’t know what the hell you see in me Adam, but you have no idea how thankful I am that you see something worth loving”

“Everything about you is worth loving baby” He replied softly, bringing a tear to my eye because I knew he meant ever fucking word. “Are you ready to come home yet?” He asked and it made me smile again because I realized that I was totally ready to go home, but I still had one more thing left to do before I did.

“Soon” Was my response before I told him everything Matt had told me about he and Brad’s relationship. “I think that I’m supposed to give Brad a kick in the ass and show him just how much Matt loves him and how much he’s hurting him by keeping them casual” I didn’t know any other way to describe it and hoping that Adam would understand my need to help them. “Will you wait just a little bit longer for me?” I asked him, grinning like a loon at the over the top sigh I got in response. “So…what are you wearing?” I asked before he could really answer because I was so happy that I was able to speak my truths to Adam and for some reason it made me more then a little horny as well.

“It’s four in the morning Kris, what do you think I’m wearing?” He replied quickly, an edge of longing there that shot right to my groin because I knew more then likely he wasn’t wearing anything at all.

“I’m not wearing anything either” I lied, the phone flying out of my hand as I tried to hold it and rip the shirt I was wearing over my head. “Fuck…I cried out when it got stuck on my elbow, I lost my balance and rolled off of the bed.

“What are you doing?” I heard Adam laugh loudly as I jerked myself off of the floor, shedding my clothes in a few seconds before jumping under the covers and placing the phone back to my ear. “Did you just fall off the bed trying to get out of your clothes?” He was laughing so hard that he could hardly breathe.

“No…” I lied, sternly or as sternly as possible with the smile spread across my face. “You have me naked and horny as hell in my bed, ready and willing to have phone sex with you. Do you really want to laugh at me now?”

“No baby…I don’t want to laugh at you” His voice grew husky my dick growing even harder. “Jesus…I wish I was there to see you right now”

“I wish you were here too” I rasped, my hand gravitating down my body. “What would you do to me if you were here? Would you suck me off and then fuck me until I couldn’t stand anymore?”

“I’d fuck you until you were blind with lust for me baby and then I’d fuck you again for good measure”

“Oh god” I moaned, grabbing myself and jerking off so hard that I came faster then I have ever come in my life. “Well that was a whole lot of embarrassing” I groaned, as I reached over and found my discarded shirt to clean up with. “I’ve never come so fast in my life” I could hear breathy moaning through the phone and I knew that Adam hadn’t come yet. “Are you still hard for me baby?” I said in my best sex voice. “Pretend it’s my mouth and not your hand” His breath hitched, a slippery sliding sound in the background increasing. “You have the most amazing cock Adam. I used to love the feel of it in my mouth all hot and pulsing, but I loved it even more in my ass. I used to love it when you used to fuck me so hard that I would still feel you for days afterwards. Come for me Adam…come for me” It wasn’t much longer that I heard the tell tale signs of Adam hitting his release, the phone line dead for a moment afterwards as he collected himself.

“You can best bet the moment I get you alone I’m going to fuck you so hard that you are going to be feeling me for weeks instead of days” He struggled for breath once he came back on the line.

“Promises, promises” I giggled with a yawn.

“It’s one you can take to the bank baby” He replied with his own yawn. I let Adam go back to sleep after that but not before making sure that he knew just how much I loved him and how much I couldn’t wait to be with him.

 

TBC...


	54. Chapter 54

I went to Matt’s show the next night and it was a sold out success. I had tears in my eyes the entire time as I watched him sing his heart out on that stage. He looked amazing and confidant and as much as it hurt me to think that ending our relationship had been the best thing for him, there was no denying what was clearly right in front of me. I didn’t see Brad during the show and I was really kind of thankful because I didn’t think that I would have enjoyed it as much if he had been sitting next to me in the audience. I couldn’t escape him at dinner though as he clung to Matt like they were Siamese twins, glaring and snapping at me during the entire meal.

"Ok...enough" I cried out when I couldn't take the abuse anymore. "I don't know what the hell your problem is but whatever it is get over it"

"What my problem is that every fucking person in the world thinks that you hang the moon and I just don't fucking get it" He screamed, causing me to flinch at his loudness. I had never been so grateful to have a private room at the restaurant in my life as he continued to rant and rave like a crazed man.

"Knock it off Brad" Matt spoke up, looking like he was about to explode. "What the hell is your problem? I don’t know what your deal is but Kris doesn’t deserve the shit you’ve been giving him"

"Well of course you're going to take his side" He continued with his rant, his face in full diva mode as he stalked across the room.

"I'm not on any ones side. You're making a scene and this is not the time or the place. I just want us to have a good time. I haven’t seen Kris in a long time and I just want to enjoy this time together" Matt tried to sooth the situation as he walked over to him, attempting to place his arm around his shoulder but it only set him off even more as he pushed him away.

“You’re still in love with him” He accused Matt with a point of his finger. Matt looked as if he wanted to cry as he fell into a nearby chair, leaning back with his eyes closed in defeat, while I jumped off of my chair, grabbed the drama princess by both arms and shook him with all of my might instead of the slap I wanted to inflict upon him instead.

"Pull yourself together. Have you lost your fucking mind?" I yelled, shaking him again when all he did was stand before me with wide, shocked eyes. "Matt's not in love with me you idiot. He's in love with you for some stupid reason despite the fact that you refuse to acknowledge it"

"I...I acknowledge it" He stammered still looking like he was in shock.

"Only when you feel threatened" Matt spoke up behind us, still looking so defeated that it made me want to drop the drama queen and pull him into my arms. "You've been living with me for two years and yet you still keep all your belongings in your suitcase. I love you Brad. God help me I do, but I can't keep doing this" I stepped away from Brad when Matt walked up to him, neither of them saying a word for a long while.

"I was just waiting for you..." Brad's gaze fell to the floor.

"Waiting for what?" Matt asked, placing his finger under Brad's chin and lifting it up.

"For you to get sick of me and send me packing. It always happens and I don't expect you to be any different"

"But I am different Bradley" I heard Matt exclaim. "I'm different because I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you"

"No...you'll get sick of me like they always do and then you'll make me leave" He stepped back from Matt, turning his back towards him. "I won't give you the chance to hurt me" Brad looked so tormented that it broke my heart because I could totally understand where he was coming from.

"We've been together for two years babe...trust me if I haven't gotten sick of you by now its not going to happen" Matt said as he took Brad's hands and held them to his chest. "You're moody and loud. You spend my money like its going out of style. You drag me to strange clubs and wear more glitter then anyone I've ever seen, but its all you and I wouldn't change a thing because I'm hopelessly in love with you"

"You'll get sick of me eventually" Brad's voice was so low we could hardly hear it and it actually made me feel as if I was intruding.

"Not going to happen Bradley, because as crazy and insane you make me I want you in my life. What do I have to do to prove that to you?" I knew it was time to leave as Brad broke down into tears, Matt wrapping him in his arms and whispering words that were meant only for him to hear.

I had tears in my own eyes as I exited the restaurant, missing Adam so badly that I could hardly breathe. My feet refused to move anymore as I leaned against the brick building, pulling air into my starved lungs. I didn't really know why I was feeling the way that I was but it seemed to be a combination of all my fears in terms of my relationship with Adam and all the hurt I knew he had to deal with for so many years. I had to hear his voice so badly in that moment as I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket with a trembling hand. "Adam..." I croaked the moment I head his voice.

"Kris...is that you...what's wrong?" He rushed out, the fear in his voice evident.

"Adam...need you" Was all I could say as I continued to lean against the wall feeling as if a steam roller was rolling across my chest. "Adam..." I tried again still having trouble breathing.

"Kris...are you in your hotel?" He asked, his voice thick and heavy.

"No...no..." I stammered, coughing because I felt as if I couldn't pull enough air into my lungs.

"Are you near a street? Can you hail a cab? Hail a cab Kris and then hand the phone to the driver" He told me, the sound of his voice starting to calm me, but not enough that I didn't feel as if I wasn't going to pass out. I did as he told me, stumbling out into the street and waiving down a cab by way of almost getting hit by it. "Kris...Kris are you there?" Adam's panicked voice rang out from the phone as I handed it to the driver who had jumped out of his cab and started screaming at me in French. He tossed the phone back at me, but I batted it back as I continued to fight for breath. He eventually took the phone ushering me into the cab after he spoke to Adam. I didn't know what he said to the man and I didn't care as I sat in the back of the cab, hearing Adam's soothing voice in my ear as we headed towards my hotel. I was breathing easier as I stumbled into my hotel room feeling a whole lot better as I crawled into my bed. Neither of us were speaking as I continued to hold the phone to my ear, breathing deeply while I tried so hard not to break down and cry. "Are you feeling any better?" He finally asked.

"I'm sorry"

"Don't ever be sorry for calling me when you need me" He scolded. "Do you want me to fly out there?" He asked and the hope in his voice brought the tears I had been trying to hold back forward in a flooded rush.

"Please" I hiccupped, wiping my nose on my sleeve once I felt I could speak.

"I'm going to hang up with you and hire a pilot for my plane and then when I have all the information I'm going to call you back. Will you be ok until I do?"

"Yes...yes" I stammered with another hiccup.

"Call you right back baby" I heard him say before he ended the call. Thirty minutes later Adam was back on the phone, neither of us speaking once again as I heard him rush around in the background packing for his trip. “Do you want to tell me what brought this on?” He questioned and as much as I didn’t want to tell him the truth, I knew that I had to.

“I just had a panic attack I guess” I had never had one before but I had heard about them and it was the only thing that made any sense, other then I was going crazy and I wasn’t about to admit to that just yet.

“That’s obvious baby. Do you want to tell me what brought it on?”

“It just realized tonight that I really don’t deserve you” A total truth on my part because I didn’t deserve him and yet he was always there for me when I needed him.

“Kris…”

“I know, we’ve had this discussion before and as happy as I am that you think I’m worthy of your love, the truth is that I really don’t deserve it. You can threaten me if you want but it still won’t change my mind”

“I’ll just have to make sure to prove it to you how worthy you are when I get there” He said and it caused me to smile because I couldn’t wait for him to try. “I’m going to finish packing and head out to the airport. Are you going to be ok until I get there?”

“I’m better knowing that you’re on your way. I love you Adam”

“I love you too Kris and I’ll be there soon” He replied in a silky sweet voice that relaxed me immediately. “Get some sleep baby” I didn’t have a chance to respond because I was out before I had the chance to.

TBC...


	55. Chapter 55

I woke up the next morning feeling almost ecstatic as I showered and dressed for my reunion with Adam. I wanted everything to be amazing and special as I called room service and ordered a special meal as well as a bottle of their most expensive champaign. Next I called the lobby and asked for someone to come and change the sheets and spruce up the room before I ran out to pick up a few things. I had a spring in my step as I stopped by a florist and purchased the most beautiful bunches of roses, having them delivered to the hotel. After that I went in search of the perfect gift for the man that I planned to spend the rest of my days with. I knew I was being mushy and over the top with everything that I was doing, but I wanted Adam to know just how much I loved him and how much I was ready to start a life with him. I looked through a few shops trying to find anything that caught my eye, but after nearly an hour I started to become frustrated that whatever it was hadn't become apparent yet and I knew I was running out of time. On my way back to the hotel a jewelry store caught my eye. I didn't expect to find what I was looking for, but the moment that I laid eyes on a pair of wedding bands they called out to be to purchase. I had never been so happy to find an English speaking clerk as I pointed out the rings racking my brain as I tried to come up with the perfect inscription. It came to me in a flash as I told the clerk to engrave ***Forever bound by Destiny*** on each one, paying through the nose to have them delivered to the hotel before Adam arrived. One the way back to the hotel I texted Adam's assistant asking her for Adam's flight information because I wanted to surprise him at the airport.

I was a nervous wreck the closer it came to picking up Adam, but it was an excited kind of nervous because I couldn't wait to see him. An hour before he was set to arrive I verified with the desk that everything was in place and headed out to the airport. I knew Adam probably ordered a car to pick him up, so I hailed a cab and counted down the minutes until I would be in his arms once again.

I was escorted into the VIP area of the airport the moment I got there, pacing back and forth as I waited for his plane to land. My heart stopped in my chest when one of the employees there announced that his plane had landed and he would be exiting in a few moments. Those few moments seemed to last forever, but then I saw him walking into the terminal and all time stopped. I didn't move for a moment taking him in as he spoke to both pilots, a shoulder bag hanging from his arm. He was dressed down in jeans and a t-shirt, a baseball cap riding low on his forehead. He shook both of their hands before turning to walk away, his bag hitting the ground as he laid eyes on me. "What are you doing here?" He cried out, his arms out stretched towards me as we ran towards each other.

The distance seemed to go on forever but eventually we came together as I made a promise to myself to never let him go again. I couldn't stop touching him as I ran my hands over any part of his upper body that I could while I continued to clutch at him. "I can't believe you're finally here" I rasped, my breath hitching in my throat as I tried to hold back the tears threatening to drown me.

"Remember you ran away from me baby" He teased, his own eyes wet as he grinned down at me.

"What a stupid fucking idiot I was" I rushed out, my heart stopping in my chest as he leaned down and captured my lips under his own. It was the most amazing kiss I’d had in a long time and I never wanted it to end. At that very moment in time as we continued to hold each I heard what could only be described as the clanking of a metal door in my mind, but it didn’t feel as if it was a prison sentence, but of our two worlds finally coming together in the ways they were meant to be. “Did you hear that?” I asked when I pulled back from Adam to see if maybe I was losing my mind.

“Yeah…I heard it” He replied lovingly with a smile before kissing me hungrily once again. Time was lost to the two of us as we continued to make out in the middle of the VIP section, but neither of us cared because we were finally together. Eventually we forced our lips apart, but the hold we held on each other we never relinquished. Arm and arm we walked to the car waiting for us, our lips finding each other once again the moment that chauffeur closed the door behind us. “How far is the hotel?” Adam demanded to know as he grabbed the hair on the back of my head and jerked our lips apart.

“Twenty-thirty minutes depending on traffic” I cried out, breathing so hard from all the kissing.

“Long enough” He ground out, pinning my back to the seat with the brunt of his body. “It’s going to be quick baby, but I have to make love to you so badly” He was already working the snaps of my jeans, shoving them and my underwear away the second he got them open.

“Yes…Yes…” I cried out because it was the only word I seemed to know how to say as I struggled to open the front of his jeans as well. Thankfully Adam had been smart enough to pack some supplies in his shoulder bag because in my haste to make everything perfect for him that night, the one thing, the most important thing I forgot. Cassidy and I had stopped using condoms after the first year of being together, so it never even dawned on me to pick some up before Adam got there. Our love making was quick and over before we made it back to the hotel, but it was exactly what we needed at that time to prove to the both of us that what was going on was in fact real. I couldn’t keep the smile off of my face as the two of us walked arm in arm into the hotel, plastering him to the wall and kissing the shit out of him once we were inside the elevator. “I love you so much” I spoke against plump freckled lips as I gazed into his beautiful blue eyes. “I just love you so much” I repeated, swallowing the lump in my throat as he looked back at me with such love shinning there. “I’m so sorry that I…”

“I love you too and from now on we are not looking back Kristopher” He placed his finger softly against my lip, his eyes shiny with tears. “From this moment on it’s all about the future. We’re together, now and that is all that matters” I wanted to argue with him, wanted to beg for his forgiveness for ever hurt I had ever caused him, but the longer that I stared into those amazing eyes I could see that he really didn’t care about the past any longer. I sent a silent prayer out into the universe thanking them for bringing Adam back into my life, but also for all the happiness I had found along the way in order to get where we were.

"Come on...I have a surprise for you" I beamed up at him as I grabbed his hand and led him into the hallway once the elevator reached our floor.

"Does it include you and I naked and in bed?" He asked me with a lustful grin on his face.

"Eventually, if you're lucky" I replied with a wink, still holding his hand as I shoved the key card into the lock, tugging him inside once I got it opened. I couldn't keep the smile off of my face as I took in how beautiful the room looked. Before I had left I had asked if the hotel would make the room look romantic and they had not disappointed.

"You did all of this for me baby?" His face had a look of awe as he took in the romantic dinner table set up before us, the room basked in a candlelight glow. "I can't believe you did this for me" He seemed so shocked as he looked down at me before looking back around the room once again. "Thank you" He whispered, tears in his eyes as he pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly.

"It's just the beginning of what I'm going to do to prove to you how much I love you" I promised, leaning up and kissing him quickly on the lips.

"I don't think that there is anything better then this" He kissed me again, looking happier then I could ever remember him looking.

"I'll think you'll change your mind in a moment" I wanted to wait to propose until after our dinner, but as I gazed into his eyes I knew that I couldn't wait, that the time was right. "Stay right here. I'll be right back" I said over my shoulder as I rushed into the bedroom, my breath catching in my throat at just how romantic it looked as well. Digging the ring box from out the drawer I had placed it in before I left, I opened it up and looked at the beautiful band, my heart squeezing with so much love for Adam. Despite my earlier reservations I found myself totally ready to bind my life with his until our dying days. "Adam can you come in here for a moment?" I cried out falling down to one knee as I held the open ring box before me.

"Couldn't wait until after dinner?" He laughed as he walked into the room, his eyes growing large, his mouth falling open. "Kris..." His voice was raspy and low, his hand covering his mouth as he continued to stand before me.

TBC...


	56. Chapter 56

"Adam Lambert...you are my soul mate in every sense of the word. We've had good times and bad, but my heart always loved you even though I tried to fight it every step of the way" I had tears in my eyes at the chocked sob I heard coming from Adam. "I know I've broken your heart more times then I ever should, but I want you to know that mine broke each time as well because I never wanted to hurt you. I love you so much Adam and I always will. I hope that you'll take this ring as a symbol of my love and know that I will do everything in my power for the rest of my life to make sure that you never know hurt again. I love you and..."

 

"Yes...yes…shut up...yes" He cut me off with the biggest smile on his face, rushing forward as he fell to his knees before me, knocking the ring box out of my hand as our bodies collided. I didn’t even know where the ring box had landed because all I could concentrate on was Adam’s hands on my body as he literally ripped off my clothing and the feel of his lips as he kissed the very breath from my body. We made love to each other for hours on that floor, neither of us getting enough or willing to stop until we were both too exhausted to do more then crawl into bed. “I’ll be right back” He said with a smile, kissing me quickly as he slid off of the bed. I didn’t know where he had found the energy to move much less leave the room, but when he reappeared with the food I had ordered earlier in his hands, I was so glad for his stamina. “I don’t know about you, but I’ve worked up quite the appetite” He hollered over his shoulder as he disappeared into the other room again, coming back that time with the chilled bottle of champaign.

 

“You are so brilliant” I beamed at him, forcing myself to sit up because I found myself hungry as well.

 

“Did you really mean it Kris?” I heard him ask as he bent down to pick up the discarded ring box after placing the bottle on the night stand. “Do you really want to marry me?”

 

“More then anything I’ve ever wanted to do in my life” I replied with out hesitation, the tiredness I felt earlier gone as I climbed out of bed, gently taking the box from his hands. My own hands were trembling as I removed one of the rings, lifting his hand to my lips before I kissed his ring finger softly. “I love you so much Adam and I want to spend the rest of my life proving it to you” I vowed as I placed it on his finger.

 

“You don’t have to prove anything to me Kris. I love you and I believe you when you tell me that you love me too” He replied as he eyed the box, trying to hide the small bit of hesitation that he still felt but I could still see it. It hurt me to know that he was so unsure about a relationship between the two of us, but I couldn’t blame him for all the hurt and the pushing away I had caused him in the past.

 

“I know you know, but I’ve hurt you a lot since you’ve come back into my life and I’d be a fool to think that it won’t take some time before you fully forgive me for it. It doesn’t change the way I feel about you because I really do love you Adam and I want to work at gaining your trust one hundred percent. I want you to put this ring away and when you’re ready, when you’re really ready” I stopped him from speaking as I placed my finger across his lips. “When you’re really ready” I repeated. “Then I want you to put it’s mate on my finger” I wasn’t angry or hurt as I watched him take the ring box out of my hand, placing it in his shoulder bag before coming to stand before me once again. I couldn’t be angry because I knew we still had some more of our journey left to go before we could truly be together in the end.

 

“Thank you” He said tearfully as he pulled me into his arms and held me tightly. “Thank you for understanding” I didn’t reply, but I knew words weren’t needed as I wrapped my arms around his waist and immersed myself in the scent and the feel of that man I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would eventually marry.

 

“I can’t shop anymore” I whined loudly, my arms loaded down with bags of all shapes and sizes from what felt like the million and one stores Adam had dragged me too that day. We had been in Paris for nearly a month and as much as I loved spending so much time with the man that I loved, I had to admit that I was growing homesick to see my daughter and I was completely over Paris France and all of its many shopping establishments. “Adam…please take pity on me” I whined even more when he stopped at yet another overly priced store, ogling something in the store front window. I didn’t know where the man got the energy to shop for hours and hours upon end, but I was exhausted as I leaned against a bicycle rack, my arms falling painfully to my sides due to the heaviness of those bags.

 

“You know what…you’re right. It’s time to call it a day” He spun around to face me, a look on his face that I couldn’t quite make out. “Come on lets go” He grabbed my arm, jerking me into the street where he hailed a cab. “You go back to the hotel. I have one more thing that I need to get and then I’ll meet you back there” He literally shoved me into the seat, the bags in my hands flying everywhere but he didn’t seem to care as he shouted at the driver where he wanted him to drop me off, the door slamming in my face before I could speak a word. I watched as Adam rushed back onto the sidewalk, disappearing into the shop while my mind tried to figure out what had just happened. I was worried, but not enough to turn the cab around as I sank back into the seat and gave my aching feet a much needed rest. Thankfully the hotel had a staff member bring up all the bags from the cab as I practically crawled into our hotel room falling heavily onto the couch once I made it fully inside. I thanked the bellboy with a hefty tip before he left, kicking off my shoes and stretching out on the softness of the couch. I was asleep within minutes, not waking up until I felt soft lips kissing my forehead. “Hey baby…” He smiled down at me as I opened my sleepy eyes. “I really wore you out huh?” I could only nod as he gently cupped my face, closing my eyes and enjoying the soft kiss placed on my lips next.

 

“You ok?” I opened them again when I recalled Adam’s odd behavior. He didn’t say anything for a long time, his eyes actually looking haunted and sad as he looked down at me. “Adam…what’s wrong?” I asked fearfully, forcing myself to sit up, my eyes following his line of sight as he looked at a guitar case lying on the floor by his feet. “Oh my god…” I cried out, sitting up even further because there was no doubt in my mind what it was as I continued to stare at it.

 

“Now you know why I kind of freaked out” He replied with what I could only assume was a fearful tone as he reached forward and placed the case on the coffee table in front of us. My heart was beating so quickly in my chest that I felt as if I almost couldn’t breathe and it only got worse at the heaviness in my throat caused by the tears glistening in my eyes. “It’s the one that your father left you. I’ve been looking for it for years and I could never find it. It figures I’d finally find it when you and I are together and everything is going so great” I watched as he opened the case, my breathing stopping altogether as I took in the sight of my beloved guitar. I had an ache so deeply within my heart at just how much I missed my family, but also from the fact that Adam seemed to think that it was a bad omen now that it was back in our lives.

 

“Adam…” I turned to face him, not even realizing that he had left as I found the couch empty. “Adam…” I said his name again, walking into the bedroom and finding him sitting on the bed with a look of loneliness on his face and tears in his eyes that just shattered my heart. “Whatever it is your thinking it’s not going to happen” I rushed over, sitting down beside him as I took his hands into my own. “Yes, I was shocked to see my father’s guitar and yes it does have a bad memory of two that goes along with it, but it has good memories too. It belonged to my father who left it to me because he knew how much I loved it, but there is also the fact that it was able to pay for the treatment you needed to ensure that you’d be here next to me today”

 

“I just saw it and freaked out because I can still recall that day I told you I had had it appraised and how angry and hurt you had been because of it. I almost got in that cab with you and vowed to forget that I ever saw it, but then I remembered how much it meant to you and I had to go back and get it” Tears were flowing down both of our cheeks and each for different reasons, but I refused to let those few bad memories from our past destroy what we had worked so hard for in our future.

 

“I love you and it changes nothing about that” I reached out, slipping my fingers into the softness of his hair as I forced him to look at me. “Thank you for bringing it back to me” I didn’t give him a chance to speak as I leaned forward and kissed him hungrily.

 

“I was afraid you’d see it and remember how horrible I was to you then and it would bring back all those memories and then you wouldn’t want to be with me anymore” He spoke quietly across the top of my head as he held me after we had made love.

 

“It brought back the memories” I admitted. “But I meant it when I said that it changes nothing about how I feel about you. We were young and stupid back then, but we did what we felt was right at the time. I’m not going to lie to you and say that I’m not happy to have it back because it makes me remember the happy times I spent with my family before I even knew you. It really means so much to me that despite all of your fears that you got it back for me anyway”

 

“I’d do anything for you if I thought it would bring some happiness into your life” I could tell he meant those words as I kissed him again and again until it turned heated and we made love yet again. I was exhausted afterwards as I curled up against the warmness of Adam’s body, falling into a deep slumber within seconds. When I woke up, Adam was still beside me, looking at me with a playful smile on his face and full contentment within his beautiful eyes.

 

“Hey” I couldn’t help but smile back, rubbing my hands over my eyes, both of them growing wide at the brush of something metal running across my face. “Adam…” My voice was low and almost hoarse as I pulled them away from my face and found the matching wedding band on my ring finger. I had tears in my eyes as I continued to stare at it for a few moments more before lifting my eyes to the man I was going to marry. “I love you so much Adam” I cried out, flinging my body towards him, kissing him with all the love and passion that I held for him.

 

"You're awfully quiet" Adam said several hours later as we laid together in each others arms.

 

"I've been thinking about Clara. I guess that I'm just missing her" I shrugged looking up at him as my cheek laid on his chest.

 

"You're ready to go home then?" He chuckled, it rumbling in his chest as I continued to lie upon it. "Well you lasted here longer then I thought you would" He laughed again.

 

"Jerk..." I swiped at his stomach, sitting up and crossing my knees in front of me. "I just want to see my little girl and then go home and start my life with you"

 

"I like the sound of that" He replied, his eyes bright and happy, causing my breath to catch in his throat at just how beautiful he looked. "I've always loved Paris, but I'm ready to go home too"

 

"Do you think we could visit Clara before we actually go home?" I asked shyly even though I knew he wouldn't miss a chance to see his princess.

 

"I'll make all the arrangements in the morning" He yawned, leaning over to kiss me before he tugged me back into his arms. "Love you Kristopher"

 

"Love you too Adam" I responded with my own yawn as I closed my eyes and fell asleep with a smile on my face.

TBC...


	57. Chapter 57

"Oh my god I can't believe you're finally here" I heard my daughter scream as she opened the door to her apartment and found Adam and I standing there. "I've missed you so much daddy" I couldn't keep the smile off of my face as she jumped into my arms, knocking me into Adam who was standing beside me.

"What about me?" Adam pretend pouted, laughing heartedly when she wrapped one arm around his neck and squeezed us together.

"Let me see it...let me see it" She turned all her attention to Adam, jumping up and down as he showed her the ring I had put on his finger. "I just can't believe you're finally together" She continued to jump, hugging us both once again before grabbing our hands and dragging us into her apartment. We had an amazing day spending time together laughing and catching up. The next day she showed us around the campus, introducing us to her friends. We even met a couple of her professors who could do nothing but sing the praises of my baby girl. I couldn't have been prouder of her as we headed back to her apartment, making plans for dinner before Adam and I headed back to California the next morning.

"So where's Watt's?" I asked, finally realizing that we hadn't seen the woman who was her girlfriend and roommate since we had gotten there. In fact I realized that she hadn't even mentioned her even before I had run off to Paris. "Is everything ok?" I asked at the sadness that covered her beautiful face as she found fascination with the floor for a moment before turning watery eyes to me.

"We broke up" She sniffled once before she broke down. "It's all my fault" She wailed, falling into Adam's arms as he rushed over towards her.

"What happened baby?" Adam asked the question I was dying to know myself.

"It was just a stupid mistake. I just wanted to know what it was like and she walked in on us and she didn't understand" She blurted out words so fast that it was kind of hard to follow them at first, but then those words began to set in.

"Wait...are you saying you cheated on Watt's?" I rushed out, hoping that I had made a mistake and heard her wrong.

“It was just a little kiss. It didn’t mean anything” She replied, even more tears sliding down her cheek.

“You kissed another girl” Adam asked. “I don’t understand. The last time I talked to you Watt’s was all you could talk about”

“I think if I had kissed a girl she would have been able to forgive me” Was her reply as she pushed away from Adam and started to pace before us.

“I’m confused” Adam said and despite the seriousness of the situation I couldn’t help but chuckle a little bit to myself at the cute look on his face.

“She kissed a man” I clarified, placing my hand on Adam’s knee as we both looked for an explanation from my daughter.

“Why the hell did you do that?” He cried out. “You’re a lesbian and the last time I checked lesbians didn’t go around kissing boys”

“Are you trying to tell us that you’re bi or maybe that you’ve decided your straight after all?” I asked gently, wrapping my arm around Adam’s back in hopes of calming him down so we could get the whole story.

“No…I’m a lesbian” She announced with a flounce as she fell into a chair across the room from us. “I don’t know why I did it honestly, except maybe to be sure, but the first time I kissed him I knew that he wasn’t who I wanted to be kissing”

“I’m still confused” Adam whispered to me, but I just gave him a small smile before turning my attention back towards Clara.

“David sits next to me in my political science class and we’ve been studying together for a few nights a week after class” She began, wiping the tears from her face before she went on. “I’ve knew he liked me, but I let him know that I had a girlfriend that I was very happy with. I don’t even know what happened but one night we were studying and we started flirting back and forth. We almost kissed that night, but I pulled back before it could happen and played it off. I told Watt’s later that night and she got really angry at me. She told me that if I wasn’t sure then I needed to find out. I told her that I loved her and that it meant nothing and she believed me, but then that next time we met to study, he brought the almost kiss up and before I could stop him, he kissed me. I could have pushed him away and told him to stop, but I didn’t and that’s when she walked in. I tried to explain to her that it meant nothing, that I made a mistake and that I loved her, but she wouldn’t listen and she moved out. It was only a kiss; it wasn’t like it was cheating or anything”

“Wow…” Was all Adam could say. I however had plenty to say on the subject.

“Kissing is cheating, Clara” I exclaimed, pushing Adam’s hand away when he tried to keep me from leaving the couch. “You claimed to be in a relationship with Watt’s and then you kiss another man…how could you be so irresponsible?”

“Jesus Chris Kris, she just made a mistake” Adam defended her of course, pissing me off yet again because he always defended her even if she was wrong.

“I know what it’s like to kiss someone else when you’re supposed to be in a relationship and how devastating it can be to that person when they find out, and you off all people should understand that Adam” I glared at him, hating that my daughter was hurting, but angry that she seemed to be following in my footsteps from days gone by. I knew that I was being a bit harsh on her, but I didn’t want her to have to go though all the agony and the pain that Adam, Cassidy and myself had to go through due to one kiss that started the downward spiral that was our love lives. “I’m not trying to be mean or hurt you baby, but I know how devastating one kiss can be in a relationship. I want you to realize that it isn’t something little and it is considered cheating” I knelt before her, holding her tight when she curled into my arms. “Have you tried to talk to her about it?” I spoke against her ear as I continued to hold her.

“Several times, but she won’t forgive me. I knew it was a mistake the moment our lips touched, but I didn’t stop it in time. I miss her so much and I’d do anything to have her back” She sobbed against my shoulder, wetting the fabric with her tears as I tried to come up with a solution to her problem.

“What ever you’re thinking forget it” Adam whispered later that night as we laid in bed together after saying goodnight to Clara.

“I’m not thinking about anything” I lied, knowing it was a lost cause because Adam could always read me like a book.

“Kris…” There was a warning to his voice, but I chose to ignore it as I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling for a few moments before speaking again.

“Do you think that anyone gets it right on the first try” I asked, thinking about the highs and the lows of my relationship with Cassidy and Adam before we finally found happiness.

“Not anyone that I know ever has” He replied, causing me to smile because he already knew what I was talking about without really having to explain it.

“It’s just you want to protect them you know” I sighed, rolling onto my side so I could look at the man that I loved. “I hate that she’s hurting”

“You were pissed at her earlier and now you want to try and get them back together” Adam reached out and traced his fingers down the side of my face, causing me to sigh again.

“I wasn’t pissed…just upset that she didn’t look at it as cheating. Do you remember how devastated Cassidy was when I told him about our first kiss?”

“Our situation was a little bit different Kris. It wasn’t just about the kiss. We fell in love and you broke up with him to be with me”

“I know…” I replied softly, lying my hand on top of his and closing my eyes for a moment.

“You’re still going to try and fix it aren’t you?”

“I can’t explain it but something is telling me that those two have to be together…that they belong together and if we can fix it somehow along the way then we have to do it” I already knew that Adam was going to do whatever I asked of him by the slight smile on his face and the light in his eyes and it made me love him even more.

“I love you” He murmured against my lips as he leaned in to kiss me.

“I love you too” Was my response before I deepened the kiss.

“So what’s the plan?” He asked several minutes later as I laid snuggled within his arms.

“No clue, but Clara said that she’s working at one of the local pizzerias near the college. I was thinking that maybe we could postpone our flight just a couple of hours and have lunch” I grinned, once again knowing that Adam was going to cave by the look in his eyes.

“I’ll call and reschedule our flight in the morning” He rolled his eyes, pulling me in a bit tighter and kissing the top of my head. “I suppose we’re not going to tell Clara about this?” He questioned, but I knew I didn’t have to answer. “She’s going to love us if this works out and hate us if it doesn’t” He went on, causing my heart to beat a little bit faster because I knew we were going to do it together.

TBC...


	58. Chapter 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Live Journal is still not working for me so until it is fixed I will be posting the new chapters here. I'm hoping that they get it fixed quickly. Thanks to all who have hung in there with me through this story. Hugs to you all.

Chapter Fifty-Eight

We took Clara out to breakfast the next morning, still holding onto the pretense that we were leaving on schedule. She chatted on endlessly about one subject and then another, but I could tell her mind was still on Watt’s. I was lost in thought as I tried to figure out how I was going to make the woman that she loved see that she had made a mistake and that she wanted her back, jerking back to the present at a nudge at my leg. “Did you hear what Clara just said?” I heard Adam ask as I looked between the two of them, having no idea what the hell I had missed.

“Sorry…I was thinking about something else” I said, not liking the look of hesitation on my daughters face as she played with her napkin. “What is it?” I ground out when neither of them seemed to want to tell me.

“I was telling Clara that since neither you or I are on tour this summer that maybe we could all get together and do some sort of family vacation before she has to come back to school in the fall, but it seems that our little princess has other plans” Adam spoke first, grinning like crazy at the annoyed look she shot him before she locked her eyes on the napkin in her hand.

“I’ve been accepted to be an intern at the white house this summer” She mumbled, practically shredding the napkin into confetti as she stared at the table. “I can turn it down…”

“Turn it down are you crazy?” I cried out, nearly falling to the floor in my haste to get out of the booth I was sitting in. “Oh my god Clara…that’s amazing” I beamed, pulling her out of her side as I hugged her tightly. “Why didn’t you tell us this when we first got here?”

“I wasn’t sure how you were going to react when I told you” She tried to explain, laughing when Adam finally made me let go of her, tugging me back into the booth next to him. “I mean, I would love to go on vacation with the two of you, but it’s the white house. They don’t usually accept freshmen into the program, but my professor said that they were so impressed with me that they decided to make an exception”

“You do know that it’s only a matter of time before she becomes president?” Adam said with a smile, causing me to tear up at just how proud he looked of Clara.

“That’s the plan” Clara winked at the two of us, causing Adam and I to look at each other while she went back to her breakfast with a grin on her face.

“You don’t think that…nah” Adam started to speak, and then scoffed at the idea after we dropped Clara back off at her apartment and pretended to drive to the airport.

“She’s going to be the president” I said what he couldn’t, my mind going back to a conversation I had had years earlier with her mother. She had told me that I had been meant for great things, but I knew that what I was really meant to do was support my daughter and ensure that her destiny was followed. I didn’t know what that path was going to exist of, but what I did know was that my daughter was the one meant for greatness and that Adam, myself and even Watt’s were going to be the ones supporting her in every way in order to get her there.

"What are you going to say to her when she see's us?" Adam asked as we sat in yet another booth waiting for the waitress to take our order.

"I have no idea" I shrugged because I really had no idea.

"Well you better come up with something" He whispered, smiling widely when the person we were looking for walked up to our table.

"Mr. Allen...Mr. Lambert" She called out our names, a look of panic on her face. "Is Clara ok?"

"She's fine...she's fine" I replied quickly, gesturing to the empty seat in front of us. "Can you sit for a few minutes? Adam and I would like to talk to you".

"Um...sure" She hesitated for a moment before turning towards the front counter. "I'm going to take my break now"

"You've only been on the clock thirty minutes" A tall pimply faced kid hollered back. "Oh shit Adam Lambert...Kris Allen. Take your time" He blushed when Adam and I peeked around the corner and he recognized who we were.

We sat there in uncomfortable silence for several minutes before she spoke up. "Congratulations" She nodded towards our joined hands, my ring glistening from the sunlight through the shop window.

"Thank you" I smiled at Adam, squeezing his hand before turning back to face her. "I guess you're wondering what we're here for?" I asked, noticing just how tired and sad she looked since the last time we had seen her.

"She told you what happen?" She said with such sadness to her voice that it broke my heart.

"She did" I replied, leaning into Adam, so grateful when he placed his arm around my shoulders. "I know you probably don't want to hear this, especially from her family, but she really is sorry"

"I know she is" She replied softly, her voice wavering in a way that made me want to go to her and pull her into my arms. "That's not the problem".

"You're worried that she may change her mind and decide that she prefers being with a man rather then you" Adam spoke up, hitting a nerve at the lip tremble we both saw.

"You have to know she loves you. She's miserable without you" I defended my daughter despite the fact I was still angry at what she had done. "You up rooted your entire life for her. You can't be ready to just give up"

"What if she changes her mind? I know she loves me" She looked at me when she said that and it hit me just how much I cared for Watt’s and already thought of her as part of our family. "But I don't know if I can deal with the devastation if she decided to be with a man"

"Oh baby...she only wants to be with you" Adam slide into the other side of the booth and hugged the openly crying girl. "She admits she was curious, but she knew afterwards that she only wants to be with you"

"She could still change her mind. For me its not a decision that needs to be made, it never has been but for her..."

"It’s not a decision for her either" Adam spoke up, pushing her backwards a bit so he could look at her. "She knows she's a lesbian and she knows that she wants to be with you. The question is can you forgive her because I can see you're still in love with her"

"I'm afraid" She whispered, ducking her head.

"Of course you are, but isn't she worth the risk?" He asked softly, my heart squeezing at just how much I loved that man. "I've been in this situation before and I know how scary it can be, but it was totally worth it in the end" He smiled at her, hugging her again. "She loves you and we already know you love her, so you have to decide if she's worth the risk"

"What the hell are you two doing here?" I heard an all too familiar voice scream as I looked over and found my very irate daughter standing beside the table.

TBC...


	59. Chapter 59

"He can explain" Adam pointed towards me quickly, refusing to look at me as he stared at the table in front of us.

"Coward" I grumbled, glaring at him when he peeked over a me for a split second before locking his eyes back on the table.

"Well someone better" Her voice got louder as she looked between the two of us.

"I'm ready to come home" Watt's spoke up before either of us had the chance.

"What?!" We all cried out at the same time.

"Let her out" I squawked at Adam when the meaning of her words sunk in. I watched as Adam nearly fell out of the booth trying to get out, standing off to the side as Watt's slid out behind him, wrapping my crying daughter in her arms. I had tears in my eyes as I watched them whisper words of love to each other, both of them crying before they shared such a loving kiss. "Oh my god...it worked" I threw myself at Adam when he hesitantly sat down beside me. "And you're still a coward" I pointed out but with no heat behind my words as I leaned forward and kissed him. “I’m going to make sure you pay for that later” I murmured against his ear, extremely happy that my family finally seemed to be falling back into place.

"You know you can't really blame me" He giggled against my lips. "She has a temper just like yours" He laughed, then cried out when I pretend punched him in the side. “Oh and I can’t fucking wait for that punishment” He whispered against my ear, tugging it with his teeth, his hand under the table squeezing my thigh.

"Do you want to explain to me why you’re here?" I heard Clara ask, pulling Adam and I away from our playful banter, his hand still lying heavily upon my thigh.

"Don't say it" I warned Adam playfully when he went to point at me again with his free hand. "I think the better question is what are you doing here?" I turned the tables on her, laughing at the blush that spread across her cheeks.

"I always walk by here when I know she's working" She blushed even harder.

“You do?” A chorus of voices cried out together again before we all fell into laughter.

“Don’t change the subject” My daughter warned me, but I could tell she really didn’t care that we were there any longer as she gazed over at her lover, sharing another kiss with her. “So…spill” She turned her attention back to me, such a beautiful smile upon her face that it made my heart ache with so much joy.

“You were just so unhappy and I couldn’t just go back to California and not do something about it” I shrugged, leaning fully into Adam when he squeezed my thigh again. “You two belong together and it broke my heart that you were apart” I felt my throat close as I recalled how sad my baby looked, but it disappeared just as soon as it appeared at the looks of happiness I found from both girls as they beamed at me from across the table. “You’re family Watt’s. I just want you to know that and it broke my heart to know you were hurting too” Tears watered my eyes at just how true those words were because she was part of the family and I knew she always would be.

“Thank you Mr. Allen” She whispered, tears in her eyes as well as I reached out for her hand.

“No more Mr. Allen” I winked at her. “From now on I’m Kris…or you can call me dad” The table went silent and I’d thought that maybe I’d pushed the moment to far as it stretched out around us.

“I’d like that” She finally broke the silence, squeezing my hand before releasing it and hiding hers under the table.

“Well, I’m glad that I was able to fix everything” Adam said with a straight face, the three of us looking at him as if he had lost his mind. “What?” He asked, trying not to grin but losing it rather quickly as I poked him in the side. “Seriously though…I’m really glad that Kris insisted we come here and talk to you” He directed himself at Watt’s, the corniest grin on his face, but one that made my heart quicken in my chest. “I always knew you were the one for my princess here. You keep her grounded because lord known’s that she does tend to lose herself when she focuses on a task. You are so like your father in that aspect” He then turned his attention towards Clara, tears in his eyes. “You’re so much like him in that when it comes to something that’s important you do whatever you have to do to achieve it, wither its love or a cause and now your career. I just want you to know that I love you both and I’m so happy that our little family is whole once again” I absolutely wanted to cry at Adam’s words, but I didn’t have a chance as he leaned forward to kissed me, his phone blaring from his pocket before I could receive that kiss. “Shit…it’s the pilot” He cried out, looking at the screen after pulling it out of his pocket. The table was silent once again as we all listened to him talk on the phone, placing it back in his pocket when he was finished. “I hate to break this reunion up but we have to go” He looked over at me, finally giving me my missed kiss before pushing his way out of the booth. “We really have to go baby” He said softly, reaching his hand out towards me because I knew he knew I was reluctant to leave. I didn’t say anything as I took his hand and allowed him to tug me out of the booth, sharing a smile and a wink as I stood beside him all teary-eyed.

“I’m going to miss you so much” He smiled at Clara, pulling her into his arms and hugging her tightly. “Stay out of trouble” He whispered against her ear, but loud enough for me to hear. “No more kissing boys”

“I won’t” She whispered back, kissing him on the cheek.

“You can call me dad too if you want” He spoke shyly to Watt’s hugging her and kissing her on the forehead before releasing her. She didn’t say anything in response, but I could tell by the look on her fact that she was touched by his gesture and it made my heart soar.

“I love you so much Clara” I cried out when my daughter rushed into my arms. “So…so much” I whispered, my emotions getting the best of me as the tears I had been trying to keep at bay slide down my face. “Be good to her” I nodded towards her girlfriend. “Be good to each other” I cried even harder when Watt’s flew to my side, holding them both and not ever wanting to let go. “I love you both” I was a near wreck as Adam searched out my hand and slowly moved us towards the door. “I’ll call you later tonight or tomorrow” I winked, smiling despite my tears as I watched Watt’s wrap her arms around my daughter, both of them waving and blowing kisses until Adam and I were out the door.

“You ok?” He asked as we made our way towards the airport.

“I’m perfect” I smiled lovingly at him, wiping at my face before I leaned over and kissed his cheek. “I love you so much” I sighed with so much love and contentment in my heart because I knew we were all finally and truly on the right path.

TBC...


	60. Chapter 60

I knew that we were going to catch some flack when we got back home and the world found out that Adam and I were a couple, but it was nothing compared to what I could have ever comprehended. Adam and I had talked on the plane about how we were going to approach our coming out as a couple and once again he tried to be the good guy stating that he was willing to wait until more time had passed, even willing to not come out at all in order to save me any grief or pain and I couldn’t have loved him more for it. However, I had made the decision that I wasn’t going to hide the love that I felt for Adam or the fact that we were a couple. He begged me to reconsider, but I just shushed him with a kiss that let him know I was done talking about it. We made out for a little while, expressing words of love and devotion before both of us nodded off for the remainder of that flight. We expected there to be some paparazzi waiting for us as we exited the airport, but what we didn’t expect was the hundreds of photographers that bombarded us, flashes and inappropriate questions screamed at us the moment they spotted us. I was confused and taken aback because I had no idea why they were out there and how they seemed to already know that we were a couple. I could hardly see, blinded by the flashes that continued to explode in our face, Adam thankfully taking control as he grabbed my hand and shoved his way through the madness like a tank. I was almost in a full panic as he placed me into a waiting cab because they were pushing and shoving us around like rag dolls as they tried to get their pictures. I couldn’t help but laugh as I watched Adam knock a whole slew of them to the ground when one dared to enter the cab after me, he grabbing them by the back of his shirt and ripping him from the cab with nothing but ease. “Try that shit again and it will be the last fucking time you take another picture” He raged at the man, flipping everyone the bird before he jumped into the car. I was in his arms before the door was even shut, still trying to figure out what the hell had happened.

 

“How did they find out?” I rasped against his chest, my heart hammering like crazy in my chest.

 

“I don’t know baby. Are you ok?” He asked and I could hear the concern in his voice as I sat up and looked at his face.

 

“They just startled me” I replied truthfully. “Thankfully I had my big strong man to take care of me” I giggled, trying to lighten the mood. “I’m ok” I assured, lying my hand tenderly on his cheek. “Thank you”

 

“You know that I would do anything to protect you Kris” He seemed to be calming down, but I could still see the worry in his beautiful eyes.

 

“When did I become the princess in this story?” I teased, leaning forward and kissing him playfully before I laid my head on his chest. “I know you will” I whispered, leaning up and kissing his neck before snuggling in for the rest of the trip back home. We found out rather quickly how our story had leaked when we got home and found both of our managers there waiting for us. It seemed that one of the staff at the airport in France had her cell phone on her and caught Adam and I sharing a kiss as we waited in the VIP lounge to board our plane. She had sent it to some of her friends who had posted it on their Twitter and Facebook pages and it just exploded from there. It hadn’t even been an hour since we had exited the airport and already there were all sorts of stories about Adam and I and the relationship that we shared. Their were stories of cheating and adultery while Cassidy was alive, even a story about how we had planned his murder and ran off to France to hide out. Both of our phones were ringing off of the hook, but neither of us bothered to answer them as we were briefed by our managers how we were going to handle our situation.

 

“It’s not a fucking situation” I yelled hours later after they had left, Adam lying on his bed looking exhausted and defeated, while I paced like a cage animal in front of him. “I love you dammit...I don’t care what those fucking assholes think” I continued to pace, my anger growing with each step until I was almost ready to burst. “I’m not going to deny this relationship” I roared, pointing at him as I fought the urge to throw something.

 

“It’s just for a little while” Adam defended what the bosses had said, sitting up as he rubbed his hands over his face. “This is all my fault” He went on, forcing me to stop my pacing because it was just like Adam to take all of the blame but I refused to let that happen.

 

“I’m hungry…let’s go”

 

“What?” He blinked up at me as if I had just spoken a foreign language.

 

“I said I’m hungry…let’s go” I grabbed his hand and jerked his dead weight up.

 

“We can order something in. We need to stay in while they try and figure out how to run this because I don’t want this to hurt you Kris” He repeated what we had been told and as pissed off as I wanted to be at Adam for just sitting back and letting them try and control our lives, it actually made me smile and even love him a little bit more.

 

“I’m not hiding what I feel for you. I love you. You are my lover and I’m so happy and proud that we are together” I spoke with nothing but utter confidence in my voice as I tugged him closer to me. “Do you love me?” I asked, staring him dead in the eye because although I knew the answer, I just needed him to say it.

 

“Kris…you know that I do” He replied in a soft voice. “But maybe they’re right and…”

 

“You have never let those jerks control your life before and there is no way that you are going to let them do it now. You are Adam fucking Lambert and you’ve always lived your life by your own rules, no need to stop that now” I declared with a smile on my face.

 

“I was only thinking of me before, now I have to think about you and how this affects you” He tried to reason, but I wasn’t having it.

 

“I love you” I smiled even wider, squeezing his hand as I leaned up for a kiss.

 

“I love you too” He spoke against my lips, looking at me in confusion when I tugged him towards the front door.

 

“I’m not hiding you or what you mean to me…deal with it” I shrugged, laughing like a loon when he finally realized that I meant what I was saying and pulled me into his arms.

 

We were followed and bombarded the moment that we left our driveway, hounded and screamed at as we entered and exited the restaurant, but we didn’t care as we held hands and just smiled for the cameras. Our management tried to call us repeatedly throughout the night, but we ignored them as well as we made love to each other before falling asleep in each others arms. The madness didn’t end after that night; in fact it got even worse as the weeks went by. The stories were still in the media and with each day that passed they became more outrageous. Both of our labels threatened to drop us, but quickly put it to rest when we threatened to counter sue for harassment. Adam was sued by the guy who he threw out of the cab, but as expected he was paid off by the record company, but not before the footage and his story was dissected over and over again by the tabloids. It was an insane time, but we refused to let it get the better of us or impeded on our lives as we went about our days as if nothing had happened. Every media outlet wanted to hear our side of the story, willing to pay top dollar to us or even our favorite charities, but we still refused because the truth was there really wasn’t any major story. We knew the real truth and that was all that mattered. Eventually we became old news, but it didn’t matter because we had never let it bother us in the first place.

 

Six months after coming back from France found us pretty much living in Adam’s home because it was just too hard with all the memories of Cassidy to live in the main house. Adam assured me constantly that he understood, but it just felt odd and almost like a betrayal for him and I to sleep in the same bed that Cassidy and I once shared. I don’t think that he really understood and as much as I knew it was stupid because Cass had made us promise before he passed that we would be together, it still bothered me enough that I couldn’t do it. Adam had even been brave enough to broach the subject of selling the house and purchasing one of our own, regretting it immediately when I turned on him and called him every name in the book before storming off. I felt horrible and sad as I locked myself in the big house, refusing to let him in no matter how long he hollered and screamed from the other side of the door that he was sorry. I must have walked the entire house at least ten times before I calmed down enough to lie down, but then the guilt got to be to much as I rushed out of my bedroom towards the one place I knew I would always be welcome no matter what horrible things I had done. He was waiting for me the moment I rushed through the door, not even letting me try to apologize as he swept me up into his arms and walked us to his bedroom. He made love to me like a madman, his kisses hurried and frantic before he took me hard, almost brutally. He tried to apologize afterwards, but I wasn’t having it as I kissed him hungrily and then fell apart in his arms.

 

Adam was still asleep the next morning when I woke up and I couldn’t help but notice just how peaceful he looked despite the turmoil of the night before. I knew that he loved me, but what I didn’t know or understand was how he put up with me when I seemed to lose myself and how he always seemed to be able to forgive me afterwards. “I love you” I whispered softly against his lips before pulling back with a smile on my face as he murmured something that sounded like I love you in reply. I watched him for a few moments as he shifted around a bit before the sounds of light snoring could be heard. I slid carefully out of bed because I knew it would be several hours before he even considered getting up. I dressed quietly, watching him from the doorway for a few more moments before grabbing my keys off of the table and headed out into the early morning. I was thankful there didn’t seem to be much traffic as I made my way towards my destination, my hands shaking and my eyes already burning with unshed tears as I pulled onto the narrow road and made my way towards my destination.

TBC...


	61. Chapter 61

I sat in my car for the longest time, eyes closed because I didn’t want to see the vastness of land around me or the grave markers that covered it. I wasn't sure how long I sat there, the ringing of my cell phone forcing me back into the present. "Hey baby..." I smiled into the phone when I saw Adam's picture flashing at me.

"Where are you?" He asked and I could hear the concern in his voice. "Are you ok?"

I was anything but ok, but I didn't want to worry him as I forced a bit of happiness into my voice. "I'm fine" I hoped I sounded convincing. "I had something to take care of, but I'll be home soon. If you behave while I'm gone I'll bring you home a present" I laughed, adding a bit of flirt to my voice in order to hide my sadness.

"What kind of present?" He questioned and it caused me to smile for real because no matter his age I knew Adam was always going to be a kid at heart.

"Guess you're just going to have to wait and see" I giggled softly. "I'll be home soon. I love you Adam".

"I love you too Kris. I can't wait for my present" He giggled back at me before he disconnected the line.

Taking a deep breath I forced myself out of the car, walking slowly towards Cassidy's gravestone. I stood there for a few moments just looking at the inscription, my heart squeezing in my chest at just how much I missed him. "Hey Cassidy" I whispered, my throat heavy with tears as I knelt before the marker, placing my hand on the cool marble. "I should have come here sooner, but some things happened and well...I ran away for a while" I shrugged, feeling kind of silly for talking to a slab, but knowing that I really had to try and make peace with everything that was weighing heavily on my mind. "I don't know if you're watching over us like they say, but I hope you are and can see that everything seems to be on track now. Clara is doing amazing at school and doing an internship at the Whitehouse this summer and I couldn't be prouder of her. She still with Watt's thanks to Adam and I interfering because they had split up for a while, but it was so worth it because as we both know they belong together"

I was a crying mess as I shifted onto my rear end, pulling my knees into my chest. "I miss you so much Cassidy" A sob escaped my throat as I continued to sit there. "I miss that beautiful smile of yours and the way you would make my heart beat faster each time that you looked at me and I feel so guilty because I miss you and I still love you and yet I'm with Adam" The words were flowing before I could stop them because they were words I'd needed to speak for such a long time. "I love Adam too and I know that we're supposed to be together but...”

"But what?" I heard an all too familiar voice say as I jerked my head upwards and saw a beautiful smile directed at me, one that I thought I would never see again.

"Cassidy?" I questioned, looking around to make sure that I hadn’t lost my mind.

"Hey Precious" The apparition that looked like Cassidy smiled at me again.

"Are you really here?" I asked, my eyes wide as I watched him kneel before me, drawing back in fear as he reached a hand out towards my face. "You can't be real" I shuddered, tears flooding my eyes at the gentle touch I felt along my cheek. "Cassidy" I whispered, clutching at the hand on my face because it felt so real. "Oh my god Cassidy" My free hand wrapped around his neck, pulling him forward until we were wrapped within each others embrace, tears blazing down my cheeks.

"It's ok Precious" He spoke softly against my ear as I completely fell apart in his arms. "I've missed you too"

"How are you here?" I stepped back to look up at him, but not enough that I relinquished my hold on him.

"I just am" He shrugged with another brilliant smile "Now let's discuss these issues you seem to be having" I didn't want to talk about anything other then the fact that it was amazing to see him and feel his arms around me once again. "Kris..." He stepped back from me, looking at me with a playful and patient look. “I’m really happy to see you Precious, but I know there’s a reason that you’re really here”

"Adam thinks we should sell the house and I've just got so much guilt because I love Adam, I really do but I still haven't gotten over my feelings for you" Tears slid down my cheeks as my guilt seemed to be growing the longer we stood there.

"Well I hope that you never get over your feelings for me because I know I won't ever get over what I feel for you" He chuckled, taking my hand and tugging me until I was sitting once again. "Look...when we were together it was amazing and the love we shared was real and I meant it when I said that I hope you never get over it. However, we always knew that our time together was going to be limited"

"That doesn't make it any easier" I gruffed, pouting as I jerked my hand out of his and lying it in my lap.

"No it doesn't" His smile faltered a bit as he reached out and took my hand once again. "Kris, I never doubted your love for me the entire time we were together and you have no reason to feel guilty about loving Adam. I'm happy that you finally allowed him back in your life because I want you to be happy"

"You know what happened don't you" I blushed a bit at my earlier actions when I ran off to France.

"I know" He grinned, squeezing my hand.

"I wasn't ready to say goodbye yet" I tried to explain although I knew he would understand.

"I know, but you've had time, you've grieved and now it's time to let me go and move on"

"You're really not very easy to get over you know" I smiled over at him, tears still coursing down my cheeks.

"I know" He winked at me and I couldn't help the chuckle of giddiness that erupted from me.

"God, I really miss you Cass" I smiled reaching forward and cupping his cheek.

"Me too…now, as for selling the house. I don't understand what the problem is because it’s just a house” He went on undeterred, my hand still lingering on his cheek.

"It's not just a house" I exclaimed quite loudly, my voice shrill as I fought the urge to run like I always did. "It was our house. It's where we raised our daughter. There are so many memories there. I can't just let it go like it means nothing"

"Precious, tell me something. Would you lose those memories if the house burned down?" I knew where he was going with his line of questioning, but I didn't say anything as I crossed my arms over my chest because I wasn’t willing to let go of my stubbornness just yet. "Those memories are always going to be here" He laid his hand over my heart and for some reason it caused me to tear up even more. "It's just a house Kris and yes it does mean something, but the memories are never going to go away".

"It's just hard to leave it behind because I feel as if I'm leaving you behind" I sobbed, once again finding myself wrapped up within his arms.

"I will always be with you Kris...always" He murmured against my ear. "But it's time for you to move on with you life with Adam. It's time to start your own memories with him. I love you Kris and I'm always going to love you, but don't think that I'm not jealous as hell that he gets to hold you, kiss you, make love to you" He winked again as he pulled back and looked at me with his smile back in place. “But it’s where you belong…it’s where you’ve always belonged”

"Can you just kiss me again...just one last time?" I asked, clutching at his shirt as I gazed into his beautiful dark eyes. I closed my eyes as his face inclined towards mine, relishing the feels and the taste of him one final time. When I opened my eyes Cassidy was gone and I was all alone. I wasn't sure if I had imagined everything that had just happened, but I realized that the guilt I had been feeling was gone and I felt lighter then I had felt in a long time. I couldn't wait to get back home to Adam and let him know that I was ready to sell the house and get on with our lives, but not before I stopped off at one of his favorite bakery's and picked up something chocolaty and gooey.

"Hey baby...everything ok?" Adam asked, meeting me in the hallway the moment I walked in the door.

"Have you been waiting for me?" I asked, with a playful smile on my face, already knowing the answer by the slight blush on his face.

"You just sounded kind of...lost" He hesitated for a moment, his face reddening even more.

"You know me so well" I replied, placing the box in my hand on a nearby table before curling into his body. "I went to the cemetery" I murmured against his chest, feeling him stiffen for a moment before he wrapped his arms fully around me. "I just had to work through a few things"

"Anything you want to share with me?" He asked, still holding me tightly.

"I guess I was just trying to work through my feelings about Cassidy" I admitted, nearly falling face first into the floor when Adam stepped back abruptly and stormed away from me. "Adam..." I said a bit hesitantly, following behind him as he stood with his back towards me in the living room.

"Am I ever going to be enough for you Kris?" He cried out, turning to face me with such anguish on his face. "You ran away to fucking France to grieve for him. You told me you were over him, that you loved me...you gave me a fucking ring for fucks sake" His voice got louder as he held up the hand with the ring I had given him on his finger. "Am I always going to have to live in his shadow?" He looked so broken as he uttered those words that it broke my heart. "Because I'll do it. I live in the shadow of the man I loved like a brother but am growing to hate because I know you won't ever love me like you loved him"

His words shocked and saddened me because I had no idea that Adam felt those things about Cassidy or myself. "Adam, you can't believe that I don't love you?" I rushed out, wanting to run to him but my feet refused to move one inch because something told me that he wouldn’t want the comfort I was willing to offer.

"Oh I believe that you love me" He responded sadly. "I just don't believe that you will ever love me the way that you loved Cassidy" Those words felt like a flat out slap to the face and yet again I wanted to run away and not have to face the way Adam seemed to be shrinking before me, but I held strong because for once I needed to be a man and face up to situation before me.

"Of course I don't love the way that I loved Cassidy" I said straight forward, stepping forward at the intake of breath I heard coming from Adam. "I love you in a completely different way because you are not Cassidy". I watched his face fall even more and I knew that I was just making things worse with words that I was trying to sooth him with. "Fuck...I'm just making this worse" I cried out in frustration.

"It doesn't matter" Adam said so softly but I could tell it meant everything by the look in his eyes.

"But it does matter" I cried out, placing my hands on the sides of his face and forcing him to look at me. "Adam, I don't love you like I loved Cassidy, but I didn't love Cassidy like I love you" I sighed in frustration because I was explaining it wrong again. "I love you very much, you know that right?"

"I know" He replied, his voice still soft, something in his eyes telling me that maybe he didn’t really believe it regardless of his words. .

"I don't think that you do" I gazed up at him, a wistful smile gracing my face. "I love you so much and not once have I ever compared that love to the love that I held for Cassidy. I know I've put you through hell. I know that I've abused you and made you think that you were always second best, but I never once thought of you as second best. I admit that I held onto my grief a bit harder then I should have, but I want you to know that I've moved past it now. I love you..." I said again just to make sure he knew it. "And I'm ready to start my life with you, to start making memories with you. I want to bind my life forever to you" I poked him softly in the chest, hoping and praying that he could see that I meant every word.

"I love you too" I felt his body slump a little as he wrapped his arms around me. "I know I shouldn't be jealous of Cassidy because I do know you love me but sometimes I just can't help myself. And then afterwards I feel so guilty because Cassidy was my friend and I shouldn't hate him for loving you, but I just can’t help it sometimes"

“I understand that…I really do because I didn’t make it easy for us in the slightest to get where we are.” I looked up at him with such love and admiration in my eyes because it was really quite amazing that Adam loved me after everything I done to him. “It’s really sort of fucked up isn’t it?” I dropped my forehead to his chest, closing my eyes and inhaling the mixture of scents surrounding me. “I don’t deserve you but here it is…bottom line” I stated plainly as I looked up at him once again. “I love you and despite all of the fucked up stuff that has happened in our past and even now in our future” I rolled my eyes playfully. “I’m ready to sell this house and find one that you and I can share together”

“You nearly chopped my head off when I mentioned this to you before” He reminded me, causing me to flinch as I recalled how ugly I had been to him.

“I know and I’m sorry, but when I was at the cemetery I realized that this is just a house and I was worried that if we sold it that I would lose all of the memories associated with it” I decided to be truthful, opting to leave out the part where it had been Cassidy that had allowed me to come to my great epiphany, because honestly I still wasn’t sure if I had dreamed the whole thing up or not. “The fact is that I will always have those memories, but it’s time to create new ones and for that I need you”

“You need me huh?” He questioned, but I could see the happiness seeping into his eyes and across his face.

“For ever and ever…amen” I quoted a line from one of my favorite songs, one that I knew Adam hated, but regardless it seemed to fit the moment.

“Amen” He whispered as he leaned down and kissed me softly. “Shall we take this to the bedroom?” I didn’t say anything as I took his hand and led him back into the hallway we had just left and up the stairs. “Kris?” I could hear the question in my name as I tugged him up towards the bedroom that Cassidy and I once shared because it was truly time to let the haunts of the past go. We made beautiful love to each other in that bed, declaring my love for Adam over and over again afterwards as I traced my finger over the band that would bound us together for life. Afterwards we laid in bed enjoying the dessert I had brought for him, chocolate and cake crumbs ending up in more places other then our mouths.

TBC...


	62. Chapter 62

It was nearly a year before Adam found a house he felt was suitable to live in and to say I was shocked at his choice was a complete understatement. I had pretty much allowed him to pick and chose the houses we went to see, inputting my two cents from time to time. I didn’t think that we were ever going to find one he approved of because no matter how perfect they looked to me, he always seemed to found one thing or several wrong with them. He actually found what he was looking for simply by accident one night as he was scrolling through an internet listing our realtor had recommended to him. I was dozing off and on as he laid beside me with his laptop, nearly falling off of the bed at the loud outcry I heard coming from him. “I found it” He exclaimed, grabbing onto me and pulling me closer as I tittered on the edge of the bed. “It’s perfect Kris…look” He shoved the laptop at me, but all I saw was a bunch of blurred nothingness because my glasses were hidden somewhere in the mess of pillows and blankets. “Where are your glasses?” He asked, not waiting for me to answer as he began to search for them around the bed. “Laser surgery baby…look into it” He laughed giddily as he pulled them from under a pillow, placing them on my face before shoving the laptop back at me. “It’s perfect” He beamed as I looked up at him in order to make sure I was actually looking at the correct page.

“Adam, this house is in Montana” I looked back at the screen yet again to make sure I was reading it correctly.

“I know” He shrugged, going quiet for a few minutes before speaking again. “I actually stayed at that house a long time ago” He began to explain, staring at the screen before looking at me. “I went there after you chose Matt over me in that hotel room in Florida” I felt my heart drop into my stomach at the look of sadness that crossed his face, his eyes looking faraway and distant. “I was so angry and miserable and I just needed to get away. I told my assistant to find someplace away from everything and this is what she came up with. It’s practically out in the middle of nowhere, but it has the most amazing town not far from it so that it’s not too far out there. It’s amazingly beautiful and I fell in love with the place only after one day. I tried to buy it from the owner then, but he wasn’t willing to sell it. I was only checking on it on a whim, but it’s for sale and I was thinking that it’s about time we think about slowing down” He explained. I could see that he was trying to convince me, but what he didn’t know was that I was right on board with him already. Adam and I had already cut back on our commitments after we had come back from France, but the truth was that I had been thinking about retiring my music career for good and focusing solely on writing music instead.

“Are you thinking about retiring?” I asked, really kind of shocked that he seemed to be considering it because he was still as popular and amazing as he had been from the very beginning of his career.

“I’m almost fifty Kris” He cried out, looking at me as if I had lost my mind.

“In nine years” I replied, sitting up because something told me that we were in for a long night.

“Close enough” He sighed, rubbing his hand over his face as he shifted until he was facing me. “I’m been doing this music thing for a long time and I love it don’t get me wrong” He pressed his finger to my lips when I attempted to speak. “But I love you and there are so many things that I want to do with you before we get too old to do them” I couldn’t help but smile, my breath catching in my throat because I could tell that he was really ready to give up the music and the career that meant everything to him.

“I love you too and you’re not retiring” Was my response as I took his hand into my own and placed it on my lap. “You love this all too much and I would never ask you to give up something as important as your career. Besides, you fans would kill me if they felt that I had anything to do with you retiring” I laughed, because I knew how much Adam’s fans loved him and just how much my words were true.

“I love you more” He looked torn, looking at our hands and the twin rings we shared instead of looking at my face.

“I know you do and I love the idea of the house in Montana because you know I’m a country boy at heart” That got his attention as he finally looked up at me. “I’ve been actually thinking about retiring my music” I finally let him in on the one secret I had been keeping from him. “I’ve been thinking about it for awhile because lets face it, as much as I love sharing my music I never loved it as much as you do. I feel like I’ve kind of out grown the singing aspect of music and now I want to concentrate on the writing aspect”

“How long have you been thinking about this?” He asked, looking rather shocked.

“A couple of years actually” I replied truthfully, playing with the ring on his finger once again.

“You never said anything”

“I’d been going back and forth about it. The truth was that I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do at first. It was just something that I would think about from time to time and then the label wanted me to start working on my next album and I finally realized that the idea of going back into the studio and thinking about touring just wasn’t appealing to me anymore. I told them I wanted to take a long break, but I think even then I knew that there wouldn’t be another album from me. The way I figure it you can continue with your music, make that next explosive Adam Lambert album and tour your ass off like you always do and I’ll be there with you every step of the way”

“I couldn’t ask you to do that Kris” He rushed out, his eyes wide and looking somewhat frightful.

“You didn’t ask me” I reminded him, clutching the hand I still held to my chest. “This is what I want Adam. We can work out all the details once we get settled into our new house, but this is really what I want” I assured, leaning forward and kissing him gently. I could tell that he still wasn’t sure about what I had told him, but I already knew that it was going to work out in the end.

We flew out to Montana the next week and for me it was love at first sight. I knew the minute that I laid eyes on the house and the land surrounding it that I was home. Clara and Watt’s were with us and I could tell that they approved by the looks on their faces, but also at the fact that Clara argued and won over who was going to get the room with the biggest closet. It was a silly argument that Adam really didn’t put much gusto behind because for Clara he would give her the world if he thought it would make her happy, and I realized as I watched them bicker that it was a first family memory in our new home and I could help but get a bit misty eyed. Several months later found Adam on a short promotional tour for his new album, while I stayed at home and finished moving us in. I had a huge surprise in store for Adam once he got home, one that I knew he was going to love.

“I’m exhausted” Adam whined as he trudged into the bedroom, looking longingly at the bed his first day back from touring. “All I want to do it lie down and take a nap with you and then I am going to fuck you through the mattress” He winked at me, attempting to sit on the bed, but I was too excited to wait to share my surprise with him. “Kris…” He whined even louder as I grabbed his hand and jerked him out of our bedroom. “Kris…baby…you know I love you but really whatever it is can’t it wait until later, like tomorrow later?”

“I’ve kept this secret for the last two months” I ignored the whine, still jerking him forward because he was really fighting me on the walking thing. “Trust me you are going to love it and me once you see it”

“I already love you” He sighed, giving in because like Clara, when it came to me he could never deny me anything and I knew it.

“I love you too” I replied with a huge smile on my face as we stood before a closed bedroom door. “I love you so much” I repeated, curling up onto my toes and kissing him softly. “I’m so happy that you’re back”

“Yeah yeah…” He rushed out with playful impatience and I could tell he was starting to get excited about his surprise. “You dragged me over here now show me” He teased, patting me on the ass and I couldn’t help but giggle because I knew he thought it was something sexually related, but it wasn’t. “Oh my god…” He cried out in surprise as I opened the door and pushed him inside. “Oh my god…” He cried out again, his head jerking back and forth as he tried to take in everything around him. “Oh my god Kris…oh my god” He continued, walking deeper into the room. “You…this…for me” He stammered, but I knew what he was saying as he continued to survey the spare bedroom I had turned into his own personal walk in closet. I couldn’t keep the smile off of my face because it really was amazing to look at, the walls lined with beautiful wooden closets with enough space for all of his clothing, shoes, accessories and then some. I had also installed a vanity for all his make up and facial products as well as a stereo and flat screen TV. I had also brought in some beautiful furniture for him to relax on, but for me to enjoy as well because I really did get a kick out of watching Adam get all dressed up and glamorous. The room was bright and airy and gave off such a good vibe that I couldn’t help but fall in love with it myself, despite the fact that all my clothes fit in one small closet in the master bedroom.

“Do you like it?” I asked, grinning like a loon because I knew Adam loved it. I didn’t get a verbal response, but I knew I had been right when he literally hefted me off of the ground, tossed me on a nearby lounger and proceeded to fuck me like a crazed person. “I’ll take that as a yes” I said much later, he and I curled up on the floor after falling off of the chaise in our haste.

“It’s the most beautiful room I’ve ever seen” He responded with a beaming smile. “I can’t believe that you did this for me”

“Well I did it for me too” I said as I rolled onto my side, holding my head up with my hand. “I get such a kick watching you get all dolled up. It’s a real turn on you know” I supplied when he gave me a look of confusion. “Huge turn on” I moaned when I felt Adam’s hand on my dick. I still don’t know where either of us found the energy as we gave into our lusted cravings once again and christened the room yet again.

TBC...


	63. Chapter 63

He and I shared a happy and beautiful life in that house, quickly falling into a pattern after that very first promo tour. When Adam was on tour, I was on tour with him. No one could believe that he could be so close together for so many hours of the day and not get sick of each other, but in all honesty we never did. Adam wasn’t only my lover and partner, but he was also my best friend and I cherished every moment that we spent together. Occasionally we were forced to be apart, like when I had something related to my song writing to do, but there was always constant communication because we truly could not stand to be apart from each other for very long.

During this time we watched as Clara continued with her studies, graduating at the top of her class before deciding to become a lawyer and out and proud gay rights activist. I was still worried that she was doing too much, but I kept those thoughts to myself because she had Watt’s to keep her in line. Adam and I were there the night that Watt’s proposed marriage to our daughter, he slipping into the role of father without us even realizing it right away and giving them both his blessing before I could even speak a word. Several months later we flew them out to Hawaii where Adam and I were vacationing, standing proudly beside them when they decided to tie the knot while there. It was a very emotional day for all of us, but so joyous at the same time as I tried to figure out when my baby had grown into such a well adjusted and happy adult. Adam and I had discussed getting married as well while we were there, but both of us quickly realized that although we loved each other very much that it just didn’t seem to be the right time. Instead we reveled in their day, sending them both on an all expense paid trip across Europe when Clara was able to get some time off.

Five years later the two of us were there as they welcomed Cassandra Michelle into the loving fold of our family. It had been quite a shock to learn that we had a little girl that early morning when we were all waiting for the arrival of Cassidy Mitchell. She was beautiful and amazing and as much as I couldn’t get over the fact that we were grandparents, I fell in love with her the moment I laid eyes on her. Two years later we welcome another addition to our family as Clara gave birth to a handsome baby boy named Daniel Kristopher. I cried like a baby when she announced she had named him after the brother I had lost so many years before hand.

We watched as Clara moved her way up through her firm becoming one of the youngest associates to make partner. She also became one of the most sought after lawyers in the state, not only for her stance on gay rights but also for taking on cases of injustice that most lawyers wouldn’t even consider taking on. We all supported her whole heartedly when she made the decision to run for Mayor of her town, winning by a landslide I’d like to thank in huge part to the constant campaigning we all did as a family. The next step was running for Governor, which again we took to the streets campaigning like mad until she had been elected to that position in another landslide as well. Adam and I couldn’t have been prouder of her, but it never seemed to be enough until she had worked her way into the senate with a determination to create change. We already knew what the next step was, but it was several years before she made the announcement that she was going to run for President of the United States. It all seemed surreal as the family that loved and supported her took to the streets yet again with a determination to continue the journey destiny had started from the moment she was born.

I had decided to go into full retirement several years back when it seemed that no matter what I wrote it was never good enough for the new blood that had taken over my label. I was tired of the criticism and hard remarks, but the kicker was when a twenty something told me that my kind of music was old fashioned and I put him in the hospital with a broken nose and several missing teeth. In truth I really only decided it was time to retire when my label decided it was time to part ways and as angry as I was at the time, it was actually a blessing in disguise. Adam went into semi-retirement after that, only doing small shows and making an appearance now and again. I fought him tooth and nail about it because I felt he was really only doing it because of what happened to me, but he assured me over and over again that it was what he wanted to do and so I had no other choice but to believe him. We decided to purchase a second house close to Clara and the family because as much as we loved our home in Montana, we wanted to be able to share in the lives of our children and grandchildren. It also gave us the ability to support our daughter in her quest to be President, not only because we knew it was destiny, but because we knew that she was the right person for the job.

The campaign that time was brutal and ugly and many times along the way Clara considered backing out of the race because she was worried about how it would affect her family. Almost daily there would be threats made not only on her life, but her kids as well. She was constantly dragged through the mud by her opponents on every forum she appeared on, never touching on anything else other then the fact that she was openly gay and in a same sex marriage. No matter how hard she tried it was always her sexual preference they wanted to discuss and not the other major issues plaguing our country. It was frustrating and it was hard to keep my comments to myself whenever an attack was thrown at her, but because of my daughter I was able to keep myself together and avoid the confrontation I was desperately wanted. Adam on the other hand refused to keep quiet whenever some idiotic reporter asked him something shady or made comments about Clara and his fans and Clara seemed to love him for it. I couldn’t help but be a little jealous that I had been told to keep my comments to myself, but I also knew that where Adam could cut you down with mere words, I always seemed to resort to physical violence. As a joke one night in bed Adam told me that I had big dog syndrome and for some reason it continued to be a running joke for many years afterwards. He pegged me with the name Chi-Chi the Chihuahua and it wasn’t long before my daughter was calling me ‘Daddy Chi-Chi’ and my grandkids ‘Grandpa Chi-Chi’. I didn’t find it very funny, which of course Adam found hilarious and I pretty much accepted it to be my fate after awhile because they didn’t seem to want to give it up. However, when the news somehow leaked to the press about it I didn’t speak to any of my family for nearly a week, because they found it to be quite funny and entertaining where I found it to be anything but.

"Do we really have to do this?" I whined a little bit as Adam and I sat in a rented limo waiting for our turn to step out onto the red carpet during an MTV awards show. Adam had been asked to present an award and I was just along as his date and arm candy as he had liked to tease me. "You know I don't do well with these young MTV idiots"

"Take a deep breath Chi-Chi, it will be over before you know it" He teased, kissing me quickly before I had a chance to give him a piece of my mind. "Just let me do all the talking. If you're good then I'll give you a nice treat later"

"Mmm...what kind of treat" I purred, curling into my lover, slinking my leg over his thigh and kissing him dirtily.

"Be good and find out" He laughed, kissing me again before we heard the knock on the window. "Here we go" He laughed again at my groan, taking my hand and helping me out of the limo. The flashes started the moment Adam peeked his head out, causing me to wish I had brought my sun glasses because as always it was nearly blinding.

As expected I was annoyed as we made our way down the red carpet, but I just kept my mouth shut and continued to clutch Adam's hand. I had always had a love, hate relationship with the reporters, but the reporters for MTV seemed to always annoy me the most. The last time I had been interviewed by one of them, it almost turned into a bloody brawl when the young and stupid reporter started asking me questions about an affair with Adam while I was with Cassidy. The truth was that if Cassidy hadn't been there then I would have probably ended up in jail, because he kept grinning at me the entire time like he knew I was lying. "Stop fidgeting" I heard Adam whisper, squeezing my hand as I drew my attention towards him. "The light at the end of the tunnel" He grinned down at me, nodding towards the door leading into the building.

"Thank fucking god" I felt myself relax, only to become taunt once again as the reporter I'd almost gone to jail for stood in front of me.

"Kris Allen" He cried out loudly, causing me to bristle at the sight of him. "We're here on the red carpet with Kris Allen and Adam Lambert" He grinned into the camera in front of him. "So Kris...it’s been awhile since the last time I interviewed you"

"Not long enough" I murmured under my breath, putting the fakest smile I could muster on my face as Adam squeezed my hand in warning. "It has. How many years has it been?

“I’m not sure, but the last time I interviewed you it got almost violent” He grinned at the camera again before turning his eyes to me and as much as I wanted to punch him in the face yet again, I kept my fake smile in place and stared him right in the eyes.

“Yeah…well let’s hope that each of us has matured since then” I shot back.

“So as the world already knows you daughter is running for President of the United States” He began and already I felt my guard go up because I knew it wasn’t going to be just a simple interview.

“Yes…we couldn’t be prouder of her” Adam spoke up, squeezing my hand in support because I knew he could feel how stiff my grip had gone on his hand.

“One of her main issues that she is taking on is the stance on gay marriage. What is your take on gay marriage in this country?” He turned the mic to me, ignoring Adam when he started to speak.

“I think that people should be allowed to marry whom they want to marry. It shouldn’t matter if they are gay or straight. Love is love and that right should be afforded to everyone”

“You and Adam have been in a committed relationship for many years now and you support your daughter’s stance on gay marriage and yet the two of you have not married yet. Why is that?” He had that smug look on his face again, one that was baiting me and as much as I wanted to lose control and let him bait me, I did the opposite.

“Adam and I are in a committed relationship and we love each other very much and there is no doubt that we don’t stand behind our daughter one hundred percent in her stance on gay marriage” I began, holding up our joined hands so the camera could see the matching rings our on fingers. “However, Adam and I thought about getting married several years back but we didn’t think that it was fair that we could marry in one state, but not in our own home state of California. When Clara becomes President that’s going to change because everyone will be allowed to marry in their home states or whatever state they want to and when that happens is when Adam and I will finally get married. It was so nice to see you again” I smiled at the stumped reporter, tugging Adam along as we walked away from him.

“Did you mean that?” He asked, stopping me before we reached the door.

“I meant ever word Adam. You know I want to marry you and when our daughter makes it legal for everyone that’s just what I’m going to do” I meant those words as I leaned up and kissed him, both of us laughing and blushing at the round of applause we heard surrounding us as well as the frantic flashing of cameras. “Jesus…will they ever get sick of their Kradam?” I laughed against his chest, beaming up at the man that I loved and couldn’t wait to spend the rest of my life with.

“Let’s hope not” He winked at me, kissing me again before taking my hand and taking the lead once again as we walked inside.

We campaigned long and hard for Clara and as destiny had predicted so many years before she was even born she was inaugurated as the President of the United States. It was the proudest day of our lives as Adam and I watched our daughter take her oath with her wife and children standing at her side. It had been a long and grueling battle to get her to the top, but it was all worth it as she became not only the first woman president but also the first lesbian president as well as the youngest every elected into office. It was a momentous time in history for our country because I knew our daughter was up to the task of taking care of the country that we all loved and making the changes that were needed as well.

After that Adam and I moved back to Montana, he going into full retirement from the music industry so we could enjoy all our remaining years had to offer. We were married exactly one year after our daughter had become President, that same day the law that made gay marriage in all fifty states legal. We decided to get married in California, the state that we had meet for the first time in and fallen in love with. It was a gloriously beautiful day as we stood before the preacher, holding hands and with tears in our eyes, while our friends and family looked on. We exchanged vows we had written ourselves, removing the rings we had been wearing as a symbol of our love long enough to have them blessed by the holy man before we placed them back where they belonged. I cried silent tears as I watched the man that I loved, the man who I had been through hell and back with recite words that I knew came straight from his heart. He cried as well as I tried to explain in mere words just how much I loved him and how I couldn’t ever live another day with out him. Our first kiss as husband and husband was as magical as all of the millions of kisses we had shared during our time together, but with a promise of so much more. Afterwards we danced and mingled with our guests, partying deep into the morning hours before exhaustion forced us to leave. Adam and I made sweet and glorious love to each other in our honeymoon sweet, falling asleep in each others arms afterwards. A week later we were on the trip of our lifetime, traveling from city to city all over Europe with no true destination in place and an open ended time limit. We didn’t know how long we were going to be gone and the truth of the matter was that we didn’t care. We had lived by the rules of life and the music industry for too many years and now it was time to live for ourselves and do the things that we had always wanted to do. It was a fun, discovery and glorious adventure and one whose stories will be told during another time and place.

The End…


End file.
